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Handy avatar 9:03 AM on 07.29.2010  (server time)
Adopt an Avatar: How Handy can make your PAX better.

So PAX is coming up, and in an attempt to subside the murderous jealousy I feel at the prospect of not being able to go I have decided to present you, dear Dtoider, the opportunity of a lifetime. That’s right! For the low low price of FREE you could get to take my avatar to PAX!

“But Handy, how would carrying around your avatar improve my PAX experience?” Well I’m glad you asked that, disembodied voice in my head, read on to learn how adopting my avatar can not only improve PAX, but also improve your mind, body and yes even your sexlife.

(Visual aids brought to you by Yakuza 3)

Handy’s avatar raises the level cap.

By bringing Handy’s avatar to PAX the level cap is raised from 30 to 50 giving you the chance to grind your way to the top (just like Lady Gaga!) and outclass all others at the event. Sure some might say that PAX is a place to show your love and affection for games but with Handy’s avatar you can prove you love them more.

Handy’s avatar unlocks bonus mini-games.

Showing Handy’s avatar at all local drinking establishments in the area of PAX will allow you to participate in the mini-games “Getting shitfaced with Handy” “Getting kicked out of the pub because of Handy” and “Hunt for the Hotel” in which we drunkenly get lost on the way on the way back to the hotel, stop to take a piss in an ally, and are then asked to move on by the police because our stirring rendition of Oasis’ “Maybe” was a bit too loud.

Handy’s avatar boosts your stats.

Equipping Handy’s avatar to your accessories section will boost all you base stats by 25% and will make you immune to all status effect flu viruses travelling through the crowd as well as adding +15 to strength, +30 to endurance and +85 to your luck stat (too bad the luck stat never does anything).

Handy’s avatar gives you unique dialogue options.

Having Handy’s avatar around during conversation reminds you to consider “What would Handy say?” giving you hi-larious dialogue options where you can hold up my avatar and say such things as “Can I give you a hand?” or “Talk to the hand!” and many other humorous hand based puns. You’ll be the life of the party, as long as you don’t make a hand-job joke.....if you do my avatar will fucking kill you.

Handy’s avatar at PAX means one less person at PAX.

PAX is full. There’s already enough people going as it is. The show floors will be nothing but a sweaty broth of disease and pestilence. By bringing Handy’s avatar that means that means Handy won’t have to go to PAX, that means one less person ahead of you in line, that means one less person to add to the smell of thousands of people in a poorly air conditioned environment, that means one less person to catch/spread the viruses. That’s right, by bringing Handy’s avatar you could literally save lives. Don’t you want be a hero?

Handy’s avatar can teach you new moves.

You’ll have nothing to fear while walking the mean streets of Seattle with Handy’s avatar in tow. If the picture of an imaginary watercolour lieutenant doesn’t strike fear into trouble makers, then you can unleash a barrage of Handy’s signature attacks (as long as you have the avatar you’ll be exempt from copyright infringement)these include “Handy Punch” “Handy Infinite Tower of Rage Kick” and the often used “Handy-curl-into-a-ball-until-they-stop-kicking-you-defence”.

Handy’s avatar is basically a Press Pass.

Look, normally I don’t like to make a fuss, but I’m kind of a big deal. This avatar will get you behind closed doors, get you into places not meant for the public. A quick flash of this avatar and you can cut in line, play games not ready for public showings, you could have a controller in one hand and a mai tai in the other, you can even get into the cocaine and prostitute parties they hold to bribe games journalists. It’s all just a Handy flash away.

Handy’s avatar is a pussy/cock magnet.

The bitches love Welkin. The bastards too if you’re so inclined. The thing is Welkin and myself are spoken for making us the perfect wingmen, lure them in with Welkin’s nonthreatening good looks and when they find out we’re not available that’s when you get your hooks in. I’m not saying that if you bring my avatar you’ll definitely get laid. But if you bring my avatar you will definitely get laid. Just make sure you leave my avatar facedown when you do.

Handy’s avatar unlocks alternate endings.

Thanks to the exclusive content that comes with Handy’s avatar you can unlock multiple endings to PAX. Depending on the choices you make you can live out PAX like everyone else, have a good time, and then go home. Or you can get the one where you fight the evil anti-game protesters and prove that games are a legitimate form of entertainment that don’t affect the behaviour of minors, or the one where you prove games are art just so people will stop talking about it, or the one where you convince SEGA to make Shenmue 3 and are crowned King of PAX, or the one where you gently smother Jack Thompson in his sleep. With Handy’s avatar the only limit is your own imagination........and reality.

Also I’m willing to change my avatar to just the words “This person is awesome and attractive” if that helps.

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