Handy's Profile - Destructoid




Game database:   #ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ         ALL     Xbox One     PS4     360     PS3     WiiU     Wii     PC     3DS     DS     PS Vita     PSP     iOS     Android




click to hide banner header
About
Welcome to the blog.... you must be bored. anyway im Handy, I'm a student in Ireland and I'm here to talk about whatever may come into my mind....so not much then.

Lets see... Iíve been playing games pretty much my whole life, since my Commodore back in the day to my ps3 now Iíve been hooked. Actually come to think of it I canít remember a time I wasnít playing games. Canít say I have a favourite genre, I like to try a bit of everything, though I will go to town on a good RPG. Iíll have something to fill in this space as soon as my life becomes interesting.

^^^ Seriously, I wrote that like four years ago and still nothing interesting has happened.



Like everyone else on Destructoid Iím at a loss on what to fill this space with so I guess Iíll just catalogue my greatest hits, if you can call a loose collection of lists and borderline pornographic fanart ďgreatest hitsĒ.



Listmania Ė Because liking something isnít as important as liking it in the correct order.

Game plots that are clearly rip-offs: Part two

Gamings Greatest Slinky Invisible Women with Huge Asses

E3 Approaches: The E3 survival guide!

Something about E3: 34 things youíll have to hear soon

Lost? Lonely? Looking for Love?

Gamingís worst legal guardians

Gaming DIY

Valentineís Day, Shmalentineís.....Shmay

Get a new look at the Gaming Salon!

Hatesgiving

The NPC survival guide

Game lessons that donít work in real life



Fanart Flops Ė Because you must suffer.

Fanart Flops: Back by (Un)Popular Demand

Fanart Flops: Eyebleach, I Choose You Edition

Fanart Flops: Octopus Hojo Edition

Fanart Flops: Stop Raping My Childhood Edition

Fanart Flops. (Possibly NSFW)



Wankery Ė The terrible results of when I pretend Iím smart.

Dear Industry: I Am Not a Psychopath

Final Fantasy Versus Itself

Only Human


The culture Gap



Sargasm Ė Because Iím kind of a dick.

Darksiders 2 in a nutshell

The Boy Who Cried Wolf

How Dare You, Capcom

Death to Red Shepard!

How to make a sequel

Why FFXIII is the worst one EVAR!

The Scandalous Scam of Samit Sarkar!

In the name of SCIENCE!!!




Front page Ė When Destructoid has terrible lapses in judgement.


Top 12 Videogame porno parodies (NSFW)

Handyís X-mas X-travaganza begins now!

Game plots that are clearly rip-offs

Comments of the Week: Busst Stop

Comments of the week: George Michael Warfare 3



Donít forget Comments of the Week

Comments of the Week: Tinfoil Hat Edition







Just because.
Badges
Following (44)  


Yes, that is a combination of impressions and reactions, expect much more wordbining in the spirit of Revengeance.


So, the Metal Gear Rising demo has been in the hands of those who bought the ZOE Collection for quite some time now, and seeing as itíll soon be in the hands of you handsome people via standalone demo I figured I would share my impractions (repressions?) now rather than rub it in your face two weeks ago.



The demo takes place with post-op Raiden soon after he gets his new body, sporting a new pair of even creepier high heel foot things and familiar bandana/impromptu eye patch Ė I guess he didnít bother to get a new eye despite getting everything else, including his other, still working, eye replaced Ė and weíre introduced to blade mode with a quick tutorial.

Really itís just a playground for cutting stuff up and to get down the basics of blade mode, one interesting thing is that you donít need to ďswipeĒ the analogue stick, just choose your angle of approach and let go, they let you do it either way but in my opinion swiping still just feels right. Another thing is that if you donít want to wiggle your thumb everywhere you can just press Square or triangle for horizontal or vertical slashes, which is a nice touch when you want to just enjoy the spectacle or really go all berserker on something.

Thereís also an equipable cardboard box tucked away in the tutorial, to reach it you need to cut down a pillar to make a ramp leading around edge of the area. I unfortunately never realised this and instead cut down both supports and spent ten minutes bouncing the bridge off Raidenís head and kicking it around until it glitched its way into a makeshift slope for me. It was stutarded.



