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Handy's blog

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Handy avatar 3:04 PM on 09.19.2012  (server time)
I Gots Dibs on Gaige, yo.

Some people might think it’s stupid to stake a claim on a character we know next to nothing about and won’t get to use for a month, but I consider it prudent, because Gaige is most definitely the best character by far, so good Gearbox decided they could get filthy rich be releasing her as DLC, and by invoking the right of dibs I retain sole use of her until further notice.

“But Handy” I hear you ask, “stop doing push ups and tell us why she’s so great!”. Well...99...if you...100...insist.

She has sex with robots probably.

I’m assuming that’s what a Mechromancer does, romances mechs. Gaige can’t be satisfied by a mere human, to fulfil her insatiable appetite it takes pistons and gears and motors and chassis and a complicated system of pulleys and a lot of motor oil, and that is something we have in common.

She has a robot arm.

Not only does it make all reload animations 37% cooler but there’s a harrowing tale behind the mechanical limb that fills out Gaige’s inspiring backstory. Gaige lost her arm in a tragic accident that may or may not have involved robot-sex, but instead of overcoming her disability like those pussys at the Paralympics she built herself a robot arm, but the robot arm was too well built. Every time Gaige tried to take a drink or pick up the phone it would shatter in her mighty hand, and she would scream to the heavens, no longer able to finish her Dr. Pepper. Cursed by her own genius and unable to hold down her job as a handshake envoy to the germaphobic she moved to Pandora to escape people drawing parallels between her and Dr. Claw from Inspector Gadget. All of this is cannon, Anthony Burch told me.

She has a big fuck-off robot.

Axton has a turret, which is almost like a robot but much, much lamer, Maya need to ask enemies to be polite and hold still so she can shoot them, the only advantage to Zer0’s ability is that we don’t have to look at his stupid non-face, and Salvador needs to work himself into a frenzy to use both hands for some reason. Gaige, on the other robotic hand, need only call on her faithful friend D374-TP, or Deathtrap, to decimate the hoards of Pandora. Who needs co-op partners when you have a robot buddy to take on the wastes with you. Not Gaige, that’s who.

She’s a strong female role model

Unlike that trollop Maya, Gaige is a true shining beacon for women in gaming. While Maya pretends to be strong and confident in herself, her looks betray her attitude, only wearing a swimsuit and pants, making sure to pull them down just enough on one side so we all know it, with her glowing blue tramp-stamp and lipstick that belongs in a B-movie vision of the future where people add the prefix “cyber-“ to everything.

But Gaige likes to keep it casual, a simple skirt and hoodie, she doesn’t even care about that plaster on her face, maybe she’ll take down Handsom Jack’s empire, maybe she’ll laze around the house on Sunday, who knows. Topping it off with informal twin tails and thigh-high stripped stockings, not because they’re sexy, but because they remind her of her favourite movie – Beetlejuice. Again, all cannon. Ask Anthony Burch if you don’t believe me.

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