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Welcome to the blog.... you must be bored. anyway im Handy, I'm a student in Ireland and I'm here to talk about whatever may come into my mind....so not much then.

Lets see... I’ve been playing games pretty much my whole life, since my Commodore back in the day to my ps3 now I’ve been hooked. Actually come to think of it I can’t remember a time I wasn’t playing games. Can’t say I have a favourite genre, I like to try a bit of everything, though I will go to town on a good RPG. I’ll have something to fill in this space as soon as my life becomes interesting.

^^^ Seriously, I wrote that like four years ago and still nothing interesting has happened.

Like everyone else on Destructoid I’m at a loss on what to fill this space with so I guess I’ll just catalogue my greatest hits, if you can call a loose collection of lists and borderline pornographic fanart “greatest hits”.

Listmania – Because liking something isn’t as important as liking it in the correct order.

Game plots that are clearly rip-offs: Part two

Gamings Greatest Slinky Invisible Women with Huge Asses

E3 Approaches: The E3 survival guide!

Something about E3: 34 things you’ll have to hear soon

Lost? Lonely? Looking for Love?

Gaming’s worst legal guardians

Gaming DIY

Valentine’s Day, Shmalentine’s.....Shmay

Get a new look at the Gaming Salon!


The NPC survival guide

Game lessons that don’t work in real life

Fanart Flops – Because you must suffer.

Fanart Flops: Back by (Un)Popular Demand

Fanart Flops: Eyebleach, I Choose You Edition

Fanart Flops: Octopus Hojo Edition

Fanart Flops: Stop Raping My Childhood Edition

Fanart Flops. (Possibly NSFW)

Wankery – The terrible results of when I pretend I’m smart.

Dear Industry: I Am Not a Psychopath

Final Fantasy Versus Itself

Only Human

The culture Gap

Sargasm – Because I’m kind of a dick.

Darksiders 2 in a nutshell

The Boy Who Cried Wolf

How Dare You, Capcom

Death to Red Shepard!

How to make a sequel

Why FFXIII is the worst one EVAR!

The Scandalous Scam of Samit Sarkar!

In the name of SCIENCE!!!

Front page – When Destructoid has terrible lapses in judgement.

Top 12 Videogame porno parodies (NSFW)

Handy’s X-mas X-travaganza begins now!

Game plots that are clearly rip-offs

Comments of the Week: Busst Stop

Comments of the week: George Michael Warfare 3

Don’t forget Comments of the Week

Comments of the Week: Tinfoil Hat Edition

Just because.
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Sony today revealed that they are well into production of their newest title, the “Remastered Collection”, said to be compiling the latest hits of the last five years with minor graphical improvements and framerates originally deemed “not cinematic”. Bringing together hits like The Last of Us: Remastered, Gravity Rush: Remastered, Grand Theft Auto V, Resident Evil Remake HD, Tomb Raider: Definitive Edition, Grim Fandango “Remastered”, God of War 3: Remastered, Borderlands: The Handsome Collection, Final Fantasy: Type-0 HD and somehow Halo: The Master Chief Collection all in one package.

God of War 3 goes from “pretty disappointing” to “pretty, disappointing”.

Shuhei Yoshida announced the title last night on the disassembled stage of last year’s E3 conference, “Yeah, we released the PS4 way too soon, aside from InFamous we had basically nothing planned until late 2014, which really means mid 2015 after delays” said Yoshida “we have to do something to tide people over, we tried putting gameplay into this movie called The Order but nobody fell for it” and went on to say “recycling is very important to us here at Sony, whether its recycled ideas or recycled games, we need to do something to reduce our carbon footprint after burning all those unsold Move controllers”.

But this isn’t just some collection of games, this is the Remastered Collection, all games will be receiving yet another overhaul of improvements. “In The Last of Us Ellie would often blatantly run around and go unnoticed by enemies, many found this immersion breaking so rather than rework the AI again we’ve given her a Predator like cloak during stealth segments”. “For DmC we found that Dante focus tested much better when we removed all his dialogue, we also changed his default look to the Classic Dante DLC costume and replaced Kat with a giant slice of pizza”

Not in a million two years.

“We honestly have no idea what to do with Resident Evil though, it’s been remade four times already, it’s not like there are other hit PS1 games people have been begging to be remastered for years”. “With Borderlands we just had to replace all the dialogue and text with newer memes, and the final boss is now a gigantic black and blue dress”.

The Remastered Collection is set to release later this year, though recent leaks suggest it might be better to hold out as Remastered Collection: Complete Edition HD may be in the works.

