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Handy avatar 5:23 PM on 06.04.2011  (server time)
E3 Approaches: The E3 survival guide!

My friends, a storm approaches. Not a storm of wind and rain, but a storm of information and other metaphors I can’t think of right now because I’ve been drinking. But as we stand before this harsh gale, ready to be soaked to the bone, I offer you this guide to help you through E3.

Let me be your umbrella.

This guide is for those of us who have the hard part of E3, sitting and watching. While all the staff are out there playing new games, getting treated to drinks, going to bed at reasonable hours, and just generally enjoying the relaxing environment, we’re expected to just magically read everything and follow all the news without even a spare thought for our eyestrain! Well this guide is for you, the little guy, to help you get the most out of your E3 experience.

#1 Prepare your excuse for missing work.

E3 is a weeklong affair, and if you want to know what happens when it happens you’ll need to take time off to survey the show like an internet hawk. It’s best to have something prepared beforehand, it needs to be something serious enough to warrant a week off but not so bad as to cause undue worry.

Even better is to say something vague but that won’t lead to any follow up questions, it’s best to hint at your genitals in this case, something like “The doctor says I can’t come back till the rash goes” works well. It may hurt your chances at future office relationships but, c’mon, your taking a week off for E3, I think that ship has sailed.

#2 The eight food groups.

Your body is a temple, and since I’m sure you go to church every Sunday I expect you take the same care of your body too. During E3 you’ll have irregular eating habits and will be staying up till all hours of the morning (this is especially true for those of us in different time zones) so remember the main gamer food groups

1. Fruit

2. Vegetables

3. Beer

4. Meat

5. Beer

6. Beer

7. Mountain Dew Game Fuel

8. Monster Munch.

Also, comfort food is a must. You know that game you really want announced? The sequel to that somewhat obscure game with the huge cult following from the PS2? Yeah that’s not happening, but don’t worry, your old friends Ben and Jerry will be there to console you.

#3 It’s okay to be a fan, but don’t be a fanboy.

Fanboyism (it’s a word) gets the better of all of us at some point during E3, be it excitement for a newly announced exclusive or indulging in a little schadenfreude at the expense of one of the big three messing up during their conference. It’s okay to wear your heart on your sleeve, just remember the difference between “Fuck yeah! Cafe looks like it can compete with the other consoles!” and “Fuck you, Cafe’s gonna bury $ony and M$”.

Also remember that spelling company names with dollar signs doesn’t make you clever. All companys exist to make money and to point that out is redundant, you might as well tell the ice-cream man he drives slow while you’re at it.

#4 The C-blogs will get messy.

The c-blogs during last year’s E3 were......let’s say untidy. To call it a clusterfuck would do a disservice to mentally damaged orgy planners. During E3 the C-blogs can become a festering cesspool of bile filled with the dregs of human society, I don’t want to tell anyone not to write a blog but be aware that it will be pushed down rather quickly, probably by one sentence nonsense, it’s up to you to decide whether to hold off or brave the storm and bring us something worth reading.

There’ll be more trolls and fanboys than you can shake your well reasoned logic at too, remember when the c-blogs were filled with trolls a few weeks ago, that was nothing compared to what’s to come. Not to mention that the staff and pretty much anyone who wields the banhammer will be up to their necks in other work. I can’t tell you what happens to the forums during E3, aside from them telling that you the c-blogs were already a festering cesspool of bile filled with the dregs of human society, ‘cause they’re kooky like that.

#5 There will be Booth Babe galleries – prepare lube.

Just common sense really...

#6 Mistakes will happen.

E3 is hard on anyone reporting. Staying up till all hours of the morning, walking from meeting to meeting all day in a sweaty convention centre with no breaks, sitting Indian style in the corner of a crowed floorshow trying to write up a 2000 word preview of “Capitan America: the game” with ten minutes of battery left. Mistakes are going to happen, be they spelling mistakes or mixed up facts, try not to be a dick about it, these guys are working very hard.

At least, that’s what they want you to think. Truth is, they’re so strung out from all the sex and drug parties that Sony/Microsoft/Nintendo throw to bribe them that it’s a miracle they even get anything out at all. And all that’s left over is some fuzzy memories and a whole lotta BIAS.

#7 Don’t wait, bottle that hate.

For those of you who are miserable gits with no sense of fun and will only complain about what they see at E3 instead of focusing on what they’re excited about, this one’s for you! Why wait till you see what you’re only going to complain about anyway, why not get ahead of the pack and get ready now? Write about how the NGP will suck and be too expensive, just leave a space for when they announce the price! Get ready to tell the world why Project Cafe is just a HD Wii, or how it’s gimmicky, or how it has a really stupid name once you learn what its name actually is.

Then you can be the first to rant about it, and in the future when people look back at this to see who’s kneejerk reaction was right, which they totally will, you can say “Called it.” and we’ll all go “Wow, what a smart guy” “Good going smartguy!” and you’ll be the King of the Internet.

#8 Have fun!

This is E3! A time when we can all get together and look forward to what’s to come. Join in, play games like Spot that Meme, where we try to guess which embarrassing stage mistake will get a techno remix. Try to see if you can guess which Booth Babe is the most dead inside. Laugh at game journos doing things they clearly uncomfortable with.

Never forget!

Most of all, enjoy yourself! This is our week! Have some fun!

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