The NPC survival guide.

If you ever find yourself in a game, this comprehensive guide will show you how to not die a horrible, horrible death. For those of you that don’t know (shame on you) NPCs are Non Playable Characters, the extras of the gaming world.

We’ve all played games and thought how much fun it would be to be a protagonist, but have you ever wondered just how bloodcurdlingly terrifying it would be to be an NPC. Death awaits you around every corner, main characters, villains, bosses...... all of them want you dead. But worry no more, because with this extensive guide, you sir or madam can avoid a horrific painful demise.

Tip #1 – Avoid New York at all costs.

New York, Liberty City, Empire City, umm.... Metro town, whatever they call it you must never go there. If you already live there follow this advice carefully. Get in your car and drive. Don’t pack any belongings..... you won’t need them where you’re going. Don’t stop driving for anything, not for red lights, not for electric men, and not for people with pointy arms. And above all else..... avoid eastern European men in tracksuits.


The daily commute is a bitch too...

Tip #2 – Never stand near glass.

No seriously....don’t. It is a well known fact that any NPC that stands behind a window or glass wall is most likely going to die in a very unpleasant way. You need to be especially careful of this in horror games. Most of the time the protagonist will just stand there and watch. You see, horror glass isn’t like regular glass, horror glass releases a pheromone that attracts monsters, zombies, dinosaurs and the like. And it’s reinforced so the hero can watch you die and not feel guilty about not helping.


The best example I can find despite this happening in countless games.

Tip #3 – Protagonist assessment.

One must take the upmost care when a protagonist is in the area. Many times a game will force a protagonist into a moral dilemma. These tests of character will set them down a path of either saintly righteousness or basterdly debauchery. Examine their appearance and attitude before coming within reach of them. If they are friendly, clean cut or accompanied by the singing of a church choir then they may be approachable. If they are scowling, covered in blood or their eyes glow red like the scream of a thousand souls ........you should probably run.




Tip #4 – Mind your manners.

Never address a main character. Most main characters are on a power trip and would just as soon kill you as they would look at you. If someone bumps into you or verbally abuses you .......just leave it. Don’t respond with insults, don’t tell them how unattractive they are, and don’t remind them that their mother is a notorious whore. Keep your head down, your mouth shut, don’t make eye contact and try to wear neutral colours.


This will not end well.....

Tip #5 – Stalk the heroes.

Just.....follow them around. They’re never in the town when it gets destroyed. A good choice is to become a merchant or blacksmith, if possible a travelling merchant or blacksmith would be ideal. This way you can follow the heroes around on their adventures and stay out of danger. As long as you provide a useful service you won’t die no matter how much you annoy the piss out of them.... and if you wait outside a boss fight you can charge as much as you like.


You can’t put a price on life.

Tip#6 – If possible, get large breasts.

I know it’s sexist and juvenile, but this is about survival. And unfortunately this is a key survival tactic for female NPCs. Having large breasts will prevent bad guys from killing you, the downside being that they will kidnap you instead. It also motivates the hero to rescue you, again the downside being that they will expect something in return (but you’re classier than that). It’s insulting and stupid but sadly effective. Why do you think Aries died and Tifa lived?


I know your rolling your eyes but trust me..... they’re life savers.

And there you have it, your key to survival. Make them your bible, your code, your creed and there’s a chance you might live for more than five minutes.So..... any more advice? Did I miss anything? What would you do to survive the NPC life? Let me know in the comments.