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You Know what else needs to go? Intros. You know what a list blog is, you're smart, I trust you.

(No, I'm not being lazy...)

Tailing Missions

You know what I love to do in my openworld games built around traversing the environment in fun non-restrictive ways? That’s right, very slowly following someone as they obey all the rules. Waiting for them at red lights, watching them stop to have conversations, staying perfectly still and not pressing anything because every button does something that “draws attention”, starting all over again because you got too close or too far away, nothing frustrating about tailing missions, no siree!

Worst Offender – Assassin’s Creed: Tailing missions are one thing, but Assassin’s Creed forces you to wrestle with its “stealth” mechanics while doing it, and insists that you must keep your target on camera at all times, and that you get close enough to eavesdrop, next thing you know you’re in a bush creeping on Gorge Washington and wondering what the hell happened to this series.


Overindulgent Shotgun Reload Animations

I think everybody who plays shooters has at some point considered the potential of more in depth reload mechanics, like what if reloading early wasted the rest of the clip instead of magically adding the spare bullets to your total? You’d have to manage your ammo consumption and fight your OCD need to reload after firing one bullet. But I can only assume these mechanics turn out to be too frustrating in practice since no one has implemented them. That is, except for the shotgun.

There we have to watch the lavishly detailed animation as you slide every individual shell into the gun, most current games even let you interrupt the animation in emergency situations to fire off the shells you’ve already loaded, tactical depth and resource management all in the middle of a shootout! Sounds fun? I agree! Except it’s only shotguns, making them a massive crutch compared to other weapons. Why can’t every weapon have this depth? There’s an entire boss fight in MGS3 dedicated to the boss figuring out how fun this could be. Seriously, half of Ocelot’s best quotes are about how much fun it is to reload guns. Let us do it!

Worst Offender – Every Shooter I guess: I mean, it’s not going to be racing games.


Stun Waggle

For the unfamiliar, which might be everybody since I just made up this term, stun waggle is when your character is grabbed or incapacitated and the game forces you to violently jiggle the analogue stick to regain control. A nice idea in theory, your brain associates the left stick with movement and shaking it is a nice way to represent the struggle to break free or snap out of a daze, much like shooting with the shoulder buttons – it should just feel right.

The problem? It’s going to break my damn controller! It has already! More than once! Let us mash a button or something instead, anyone who’s familiar with character action games knows all too well about the dreaded “CLACK CLACK CLACK” sound that counts down the lifetime of your analogue stick.

Worst offender – Platinum Games: As if having to buy new a console to play each of their games wasn’t bad enough, having to buy a new controller for new game+ is pushing it.


Ambient Muffle

A little trick games are pulling these days for immersion is to smother sound depending on where it’s coming from in relation to the player. It really draws you into the experience if you’re wearing headphones or have a decent sound system, it really takes you out of the experience if you have to turn on subtitles or stop and turn the camera at whoever’s talking so you can actually hear what they’re saying.

Worst offender – Naughty Dog: “What’s that Ellie!? You had a really insightful comment about the tragedy of the human condition? Sorry, I missed it because I’m down the hall looking for scissors in this toilet!”


Openworld Padding

Wow, it even feels like a waste of time to explain it at this point but you all know the drill. Kill the bad guys and get to the big thing so you can climb it or liberate it to unlock part of the map which unlocks sidequests that get you more weapons so you can get more places and climb more big things etc etc etc.

It’s ironic that openworld games, whose selling point is freedom and emergent gameplay, have become the most formulaic and predicable in the last few years.

Worst Offender – Ubisoft: I don’t think I even need to buy any of their games in 2015, I’ve basically played them all already.


Next-Gen Flare

Okay, maybe it’s just me but I’ve had a next gen console for about two months and I’m really having trouble...seeing things, or rather, seeing everything, all at once, all the time, flashing, brightly, in my eyes, my eyes you guys, my eyes hurt so much. It’s a symptom of every new console generation, everybody wants to show off their shiny new graphics, but this generation is especially obsessed with lighting effects.

Bright explosions, flashy effects, bloom lighting, all have been turned up to eleven, even a muted game like Abe’s Oddysee had remade into a blinding lazer show. Hell, Dying Light’s main selling point seems based around recreating the “Ah, crap, the sun’s in my eyes!” experience.

Worst Offender – InFamous Second Son: I’m going to find whoever came up the Neon powers and follow them around with a laser pen for a week. Aside from burning Delsin’s silhouette into the back of your eyelids, they start to impede the gameplay flow, Neon (and the other power I won’t spoil) are so visually loud and dazzling that it becomes difficult to tell if you’re even hitting your targets anymore, especially during night sections.


