Lost? Lonely? Looking for Love?

You know, sometimes when you’re feeling low nothing helps more than laughing at people who are worse off than you. Indulging yourself in a little schadenfreude now and then is good for the soul, at least that’s what my teacher used to say before he shot the principal, and there’s no better place to look for people to look down upon then in the personal ads section of your local newspaper. But when perusing the personals looking for a bit of a confidence boost last week I came across a few people who sounded........familiar.


Well built Greek widower with anger
issues seeks random women to have QTE sex with
in-between vicious bouts of murdering deities. Willing
to do so in exchange for large amounts of red orbs.


Military girl looking for fun and good times over
sandwiches. Attractive, slim physique, and for some
reason suddenly blond. Could you be the master
of unlocking my heart?


Fifty something year old who looks like an eighty
something year old seeking normal girl to live
out the rest of my life with peacefully. No giant
robots, no government conspiracies . Just love and cardboard boxes.


Totally radical blue hedgehog willing to perform odd
jobs in order make ends meet. Thievery, murder, becoming
a werewolf, nothing is out of the question if the price is right.
Unenthusiastic but not entirely opposed to performing sexual acts.


Single, adventurous, gorgeous millionaire with hourglass figure
seeking love and companionship in my giant mansion.
No......seriously it’s true.....I raid tombs......it’s not
a scam........I’m real!.....WHY DOES NOBODY BELIEVE ME!?


Middle aged plumber looking to settle down
in a consistent, committed relationship. Cock
teasing drama queens who use kidnapping
as emotional blackmail need not apply.


Taller, handsomer middle aged plumber
looking for princess Daisy. I thought we kind of
had a thing going on but I haven’t seen you since
the last Mario Kart. Where’d that girl get to?


Confederate general seeking revenge through
raping Native American women tied to a cactus
while dodging a hail of arrows. (I hope no one
ever makes a game about this)


Thirty something year old father searching for
son. Last seen wearing green and carrying a red balloon,
speaks in a French accent despite being born and
raised in America. Goes by the name of JASON!


Help wanted: little girls age six – ten years
old needed to help clean up the community by collecting
genetic material. Parents need not accompany their
child, they will be under adult supervision at all times.


Silent protagonist seeking friendship and maybe romance
in new town. Basically all you have to do is complain about
your life to me during the afternoons. This has nothing to do
with me summoning mythological figures born from the human psyche.


Demon hunter looking for healthy relationship
with someone who doesn’t look exactly like
my mother. Trying to work through my fear of people
due to most of them impaling the first time we meet.


Bulky space marine seeks sexual relations
with a WOMAN because I’m STRAIGHT
and I like WOMEN! I’m not trying to prove
anything to anybody...


Elderly yoga master looking for anonymous fun
with girls from all over the world. Able to stretch
any part of my body to enormous lengths. Any part
of my body ladies....


Now, you may be wondering why a bunch people from various time periods and places all over the world, some of which are fictional, are posting personal ads in a local Irish newspaper. Well I don’t know either, because I didn’t really think this blog through. Quite frankly halfway through I started to think it was a horrible idea, compounded by writers block and the fact that it’s kinda hard to write these things when most characters already have love interests. So why not open up the floor? Write a personal ad for your favourite game character and you could win a faaaaaabulous prize!

(The fabulous prize is my respect, not something you actually want)


P.S. While I’m involved in the Destructoid community I don’t feel like I’m very involved in the Destructoid community, sure I don’t know any of you outside of the comment section. So PM me or send me a friend request (PSN: Handy2), I’m thinking about picking up MAG and playing with three hundred strangers doesn’t sound very fun.

P.P.S. Given the context of this blog, the above paragraph might make it sound like I’m searching for anonymous sex with Dtoiders. I assure you that this is only half true.