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Handy avatar 8:32 AM on 02.08.2010
Valentine’s Day, Shmalentine’s.....Shmay.

Ah Valentine’s Day. Love, romance, intimacy.......or, if you live in the real world, depression, loneliness and isolation. True love, or as it’s also known The Greatest Lie Ever Told, has been portrayed in games many times, taunting us with their unattainable promises of devotion to one another and daring feats to protect the one you love. But we’re not here to talk about those games, we’re here to talk about the games that aren’t afraid to tell it like it is, the games that stand up and say “That’s not the way it happens!”, the games that rip out your still beating heart and step on it in five inch heels. Why write this you ask? Well I can tell you I’m certainly not bitter because someone broke up with me just before Valentine’s Day that’s for certain.....I don’t even care!

Besides it was either this or a blog about how I want spend Valentine’s Day eating heart shaped steak with Chie.

Tidus and Yuna.

The PS2s golden couple might seem like a great pair on the surface, but dig a little deeper and you’ll find that this house of love was built on a foundation of lies. You see Tidus isn’t real, or he’s from the past, or the future, or he’s a dream, or a summon or something I’m not sure. Anyway the point is once the adventure is over and it’s time to settle down he disappears, because that’s what a real relationship is, someone sticking around till all the excitement is over and then leaving once shit gets real. Poor Yuna was left with all sorts of abandonment and self esteem issues, she started dressing in hot pants and fell in with a bad crowd, it’s a good thing they didn’t make a game of that because it would be terrible.


Also I just realised their celebrity couple name would be Tuna.

Wander and Mono.

What some people consider the purest form of love to ever grace a videogame, the story of Wander and Mono shows just how far a person will go for someone they love. But then it goes one step further and shows what happens no matter how far you go for someone. Wander goes through hell, he scales and murders sixteen gargantuan creatures and even gets possessed for the well being of his loved one, and what happens after all that? She gets up completely unaware, will only ever treat him like a child, and she takes his ride, it’s practically a divorce settlement. Because that what a real relationship is, giving up everything for the one you love and then being left alone and horny for the rest of your life.....literally horny.


Do they have pre-nup in their world?

Niko and Michelle.

Poor Niko. He just came to Liberty city looking for a better life. Settle down, get a job, maybe find a nice girl. Instead he gets roped into one of those “my cousins girlfriend wants to set me up” situations, so you go on one slightly awkward date and everything’s all good.......then the phone calls start. Every time he’s on a mission or running from the police its “how come you never call?” or “let’s go out!” and if it’s not her it’s the guy who set you up asking Niko to be unfaithful and see some “Big American TIIIIIIIIIIITEEEEEEES!”. Then when he does take her out all she does is pry into his personal life to try and find out about crime, not to mention how when Niko finally makes a big score she rings him up, takes the money and reveals how she was working for the government. Because that’s what a real relationship is, a constant barrage of questions ending in a gold digging ulterior motive.


Oh I bet you do...

Anyone in Metal Gear and anyone else in Metal Gear.

Hideo knows what’s up, he won’t let anyone in these games be happy. Every time someone gets a glimpse of happiness Hideo rears his fancy glasses wearing head and pulls it out from underneath them. So long is the list of broken hearts that’s it’s easier to just list who it is and the reasons why it didn’t work.

Snake and Meryl – Reason: Unknown, he probably left after he saw her back and shoulders.
Snake and Mei Ling – Reason: Come on man she’s like sixteen!
Snake and Otacon – Reason: Society would never understand their love.
Otacon and Emma – Reason: Family issues.
Otacon and his step mother – Reason: more family issues.
Otacon and Sniper Wolf – Reason: Snake gave her the old lead kiss.
Otacon and Naomi – Reason: Jesus this guy gets around, anyway she’s dead.
The Boss and the Sorrow – Reason: It’s all politics.
Big Boss and the Boss – Reason: It’s still all politics.
Big boss and Eva – Reason: She was cheating on him with China.
Big Boss and Ocelot – Reason: It was a bit one sided.
Natasha and Ames – Reason: Nobody cares about tertiary characters.
Raikov and Volgin – Reason: A relationship built on sex and masochism can only last so long.
Raiden and Rose – Reason: She’ll probably die, he’s going to need some motivation for that new game.
Raiden and the president – Reason: It was more sexual harassment than a relationship but still.


There was a bit of sexual tension between these two as well.

Because that’s what a real relationship is, a convoluted series of couples that ends with everyone miserable. I’m telling ya, Metal Gear Rising is probably going to turn out like Rent.

The Bionic Commando and his wife-arm.

You might remember Bionic Commando as “that game with the stupidest plot twist ever where the main character’s robot arm turned out to be his wife”. The game was lampooned by critics as mediocre at best and after just a year is still infamous for its unnecessary swearing, obtrusive Pepsi ads, and the completely serious portrayal of the wife-arm. What people didn’t realise was that Bionic Commando was a subtle critique of the modern relationship. Think about it, the commando uses his arm for everything, transport, combat, sexual release (probably), the man is completely dependant on his arm but is still oblivious to the fact that it’s his wife.

What happens if an objective is too far away? Make your wife-arm get it.
What happens when you’re out of ammo? Hit ‘em with your wife-arm.
What happens when you try to go outside the areas the wife-arm allows you? You die.

The guy is basically a dead-beat husband (and maybe a wife beater?) he relies on his wife for everything and doesn’t know/care about the pain he causes her. Because that’s what a real relationship is, one person constantly taking while the other constantly gives in the hopes that “one day they’ll change”.


I heard she found someone new though!

So there you have it, some of the few games that aren’t afraid to face reality. So when you’re handing her jewellery or giving him aftershave just keep two things in mind.
#1 These games.
#2 Eventually your relationship will crash and burn until you’re left kneeling in the charred ashes of what was once your heart, burned down by the person you trusted most with it when you learn that they didn’t really care for you, they were just toying with your love like a kitten with a ball of wool, digging their claws into you until all you thought that was pure and innocent in this world becomes a rotten visage for all the pain and suffering you went through for their sick enjoyment.....................Happy Valentine’s Day!

P.S. Surprise! I wrote about Final Fantasy and Metal Gear again. I love those games but god damn they’re easy targets. Will this exciting and uncreative trend continue? Tune in next time to find out!

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