Welcome to the blog.... you must be bored. anyway im Handy, I'm a student in Ireland and I'm here to talk about whatever may come into my mind....so not much then.
Lets see... I’ve been playing games pretty much my whole life, since my Commodore back in the day to my ps3 now I’ve been hooked. Actually come to think of it I can’t remember a time I wasn’t playing games. Can’t say I have a favourite genre, I like to try a bit of everything, though I will go to town on a good RPG. I’ll have something to fill in this space as soon as my life becomes interesting.
^^^ Seriously, I wrote that like four years ago and still nothing interesting has happened.
Like everyone else on Destructoid I’m at a loss on what to fill this space with so I guess I’ll just catalogue my greatest hits, if you can call a loose collection of lists and borderline pornographic fanart “greatest hits”.
Listmania – Because liking something isn’t as important as liking it in the correct order.
A rather specific topic for a list blog no? But it’s come to my attention that a certain type of woman repeatedly appears in games lately. Right alongside the women that only exist to be saved, the ones who are just walking plot devices, or the token woman who’s just there for the sake of being there. There’s now a new breed of female character pushing female empowerment forward just like the Pussycat Dolls did in all those songs where they acted like strippers.
I am of course talking about slinky women who turn invisible and have huge asses, obviously. But why has this character type had a surge of appearances recently?
Has our ongoing quest for equality led us to including more action oriented women?
Is it because men better fit the role of the big, head on characters?
Is it perhaps hardwired sexism in our culture that women can only be powerful by being sneaky and
Do big asses sell more copies?
These are the important questions we’ve set out to answer here. So join me on a journey of subterfuge, female empowerment, stealth, and lot’s of wiggly slow motion walking. Alyx Vance? A positive female role model in gaming? Pshhh, she has a normal sized ass and doesn’t even turn invisible! Idiot!
Lilith – Borderlands
Borderlands’ Siren class character is Lilith, with the “Phasewalk” ability to turn invisible and filling the whole fragile speedster niche quite well. She’s kind of hard to write about because she, like the rest of Borderlands, has little personality or story after the game’s intro cutscene. But hey, now that Anthony Burch is writing Borderlands 2 maybe we can look forward to a little more, well......more, next time around.
Lilith’s shapely Badonkadonk is probably the result of the games characture-esc art style more than anything else.
Isabella – Dragon Age 2
Isabella is a companion in Dragon Age 2, she has the stealth ability which lets her become invisible for a short time during combat. Many people disliked Isabella due to her constant sex jokes and inability to not make dick puns while talking about ships, or anything, at all, ever.
Some may say that she uses her sexuality to her advantage but it’s more accurate to say she uses her sexuality for everything, and that eventually sometimes includes her advantage by default, and it always includes our annoyance. You know when you say something like “I’ll get a drink” and then there’s that guy who always has to say “I’d get her drink!”? That guy is Isabella.
Isabella has a voluptuous figure, leading to her large Stankawowbang, worn under a short corset with a high slit, teasingly covered by an elegant shawl, and accompanied by thigh stripper/pirate boots.
X-23 – Marvel vs. Capcom
I swear this is the closest thing to an ass picture I could find.
X–23 has a supermove where she turns invisible, she’s also a woman with an ass, so she qualifies for this list and there’s nothing you can do about it. So there. I don’t know much about comics, X-23 is like female Wolverine or something I think. She’s yet another fast but weak character, you should get used to seeing that in this blog. I probably should have done more research but hey, you didn’t see all the time I spent scouring the internet for all these ass pictures, it took me literally minutes.
X-23 keeps it simple with tight leather pants to accentuate her more athletic Donkalaboomboom.
Kasumi – Mass Effect 2
Kasumi is a DLC character for Mass Effect 2, she can cloak then appear behind enemies and punch them in the face with her omni-tool because she is awesome. She isn’t romancable which is the greatest injustice know to man because she is the best, most fun character to be around. She’s basically Yuffie – in space. A master thief who cracks jokes, has fun, and laughs like Nelson from the Simpsons when she kills people.