Fishing Minigames

Oh my God this is so boring stop doing it! It’s literally just standing in place and waiting for a button prompt, unless it’s one of those advanced fishing minigames which somehow become extremely stressful by introducing reeling mechanics and line breaks.

Worst offender – Japan: I suppose an island nation would enjoy their fishing, but it is beyond me why every Japanese game with even a semblance of freedom or openness insists on including a fishing minigame. God help you if it’s the kind that requires you catch a certain type of fish that can only be found in a certain part of the map which requires a certain type of bait that is only sold by a certain merchant if you want to unlock the True Ending.


Zelda Pacing.

Pacing is important, and a steady pace can be difficult to maintain for any game over eight hours. Usually the best way to achieve this is to set up a long term goal and guide the player there with smaller, achievable short term goals. Zelda games however, and those who take inspiration, take this to a ridiculous extreme, where short term goals become massive road blocks that plague you at every turn. While fundamentally similar to any other progression blocker in gaming, Zelda Pacing brings with it a persistent feeling of being set back or delayed, a continuous shifting of the finish line, and a weight on the shoulders. When you finally complete something it turns what should be a feeling of accomplishment into exasperated relief. As an example, let me explain a personal stand out moment from our Worst Offender – Darksiders 2.

You’re told you need to reach the Well of Souls and to do this you must contact the Lord of Bones who is reached by climbing Serpents Peak to summon the Eternal Throne which itself turns out to be a giant traversable dungeon. But just before the throne room you’re stopped by The Chancellor who says you must go to the Gilded Arena and fight the Arena Champion before you can get an audience. So you go to the Arena and are told you must assemble three Animus Stones to summon and fight the Champion, after this you can finally talk to the Boner Lord who won’t grant your request until you find his three Dead Lords. Aside from having their own dungeon, EACH, one even demands you find him three Lost Souls before he agrees to go with you and I don’t know what happens after that because that’s when I deleted the game, realising I was on a sub-sub-sub-subquest. Keep in mind that these five to six hours of hoop-jumping are all for the purpose of getting someone to just talk to the protagonist properly and let him know what he’s actually supposed to be doing.



Honourable Mentions

Death blur: Making it really hard to see what’s killing you by drowning out colour and smearing the screen with blood, this is literally the worst possible time you could obscure someone’s vision in a game.

Audio tapes and notes: What was once an interesting way of fleshing out characters is becoming a crutch, aside from the believability of everybody constantly writing and recording their actions and leaving it scattered everywhere (err, aside from social media), notes and audio tapes are becoming exposition dumps, telling us what they should be showing us.

Co-op integration of single player story mode: If you aren’t a Souls game you aren’t doing it right.

The word “Badass”: Come on, stop saying that, people are watching, you're embarrassing yourself.

Piles of furniture blocking staircases: Once you notice it you can’t un-notice it. This is especially prevalent in post-apocalyptic settings, as though “duck and cover” was at some point replaced with “push your sofa halfway up the stairs”.

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At first games were held in contempt, a toy for children and nothing more, and to an extent they were right, but gamers and the medium grew up together and came into their own. When the moral guardians told them they were sick or pathetic they held our ground and proved them wrong. When the Jack Thompson’s of the world blamed tragedies on gaming they were told where they could shove their baseless accusations.

Basically what I’m getting at is that gaming has had a lot of shit flung its way, and today is no different, except the shit-flingers are coming from within, and their audience is sick of it. Now I’m not going to warn you about the gaming “boogie men” or “conspiracy”, boogie men are scary and conspirators are smart, these people are neither. These are the more hilarious examples of what we’ve had to put up with for the last few years, the reason there was so much animosity built up for games journalists who push political correctness, the other four thousand straws before the one that broke the camel’s back if you will.

Blonde Shepard: Don’t judge a woman by her looks unless we do.

EA, realising the large fan following FemShep had garnered, decided to revamp her default character model for inclusion in ME3 promotional material, however EA was also aware that the unpleasable wasp nest that is the Bioware fanbase would hate whatever they came up with anyway and decided to leave it up to the fans for vote for their favourite themselves. Some people in the game press took issue with this, drawing comparisons to a “beauty contest”, some might consider this silly considering we’d already had two games to get to know this character, and that nobody would be forced to use this model since the it would only be the default in a game with a character creator. But lines were drawn, it was wrong to boil the glorious Commander Shepard down to just appearances.


That is, until the blonde won the vote...