When the demo begins proper we get our first taste of combat and itís a bit of a mixed bag. Thereís nothing wrong with the combo system itself, itís just that itís not really explained to you in the demo beyond square for light attacks, triangle for heavy. The light combo string can go on indefinitely or be switched in to the heavy string at any time, by switching back and forth at different points in the combo strings is where new moves can be found, think Bayonetta but with more ďfree-formĒ switching back and forth between heavy and light attacks. Itís actually much harder to explain than it is to figure out for yourself. Thereís also a lot more variety opened up by waiting half-second ďbeatsĒ between attacks, but again without any explanation or movelist in the demo you just have to figure out what does what.

There are also unique attacks used with the analogue stick and either attack button, for example tapping forward twice on the stick and pressing triangle will give you a dashing strike a la Devil May Cryís Stinger, moving back then forward with the analogue and square will perform a palm strike, and spinning the left stick with triangle will give you sword-foot breakdancing funtimes. Iíd prefer a lock-on method for these moves as in DMC since I find that much more comfortable and intuitive, there is lock on system, but there might as well not be for all the good it does.

The parry system is well implemented once you get over your instinct to dodge roll in this sort of game, pushing the left stick and square towards your attacker will block it, time it right just at the last moment and a follow up prompt will appear allowing you to do all sorts of crazy shit, both of you will probably end up in the air, one of you will come down in pieces.



Basically the combat is a nice balance, thereís plenty of depth there to be uncovered for fans of Platinumís signature action, in fact I know thereís tons of depth there but without a movelist or combat tutorial itís like playing Street Fighter back in the arcade before you figured out how to throw a hadouken (and keep in mind that this demo is before you start unlocking skills and using secondary weapons). But new players and holdover Metal Gear fans can still have fun and get by with the basics, unless it pulls a Batonetta and things get balls-hard (blard) as soon as the demo ends.

There are some niggling concerns, I still hope a dodge is unlocked at some point, you canít exactly parry a rocket or grenade and breaking into a ninja run not only breaks the flow of combat but has a slight delay, basically if you see a rocket coming and youíre not already moving itís probably going to hit you. The camera can be a pain too, it doesnít zoom out during combat, making it hard to concentrate on whatís coming at you when fighting people and Gekkos at the same time, meaning something will usually jump in from off-screen and hit you.

But those are all minor complaints when you can grab a Gekkoís head, gymnast swing between its legs and slice it to bits while flying up into the air upside-down, ripping out its heart is then optional if youíre feeling sassy. Itís definitely in line with Bayonetta and Vanquish in that itís just packed with ďholy shit did I just do thatĒ moments, only now it really does feel like youíre doing them instead of just mashing square to make it happen. And precision chopping enemies to regain full health and batteries is an interesting dynamic, your health can end up dangerously low if you donít pay attention but if you play smart you can instantly be back on top.




Rai-Raií goiní Cray-cray
I wonít get too heavy into spoilers, really thereís not that much to spoil anyway, but thereís definite foreshadowing that Raidenís starting to go off the deep end, maybe not MGS2 ending level crazy, but heís definitely enjoying himself a bit too much. Thereís been a lot of ďguilty-pleasure guilt-tripĒ games lately, games that have you do something fun and violent but then turn you around and say ďlook what you just didĒ, Iíd love to see Kojima take a stab at it, he might have even been the first one to do it with the whole Sorrow thing in the first place.


Codec Moments
Optional codec conversations, a personal favourite of mine, are back after being woefully underwhelming in MGS4. Thereís actually a bit more banter reminiscent of Snake Eater, from conversations about life after SOP to support members making fun of Raidenís unwanted nickname - ďMr. ThunderboltĒ. Itís just a nice touch Iíve always liked about the series and Iím glad to see it back.


Can love bloom, even on the battlefield?
Metal Gear games have always been cheesier than Liquid Snake at a fondue party, and Rising embraces that and takes it to a whole new level. Thereís a certain self awareness to it now, groan worthy lyrics kick in at the end of boss fights, characters sarcastically ask each other the meaning of life, and beyond the demo thereís apparently Ninja Turtle references and awful mariachi disguises that Raiden thinks are impenetrable.


