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Handy's blog

The Big Bang Theoryís Greatest Game Moments.
3:53 PM on 01.22.2013
Search my name? Thatís just masturbation.
8:44 AM on 12.28.2012
Metal Gear Rising: Impractions
2:44 PM on 12.13.2012
Itís All About Context.
8:17 PM on 10.20.2012
Fanart Flops: Foot Fetish Krang Edition.
3:22 PM on 10.03.2012
I Gots Dibs on Gaige, yo.
3:04 PM on 09.19.2012





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Community Discussion: Blog by Handy | Handy's ProfileDestructoid
Handy's Profile - Destructoid

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About
Welcome to the blog.... you must be bored. anyway im Handy, I'm a student in Ireland and I'm here to talk about whatever may come into my mind....so not much then.

Lets see... Iíve been playing games pretty much my whole life, since my Commodore back in the day to my ps3 now Iíve been hooked. Actually come to think of it I canít remember a time I wasnít playing games. Canít say I have a favourite genre, I like to try a bit of everything, though I will go to town on a good RPG. Iíll have something to fill in this space as soon as my life becomes interesting.

^^^ Seriously, I wrote that like four years ago and still nothing interesting has happened.



Like everyone else on Destructoid Iím at a loss on what to fill this space with so I guess Iíll just catalogue my greatest hits, if you can call a loose collection of lists and borderline pornographic fanart ďgreatest hitsĒ.



Listmania Ė Because liking something isnít as important as liking it in the correct order.

Game plots that are clearly rip-offs: Part two

Gamings Greatest Slinky Invisible Women with Huge Asses

E3 Approaches: The E3 survival guide!

Something about E3: 34 things youíll have to hear soon

Lost? Lonely? Looking for Love?

Gamingís worst legal guardians

Gaming DIY

Valentineís Day, Shmalentineís.....Shmay

Get a new look at the Gaming Salon!

Hatesgiving

The NPC survival guide

Game lessons that donít work in real life



Fanart Flops Ė Because you must suffer.

Fanart Flops: Back by (Un)Popular Demand

Fanart Flops: Eyebleach, I Choose You Edition

Fanart Flops: Octopus Hojo Edition

Fanart Flops: Stop Raping My Childhood Edition

Fanart Flops. (Possibly NSFW)



Wankery Ė The terrible results of when I pretend Iím smart.

Dear Industry: I Am Not a Psychopath

Final Fantasy Versus Itself

Only Human


The culture Gap



Sargasm Ė Because Iím kind of a dick.

Darksiders 2 in a nutshell

The Boy Who Cried Wolf

How Dare You, Capcom

Death to Red Shepard!

How to make a sequel

Why FFXIII is the worst one EVAR!

The Scandalous Scam of Samit Sarkar!

In the name of SCIENCE!!!




Front page Ė When Destructoid has terrible lapses in judgement.


Top 12 Videogame porno parodies (NSFW)

Handyís X-mas X-travaganza begins now!

Game plots that are clearly rip-offs

Comments of the Week: Busst Stop

Comments of the week: George Michael Warfare 3



Donít forget Comments of the Week

Comments of the Week: Tinfoil Hat Edition







Just because.
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Following (45)  





Finally, weíve received the social acceptance weíve strived so hard for. For years we were the victim of bullying and mean spirited jokes but finally, finally, nerds and gamers are no longer singled out as socially maladjusted manbabies. And itís thanks to shows like The Big Bang Theory that portray gamers in a positive light, that donít rely on lazy stereotypes or defamation of our culture, that weíre at last being laughed with, and not at.

The Big Bang Theory, in case you didnít know, is an incredibility well written show about a couple called Penny and Leonard an autistic man named Sheldon theoretical physicists who somehow canít afford their own place nerds. In fact the writing is so good that the audience laughs at roughly every sentence and they even came up with a wacky catchphrase. Sometimes the nerds say nerd things, and sometimes they say science things, which is funny because everybody is laughing so it must be good.

The Time They Play a Game.




Oh man, look at them play those videogames, isnít that funny? You know theyíre real games-masters because of how they hard they type their keyboards, none of them even need a mouse. And real gamers use headsets to talk to each other even when theyíre in the same room, theyíre definitely not wearing them to undermine their image and make them look stupid in the eyes of the viewer. And look how seriously they take it, everybody knows videogames are trivial distractions.

