Like many of you I’ve been playing games from a very young age. Throughout that time I picked up many values, morals, and methods that I’ve tried to apply to my everyday life. A lot of them......don’t work. So for both your education and entertainment I have compiled a list of reoccurring game mechanics and ideals that you should never employ in real life.

#1 – You can’t jump on all your problems.

Some of the first games I played were classics like Sonic and Mario Bros, games where all obstacles or problems are overcome by one thing..... jumping on them. Playing them at such a young age instilled this principal into my little mind until I learned how useless it is a while ago in college. We were asked to write 1500 words on the Hawthorne experiments, at first I panicked but then I remembered what games had thought me........ the lecturer was not impressed when I handed him a sheet of paper with a shoeprint on it.


This is not productive.

When does it work? – When your bin is full.

#2 – Nobody likes a silent protagonist.

Silent protagonists. They’ve got it all. They save the world, they go on adventures, they get the girl (or guy) in the end, and they do it all without having to talk to anyone. I admired this lifestyle and set out to make it my own. I can tell you now that it’s quite hard to get by in life while not talking to anyone. Nobody’s going to think you’re the strong silent type, they’ll think you’re creepy raper type. Honestly, try getting the girl (or guy) without talking. You’ll be arrested.


Hey Gordon. Say nothing if I’m awesome..... Aww thanks.

When does it work? – When you talk to the deaf.

#3 – Time does not heal all wounds.

A staple of the FPS genre, healing yourself by staying still and not being shot for a while has been a lifesaver in many games. It is very important you remember that this doesn’t work in real life. One day in town certain events led to me splitting my head open, worried civilians crowded around me, possibly worried about my severe blood loss. “Don’t worry about it.” I said as I crouched behind the nearest wall “I’ll be fine in a minute.” That’s all I remember before I fainted.....


This is not a substitute for medical attention.

When does it work? – When the wounds are emotional.

#4 – Free running is hard.

Free running is the hot shit in gaming these days. Why spend time and resources programming a driving system when you can just make the hero jump across the city. Prototype, Infamous, Assassins Creed, Mirrors Edge, all of them make it look like a piece of piss. I can assure you it is not. Remember that story about me splitting my head open......yeah, guess how that happened.


Turns out this is hard to do.

When does it work? – If sliding down the banister counts as free running.

#5 – Stealth is not as easy as it looks.

Most games would have you believe stealth involves nothing more than keeping your back to the wall and sometimes crouching over a bit. Real stealth involves years of training, dedication and sometimes crouching over a bit. Even Metal Gear, the game that does stealth right, can’t be applied to real life. In my experience walking around in a cardboard box is much more likely to get you seen, although you will get a few of those question mark things.


Years of practice.

When does it work? – If you hide in a bush, dressed as a bush, in a field of bushes...... then it’s pretty easy.

#6 – Real fights aren’t turn based.

I learned this one the hard way. One night outside a pub I was confronted by a man who clearly had too much to drink. He accused me of robbing his phone and demanded that we fight. Of course at this time I was still trying out the whole silent protagonist thing so I couldn’t tell him that he was wrong. He punched me in the face, then he punched me again. “Oww, what the fuck, it’s my turn!” I said breaking my vow of silence. He continued to hit me as I curled into a ball on the floor, wondering when my turn would come. With every kick and punch I felt myself get angrier and angrier. Now, anyone who’s ever played an RPG knows what this anger meant. I got to my feet and at the top of my voice screamed “LIMIT BREAAAAAK” and then kicked him in the crotch. I didn’t get any experience points either because I ran away.


Notice how they don’t wait for a bar to fill before they punch.

When does it work? – When you’re Brad Nicholson and you go first.

So there you have it. What about you? Have you found something in games worth living by? Let me know in the comments. As for me, I’m going to keep searching. I know that somewhere out there is a game that I can apply to my life. Next on the list is something called Manhunt 2, I wonder what that’s like.......