Overall, Metal Gear Rising looks to combine the strengths of Platinum with the more ďout thereĒ elements of Metal Gear, so long as you donít come in with any misconceptions of a focus on stealth or pacifist runs and just embrace the cheese then good times will be had. Really the main problem with the demo is it looks like it was built for the show floor, with a Konami person shoutsplaining the finer points as you play.
Photo Photo Photo







Handy
8:17 PM on 10.20.2012



Iíve always been of the mind that while men and women are (obviously) equal they are not identical, and Iím going to speak really carefully here to get my point across without accidentally offending anyone, what I mean is that speaking on a broad scale men and women tend to be different. If I was born a girl I would be a fundamentally different person than I am now, whether by nature or nurture, I would not be who I am today, either because women are naturally inclined to go certain ways or because my experiences throughout life (school, friends, etc), especially in the developmental stages, would be different.


I always thought this was an important factor for creating a character, men and women arenít interchangeable, but lately Iíve noticed a lot of games challenge this idea, with varying results, and now Iím starting to wonder if maybe itís more in the world building that lets me buy into a characters opinions, gender or sexual orientation. You canít just say character X is a strong woman, we have to know what it means to be a strong woman in the context of their world or it means nothing.


A lot of people believe that playing as female Shepard in Mass Effect is a better experience, but FemShep and MaleShep are exactly the same character. Same mo-cap, same combat abilities, same dialogue (barring romance), so what is it that makes FemShep better in some peopleís eyes? Being female puts Shepardís character in a completely different context.




Playing as a girl in Persona 3 can be a very different experience, playing as a girl in Mass Effect is nearly identical to a male. But both pull it off well in different ways.


Firstly, the context of the world. Part of the reason Bioware was able to pull off a protagonist that could be either gender so well is because Mass Effect is set in the future, itís believable to assume that by this point humanity has achieved true gender equality, everybody treats Shepard the same no matter if theyíre a man or woman, and no one bats an eyelid over their commander being a woman. Put this in contrast with something like Dragon Age where somehow humanity has overcome sexism, racism and homophobia which I find jarring in a medieval world where everybody still discriminates against elves or mages or what have you.


Then thereís the context of the characters actions. Even though male and female Shepard do exactly the same things, it says something different about the character depending on their gender. For example, in Mass Effect 2 thereís a renegade option to headbutt a Krogan to shut him up and establish dominance, when MaleShep does this (aside from being hilarious) it says ďHa, Shepard is so alpha that he headbutted a Krogan!Ē, but seeing FemShep loaf a Krogan says something completely different. To be honest, I donít know what that something is, but itís different and itís interesting and I like it. Or hell, maybe it does say the exact same thing as MaleShep, but then itís still different, itís a member of the ďfairer sexĒ, and a fairer species no less, establishing herself as the alpha male of these hulking space monsters.





It always surprised me to hear the Metal Gear games praised for Vamp being bisexual, I thought he was a rather poor representation, mincing around the battlefield, licking his knives, and just generally being a creeper, I though he fit perfectly into the trope of the Depraved Bisexual. But then I remembered, Vamp was originally intended to be a woman, but when a boss with water based powers was scrapped and Fortune was introduced, Vamp was changed to a man. Aside from gender and inheriting the now defunct bossesí water abilities nothing else changed, including his relationship with Scott Dolph.




I wonder, would I have found Vamp as offensive if he remained a woman? Dancing around, licking blood off her lips and acting like the classic sexually charged vampire, you know, everything Vamp still does as a man? Was it my own perceptions or eagerness to hop on my high horse? Or should changing a characters gender mean more than swapping out their character model and voice actor. Honestly, I donít have an answer to that question, I donít know if there is an answer to that question, at best all I can say is judge it on a case by case basis.


While weíre on sexual orientation, Fallout: New Vegas also included lots of gay characters, including two of your possible followers. As characters, I thought they were great, to have gay characters whose entire being isnít based around their sexuality was refreshing, it was just a part of the whole. But I find it impossible to believe how nonchalant they were about it, they live in a fairly uncivilised post-apocalyptic land, and if that wasnít bad enough itís in the ruins of a society based on Fifties values. The only way this world could be worse for gay people is if the super mutants were religious fundamentalists.




And then thereís the logical inconsistencies.