If she is not a companion and romancable in Mass Effect 3 will throw a hissy fit of biblical proportions, there will be useless online petitions! In a perfect world, Thane will be one of the gay options and live long enough for a threesome. Morden can watch too if he wants I guess.
Kasumi wears an enticing space age one-piece that highlights her curves and Bowchicanastydonk in a very understated and classy way.
Joanna Dark – Perfect Dark
*Hands in the air* I haven’t played Perfect Dark, but there’s a cloaking device in it and Joanna Dark is all about the slinking and the assing so here we are. Honestly don’t know anything about her, she just fits the character type I’m writing about here. What do want from me? I’m writing this at like 2am! Don’t sleep in late and then eat loads of sugar and caffeine, that’s the lesson of this entry kids.
Joanna wears a catsuit that leaves very little of her Bangawhutwhuthollaaaaaaaa to our imagination.
Bayonetta – That game what has her name on it
Bayonetta has, quite possibly, the biggest ass in this list, she’s also the most powerful women on this list. Coincidence? She also turns invisible when she does that whole jumping into another plane of existence thing that was very poorly explained in the game.
Bayonetta is very hard to approach from a feminism perspective, on one hand she always doing sexy poses, but on the other she’s just doing it for herself, or is she doing it for the male player, but it’s so silly and over the top, but she literally gets more naked the stronger your attacks are, but she was designed by a woman, but she was designed by what a woman thinks men want, but then shaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHjnjrsnbryfnyrklbrkhmgnbjgkf
*ahem* Bayonetta wears a skin-tight backless one piece and gun stilettos all of which exaggerate her already ludicrous Bizwigglebonbons.
That invisible lady with the big ass in the trailer - Deus Ex: Human Revolution
In the latest trailer for Deus Ex we caught glimpses of a villain with stealth camouflage abilities, she also had a slinky walk and a big ass. The thing about Deus Ex is that robotic augmentation has become widespread, and so this woman seems to have gaming’s first robotic ass.
There really isn’t much to say about her so far, she looks to be part of a trio of antagonists, your usual big slow guy, sexy fast lady, somewhere in-between leader group. There is literally nothing else to say about her, I dunno..............she’ll probably be a bitch.
She wears...um....nothing, I think, at least on the bottom, I think we might be getting some full on Robobulumpcious up in this piece yo.
Naya Deveraux – Overstrike
No ass pictures exist......yet. I’m sure you’re devastated.
Overstrike is a recently announced four player co-op game from Insomniac. All we’ve had is a cinematic trailer so far and we know literally nothing about Naya Deveraux, except one thing, and if you can’t guess that by now I have serious concerns about your mental faculties. She probably has the smallest ass on the list but it’s still more……..shapely than most, she’s not gonna be wearing cargo pants is what I’m saying. She also has a beehive, which puts her in the ranks of such wonderful human beings as Amy Winehouse and Snooki and those evil women in the 50’s who had beehives. Hitler’s wife probably had one. Anyway since I can’t write another entry about a character I know nothing of I’ve decided to just fill the next paragraph with information about Crash Bandicoot. Most of you probably aren’t even reading this nonsense by this point anyway.
Crash Bandicoot, or simply Crash, is a video game character and the primary protagonist of the Crash Bandicoot series of video games. Introduced in the 1996 video game Crash Bandicoot, Crash is an Eastern Barred Bandicoot that was genetically enhanced by the series antagonist Doctor Neo Cortex and was soon banished from Cortex's castle for his perceived unworthiness. Throughout the series, Crash acts as the opposition against Cortex and his schemes for world domination. Crash has an extremely limited vocabulary, preferring to speak in unintelligible gibberish; the few English words he is capable of speaking include “Whoa!”, “Nina” and “pancakes”.
Crash wears blue jeans which tightly hug his fine, red fuzzed Boomshawokdizzle, he also wears sneakers and fingerless gloves , making him the dumbest mascot character ever.
And there we have it. Gamings greatest slinky invisible women with huge asses.