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Game lessons that don’t work in real life.
Handy | 12:44 PM on 10.19.2009 20 comments


Like many of you I’ve been playing games from a very young age. Throughout that time I picked up many values, morals, and methods that I’ve tried to apply to my everyday life. A lot of them......don’t work. So for both your education and entertainment I have compiled a list of reoccurring game mechanics and ideals that you should never employ in real life.

#1 – You can’t jump on all your problems.

Some of the first games I played were classics like Sonic and Mario Bros, games where all obstacles or problems are overcome by one thing..... jumping on them. Playing them at such a young age instilled this principal into my little mind until I learned how useless it is a while ago in college. We were asked to write 1500 words on the Hawthorne experiments, at first I panicked but then I remembered what games had thought me........ the lecturer was not impressed when I handed him a sheet of paper with a shoeprint on it.


This is not productive.

When does it work? – When your bin is full.

#2 – Nobody likes a silent protagonist.

Silent protagonists. They’ve got it all. They save the world, they go on adventures, they get the girl (or guy) in the end, and they do it all without having to talk to anyone. I admired this lifestyle and set out to make it my own. I can tell you now that it’s quite hard to get by in life while not talking to anyone. Nobody’s going to think you’re the strong silent type, they’ll think you’re creepy raper type. Honestly, try getting the girl (or guy) without talking. You’ll be arrested.


Hey Gordon. Say nothing if I’m awesome..... Aww thanks.

When does it work? – When you talk to the deaf.

#3 – Time does not heal all wounds.

A staple of the FPS genre, healing yourself by staying still and not being shot for a while has been a lifesaver in many games. It is very important you remember that this doesn’t work in real life. One day in town certain events led to me splitting my head open, worried civilians crowded around me, possibly worried about my severe blood loss. “Don’t worry about it.” I said as I crouched behind the nearest wall “I’ll be fine in a minute.” That’s all I remember before I fainted.....


This is not a substitute for medical attention.

When does it work? – When the wounds are emotional.

#4 – Free running is hard.

Free running is the hot shit in gaming these days. Why spend time and resources programming a driving system when you can just make the hero jump across the city. Prototype, Infamous, Assassins Creed, Mirrors Edge, all of them make it look like a piece of piss. I can assure you it is not. Remember that story about me splitting my head open......yeah, guess how that happened.


Turns out this is hard to do.

When does it work? – If sliding down the banister counts as free running.

#5 – Stealth is not as easy as it looks.

Most games would have you believe stealth involves nothing more than keeping your back to the wall and sometimes crouching over a bit. Real stealth involves years of training, dedication and sometimes crouching over a bit. Even Metal Gear, the game that does stealth right, can’t be applied to real life. In my experience walking around in a cardboard box is much more likely to get you seen, although you will get a few of those question mark things.


Years of practice.

When does it work? – If you hide in a bush, dressed as a bush, in a field of bushes...... then it’s pretty easy.

#6 – Real fights aren’t turn based.

I learned this one the hard way. One night outside a pub I was confronted by a man who clearly had too much to drink. He accused me of robbing his phone and demanded that we fight. Of course at this time I was still trying out the whole silent protagonist thing so I couldn’t tell him that he was wrong. He punched me in the face, then he punched me again. “Oww, what the fuck, it’s my turn!” I said breaking my vow of silence. He continued to hit me as I curled into a ball on the floor, wondering when my turn would come. With every kick and punch I felt myself get angrier and angrier. Now, anyone who’s ever played an RPG knows what this anger meant. I got to my feet and at the top of my voice screamed “LIMIT BREAAAAAK” and then kicked him in the crotch. I didn’t get any experience points either because I ran away.


Notice how they don’t wait for a bar to fill before they punch.

When does it work? – When you’re Brad Nicholson and you go first.

So there you have it. What about you? Have you found something in games worth living by? Let me know in the comments. As for me, I’m going to keep searching. I know that somewhere out there is a game that I can apply to my life. Next on the list is something called Manhunt 2, I wonder what that’s like.......