Games Are Better Than Sex



Ha, you idiots, stop enjoying yourselves and objectify those women, those women who came to laugh at you.

Gaming addiction.



It was very brave of Big Bang Theory to broach such a serious topic as addiction in such a tasteful way. It showed how after just minutes of playing an MMO a person can become instantly addicted like itís turbocrack. Itís also great how they implied that people playing online games are devoid of any real life accomplishments. I hope a lot of parents watched this episode, and remembered to fear gaming all over again. I canít wait to discuss this down at the ďvirtual tavernĒ.


A Girl Plays a Videogame.



This is funny on so many levels. I mean first of all, thereís a girl playing a game, thatís already hilarious in its sheer audacity, but then the idea that sheís actually good at them? Thatís just crazytown. But the icing on the cake here is Sheldonís zinger about how attractive people canít be good at games, hoo boy, theyíve got our number, keep reading ugly.


Wii Bowling Night.



Oh look, theyíre taking games seriously again, isnít that funny? Wii Sports has appeared in about five episodes of BBT during my research, and itís always hysterical because theyíre not actually doing the thing that it looks like theyíre doing, but I chose this clip because it doesnít just have fun with gamers, it manages to joke with Jewish people, homosexuals, the disabled too! No wonder this show is so popular!


A Girl Plays a Videogame Again.



Now thatís more like it, look at that stupid annoying woman, with her ďpew pewĒ sounds and pink laptop, and her insistence that her boyfriend wear a matching outfit. She didnít even know how to play the right away on her first time! Thatís what itís really like when a woman plays a game. At least I assume thatís what itís like, Iíve never seen it happen, Iím just a stupid ugly gamer like the rest of us after all.

Games Are Better Than Sex Again.



Remember when Halo upgraded to Halo 3 and included all those hi-def graphics and enhanced weapons systems? Thatís how you know the writers did at least four minutes of research. And of course sex hasnít been upgraded to include those things, that joke made so much sense it gave me a migraine. But everything turns out okay because only a nerdlinger wouldnít prioritise sex over everything else, like spending time with your friends, what a loser.


The Time They Name Some Videogames.



Hahahaha, the audience sure loved that one! You can really tell what huge nerds they are what with the massive collection of 24 games theyíve accumulated over the last five console generations. They donít even have the right consoles to play some of those games, thatís how dedicated they are and how well thought out that skit was. But really the true genius here is how just saying the name of some games is the punchline, itís almost as if the idea that someone likes the biggest entertainment medium in the world somehow hilarious.


Thank God we have shows like the Big Bang Theory to represent us in the mainstream, people were almost beginning to judge us for themselves there, we sure dodged that bullet. I only hope that someday I can write something as funny and insightful as The Big Bang Theory but for now I guess Iíll just have to rely on these recordings of people laughing and this giant ďAPPLAUSEĒ sign to trick people into thinking something funny is happening.

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So this is a thing now. But after searching my name I only found out thereís a lot of sad people out there that share my name and feel the need to self aggrandise on Urban Dictionary. So unless you legitimately believe that on the day of your birth your parents said ďThis baby is obviously the Rambo of sex. We must think of a fitting name.Ē ďRonald!Ē then maybe itís not the best place to find yourself.



I will however search the name I chose here on Destructoid. Because searching your name and then twisting it to stroke your ego? Thatís just masturbation. And thereíll be no stroking or masturbation when searching for Handy!



1. handy 455 up, 264 down

to wrap your hand around a guys cock and vigoriously move up and down until the male begins to cum

I gave my boyfriend a handy and then had to wash my hands because there was cum on them.



3. Handy 69 up, 38 down

A hand job!

" I was on the rag so I gave him a handy to hold him over"



4. Handy 150 up, 129 down

Safe alternative to oral sex. Eliminates the risk of herpes.

Weinberg: Yo did she bitch suck you off?
Weinshel: Nah son, she just gave me a handy and split.



10. Handy 50 up, 55 down

To give a sexual favour using your hand

Jaydee gives good handys behind the bike shed



11. handy 36 up, 44 down

Slang term for a handjob.

"Handy" Mirandy gave Joel a handy in the back of the bus on the way home from band camp.



