Ladies and gentlemen weíve been had! After using my contacts and going undercover in the criminal underworld I have discovered that weíve all been played for fools. We are nothing but pawns in an elaborate game of chess that has spanned months if not years. Iím talking of course, about the scheme that has tricked many a member of the Destructoid community into buying games for a criminal mastermind. A man so absorbed in crime that heís rumoured to be the child of Bonnie and Clyde, adopted and raised by Al Capone, been the first person to come straight out of Compton, and murdered every NPC in every GTA game ever. Iím talking about this man.....
Yes Samit Sarkar, or as heís known to his friends ďSlick SammyĒ, has been working the angles for a while now, known as the innocent but lovable sports fanatic who hasnít played some of the most important games of the last decade, or at least thatís what he wants you to think. But ask yourself this, how much do we really know about Samit? Does he really love sports? Why does it take him so long to answer questions on the podcast? Well after extensive undercover sleuthing I have found the answers to those questions and I bring them to you now at the risk of a hit being put out on me.
How much do we really know about Samit?
Not a lot. We assume heís from New York because he wears a hat with a NY on it. Itís believed that he spent the early years of his life grifting the other children out of their lunch money, his teens were spent hustling pool and running a gambling racket on baseball matches, and from then on he spent his time duping married women out of their engagement rings.....until he saw the biggest swindling opportunity of his life.......Destructoid.
Does he really love sports?
No. The sports lover faÁade is an useful tool for Samit when heís in need of an alibi, you see there will usually be some sort of sports event on most nights of the week which gives him an reason for not playing games e.g. ďhey Samit did you play Bioshock yet?Ē ďNo. The Yankees were playing last night.Ē It also lets him appear as a serious gamer that plays a lot of sports games when in fact we all know these games have no plot or end, so when questioned about what happens in them no one can prove him wrong. And all it took was a baseball cap.
Why does it take him so long to answer questions on the podcast?
Because he makes it up as he goes along. The only problem with Samitís plan to infiltrate Destructoid is that it worked too well, now heís stuck answering questions about things that he doesnít have a clue about, his main tactic is to stall for time until people stop listening and donít realise that heís said nothing coherent or until a cast member gets frustrated and interrupts, along with peppering his conversation with constant ďummsĒ.
But why do all this? What is Samitís goal? How is he making money off of us? Well, what Samit is doing is garnishing pity from the Destructoid community by claiming to have neither the time nor the money to buy and play the most important games from recent years, hearing this, members of Destructoid have gone out and bought Samit copies of these games and sent them to him, Samit now in possession of a mountain of games is making remarkable profit by reselling them to the unaware public. He took advantage of our biggest weakness Ė our pride. By letting us believe that we know best when it comes to games and that weíll ďtake care of itĒ for him he took us to the cleaners, he did what all great con men do Ė took advantage our arrogance and turned it into profit.
Think about it! How many of these games has he actually finished? Heís had Bioshock for like a month and still hasnít finished it. Sure he claims
to be playing all these games on the hardest difficulty but thatís just a stalling tactic. This final picture is the last piece of evidence I could obtain in my investigation before I was spotted by the crime lord himself so I leave you with this, it seems that Samit Sarkar or should I say SCAMIT SCHEMEKAR (Iím proud of that one) has grown such contempt for the community and finds conning people out of games so amusing that heís actually started to derive sexual pleasure from the games people get for him.
I donít have much time left, after I was spotted taking that picture Samit has no doubt put a search out for me so I must go into hiding now, but before I go let me say that we canít be afraid of people like Samit, we have to stand up to them and tell them that we wonít accecpt their threats of vio.....whoís there......H-Hey Samit.....What? No man youíve got it all wrong, I-I didnít take any pictures.......please......put the bat down.....Samit no........NO...........AAAAHHHHHHH!!!...............