“Blonde Bimbo” “Barbie faced personality vacuum” “that is the face of a woman who cares more about her glue-on nails and handbag Chihuahua” these were the accusations levied at the chosen winner, who is still exactly the same person she was before. The issue of voting on appearance was dropped in lieu of badgering the world for not choosing the “right” type of girl, it was simply unthinkable that Shepard could become an example of “western world Caucasian beauty” (coughunlikeMaleShepcough).

EA went into damage control mode and announced “Phase 2” of voting, now for hair colour, and it was fine to vote again, so long as you made the choice that made her look like the old default they were going to import anyway, and so we ended up with a hastily pallet swapped Femshep who looked like she bleached her skin and had a terrible dye job. But would blonde prejudice ever rear its ugly head again? (Spoiler alert: yes, it’s number three).

E3 2014 Panels: Not enough crippled minority lesbian presenters.

Polygon’s Danielle Riendeau took exception to this year’s E3, the problem, in her eyes, was that there were more severed heads than female presenters, and by “more” she meant “two”, there were two more severed heads, and considering the games shown included Mortal Kombat and an Assassin’s Creed about the French Revolution I’d say that’s coming out pretty well. In Polygon’s eyes the lack of women or “people of color”, because it’s still the 50’s apparently, “sends a message”. Is that message “Most of these people are the company’s executives giving a talk at a trade show”? Is it “Many minority execs are from non-English speaking countries and can’t go on stage”?

Nope, just “sends a message”, which much like it’s cousin “problematic” is code for “I want to call this racist but don’t have any real substance to do so”

Most peculiar though, was the complaint that too many presenters were “white, male and able-bodied”, speaking as a disabled person this is an incredibly odd statement to make considering that (1) not all disabilities are visible, and (2) maybe being disabled might impede someone’s ability run on and off stage while giving several impassioned speeches for upwards of an hour. But then, that would imply that Polygon actually gives a shit about disabled people instead of looking progressive.

Far Cry 4 Boxart: Return of the Aryan oppressors

Far Cry 4 was accused of racism after the reveal of its boxart, many claimed the image evoked (and therefore, wholeheartedly endorsed) white supremacy, cultural eradication, and just for good measure, homophobia, it’s an awfully bright suit after all. Personally, I think making a bunch of loaded accusations based on stereotypes like that seems kind of...well racist, but the best part? Nobody in that art is white. In fact, we knew next to nothing about the game at the time the art was released, but that didn’t stop anyone making wild accusations, most of which were based around dyed hair.

Please tell me I’m not the only one who finds it hilarious that those most eager to scream racism literally couldn’t recognise an Asian when he was staring them in the face, not to mention sitting on a Buddhist statue in the Tibetan mountains while stroking another Asian on the head.

Far Cry 4 at E3: Silence is sexist

Sticking with Far Cry 4, narrative director Mark Thompson was questioned at E3 2014 by Kotaku’s Nathan Grayson about what he would have done differently “If you had been able to work with a playable woman character in Far Cry 4”, Thompson declined from answering, no doubt feeling that he was being asked a leading question that Kotaku could twist into a manufactured controversy. Thompson was wrong however, Kotaku didn’t even need an answer to begin the manufactured controversy.

“Ubisoft Refused To Talk To Me About Women” was posted soon after, an article that spends ten paragraphs describing literally anything but the topic at hand, the sights, the sounds, the smells, at one point Loony Toons, anything to make it look like anything actually happened. Ubisoft’s refusal to answer leading questions on a hot button topic was all it took for Kotaku to conflate them with the issue.

Also, Look forward to my next article “Kotaku Refused To Talk To Me About Their Hand In The Rwandan Genocide”

Dragon’s Crown: Breasts Exist.

Game Journalists didn’t like when Dragon’s Crown, a game with hyper-stylised art inspired by everything from Renascence art to Walt Disney, had the audacity to exaggerate the female form. The character, drawing from the likes of Jessica Rabbit and the Swords and Sorcery trope of the buxom sorceress, was given impossibly large breasts, which is unacceptable at random intervals in the games industry. No effort was made to see where the character drew inspiration from, most ignored that almost everybody in the game is heavily caricatured, or as Penny Arcade’s Tycho put it “The only characters here who aren’t fucking mutants are the Elf and the Wizard”. Once again, it seemed like they didn’t care about the issue so much as that they could make it an issue, and the game was brushed off as the product of the artist’s juvenile fantasies.

...which is nonsense because anyone who’s played a Vanillaware game knows George Kamitani is an ass man.

Lara Croft’s PG rated traumatic experience.

