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Handy avatar 5:31 PM on 04.28.2010
Why FFXIII is the worst one EVAR!

Final Fantasy was an instant classic ever since the first game in the series (Final Fantasy VII) came out. But since then the games quality has been in a slow downward spiral and has gradually fallen out of the graces of its fans and turned into a pale shallow husk of what it used to represent. Until now it was at least a tolerable husk, close enough to what it used to be to still be a decent experience, but since FFXIII was released we have all discovered how SquareEnix plans to continue the series, they plan to continue changing things and making the games feel different and basically making a new game every time, the nerve...... and Iím here to show you why FFXIII is the worst offender yet!

Reason #1 Ė The menus donít go blep, blep, blep.

Right off the bat they decided to get rid of an old staple of the series. Cycling through the menus in a FF game has always been accompanied by the soothing tones of the ďblep blepĒ sound. It has always been there, ready to greet us with every new game like a dog wagging it tail as its owner enters the house. But now the dog has gotten ideas above its station and has bitten the hand that feeds, changing the ďblep blepĒ sound is essentially the same as them saying ďFuck you! We donít care about your nostalgia. Weíll put in any sound we want and youíll like it motherfucker!Ē Now when we peruse the menus we are met with the cold and heartless ďdic dicĒ sound instead.

Reason #2 Ė The fights arenít turn based.

Most people think that the early FF games had turn based combat because of the technical limitations of consoles at the time but thatís just a myth, the true fans know the reason why this decision was made. The real fans know that Final Fantasy games come from Japan. You see, Japan is a country steeped in respect, politeness, and honour, so much so that they actually take turns in their fights as a sign of respect. To not take turns in a fight is to dishonour yourself, thatís why they invented kamikaze pilots Ė if they waited for the enemy boats to retaliate they would have been shot out of the sky, so they tried to destroy them in their first attack. But Final Fantasy has abandoned its Japanese roots by getting rid of turns and trying to appeal to a wider audience by copying fast paced western games like Devil May Cry and Bayonetta.


THIS IS CONFUSING FOR ME!

Reason #3 Ė The chocobo song is some techno remix bullshit.

Another staple of the series defiled. The chocobo song is something every fan of FF waits to hear. With every entry of the series the song changed slightly while still sounding familiar. The first time you encounter a chocobo in each game the tune starts and a smile spreads across the players face, itís actually been scientifically proven that if you donít smile when you hear it then you probably lack a conscience and it has been used to test the mental state of potential murderers. So how could FFXIII possibly mess this up? By making it a techno remix thatís how. Now instead of being accompanied by a warm fuzzy feeling when the song starts, youíre more likely to be accompanied by someone with a nose full of cocaine whoís carrying glow sticks and wearing sunglasses indoors at night.

Reason #4 Ė I have to think now.

Not only have they gotten rid of turns theyíve completely changed the whole fighting system! Now I have to set up strings of attacks and shift tactics mid fight and change the roles of the characters to suit the situation, itís all too much. Now I actually have to pay attention to what Iím doing instead of hitting Attack, Attack, Attack every time or Attack, Attack, Cure for boss fights. Itís not fair, now itís too hard.


IíM STILL CONFUSED!!!

Reason #5 Ė Itís on the Xbox.

Everybody knows that FFXIII was ready to go gold and come out a little while after E3, but then SquareEnix had to go and sellout to Microsoft like cashwhores. Now that the game had to come out for the Xbox it was delayed again so they could cut out all of the towns and side quests and also make the graphics worse so they could fit it on 3 DVDs, they even considered cutting out voice acting to save space. Itís a known fact that the PS3 is 3.7 times more powerful than the 360 so logic dictates that FFXIII was 3.7 times better before it was compromised by going multiplatform.


Ugh...hideous.....look at it....itís like someone scraped my eyes out with multiplatform sandpaper.

Reason #6 Ė Cid isnít grumpy enough.


Look at him....all calm.....how dare they.

Final Fantasy without a grumpy Cid isnít Final Fantasy at all. FFXIIIís Cid doesnít even have facial hair! Heís not nearly grumpy enough, sure heís a bit sullen, but heís not grumpy. Ok so heís an intriguing conflicted character, but heís not like most of the other Cidís. When will SquareEnix learn that we donít want any new interesting characters, we want the same ones over and over only with different appearances and names.

Reason #7 Ė Simon Cowell.



Bear with me here for a second, a Leona Lewis song appears in FFXIII, Leona Lewis was discovered on X Factor or Pop Idol or American Idol or Britainís got Talent or one of those shows, whatever show it was it was produced by Simon Cowell, which means when you buy FFXIII a small fraction of your money goes to that man. Are you ok with that? Giving money to the man who has plagued television with no less than five talent competitions in which he sits in a panel of judges and insults people, six with the upcoming American X Factor. He just keeps on repackaging the same basic elements but changing the people and places they appear in and calls it new, how does that have anything to do with Final Fantasy!?

Reason #8 Ė Itís not Final Fantasy VII.

REMAKE IT REMAKE IT REMAKE IT REMAKE IT REMAKE IT REMAKE IT REMAKE IT REMAKE IT REMAKE IT REMAKE IT REMAKE IT REMAKE IT REMAKE IT REMAKE IT REMAKE IT REMAKE IT REMAKE IT REMAKE IT REMAKE IT REMAKE IT REMAKE IT REMAKE IT REMAKE IT REMAKE IT REMAKE IT REMAKE IT REMAKE IT REMAKE IT REMAKE IT REMAKE IT REMAKE IT REMAKE IT REMAKE IT REMAKE IT REMAKE IT REMAKE IT REMAKE IT REMAKE IT REMAKE IT REMAKE IT REMAKE IT REMAKE IT REMAKE IT REMAKE IT REMAKE IT REMAKE IT REMAKE IT REMAKE IT REMAKE IT REMAKE IT REMAKE IT REMAKE IT REMAKE IT REMAKE IT REMAKE IT REMAKE IT REMAKE IT REMAKE IT REMAKE IT REMAKE IT REMAKE IT REMAKE IT REMAKE IT.

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