I hate my job. Hard work, long hours, low wages and bad company. But this is the life I chose.... the life of a Mini–boss.

The other day a friend asked me “So what exactly do you guys do?” it was then I noticed how hard it is to put it into words. I pondered his question for a moment and decided on an answer “Well, basically we just wait around for a protagonist, then they beat us up and we have the rest of the day off.” As the words left my mouth I realised how stupid it all sounded. “Tell me about some famous Mini–bosses.” He asked. “.....There isn’t any.” I replied....... I went home early that night.

I lay in bed, starring at the ceiling trying to remember how I got into this business. Ever since I was a child I wanted to be a boss. Not a final boss, no, too much responsibility, but more like a right hand man or the fan favourite kind of boss. As a teen my bedroom wall was littered with posters of the Turks and Psycho Mantis. “Now they had class” I thought to myself. “But me, what do I do..... I’m just a Mini–boss.”.......... I didn’t get much sleep that night.


The highlight of my career.

I remember my first day on the job. I was just a henchman then but I was so excited. I waited at my guard area for what felt like hours, unable to sit still. Then I got my first look at one. A protagonist. It was like he came out of nowhere, within seconds most of my team was on the floor. I charged at him head first and hit him with one of my two attack moves, but I was down before I knew it. After a couple of years one of the higher ups said he recognised my potential and I was promoted to Mini–boss. I was happy...... I thought I was on the way up.

A few months in and I was loving it. More responsibility, more action .........more attack moves. Then it happened. I beat one, I beat a protagonist. I was triumphant, thrilled with myself, I couldn’t wipe the grin off my face. Surely this was it, the promotion to boss wouldn’t be far off now, I’d need a new outfit, maybe a theme, I wondered if my polygon count would go up. Then everything went black. When I came round I was back at the start of the fight, both of us had full health bars. The bastard had hit “retry”.


We took this at the Christmas party. Ocelot would talk the ear off you if you let him.

I had pushed it to the back of my mind but that was the day I started to comprehend how pointless my job is. We’re a dying breed, a relic of the retro age. Half the time the only thing that distinguishes me from my own grunts is that I’m a little bigger, or sometimes a different colour. I thought I had the makings of a boss but the damn executives limit me to like 5 moves and a health bar that’s only slightly larger than normal. I’m an obstacle at best and a nuisance at worst. There’s no place for us in the industry anymore.

But what else can I do? I’m to unique to be a NPC, I don’t have the connections to be a support team character and I don’t have the patience to be a Summon. I hate my job, but this is the life I chose.... the life of a Mini–boss.