Remember that time we had month long discussions over whether or not it was okay to depict sexual assault and rape in a videogame and then it turned out the scene in question was a guy touching her leg about a second before Lara killed him? That may have been blown a little out of proportion.

Starcoon: I don't even

A group of students in the Netherlands made a browser based game about a racoon travelling to the stars, they called it Starcoon. “Cultural differences – we have them” said Kotaku’s Mike Fahey as he imposed his cultural standards on some foreigners, insinuating that a portmanteau of “star” and “racoon” was racist. The developers eventually changed their name to avoid any discourse, which Kotaku used as fodder to write about why the Washington Redskins should change their names.

If you’re a game journalist and you’re wondering why your audience has suddenly turned on you, it might have something to with years of bullshit artificial controversies like this, and lines such as “We’re told all the time that the average age of gamers is getting older, but their emotional maturity and concept of life in a pluralist society seems to be stuck somewhere around the freshman year of high school. On average, it’s a demographic no more sophisticated than a meathead sports fan.” thanks Owen Good of Kotaku Australia, we’ll get right on that!

Any other words with antiquated racial connotations we should watch out for? Cocoons? Spades? The colour black? Halloween is right around the corner, can I still say spooky? What about the sambo, a type of gourd found in –oh for fuck–

Sambo: let’s keep racism alive so we can fight it.

Scribblenauts is a game in which any word you enter will appear in game, including the sambo, the name of a type of fig leaf gourd found in Spain which resembles a watermelon. As it turns out “sambo” was also an outdated racial slur for black people in America, and black people liking watermelons is also an old-fashioned stereotype, when connecting all the dots togther it soon became quite evident that 5th Cell did not sneak 1800’s racism into their videogame.

“Racial Term in DS' Scribblenauts?” – Protip: when a game journalist uses a title with a question mark at the end there’s a 90% chance they won’t answer that question. Bonus tip: if you need to dedicate over half your article to an American history lesson explaining why the name of a foreign fruit might be construed as racist – it’s not fucking racist.

Quiet: Shhhhhhh

Hideo Kojima said (in his poor grasp of English), that he’s been designing characters with cosplayers and figurines in mind, but expressed concern that he’d made Quiet too “erotic” to cosplay, either because the outfit is uncomfortable or because it would be hard to go around public events dressed like that. Somewhere along the way this got twisted into meaning that Kojima was making all the characters sexier so that he could perv over cosplayers.

Expect to hear more about Quiet in the future. You see, Quiet is the perfect character for the games press, she’s scantily clad, potentially a victim, and most importantly, she can’t speak for herself. Because at the end of the day, much like everything else here, it’s not really about her, it’s not about what she’s like, what she thinks, or what she does. It’s about them. It’s about earning brownie points for how progressive look, it’s about “enlightening” the audience who don’t know any better. All those accusations, all that outrage, and the character hasn’t even opened her mouth yet.

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When they announced new Super Mario 3D World heads were sent spinning at the prospect of playing as Princess Peach, unfortunately, many were disappointed as both Peach and Rosalina reinforced gender normatives by running slower and jumping differently than their male counterparts. Some brave fans took it upon themselves to reverse the situation and draw Mario as a girl, and in doing so, subverted all expectations and revealed the chauvinist precedent unwittingly encouraged by Nintendo. 

If you’re still reading this then that means you clicked, and I have already won. Here's some fanart I found. However, in an attempt to make this look like I didn’t shit this out in ten minutes allow me to present some half baked ideas I thought up in the shower. *Ahem*. If Mario was a girl than that would turn the stereotypical “save the princess” plot on its head, now a woman would be saving a man, and that would be really progressive and open-minded and avant-garde and stuff.

I’m definitely not writing this because Nintendo fans are rabid and fanatical and women in gaming is a hot button issue.

Also, in anticipation of dissenting opinions allow me to suggest that if you are a man attracted to female Mario then you’re probably gay, and gender-swapped Mario is how you lie to yourself and maintain your image. “This isn’t gay” you think, as you imaging her giant cartoon gloves enveloping your penis, “I’m straight” you reassert, picturing the gentle caress of her moustache. 

I’m sure that pre-emptively suggesting that those people are gay in no way reinforces the idea that it’s something to be ashamed of. In any case, I’ll be pretending to be so forward thinking that I couldn’t even conceive why you would go there or why anything in this article would even draw attention in the first place. 