I get what the creators were trying to do, just like with Dragon Age, the developers were trying to allow for more player choice and to be as inclusive as possible, thatís great, I totally encourage that, but the worlds these games take place in arenít that inclusive. Thedas and The Wasteland are so harsh and discriminatory that itís jarring when characters drop the fact that theyíre gay so casually. You canít just transplant our modern values into these bleak and often malicious settings, not without some kind of justification at least, have someone say that differences like that stopped mattering once the bombs fell, that people kill each other for food, not whether they like boys or girls.


Iím not trying to say that the default for any fictional world is that homophobia should be present or assumed until we learn otherwise, maybe these things were just never an issue in these worlds, but the sad fact is that these issues do exist in our world, and the player will still notice them.


In Borderlands 2 people offhandedly talk about same-sex spouses and exes all the time and I can buy it because that game is off the wall and doesnít take itself so seriously, and no, Iím not saying homosexuality isnít serious and shouldnít be portrayed that way, just that the setting isnít as heavy as the other examples. Even though Pandora is basically Planet Texas, because Borderlands 2 is so flippant about everything it doesnít break my suspension of disbelief when Sir Hammerlock mentions his ex boyfriend or when Axton comments on Salvadorís well toned ass. Kanji in Persona 4 is probably the most realistic take on the subject but that could, and has, fill an entire blog on its own.




Playing Uncharted as Doughnut Drake completely changes the context of why everything collapses under his weight and makes the game a story about Drakeís struggle with obesity.


We need to understand how these worlds work in relation to ours, if being gay or a strong woman isnít a big deal in your world then you need to paradoxically give us a nudge and wink to let us know itís not a big deal. You need to give us context, or let the player create their own. Iíve gone over this blog again and again and Iím still afraid people may misinterpret it so let me just be clear, Iím all for more diversity in games, I want them to be more inclusive, Iím just saying that giving the player more freedom can be a double-edged sword, doing so can sometimes lead to incongruity with the setting, and other times it can lead to us creating our own story, and that Iíd like to see more of the latter and less of the former.
Photo Photo Photo








Welcome to Fanart Flops, the horrifying videogame fanart feature that did it first, Something Awful and Kotaku .......even though thereís probably a dozen people who did it before me.

As always, for those of you who donít know (run, run away now!), Fanart Flops is not a collection of bad fanart, most artists featured here are actually quite talented, but unfortunately insane. Fanart Flops are the most bizarre and confusing pictures to be found on the internet, sometimes itís a strange idea or concept, sometimes there is some reasoning behind it but weíre seeing it out of context, and sometimes itís just ďoffĒ for lack of a better term.

Iím going to forgo peppering shitty jokes around every picture this time, I always felt I needed to contribute more than just uploading pictures for these blogs, but thatís because you donít see the hours I spend searching for fanart that meets the ridiculously specific rules Iíve set myself (some of which I break this time around), and also because I have to suffer the really nasty stuff I canít post here.

So check your sanity at the door, you wonít need it where weíre going.












Is it being pumped in or sucked out? Would either answer make you feel better?














































In fairness, they should have expected this sort of thing when they sexualised a gorilla.


























See, this is the thing about Fanart Flops, I know this is referencing something, I just have no idea what and itís hilarious out of context.
































Gotta go fast?


























Okay, this one is definitely intentional, but ďKrogan KokĒ makes me laugh so hard I had to include it. That and Iíve see a lot of Mass Effect alien cocks in my search for Fanart Flops and this is probably the only one I could get away with posting.














It took me a while to get this one, then I did and began to hate the world in a whole new way.



Photo Photo Photo







Handy
3:04 PM on 09.19.2012

Some people might think itís stupid to stake a claim on a character we know next to nothing about and wonít get to use for a month, but I consider it prudent, because Gaige is most definitely the best character by far, so good Gearbox decided they could get filthy rich be releasing her as DLC, and by invoking the right of dibs I retain sole use of her until further notice.

ďBut HandyĒ I hear you ask, ďstop doing push ups and tell us why sheís so great!Ē. Well...99...if you...100...insist.





She has sex with robots probably.

Iím assuming thatís what a Mechromancer does, romances mechs. Gaige canít be satisfied by a mere human, to fulfil her insatiable appetite it takes pistons and gears and motors and chassis and a complicated system of pulleys and a lot of motor oil, and that is something we have in common.

