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Top 12 Videogame porno parodies (NSFW)

7:30 PM on 11.11.2010 // Handy

[Editor's note: Hey look! We're promoting blogs again. Feels good, man. Here's a sick filthy article from Handy. What a pervert. -- CTZ]

Videogames get a bad rep. We’ve already talked a thousand times about how they don’t get the same level of respect as movies or books, but there is one form of media that we still stand head and shoulders above. Yes, I’m talking about that sweet nectar we all partake in, maybe even a little too much, especially you, there, yes you, you know who you are.  Pornography.

In a way, it kind of shows how far we’ve come. Once upon a time porn parodies were reserved exclusively for film, taking the basic premise of the plot, adding a lot of graphic sex and making a lame pun out of the name was all it took to make your classic parody flick. But now, as a benchmark showing the progress we’ve made, the sleaze merchants have honoured videogames by taking the basic premise of the plot, adding a lot of graphic sex and making a lame pun out of the name.

This is a good thing right? Below you will find such movies, but in an effort to avoid offending anyone I have very tastefully censored out any nudity.

Womb Raider



All right, let’s get the obvious one out of the way first. Lara Croft was a sex symbol, and tomb rhymes with womb. Prepare yourself for such subtle comedy throughout this post! I am slightly confused about this one though. If Lara’s having sex with a bunch of men then wouldn’t that make them the womb raiders? Or is Lara the womb raider and this film is strictly girl on girl? Either way her scrunched up serpent face makes me fear the answer.

Call of Booty: Modern Whorefare



What better way to honour the brave men and women fighting in the Middle East than by recreating the experience in a videogame? Well, by recreating the videogame experience in porn of course! It’s all in there, sneaking aboard a soaking wet tanker, taking a nuke to the face, and wading through the bush surrounded but Russian men, only this time those are all metaphors. The game and movie even share a big chunk of the same audience -- 14-year-olds with erections spouting profanity and watching content inappropriate for their age group.

Princess of Persia



I was surprised to learn that there was a porn movie based on Prince of Persia, I was even more surprised to learn that it’s based off the original 1989 Prince of Persia game. Apparently some sort of magic orb thingy has been stolen by the US government and it’s up to the princess of Persia to get it back for the prosperity of her people ... by having sex with everyone. Ah, the good old days when porn movies thought they needed a plot.

World of Whorecraft



World of Whorecraft
(or Whorelore as its also known) is exactly what you think it is, porn inspired by WoW. Expect plenty of elf girls and body paint, there’s probably a wood nymph in there too or something. Chances are they called it a wood nympho. Sorry, my knowledge of WoW is limited at best, but feel free to insert your own long sword or “level grinding” joke in this spot.

Geki Fit



Even the peripherals aren’t safe! Apparently some yoga porn just wasn’t enough, they had to get in on the fitness craze, in case it isn’t clear this is porn based off Wii Fit. Makes me wonder if there’s Virtual Boy or Super Scope porn out there. God only knows what they did with the Power Glove. But come on, if you’re going to combine videogames, yoga, and porn how could you not bring in Dhalsim? He can stretch any part of his body!

Left 4 Head



I’m sure you’ve all heard of this one. Once again my lack of knowledge about the game is holding me back (but hey, it’s not like any of the porn directors let that stop them.) The film features Zoey being restrained and possibly raped by a smoker I think, there is also an act of forced fellatio preformed on the smokers tongue although I’m not sure it counts as fellatio if that’s a tongue, isn’t that technically just kissing?

Final Fuck X



With a franchise as popular as Final Fantasy and parody porn about games starting to sprout up, something like this was inevitable, although I thought they’d be cleverer with the name. I mean, the word fantasy is right there, you couldn’t work with that? You couldn’t even use three X’s? Anyway it’s pretty much what you expect. I’d make a joke about not being able to tell if it’s gay porn or not but frankly I’m so sick of people ragging on the male characters looks that I won’t even though I just did I call that the roundabout.

Poké a Mom



Everything I read about this was in German so I decided to write my own plot synopsis:

“Ash had gone out on another adventure with another random girl and the strange man who never opened his eyes and said he liked to “breed” Pokémon. Ash’s mother would worry but there were more important matters at hand, it was time for spring cleaning! She was busying herself with the dusting when she began to feel that familiar tingle, she gave a sly sideways glance towards Mr. Mime. He was occupied polishing the mahogany desk, that thick wood hadn’t looked so good in years, she thought as she descended from the ladder. Mr Mime, having caught the mischievous look in her eye, was beginning to feel anxious. He slowly backed away but Mrs. Ketchum was quickly approaching. He tried to cast barrier but she was using feint attack, once they were face to face she demanded that he use dig and then follow that up with mudslap, Mr. Mime wasn’t even a ground type but he knew it didn’t matter anymore, he took a deep sigh and resigned himself for yet another long day. When his ekans was ready Mrs. Ketchum...”

That’s about as far as I could get before I needed a drink.

Brain Age. Wait, what?



Brain Age
porn. Seriously? Someone saw Brain Age and thought “This. This is sexy.” What even happens, does Dr. Kawashima’s disembodied head float around and please women? Doesn’t his creepy angular face cut the hell out of their inner thighs? Will he berate me for not watching every day? Will he make me feel bad about myself no matter how well I wank? The title literally translates to “Dick Drilling Adult’s Lewd Word Self Training” Soooo, I don’t know, does this thing teach you swear words in Japanese? How does this exist?!?

Super Hornio Brothers



Once again showing the brilliance of the porn industry Super Hornio Brothers was conceived when one (of many) geniuses noticed that, like Mario, Ron Jeremy is both fat and has a moustache. This revelation lead to what is surely the Citizen Kane of videogames being basterdized into films and then basterdized again into porn films. With any luck we might get a sequel staring Birdo.

??? This Thing ???



Umm, I have no idea what that says, I think there’s a number four in there somewhere but, yeah. But those are game characters right? That’s definitely Lightning from FF13 in the top right and I think the one on the left is from Dragon Quest or something, I don’t know about the rest, Soul Calibur maybe? You’d think Soul Calibur porn would have appeared by now, hell it’s practically porn already, still not as bad as Dead or Alive though, come to think of it DoA porn should have been the first thing I ran into! What were we talking about? Oh yeah, that thing. Well if you think this is a weak entry then you can write your own damn list blog.

Vice City Porn



Vice City Porn and indeed all GTA knockoff porn is what I imagine would be the left over gunk if you pored all modern entertainment through a sieve. You take all the parts of GTA that appeal to the lowest common denominator, throw out all of the character and satire, stuff it with the controversy heard on the news and then add a bunch of sex scenes for good measure. GTA knockoff porn such as Grand Theft Anal, Good Touch Auto, Grand Tits Auto, and San Andreass are the slurry you find by mixing together the worst aspects of both mediums, that’s not to say GTA is one of the worst aspects of gaming but if you take it out of its context it can come off pretty bad. And they don’t even make any hot coffee jokes!

And no, I’m not giving out links for these movies.



Handy,
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