Have I mentioned Smash Bros yet? Oh man, Smash Bros is for idiots.
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3:23 PM on 06.22.2014

With the dust settled I thought we’d take a look back at the E3 Predictions post to see who came out on top, and to just reflect on E3 in general. All in all I think it was a pretty good showing, something for everybody no matter what your tastes or platform of choice, I’ve heard some complain that it was a boring year, and while I agree in some respects, I think it’s important to note that an uneventful showing isn’t necessarily bad a one, E3 certainly wasn’t boring last year but that’s because it was a disaster for some. 

So here’s how we’re doing this, below you’ll find my original fifty questions, followed by a short blurb on how well I think they were answered and who was correct in their predictions, it’s...kind of  mess to look at but if you read the prediction post then you've read half of this already. Also some quick thoughts on the big three and their conferences for funsies, and the final score revealing who our champion is! 


I have to hand it to Microsoft for how they conducted this year’s conference, while I don’t think I’ve heard anyone say this has convinced them to pick up an Xbone, their approach of “Game-game-game-game” with little to no fluff in-between did a lot to show that they at least recognise what a joke they were last year. Also, is it me of does every racing game act like they’re the hottest shit when get a Nürburgring Track?

Microsoft has been embarrassing themselves on stage for the last few years, but this year they assure us it will be "all about the games" and less about the suits. Will they make good on this promise and focus on what core gamers want?

(For the most part, Microsoft certainly did come through with their promise that it would be all about the games this year)

Coin: Heads – YES – Correct 
Tarot: Death, Reversed - resistance to change, unable to move on – NO – Incorrect 
8-Ball: "Yes definitely" – YES – Correct 

With the recent announcement of Kinect being sold separately from Xbox One, will we finally be free of the flailing beast at this year's press conference?

(It’s dead, we can finally play pantless again!)

Coin: Tails – NO – Incorrect 
Tarot: Moon, Upright - illusion, fear, anxiety – NO – Incorrect 
8-Ball: "Concentrate and ask again" (I do so) "Yes" – YES – Correct 

Will they have celebrities or sport personalities on stage?

(I honestly have no idea who the hell those people were. They were either mid-tier developers or nobody-tier celebs. In any case, they weren’t on stage and they weren't the focus, so I’ll let it pass)

Coin: Tails – NO – Correct 
Tarot: Hanged Man, Upright - restriction, letting go, sacrifice – NO – Correct 
8-Ball: "Reply hazy try again" (I do so) "It is decidedly so" – YES – Incorrect 

Will there be extended talks about TV, sports, television, TV, Mountain Dew, and so on?

(A little, but nowhere near the extent we expected, somehow Sony talked more about TV than Microsoft)

Coin: Heads – YES - Incorrect
Tarot: Hermit, Upright - soul searching, introspection - NO (let's give them the benefit of the doubt) – Correct 
8-Ball: "Outlook not so good" considering the topic, that means – YES – Incorrect 

We know Halo 5 is coming, but what about other exclusives? Will we see the next Gears of War?

(We sure didn’t)

Coin: Tails – NO – Correct 
Tarot: Tower, Upright - disaster, upheaval – NO – Correct 
8-Ball: "Concentrate and ask again" (I do so, again) "It is certain" – YES – Incorrect 

What about Sunset Overdrive? Will we see that?

(We sure did)

Coin: Tails – NO – Incorrect 
Tarot: Wheel of Fortune, Upright - good luck, karma – YES – Correct 
8-Ball: "My reply is no" - NO – Incorrect

Will we see Quantum Break in either its game or TV incarnation?

(I believe we got brief glimpses of Quantum Break, but nothing significant enough to call this a yes)

Coin: Tails – NO – Correct 
Tarot: Tower, Reversed - avoidance of disaster - YES and it won't be terrible or - NO we won't see it at E3, but it will be terrible – Correct 
8-Ball: "It is certain" – YES – Incorrect 

Will there be any Titanfall related announcements?

(Not from Microsoft anyway)

Coin: Tails – NO – Correct 
Tarot: Fool, Reversed - naivety, recklessness - YES but it will be something dumb – Incorrect
8-Ball: "Concentrate and ask again" (I roll my eyes and do so) "Don't count on it" – NO – Correct 

Will Call of Duty continue its relationship with Microsoft with a new trailer or announcement of timed exclusive DLC?

(Buy an Xbox One for the chance to pay more money sooner!)

Coin: Heads – YES – Correct 
Tarot: Star, Upright - hope, renewal, serenity – YES – Correct 
8-Ball: "Yes, definitely" – YES – Correct 

Last year's E3 was something of a disaster for Microsoft, but since then a lot of the controversial features of the Xbox One have been removed or scaled back. Do you think Microsoft has realized their mistakes and changed enough to have a strong showing this year?