She has a robot arm.

Not only does it make all reload animations 37% cooler but thereís a harrowing tale behind the mechanical limb that fills out Gaigeís inspiring backstory. Gaige lost her arm in a tragic accident that may or may not have involved robot-sex, but instead of overcoming her disability like those pussys at the Paralympics she built herself a robot arm, but the robot arm was too well built. Every time Gaige tried to take a drink or pick up the phone it would shatter in her mighty hand, and she would scream to the heavens, no longer able to finish her Dr. Pepper. Cursed by her own genius and unable to hold down her job as a handshake envoy to the germaphobic she moved to Pandora to escape people drawing parallels between her and Dr. Claw from Inspector Gadget. All of this is cannon, Anthony Burch told me.





She has a big fuck-off robot.

Axton has a turret, which is almost like a robot but much, much lamer, Maya need to ask enemies to be polite and hold still so she can shoot them, the only advantage to Zer0ís ability is that we donít have to look at his stupid non-face, and Salvador needs to work himself into a frenzy to use both hands for some reason. Gaige, on the other robotic hand, need only call on her faithful friend D374-TP, or Deathtrap, to decimate the hoards of Pandora. Who needs co-op partners when you have a robot buddy to take on the wastes with you. Not Gaige, thatís who.

Sheís a strong female role model

Unlike that trollop Maya, Gaige is a true shining beacon for women in gaming. While Maya pretends to be strong and confident in herself, her looks betray her attitude, only wearing a swimsuit and pants, making sure to pull them down just enough on one side so we all know it, with her glowing blue tramp-stamp and lipstick that belongs in a B-movie vision of the future where people add the prefix ďcyber-ď to everything.





But Gaige likes to keep it casual, a simple skirt and hoodie, she doesnít even care about that plaster on her face, maybe sheíll take down Handsom Jackís empire, maybe sheíll laze around the house on Sunday, who knows. Topping it off with informal twin tails and thigh-high stripped stockings, not because theyíre sexy, but because they remind her of her favourite movie Ė Beetlejuice. Again, all cannon. Ask Anthony Burch if you donít believe me.
Photo Photo Photo








ďThat bitch took my skull.Ē Ė 50 Cent, poet laureate.

50 Cent: Blood on the Sand is a deeply personal journey, both for the player and 50 Cent himself, putting to light some harsh truths about gangster culture, videogames as an interactive storytelling medium, the war in Iraq, and the human condition. Some may dismiss it as 50 Centís personal million dollar wank fantasy, thinking it can only be enjoyed on an ironic level or by those emotionally damaged enough to actually aspire to be 50 Cent, but those people are philistines, too close-minded to appreciate the tale of subtle social commentary and deep political intrigue that is 50 Cent: Blood on the Sand.





Our journey begins in Iraq an unnamed Middle Eastern country as Fiddy finishes up a concert in what must be the only intact structure in the entire game. Literally one second after finishing his set our hero drops the mic and heads straight backstage to collect his money like a true artist, when told the promoter doesnít have ten million dollars on hand 50 responds by kicking down his door and pointing a shotgun in his face, luckily the promoter has a priceless diamond encrusted skull for some reason, and agrees to give it to 50 in exchange for not murdering him, but mostly as payment for the concert, because really, 50ís music is worth about as much as a priceless historical artefact.

Hell, his music is a priceless historical artefact.


Itís a clever parody of the persona that people project onto Fiddy as a heartless, money obsessed thug, who cares more for getting paid than putting on a good show for his fans, and the perceived culture of violence in gangster rap as he is put under peer pressure by his friends in G-unit to ďwaste this fuckerĒ in regards to their promoter. Fiddy is placed in a moral dilemma as he must choose between the death of a man or risk losing the respect of DJ Whoo Kid.

Afterward we are treated to a deep philosophical debate between 50 and the promoter about who has the best Gangsters, New York or NotIraq, 50 remains adamant in his conviction that New York is indeed a tougher place to live, I assume this is 50 Centís masterful use of irony at play, because this conversation is literally taking place in an armoured convoy in a bombed out war zone. But before this battle of wits can be decided their convoy is ambushed and the skull is stolen by a mysterious woman referred to only as ďBitchĒ, which Iím sure is a commentary on the treatment of women in the world of gangster rap.