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19 comments | showing # 1 to 19

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CelicaCrazed's Destructoid Blog
Haha great article!! Fapped!!

My choice: Restarting
Have a midterm this afternoon and haven't started studying yet?? Just restart to a day ago!! *waits for something to happen* Uh, I said just restart!! Restart!! Come on, why won't you restart!? Abra kadabra?? RESTART GODDAMMIT!! Please?? Oh fuuuuuuck no T_T

When does it work? - "Baby, just calm down. Don't worry, I know this guy who knows this doctor who performs abortions. It'll all be fine."
Zodiac Eclipse's Destructoid Blog
Great write-up! I've tried the silent protagonist thing too and as you've said it just doesn't work. I even tried to make it easier for other people and reply with such gems as "..." and would you believe they still thought I was a jerk?

What do you mean you would? Hey, "..." you pal.
walkyourpath's Destructoid Blog
Really fun post!

FAP.
Andrew Kauz's Destructoid Blog
Wow, nearly all of these things are mechanics that I'm really starting to tire of. Wow, apparently I'm a whore for realism!
Andrew Kauz's Destructoid Blog
Wow, apparently I like the word wow. I should pay attention when I'm commenting.
Elsa's Destructoid Blog
Awesome fun blog!
... though I think that the romance in Baldur's Gate 2 might actually work in real life... a guy that follows me around constantly assuring me of his affection for me, he'll fight by my side, never leave me... and best yet, if I get bored of him, I can kick him out of the party and he leaves without a fuss and doesn't even want half my stuff!! :)
manasteel88's Destructoid Blog
I laughed hard at the limit break nutshot.
Holyetheline's Destructoid Blog
This was thoughtful. I liked it. haha
Timmeh's Destructoid Blog
This was some funny reading, good stuff!
Anonymouse's Destructoid Blog
This was a great blog. I fapped. :)

@kauza

You should say "HOLY SHIT" more often.
BulletMagnet's Destructoid Blog
Surprised that "you can change direction while jumping" and "eating stuff off the ground = healing" didn't make the list, but still.
mike1146l's Destructoid Blog
I LOVE THE LAST ONE LOL. He punched me in the face, then he punched me again. “Oww, what the fuck, it’s my turn! I got to my feet and at the top of my voice screamed “LIMIT BREAAAAAK” and then kicked him in the crotch!
adultswim810's Destructoid Blog
i have never not been found in a box in metal gear.
Scary Womanizing Pig Mask's Destructoid Blog
Hilarious! You should try submitting this to Cracked; it seems like a perfect fir.
ace of knaves's Destructoid Blog
Loved the last appropriate scenario. Because it's true.
Palidi's Destructoid Blog
Fuu, hit the wrong button.

Anyhow, here's another one: Guns are as easy as point and shoot.

Real guns have things like recoil(and thus, kickback), a spray area, and weight. Just pointing and shooting any old gun like any other gun may result in something like this happening.

When It Does Work: Laser Tag and Water Guns.
Blasto's Destructoid Blog
Really funny blog man, #6 cracked me up especially. I'd give you a fap, but I'm on my Wii and I can't fap with it.

...don't judge me, I'm no less of a man.
Handy's Destructoid Blog
Thanks a lot for the support everyone. Really appreciate the faps!


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 about me

Welcome to the blog.... you must be bored. anyway im Handy, I'm a student in Ireland and I'm here to talk about whatever comes into my mind....so dont expect a lot.

Lets see... I’ve been playing games pretty much my whole life, since my Commodore back in the day to my ps3 now I’ve been hooked. Actually come to think of it I can’t remember a time I wasn’t playing games. Can’t say I have a favourite genre, I like to try a bit of everything, though I will go to town on a good RPG

Games that I love:

The Devil May Cry series.

The Metal Gear series.

The Final Fantasy series.

Persona 4.

Valkyria Chronicles. (Best game EVER!)



Currently Playing:

Borderlands.

Ratchet and Clank.

TEKKEN 6.

Modern Warfare 2.

Bayonetta.

Disgaea 3 (This game is a fucking time vampire!)





I just love this.

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