(While few of the games grabbed me personally, and general opinions still seem to float somewhere around mistrust and disinterest, Microsoft have definitely realized their mistakes and had a decent showing)

Coin: Heads – YES – Correct 
Tarot: Temperance, Reversed - imbalance, excess, lack of long-term vision – NO – Incorrect
8-Ball: "Yes definitely" – YES – Correct 


Me: 70 minutes into Sony’s conference.

Sony’s conference took place at 2am to 4am in my part of the world, and in my half asleep stupor I for some reason thought they brought the thunder in the first half, and promptly fell asleep for the second when business man and the Kingpin started talking, thankfully I was cognisant enough to catch the new Metal Gear and Uncharted trailers afterwards. 

Upon second viewing (to make sure Bloodborne wasn’t a dream) it certainly wasn’t the tour de force I thought it was, but still, while I need one more big push before I buy a next gen console, they had a lot to show off. I dare say if they had of cut out all the boring suit speak and kept the conference tighter they would have “won” between the E3 conferences handily.

Sony has a propensity of throwing rather dull charts, graphs, and sales numbers at our face during E3. Should we fear more of that this year?

(Christ yes, mister Clinton gestures put me to sleep, literally)

Coin: Tails – NO – Incorrect
Tarot: Emperor, Reversed - domination, rigidity, inflexibility – YES – Correct 
8-Ball: "Yes" – YES – Correct 

With Jack Tretton's departure from Sony, will the replacement speaker be able to live up to the vast legacy of being mild and inoffensive enough to "win" E3 by default of not being terrible?

(Nope, with the other companies upping their game to “Not Terrible” it’ll take more than not being nails on a chalkboard to win now)

Coin: Heads - YES – Incorrect
Tarot: Wheel of Fortune, Upright - good luck, life cycles - YES – Incorrect
8-Ball: "Better not tell you now" (getting real tired of your shit, 8-Ball) "Outlook not so good" – NO – Correct 

Last year we were reintroduced to Final Fantasy Versus 13, now branded as a full-on Final Fantasy entry. Will we see a release window, a trailer, or anything at all this year?

(We didn’t see jack shit, and I for one will no longer hold on to “they’re waiting for TGS” hopes, that’s game’s vapourware until I’m happily proven otherwise)

Coin: Heads - YES – Incorrect
Tarot: Devil, Upright - bondage, addiction, sexuality, materialism - um... YES? – Incorrect
8-Ball: "As I see it, yes" - YES – Incorrect

Will we finally see the Last Guardian again? Is it still real? Was it ever real?

(After reassurance that The Last Gaurdian is definitely still a thing Sony preceded to...do nothing once again) 

Coin: Heads - YES – Incorrect
Tarot: Hierophant, Reversed - restriction, challenging the status quo - YES (assuming the status quo is that it's been missing for years) – Incorrect
8-Ball: "My sources say no" – NO – Correct 

After a lukewarm reception, will The Order: 1886 prove to be anything more than "just" another third person shooter?

(I’m not even sure it a third person shooter for all the good shooting did in that trailer, are we sure that wasn’t a cutscene? Either way, The Order sill has a lot to prove) 

Coin: Heads - YES – Incorrect
Tarot: Empress, Reversed - creative block, dependence on others - NO – Correct 
8-Ball: "Reply hazy, try again" (yet again, I do so) "Ask again later" - FUCK YOU, 8-BALL  – Incorrect because fuck you 8-Ball

How about the new Uncharted? Will we see that?

(I’m pretty sure Nathan Drake should have brain damage for the amount of times he's been knocked unconscious and woken up in strange places, that or he has a drinking problem)

Coin: Heads – YES – Correct 
Tarot: Death, Upright - endings and beginnings, change, transformation - YES but it's a kart racer now – correct (we don’t know that it isn’t a kart racer)
8-Ball: "As I see it, yes" – YES – Correct 

Will they show support for the Vita, or will it forever remain the stretch goal that Kickstarters stop before reaching?

(The closest thing to support was the announcement of the Playstation TV, which is essentially a Vita for people who don’t want to shell out for a Vita, not exactly what I’d call a stellar endorsement) 

Coin: Tails – NO – Correct 
Tarot: Star, Reversed - lack of faith, discouragement – NO – Correct 
8-Ball: "Concentrate and ask again" (this fuckin' guy) "Yes definitely" – YES – Incorrect

Will Sony keep trying to make the phrase "PlayStation Nation" happen?