ďWhereís mah skull, bitch?Ē Ė 50 Cent, role model.



And so we take control of 50 and begin our quest of fighting terrorists through the Middle East to retrieve a diamond covered skull. The gameplay is a beautiful parody of modern shooters, a completely bland third person shooter, occasional boring forced driving sections, every boss fight is a helicopter, and the brownest environments of any game ever, the ground is brown, the sky is brown, every building is brown, this game has more brown than Poo Mountain in Conkerís Bad Fur Day. With every kill a meter will slowly decrease, and if you can kill again before it empties the meter will refill and youíll be given a multiplier for bonus points.





Yes, 50 Cent: Blood on the Sand reintroduces killing for points to gaming. Itís an exploration of the effect violent media has had on society, seeing the results in a world were violence has become trivialised. After all, thereís no way 50 Cent, a former victim of gun violence, would ever star in a game that glorifies it, that would just be profoundly moronic.



ĒYouíre one crazy bitch, you know that?Ē Ė 50 Cent, lyricist of the streets.



Soon, 50 meets an arms dealer who gives him one piece of sage advice that he should adhere to: ďTrust no oneĒ, 50 takes this advice to heart by not trusting the arms dealer which paradoxically means he will trust every person he meets in the game despite every single one of them turning on him. 50 then goes to a strip club to find out the whereabouts of the skull, it is here that 50 meets his greatest ethical challenge yet. After our hero pushes a stripper and asks ďwhereís your boss, bitch?Ē he comes face to face with the strip club owner, Eddie, who is also his biggest fan.

50 must now confront the consequences of what he has encouraged through his music. This man dresses and acts like 50, he has modelled his lifestyle on his music videos, Fiddy looks around at what he has created by proxy, life is hard enough for a woman in this country, ravaged by war and religious fundamentalism, and now, thanks to him, the few that remain are being exploited for sex. 50 has a crisis of conscience, should he continue projecting his gangster image? Or must he give up the excessive lifestyle he has become accustomed to in order to restore his moral integrity? Can he help these women seek a better life? Should he take Eddie under his wing and teach him the true values of life, respect and what it means to be a musician as he tries to redeem the strip club owner, and perhaps, himself?

Spoiler: Later on he blows up a bus full of strippers.


A little more on gameplay. Scattered throughout the levels are crates full of bling 50 must collect if you want to earn medals, these crates full of diamond rings and gold dogtags are a stark juxtaposition to the meagre surroundings, itís a commentary on the forced integration of western decadence in the Middle East. Accompanying you in each mission is an interchangeable member of G-unit, who randomly and without explanation swap places between missions and never appear in cutscenes, perhaps a metaphor for the other members feelings of resentment as they are overshadowed by Fiddy. And of course the swear button, which is necessary for to you earn bonus points, showing us, the player, how it must feel to have to force profanity into you works to be successful.





Next 50 is approached by a mercenary group that tried to kill him, 50 agrees to help them steal some gold so long as 50 getís half, they rob the gold, killing two innocent men, the mercenary leader betrays him, helicopter boss fight. 50 eventually catches up with Bitch, and kills her Boss in a helicopter boss fight. Bitch then reveals that a man named Wilder has the skull and that heís holding Bitchís family hostage, then they kiss for some reason, no doubt lamp shading forced romantic subplots in games.



ĒGimmie my skull, bitchĒ Ė 50 Cent, artist who preformed for the illustrious Gaddafi family.



Several helicopter boss fights later Fiddy finds Wilder and we learn that the concert promoter is in cahoots with him. Now, normally this would raise a few questions in most games. Why did Wilder rob the promoter if he planed to pay him off? Why didnít he just take the skull? Why did he bother paying off the promoter, who canít do shit, instead of just paying 50 for the gig? Why give 50 the skull in the first place if you were just going to rob it off him? Why create this convoluted series of event to entangle 50 Cent in this at all? Especially when all it does is motivate him to kill all your men because you stole something you already own? Did 50 just forget about all that gold from three hours ago? He just kind of walked off and left it there. Luckily the writers of Blood on the Sand sidestep these issues by never noticing them.

