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Handy avatar 2:44 PM on 04.21.2010
Gaming DIY.
At one point or another we’ve all done it, we’ve all sat there playing a game thinking “wow, I wish I could do that.” Well now with the Gaming DIY program you can! With our exclusive program you can recreate your favourite characters, moves and moments from any game and all at minimal cost. Why spend thousands on a Buster sword replica when you can just cut a sheet of plywood into the right shape and stick it to a broom handle? Do you really want to waste all your money on that Solid Snake costume when you could crawl around in a box instead?(And nobody will roll their eyes or say it’s unoriginal either....)

With our help you can turn everyday objects into the tools of imagination and live out your gaming dreams to your heart’s content, just follow our easy to understand instructions and follow our hi-tech illustrated guide and you too can become the protagonist of your own life......does that make sense? Yeah. Yeah that makes sense.
(Disclaimer: For the love of Christ don’t actually do any of these, if you do neither Handy nor Handy Inc. will be held responsible for any injury, death, humiliation, legal action, or erectile dysfunction that you may encounter as a result of your own stupidity.)

Street Fighter.

Remember the first time you played Street Fighter? Remember when you saw uppercuts that were so uppercuty that they set the players fist on fire? Remember the first fight you got in after playing that game when you tried to do a shoryuken and looked like a fool and then got the crap beaten out of you...? Well now is the time for revenge! Simply cut the arms off of a bathrobe, wear a pair of matching pyjama bottoms and your all set. But what’s the point if you can’t do a shroyuken? All it takes is a can of deodorant and an open flame, just spray the deodorant all over your fist and ignite it while making the appropriate motion, for maximum effect be sure to shout SHROYUUUUUKEN!!!! You can get a pretty badass yoga flame going too but you might have to lose some weight first.




God of War.

Man, Kratos is so cool, I wish I could swing blades on chains around and kill anything within a three foot radius of me. Well with gaming DIY we can turn you into an ancient Greek human blender too! First you have to look the part. Luckily Kratos’ outfit consists of a rag and sandals so it’s not too hard to recreate. I’ve found that tearing down the curtains and cutting them up makes the best substitute for his skirt....thing, then just slap on a pair of sandals and get a friend to help you paint the red swirly design on your body and you’re half way there. But what’s Kratos without graphic violence and his swingy bladey things? Just go to your kitchen and grab the two biggest cutting utensils you can find, tie a piece of string around the handles, then wrap them around your forearms and you’re all set. Be sure to give yourself lots of room before letting rip for three very important reasons.

1. Depending on how much string you use, the blades can have a very wide radius.
2. The string can and probably will snap, sending the blade flying across the room.
3. Your girlfriend will look ridiculous with an eye patch (trust me).




Grand Theft Auto.

Be a teenager and commit a crime. Your lawyer will take care of the rest.




Bioshock 2.

Ah the Big Daddy......feared......loved.....iconic. What would it be like to walk around in this enigmatic creature’s hefty boots? You can find out with our advice. Now, 1940s style diving gear is hard to come by these days, so if you don’t have any lying around keep in mind that a modern diving suit can be just as effective. Again, the diving helmets aren’t exactly an everyday item either but a snorkel can give you that enclosed feeling and fishbowl effect just as well. But what’s the first thing that comes to mind when you think of a Big Daddy’s equipment? That’s right the drill. Handheld foot long industrial drills are expensive and this guide is all about saving your money so go to your shed and dust off that cordless one instead. And there you have it, you’re ready to abduct some children and have them harvest genetic material from dead bodies.




Shadow of the Colossus.

There’s only one way to prove how far you’ll go for the women you love and that’s to copy a videogame and stab a large but innocent animal to death as a symbol of your love. Due to Team Ico’s games taking place in a unique culture and world their clothes are hard to emulate, but I’ve found that you can make a pretty good version of the ponchos by getting the longest, thinnest towel you can find, then fold it in half and cut out a semicircle. When you unfold it you’ve got the perfect head hole for your new poncho, then all you need is a hair band and something to stab with and the process is complete. Next you’ll need an animal big enough to play the role of a colossus, the zoo is host to many large and exotic creatures perfect for the job, elephants and giraffes are a good bet but stay away from the hippos...those things will seriously fuck your shit up. It’s also a good idea to bring a ladder as climbing these things can be difficult, also expect to see a lawsuit and a lot of crying children on the day.




And that’s how with just a few household objects and a little imagination you can make your favourite games a reality. Just remember to have fun, be careful and that most of this stuff can get you arrested or killed. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to play the most exciting game of all......life.

WOOOOSH!!!

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