13. Handy 18 up, 32 down

Essentially a handjob except for a handy is often quick and on the sly. Ejaculation may or may not occur on the female, depending on the location recieved. In order to have a "sick handy" one must both turn down a BJ or sex in exchange for the handy, and must also bust a load directly onto the female in excess of 3 oz's of manjuice.

[i]Dr D got a sick handy from some bitch with a sideways puntang last night.[/b]



19. handy 6 up, 51 down

small skinny and like to suck on the cock

handy



22. handy 2 up, 63 down

Small Skinny and likes to suck on animals cocks

Handy


So there, I think weíve all learned a little something about making ourselves feel good, getting in touch with yourself, and how to love yourself at least once a day. NO MASTURBATION WHATSOEVER.
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Yes, that is a combination of impressions and reactions, expect much more wordbining in the spirit of Revengeance.


So, the Metal Gear Rising demo has been in the hands of those who bought the ZOE Collection for quite some time now, and seeing as itíll soon be in the hands of you handsome people via standalone demo I figured I would share my impractions (repressions?) now rather than rub it in your face two weeks ago.



The demo takes place with post-op Raiden soon after he gets his new body, sporting a new pair of even creepier high heel foot things and familiar bandana/impromptu eye patch Ė I guess he didnít bother to get a new eye despite getting everything else, including his other, still working, eye replaced Ė and weíre introduced to blade mode with a quick tutorial.

Really itís just a playground for cutting stuff up and to get down the basics of blade mode, one interesting thing is that you donít need to ďswipeĒ the analogue stick, just choose your angle of approach and let go, they let you do it either way but in my opinion swiping still just feels right. Another thing is that if you donít want to wiggle your thumb everywhere you can just press Square or triangle for horizontal or vertical slashes, which is a nice touch when you want to just enjoy the spectacle or really go all berserker on something.

Thereís also an equipable cardboard box tucked away in the tutorial, to reach it you need to cut down a pillar to make a ramp leading around edge of the area. I unfortunately never realised this and instead cut down both supports and spent ten minutes bouncing the bridge off Raidenís head and kicking it around until it glitched its way into a makeshift slope for me. It was stutarded.



When the demo begins proper we get our first taste of combat and itís a bit of a mixed bag. Thereís nothing wrong with the combo system itself, itís just that itís not really explained to you in the demo beyond square for light attacks, triangle for heavy. The light combo string can go on indefinitely or be switched in to the heavy string at any time, by switching back and forth at different points in the combo strings is where new moves can be found, think Bayonetta but with more ďfree-formĒ switching back and forth between heavy and light attacks. Itís actually much harder to explain than it is to figure out for yourself. Thereís also a lot more variety opened up by waiting half-second ďbeatsĒ between attacks, but again without any explanation or movelist in the demo you just have to figure out what does what.

There are also unique attacks used with the analogue stick and either attack button, for example tapping forward twice on the stick and pressing triangle will give you a dashing strike a la Devil May Cryís Stinger, moving back then forward with the analogue and square will perform a palm strike, and spinning the left stick with triangle will give you sword-foot breakdancing funtimes. Iíd prefer a lock-on method for these moves as in DMC since I find that much more comfortable and intuitive, there is lock on system, but there might as well not be for all the good it does.

The parry system is well implemented once you get over your instinct to dodge roll in this sort of game, pushing the left stick and square towards your attacker will block it, time it right just at the last moment and a follow up prompt will appear allowing you to do all sorts of crazy shit, both of you will probably end up in the air, one of you will come down in pieces.



Basically the combat is a nice balance, thereís plenty of depth there to be uncovered for fans of Platinumís signature action, in fact I know thereís tons of depth there but without a movelist or combat tutorial itís like playing Street Fighter back in the arcade before you figured out how to throw a hadouken (and keep in mind that this demo is before you start unlocking skills and using secondary weapons). But new players and holdover Metal Gear fans can still have fun and get by with the basics, unless it pulls a Batonetta and things get balls-hard (blard) as soon as the demo ends.