And it is at this point that Fiddy must kill the promoter and fight his way through Wilders henchmen, but just when the skull is within his grasp, he is faced with a tough moral choice.

Yes, you read that right, 50 Cent: Blood on the Sand has a moral choice.

50 finds a shortcut to Wilder but Bitch, who is en route to save her family, informs him that unlocking the door will activate the security, unlocking all the doors and swamping her with enemies. And so the player is faced with a harrowing decision, unlock the door: sacrificing Bitch and her family, or take the long way around, which means playing 50 Cent: Blood on the Sand for another fifteen minutes.

The game then splits in two wildly different directions as taking the shortcut leads to Bitch betraying you, but going the long way around leads to Bitch betraying you....over the phone. Showing us how choice in a game never really matters as the story always ends up hitting the same notes anyway. One last helicopter boss fight later and Fiddy has finally gotten his coveted diamond skull back, after killing hundreds of people, destroying the remaining infrastructure of a war torn city and making off with the broken countryís last remaining piece of wealth that he has no claim to, what does he do with this relic of immeasurable fortune?




Totally worth it.


I could go on about how amazing this game is. About how the city is completely barren except for the enemies, meaning they were the ones at his concert. About the subtle parody of rapper narcissism by having a game about 50 Cent, were all the music is 50 Cent, and 50 Cent goes around collecting 50 Cent posters. About the stellar voice acting, where 50 actually sounds like he has a mouth full of marbles and never emotes, or the astonishing face capture technology, which truly encapsulates the half inflated balloon filled with meat that is Fiddyís face. But really, this is a game that must be experienced firsthand, then youíll understand why ďBitch took mah skullĒ is the ďWould you kindlyĒ of 2009.
Photo Photo Photo








Well, this place has been all about the community spirit lately hasnít it? And you know one of the loveliest community traditions Dtoid members carry out every year? Thatís right, avatar adoption! The wonderful act of Dtoiders going to PAX who take the avatars of the less fortunate members who canít make the trip for one reason or another. Iíve been lucky enough to have had two foster parents take me on the trip in the last two years, Elsa and Corduroy Turtle, and both were kind enough to chronicle my avatarís adventures so I could live vicariously through them.

So I decided that this year I would forgo trying to convince you with an assortment of blatant lies and would instead show you what my avatar has gotten up to, what you can expect, and what kind of people you can meet if youíre willing to give a out a Handy on the sly.

And also make as many handjob jokes as possible.




Jim sterling was quite pleased when he received a Handy in the dead of night.




But Occamís Electric Toothbrush got a Handy in the middle of the street in broad daylight!




Max Scoville will pay good money for a quick Handy.




Tara Long got a Handy when she was least expecting it.




Danny Baranowsky, composer for Super Meat Boy and Binding of Isaac, was so flexible he could lick the Handy he was receiving.




Derek Yu, creator of Spelunky, got a well earned Handy to relieve his stress.




Even Renegade FemShep got a Handy. See? Bioware support all relationship types.




Carmine sympathizers were giving out free Handys to support their cause.




While it should be mechanically impossible for Juri to receive a Handy, Iíve seen plenty of Street Fighter fan art that tells me otherwise.




Mr Andy Dixon Wario got himself a Handy too.




Johnny Cage got a Handy right in the middle of the supermarket, that canít be good for hygienic standards.




Mr Destructoid can get a Handy whenever he wants.




Hamza got a HandyÖ..




...Two years in a row! Could you get me that hat-trick?




The cast of Mega64 all got Handys, the new guy with the dreadlocks did not approve.




All Dtoiders at the meet ups got a Handy under the table.




Of course Neiro got a Handy.




And finally, a picture of Corduroy Turtle giving Ken Levine a Handy.



So what do you say? Would you like to adopt my avatar and give everyone you meet a PAX a Handy? Giving out Handys left and right till your hands are covered in sticky white fluid, by which I mean the kind found at those hygienic hand gel stations I assume they have to help stop the spread of germs at PAX.

Huge thanks again to Corduroy and Elsa for taking all these pictures.

Disclaimer: If you adopt my avatar I hold you under no obligation to take pictures with gaming celebrities or Destructoid staff members or to do anything else if you donít feel like itÖÖÖ..though Elsa did send me some swagÖ..just sayiní.
Photo Photo Photo