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Handy avatar 1:41 PM on 09.02.2011  (server time)
Death to Red Shepard!

Some time ago, Bioware announced that they would be holding a vote on the default appearance of the female protagonist of Mass Effect, commonly referred to as “FemShep”. The vote was held, the people spoke, and a blonde FemShep was chosen. And the people were WRONG.

Thankfully, the most enlightened and wise internet sages were able to show us the error of our ways, helping us remember how all blonde people are “Barbie faced personality vacuums” who have never contributed to society in any way or even shown an average level of intelligence, especially that fucking bimbo Stephen Hawking.

Obviously, this would have destroyed the iconic image and personality of this custom made character whose appearance and dialogue you choose. Jennifer Hale probably would have been fired as the voice of Shepherd and she would be replaced by some valley girl, which all blonde women are. All of the previous choices you made would no longer carry over, instead getting replaced by “um, I dunno.” or “Gawd, whatever!” as paragon and renegade respectively, neither of which would matter because she would just end up asking a man in the end anyway.

But thankfully, Bioware saw the error in their Arian master race worshipping ways, and pretended that it was only round one of the vote and hair color was next, but alas, everyone made the wrong choice again. Fortunately this is a fair and democratic vote, which means we’ll do it over as many times as it takes till the loudest people stop complaining. So with that in mind let me tell you why everyone is wrong yet again.

First of all, every background story for Shepard will be rendered invalid, as all red headed children are notoriously rambunctious, there’s no way she could reach or even get through military training because she would be too busy being a handful for her parents or getting up to mischievous shenanigans.

Furthermore, there’s no way she could reach the rank of commander, she would lack the discipline to rise though the ranks as a fiery, impulsive hot head, which all red headed people are. Even then there’s no way any paragon solution would sound believable, as she would no doubt be reckless and spur-of-the-moment, rather than choosing to compromise or talk things through calmly.

What happens if there’s a mission on a planet close to a sun? Will everyone have to wait on the shuttle while Shepard applies sun block in case she burns her fair skin? People are dying and the fate of the galaxy is at stake here! Name one good thing associated with the color red. Blood? Satan? Communists?

If Bioware wants us to take Shepard seriously as a strong female character they must give her dark hair, there’s a reason Lara Croft has never been accused of being stupid or vapid or a terrible representation for women in videogames, and that’s because she has brown hair, if she had red hair she’d be a hyper aggressive bitch who hunts down tigers and kills them for sport, if she was blonde she’d be an airhead with no personality but a pair of tits, even if nothing about the character, her dialogue or the gameplay changed. Because logic.

That is why Shepard cannot have red hair. Only dark haired women can be multifaceted and substantial characters. Or minorities, if it’s a minority I’ll say it’s she’s deep because I don’t want to look racist, unless I’m calling them a racist stereotype because I don’t want to look racist, being this stupid get’s confusing sometimes.

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