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Handy avatar 12:37 PM on 03.14.2012  (server time)
The Boy Who Cried Wolf.

Once upon a time there was a little shepherd boy who looked after the sheep of a village, the boy loved spending time with the sheep, you see these were special interactive sheep, he much preferred them over the other the other, more passive forms of farm animal. Cows had really gone downhill lately and he wasn’t that into reading chickens, no, playing with the interactive sheep was where the boys passion laid.

Yes, it’s going to be one of those awful metaphor blogs.

But one day he thought he noticed something amiss with one sheep, “WOLF! WOLF!” he cried, rallying the entire village up the hill to his aid, “What’s wrong?” one villager asked, pitchfork in hand, “This sheep has a gay option!” the boy said while pausing for a moment, waiting for gasps of horror. As the villagers retired back down the hill the boy was left furious and confused, how could the sheep ask if he was gay? How dare it! But the boy didn’t have time to think, there was more trouble afoot.

“WOLF, WOLF” he screamed. The villagers ran back to up the hill, perhaps the boy was mistaken the first time. “Remember when the farmer cancelled that Mega Man Sheep? Well now this other sheep has Bad Boxart Mega Man in it! Clearly the farmer is trying to personally insult me!” The boy watched the villagers stroll back home, he couldn’t understand it, why wasn’t everybody else furious? Did they not love interactive sheep as much as him? Why weren’t they livid at the farmer who provided them with all their meat, veg, and dairy over this convoluted and veiled insult?

Again and again the boy would assemble the village, “This sheep’s eyes are too green!” “This sheep’s ending didn’t satisfy my personal expectations!” “This sheep got 8 out of 10 from the Annual Meat and Livestock Review Association!” ”This Fem-sheep is blonde!”. He tried everything to get their attention, he would start petitions, claim to boycott the farmer, at one point he gave money to Olaf, the poorest man in the village, and said “Look everybody! I’m nice, now let’s Retake Baaas Effect! Change the ending!”

Then one day the boy noticed something, sheep were starting to come out with online passes, one sheep had enough wool for an extra twelve jumpers but the farmer was holding them back so he could charge for them later and make the fall line look more appealing, another had day one DLC that added a huge amount of context to the story but it was clearly cut out so they could charge for it, all sorts of genuinely dirty business farming practices were going down. The boy cried “WOLF!” as loud as he could. But nobody came.

“Ugh, there he is, moaning about some trivial bollocks again” thought the villagers.

“That little shit complains no matter what I do, why should why should I listen to this one?” thought the farmer.

“He’ll buy me anyway” thought the sheep, who was apparently sentient now.

Do you know why the woodcutter came to help Little Red Riding Hood? Because she didn’t accuse every old lady she met of being a wolf.

I warned you it’d be one of those awful metaphor blogs.

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