There are some niggling concerns, I still hope a dodge is unlocked at some point, you canít exactly parry a rocket or grenade and breaking into a ninja run not only breaks the flow of combat but has a slight delay, basically if you see a rocket coming and youíre not already moving itís probably going to hit you. The camera can be a pain too, it doesnít zoom out during combat, making it hard to concentrate on whatís coming at you when fighting people and Gekkos at the same time, meaning something will usually jump in from off-screen and hit you.

But those are all minor complaints when you can grab a Gekkoís head, gymnast swing between its legs and slice it to bits while flying up into the air upside-down, ripping out its heart is then optional if youíre feeling sassy. Itís definitely in line with Bayonetta and Vanquish in that itís just packed with ďholy shit did I just do thatĒ moments, only now it really does feel like youíre doing them instead of just mashing square to make it happen. And precision chopping enemies to regain full health and batteries is an interesting dynamic, your health can end up dangerously low if you donít pay attention but if you play smart you can instantly be back on top.




Rai-Raií goiní Cray-cray
I wonít get too heavy into spoilers, really thereís not that much to spoil anyway, but thereís definite foreshadowing that Raidenís starting to go off the deep end, maybe not MGS2 ending level crazy, but heís definitely enjoying himself a bit too much. Thereís been a lot of ďguilty-pleasure guilt-tripĒ games lately, games that have you do something fun and violent but then turn you around and say ďlook what you just didĒ, Iíd love to see Kojima take a stab at it, he might have even been the first one to do it with the whole Sorrow thing in the first place.


Codec Moments
Optional codec conversations, a personal favourite of mine, are back after being woefully underwhelming in MGS4. Thereís actually a bit more banter reminiscent of Snake Eater, from conversations about life after SOP to support members making fun of Raidenís unwanted nickname - ďMr. ThunderboltĒ. Itís just a nice touch Iíve always liked about the series and Iím glad to see it back.


Can love bloom, even on the battlefield?
Metal Gear games have always been cheesier than Liquid Snake at a fondue party, and Rising embraces that and takes it to a whole new level. Thereís a certain self awareness to it now, groan worthy lyrics kick in at the end of boss fights, characters sarcastically ask each other the meaning of life, and beyond the demo thereís apparently Ninja Turtle references and awful mariachi disguises that Raiden thinks are impenetrable.


Overall, Metal Gear Rising looks to combine the strengths of Platinum with the more ďout thereĒ elements of Metal Gear, so long as you donít come in with any misconceptions of a focus on stealth or pacifist runs and just embrace the cheese then good times will be had. Really the main problem with the demo is it looks like it was built for the show floor, with a Konami person shoutsplaining the finer points as you play.
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Handy
8:17 PM on 10.20.2012



Iíve always been of the mind that while men and women are (obviously) equal they are not identical, and Iím going to speak really carefully here to get my point across without accidentally offending anyone, what I mean is that speaking on a broad scale men and women tend to be different. If I was born a girl I would be a fundamentally different person than I am now, whether by nature or nurture, I would not be who I am today, either because women are naturally inclined to go certain ways or because my experiences throughout life (school, friends, etc), especially in the developmental stages, would be different.


I always thought this was an important factor for creating a character, men and women arenít interchangeable, but lately Iíve noticed a lot of games challenge this idea, with varying results, and now Iím starting to wonder if maybe itís more in the world building that lets me buy into a characters opinions, gender or sexual orientation. You canít just say character X is a strong woman, we have to know what it means to be a strong woman in the context of their world or it means nothing.


A lot of people believe that playing as female Shepard in Mass Effect is a better experience, but FemShep and MaleShep are exactly the same character. Same mo-cap, same combat abilities, same dialogue (barring romance), so what is it that makes FemShep better in some peopleís eyes? Being female puts Shepardís character in a completely different context.




Playing as a girl in Persona 3 can be a very different experience, playing as a girl in Mass Effect is nearly identical to a male. But both pull it off well in different ways.


Firstly, the context of the world. Part of the reason Bioware was able to pull off a protagonist that could be either gender so well is because Mass Effect is set in the future, itís believable to assume that by this point humanity has achieved true gender equality, everybody treats Shepard the same no matter if theyíre a man or woman, and no one bats an eyelid over their commander being a woman. Put this in contrast with something like Dragon Age where somehow humanity has overcome sexism, racism and homophobia which I find jarring in a medieval world where everybody still discriminates against elves or mages or what have you.


