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Handy avatar 7:48 AM on 05.24.2010  (server time)
Gaming’s worst legal guardians.

Legal guardians in games are a funny thing, they usually come in one of two varieties – #1 they’re dead or #2 they’re complete list of gaming’s deadest parents was kind of depressing so I did this instead. You might be wondering why this is about legal guardians instead of just parents, well most video game parents end up as the first variety (probably so the main character can go seeking revenge) or their revealed as a “surprise” boss, so many game characters end up raising themselves, going into foster care, or never talking about their past.

Just think about it, how many NCP children have you orphaned in your time? Sure they were hired tugs, brutal murderers, or non-specific Middle Eastern terrorists but some of them were bound to have kids. It all leads me to believe that Videogameland is a place where everybody is getting laid, but they’re too busy being mercenaries or racist stereotypes to take responsibility for their children, leading to a constant turnover of life and death where many children are left to fend for themselves. But all things considered they’re the lucky ones compared to the kids who are raised by their parents, next of kin, or legal guardians.


Much more awesome than Tidus.

Jecht somehow manages to be dead, a boss, and a complete dick all at the same time, and a spectacular dick at that. In one flashback we see him teaching his son how to play blitzball, instead of a heart-warming scene of a father imparting wisdom on his son, we instead get Jecht showing off, doing impossibly complicated moves, all the while smugly telling a child “You suck!” “Ya little cry-baby!” “You’ll never be as good as me!”. It’s no wonder Tidus turned out to be such a whiny attention seeker.

The real reason Jecht makes this list tough is because all his verbal abuse left us with one of the most emotionally needy whingers ever as our protagonist. Maybe I’m just bitter because I felt like the game would have been much better if Jecht was the main character. As much of an asshole as he was, I still think it would have been more fun to follow his story as the alcoholic has-been sports star as he gradually betters himself and realises what a dick he’s been rather than his spoilt brat of a son dealing with his daddy issues.

Ethan Mars.

On top of everything else here he also takes his kid to the creepiest playground ever.

Most people who make this list will do so because they’re dangerous, cruel or don’t have their children’s best interests in mind. Ethan Mars is here because he just plain did a bad job raising his kids. Anybody who’s seen the mall scene in Heavy Rain know what I’m talking about here, literally five second after being told to stay put the child runs of on his dad, Ethan Mars (responsible parent that he is) springs into action by wandering around slowly shouting “JASON...JASON........JASON”. When he finally finds his son he tells him not to run off like that, Jason responds by saying “buy me a balloon!” Ethan Mars (strict parent that he is) rewards his son’s bad behaviour by buying him what he wants. While he’s paying for the balloon Jason runs off again and this time wanders into a huge crowd. Ethan Mars (intelligent parent that he is) tries to navigate the crowd instead of going to the information desk and having them call his son over the intercom or something. Ethan finds his son trying to cross the road on his own and ends up diving between a car and his son and the latter gets killed.

This is the kind of little shit that ends up on Super Nanny. Not only has he not been taught how to behave in public, but his dad can’t handle the situation at all. And I’m pretty sure that rugby tackle is what killed the kid, not the car driving at ten miles per hour that hit the brakes well before it hit anyone.

Anyone in Metal Gear.

Take your pick, they’re all pretty bad at this.

Where do I start with this shower!? First there’s Big Boss who raised Snake without telling him he’s his father/clone, keeping Liquid and Solidus secret from him while raising Liquid, constantly telling him he’s the inferior clone. Then there’s Otacon whose stepmother was busy seducing him while his dad tried to drown himself and his step daughter. There’s Meryl whose father is her uncle. There’s Ocelot whose mother is The Boss though nobody knows it. There’s Solidus who killed Raiden’s parents, adopted him, and sent him off to be a Lebanese child solder. And there’s Snake and Otacon who are raising Sunny and have never let her live outside a plane in her entire life. And many, many more that I can’t call off the top of my head.

The Big Daddy.

Actually they don’t seem too bad now...

To be fair the Big Daddy fulfils his duty as a guardian pretty well, that’s more than I can say for most people on this list. Even if they aren’t so great with the “legal” part at least they do a decent job of protecting the Little Sisters, very few people can stand up to them and they’ll always give their lives in their role as protector. And the Little Sisters themselves seem quite happy with the setup too, they’re always singing and skipping and have a lot of fun collecting ADAM. The Big Daddy isn’t a good parental figure by any means but he’s here for reference more than anything else, just to put things into perspective Big Daddies are the best legal guardian in this list and they’re giant lumbering monstrosities with whale voices and drills for hands!

The King of All Cosmos.

Most people brush off the Katamari games as more obscure Japanese weirdness, but what they don’t understand is that Katamari games are ART! You see, if the katamari is a metaphor for consumerism in that it rolls up things to get bigger but only for the purpose or rolling up more things, then surely The King of All Cosmos represents today’s teen parents. Getting drunk and knocking all the stars out of the sky represents how one night of carelessness can result in serious consequences, making the Prince fix his problem shows how they can force their children to pay for their mistakes, and his record scratching voice symbolises how many teen fathers still believe they can make it big as a DJ.

Ryotaro Dojima.

You should really read the rest of hiimdaisy’s comic.

Dojima’s not such a bad guy, he’s a single father trying to get by on his own while working his job as a detective, unfortunately this means his daughter Nanako is left to take care of everything herself, this includes the shopping, cleaning, clothes washing, and cooking amongst other things.....did I mention she’s about six years old? In the year you spend with him you’ll see him stay late at work countless times, break promises to go on trips, bring his police partner home for dinner to get drunk and of course come home completely smashed with said partner. The guy’s already dropping the ball dad-wise and now he’s got to take care of his nephew too, he’s got enough on his plate without the main characters parents unloading their kid off on someone else. Speaking of which.........

The main characters parents.

We don’t know what they look like so here’s more Dojima!

What the hell guys!? It’s been a year and you haven’t given your son so much as a phone call! What the fuck are you Japanese spies or something!? It’s bad enough that you send him from town to town on a regular basis, never letting him make many friends for long, but now you’re gonna stick him with his uncle who can’t take care of himself without the help of a six year old!? Actually, I think they died within the first week of the game but Dojima thought that with going to a new school and the murders in town and everything else going on he should probably hold off on breaking the news just yet.......then maybe he got drunk and forgot or something, which just further solidifies his place on this list!

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