Ladies and gentlemen we’ve been had! After using my contacts and going undercover in the criminal underworld I have discovered that we’ve all been played for fools. We are nothing but pawns in an elaborate game of chess that has spanned months if not years. I’m talking of course, about the scheme that has tricked many a member of the Destructoid community into buying games for a criminal mastermind. A man so absorbed in crime that he’s rumoured to be the child of Bonnie and Clyde, adopted and raised by Al Capone, been the first person to come straight out of Compton, and murdered every NPC in every GTA game ever. I’m talking about this man.....
Yes Samit Sarkar, or as he’s known to his friends “Slick Sammy”, has been working the angles for a while now, known as the innocent but lovable sports fanatic who hasn’t played some of the most important games of the last decade, or at least that’s what he wants you to think. But ask yourself this, how much do we really know about Samit? Does he really love sports? Why does it take him so long to answer questions on the podcast? Well after extensive undercover sleuthing I have found the answers to those questions and I bring them to you now at the risk of a hit being put out on me.
How much do we really know about Samit?
Not a lot. We assume he’s from New York because he wears a hat with a NY on it. It’s believed that he spent the early years of his life grifting the other children out of their lunch money, his teens were spent hustling pool and running a gambling racket on baseball matches, and from then on he spent his time duping married women out of their engagement rings.....until he saw the biggest swindling opportunity of his life.......Destructoid.
Does he really love sports?
No. The sports lover façade is an useful tool for Samit when he’s in need of an alibi, you see there will usually be some sort of sports event on most nights of the week which gives him an reason for not playing games e.g. “hey Samit did you play Bioshock yet?” “No. The Yankees were playing last night.” It also lets him appear as a serious gamer that plays a lot of sports games when in fact we all know these games have no plot or end, so when questioned about what happens in them no one can prove him wrong. And all it took was a baseball cap.
Why does it take him so long to answer questions on the podcast?
Because he makes it up as he goes along. The only problem with Samit’s plan to infiltrate Destructoid is that it worked too well, now he’s stuck answering questions about things that he doesn’t have a clue about, his main tactic is to stall for time until people stop listening and don’t realise that he’s said nothing coherent or until a cast member gets frustrated and interrupts, along with peppering his conversation with constant “umms”.
But why do all this? What is Samit’s goal? How is he making money off of us? Well, what Samit is doing is garnishing pity from the Destructoid community by claiming to have neither the time nor the money to buy and play the most important games from recent years, hearing this, members of Destructoid have gone out and bought Samit copies of these games and sent them to him, Samit now in possession of a mountain of games is making remarkable profit by reselling them to the unaware public. He took advantage of our biggest weakness – our pride. By letting us believe that we know best when it comes to games and that we’ll “take care of it” for him he took us to the cleaners, he did what all great con men do – took advantage our arrogance and turned it into profit.
Think about it! How many of these games has he actually finished? He’s had Bioshock for like a month and still hasn’t finished it. Sure he claims
to be playing all these games on the hardest difficulty but that’s just a stalling tactic. This final picture is the last piece of evidence I could obtain in my investigation before I was spotted by the crime lord himself so I leave you with this, it seems that Samit Sarkar or should I say SCAMIT SCHEMEKAR (I’m proud of that one) has grown such contempt for the community and finds conning people out of games so amusing that he’s actually started to derive sexual pleasure from the games people get for him.
I don’t have much time left, after I was spotted taking that picture Samit has no doubt put a search out for me so I must go into hiding now, but before I go let me say that we can’t be afraid of people like Samit, we have to stand up to them and tell them that we won’t accecpt their threats of vio.....who’s there......H-Hey Samit.....What? No man you’ve got it all wrong, I-I didn’t take any pictures.......please......put the bat down.....Samit no........NO...........AAAAHHHHHHH!!!...............