Then thereís the context of the characters actions. Even though male and female Shepard do exactly the same things, it says something different about the character depending on their gender. For example, in Mass Effect 2 thereís a renegade option to headbutt a Krogan to shut him up and establish dominance, when MaleShep does this (aside from being hilarious) it says ďHa, Shepard is so alpha that he headbutted a Krogan!Ē, but seeing FemShep loaf a Krogan says something completely different. To be honest, I donít know what that something is, but itís different and itís interesting and I like it. Or hell, maybe it does say the exact same thing as MaleShep, but then itís still different, itís a member of the ďfairer sexĒ, and a fairer species no less, establishing herself as the alpha male of these hulking space monsters.





It always surprised me to hear the Metal Gear games praised for Vamp being bisexual, I thought he was a rather poor representation, mincing around the battlefield, licking his knives, and just generally being a creeper, I though he fit perfectly into the trope of the Depraved Bisexual. But then I remembered, Vamp was originally intended to be a woman, but when a boss with water based powers was scrapped and Fortune was introduced, Vamp was changed to a man. Aside from gender and inheriting the now defunct bossesí water abilities nothing else changed, including his relationship with Scott Dolph.




I wonder, would I have found Vamp as offensive if he remained a woman? Dancing around, licking blood off her lips and acting like the classic sexually charged vampire, you know, everything Vamp still does as a man? Was it my own perceptions or eagerness to hop on my high horse? Or should changing a characters gender mean more than swapping out their character model and voice actor. Honestly, I donít have an answer to that question, I donít know if there is an answer to that question, at best all I can say is judge it on a case by case basis.


While weíre on sexual orientation, Fallout: New Vegas also included lots of gay characters, including two of your possible followers. As characters, I thought they were great, to have gay characters whose entire being isnít based around their sexuality was refreshing, it was just a part of the whole. But I find it impossible to believe how nonchalant they were about it, they live in a fairly uncivilised post-apocalyptic land, and if that wasnít bad enough itís in the ruins of a society based on Fifties values. The only way this world could be worse for gay people is if the super mutants were religious fundamentalists.




And then thereís the logical inconsistencies.


I get what the creators were trying to do, just like with Dragon Age, the developers were trying to allow for more player choice and to be as inclusive as possible, thatís great, I totally encourage that, but the worlds these games take place in arenít that inclusive. Thedas and The Wasteland are so harsh and discriminatory that itís jarring when characters drop the fact that theyíre gay so casually. You canít just transplant our modern values into these bleak and often malicious settings, not without some kind of justification at least, have someone say that differences like that stopped mattering once the bombs fell, that people kill each other for food, not whether they like boys or girls.


Iím not trying to say that the default for any fictional world is that homophobia should be present or assumed until we learn otherwise, maybe these things were just never an issue in these worlds, but the sad fact is that these issues do exist in our world, and the player will still notice them.


In Borderlands 2 people offhandedly talk about same-sex spouses and exes all the time and I can buy it because that game is off the wall and doesnít take itself so seriously, and no, Iím not saying homosexuality isnít serious and shouldnít be portrayed that way, just that the setting isnít as heavy as the other examples. Even though Pandora is basically Planet Texas, because Borderlands 2 is so flippant about everything it doesnít break my suspension of disbelief when Sir Hammerlock mentions his ex boyfriend or when Axton comments on Salvadorís well toned ass. Kanji in Persona 4 is probably the most realistic take on the subject but that could, and has, fill an entire blog on its own.




Playing Uncharted as Doughnut Drake completely changes the context of why everything collapses under his weight and makes the game a story about Drakeís struggle with obesity.


We need to understand how these worlds work in relation to ours, if being gay or a strong woman isnít a big deal in your world then you need to paradoxically give us a nudge and wink to let us know itís not a big deal. You need to give us context, or let the player create their own. Iíve gone over this blog again and again and Iím still afraid people may misinterpret it so let me just be clear, Iím all for more diversity in games, I want them to be more inclusive, Iím just saying that giving the player more freedom can be a double-edged sword, doing so can sometimes lead to incongruity with the setting, and other times it can lead to us creating our own story, and that Iíd like to see more of the latter and less of the former.
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Welcome to Fanart Flops, the horrifying videogame fanart feature that did it first, Something Awful and Kotaku .......even though thereís probably a dozen people who did it before me.

As always, for those of you who donít know (run, run away now!), Fanart Flops is not a collection of bad fanart, most artists featured here are actually quite talented, but unfortunately insane. Fanart Flops are the most bizarre and confusing pictures to be found on the internet, sometimes itís a strange idea or concept, sometimes there is some reasoning behind it but weíre seeing it out of context, and sometimes itís just ďoffĒ for lack of a better term.

Iím going to forgo peppering shitty jokes around every picture this time, I always felt I needed to contribute more than just uploading pictures for these blogs, but thatís because you donít see the hours I spend searching for fanart that meets the ridiculously specific rules Iíve set myself (some of which I break this time around), and also because I have to suffer the really nasty stuff I canít post here.

So check your sanity at the door, you wonít need it where weíre going.












Is it being pumped in or sucked out? Would either answer make you feel better?














































In fairness, they should have expected this sort of thing when they sexualised a gorilla.


























See, this is the thing about Fanart Flops, I know this is referencing something, I just have no idea what and itís hilarious out of context.
































Gotta go fast?


























Okay, this one is definitely intentional, but ďKrogan KokĒ makes me laugh so hard I had to include it. That and Iíve see a lot of Mass Effect alien cocks in my search for Fanart Flops and this is probably the only one I could get away with posting.














It took me a while to get this one, then I did and began to hate the world in a whole new way.



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Handy
3:04 PM on 09.19.2012

Some people might think itís stupid to stake a claim on a character we know next to nothing about and wonít get to use for a month, but I consider it prudent, because Gaige is most definitely the best character by far, so good Gearbox decided they could get filthy rich be releasing her as DLC, and by invoking the right of dibs I retain sole use of her until further notice.

ďBut HandyĒ I hear you ask, ďstop doing push ups and tell us why sheís so great!Ē. Well...99...if you...100...insist.





She has sex with robots probably.

Iím assuming thatís what a Mechromancer does, romances mechs. Gaige canít be satisfied by a mere human, to fulfil her insatiable appetite it takes pistons and gears and motors and chassis and a complicated system of pulleys and a lot of motor oil, and that is something we have in common.

She has a robot arm.

Not only does it make all reload animations 37% cooler but thereís a harrowing tale behind the mechanical limb that fills out Gaigeís inspiring backstory. Gaige lost her arm in a tragic accident that may or may not have involved robot-sex, but instead of overcoming her disability like those pussys at the Paralympics she built herself a robot arm, but the robot arm was too well built. Every time Gaige tried to take a drink or pick up the phone it would shatter in her mighty hand, and she would scream to the heavens, no longer able to finish her Dr. Pepper. Cursed by her own genius and unable to hold down her job as a handshake envoy to the germaphobic she moved to Pandora to escape people drawing parallels between her and Dr. Claw from Inspector Gadget. All of this is cannon, Anthony Burch told me.





She has a big fuck-off robot.

Axton has a turret, which is almost like a robot but much, much lamer, Maya need to ask enemies to be polite and hold still so she can shoot them, the only advantage to Zer0ís ability is that we donít have to look at his stupid non-face, and Salvador needs to work himself into a frenzy to use both hands for some reason. Gaige, on the other robotic hand, need only call on her faithful friend D374-TP, or Deathtrap, to decimate the hoards of Pandora. Who needs co-op partners when you have a robot buddy to take on the wastes with you. Not Gaige, thatís who.

Sheís a strong female role model

Unlike that trollop Maya, Gaige is a true shining beacon for women in gaming. While Maya pretends to be strong and confident in herself, her looks betray her attitude, only wearing a swimsuit and pants, making sure to pull them down just enough on one side so we all know it, with her glowing blue tramp-stamp and lipstick that belongs in a B-movie vision of the future where people add the prefix ďcyber-ď to everything.





But Gaige likes to keep it casual, a simple skirt and hoodie, she doesnít even care about that plaster on her face, maybe sheíll take down Handsom Jackís empire, maybe sheíll laze around the house on Sunday, who knows. Topping it off with informal twin tails and thigh-high stripped stockings, not because theyíre sexy, but because they remind her of her favourite movie Ė Beetlejuice. Again, all cannon. Ask Anthony Burch if you donít believe me.
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