(I didn’t hear the phrase, but as mentioned I was half asleep) 

Coin: Heads - YES – Incorrect
Tarot: Tower, Upright - disaster, upheaval - YES – Incorrect
8-Ball: "You may rely on it" - YES – Incorrect

Will they be focusing on Morpheus, Sony's new VR technology?

(While it had a presence, Sony smartly avoided focusing too much on something we can’t get hype about from our couches at home)

Coin: Heads - YES – Incorrect
Tarot: Judgement, Reversed - self doubt, refusal of self examination – NO – Correct 
8-Ball: "Better not tell you now" (the coin never gives answers like this) "Most likely" - YES – Incorrect

The big one for many people: will Project Beast be revealed at Sony's conference?

(Bloodborne is here and life is worth living again!)

Coin: Tails - NO – Incorrect
Tarot: Justice, Upright - fairness, truth, er... justice – YES – Correct 
8-Ball: "Most likely" – YES – Correct 


Nintendo is tough to talk about this year, while I think they certainly had the best overall E3, I personally believe they had the weakest conference. Only 45 minutes and most of what was discussed were already known quantities, don’t get me wrong, Nintendo had a lot to show at E3, but for some bizarre reason they chose not to show it when they had the entire world’s rapt attention. Every time I bring this up someone corrects me with “they didn’t have enough time”, I’m sorry but are you insane? It was pre-recorded! And half as long as the other conferences! And they spent twenty minutes in a goddamn aquarium and wool shop! TIME was not a factor! 

And Splatoon is not as big a deal as you think it is! It looks like a fun little game, but you know if it was on PlayStation or Xbox people wouldn’t be hyping it up like they are now. It’s completely immature of me, but something about Nintendo fan’s tendency to cling on and make a huge deal out of something small really gets my goat. Dynasty Warriors is a joke, but reskin it with Zelda characters and suddenly it’s amazing! ARGLE BARGLE RANTRANTRANT! 

Nintendo definitely won E3 this year, but not for the reasons Nintendo fans will tell you. (God, I am a man-child)

As people have no doubt been asking for years now, will Nintendo announce a new entry in one of their beloved B-tier franchises such as F-Zero, Star Fox, or Metroid?

(What we got were some blurry background shots of a new Star Fox, as far as Nintendo fans are concerned the second coming of Christ was confirmed)

Coin: Tails - NO – Incorrect
Tarot: Strength, Reversed - weakness, self-doubt - NO – Incorrect
8-Ball: "It is decidedly so" – YES – Correct 

Will we see Monolith Soft's "X" this year?

(We sure did, and it looks sweeeeet)

Coin: Tails - NO – Incorrect
8-Ball: "Outlook Good" – YES – correct 

How about Smash Bros? Will we get any new character reveals?

(Palutena and Pac-Man enter the fight! This is what happens when you don’t create any new characters after 1986)

Coin: Heads – YES – Correct 
Tarot: Emperor, Upright - authority, structure, solid – YES – Correct 
8-Ball: "Cannot predict now" (I shake the ball a little more than necessary) "Cannot predict now" (I shake the ball violently) "Don't count on it" - NO – Incorrect

What about Shin Megami Tensei X Fire Emblem? Will we get any new information on that?

(We didn’t get shit! How long must I wait for my Demi-Fiend X Chrom fanfic to become a reality?)

Coin: Heads - YES – Incorrect
Tarot: Hierophant, Reversed - restriction – NO – Correct 
8-Ball: "Yes, definitely" - YES – Incorrect

Last October, word was mentioned that a Wii U Zelda game may be on the way. (Possibly just a prelude to Hyrule Warriors.) Could there be a new, proper, Zelda coming our way?

(We got our new Zelda...sort of. I personally consider the announcement underwhelming, just a picture of a field and some discussion of vague concepts, we don’t even have a name yet, you’re kidding yourself if you think this is coming out before 2016. That said, I’m just not personally invested in Zelda games and have never enjoyed their structure, I know fans who freaked out at what was shown) 

Coin: Tails - NO – Incorrect
Tarot: Hermit, Reversed - withdrawal, isolation - NO – Incorrect
8-Ball: "You can count on it" – YES – Correct 

The 3DS has been doing excellent but there doesn't seem to be much on the horizon. Will there be any new announcements?

(I gueeeess, nothing aside from Code Name: S.T.E.A.M, things are looking lean for the little portable that could)

Coin: Heads – YES – Correct 
Tarot: Star, Upright - hope, renewal, inspiration – YES – Correct 
8-Ball: "Very doubtful" - NO – Incorrect

Is it possible Nintendo will make a bold move and just announce a new console altogether?


Coin: Heads - YES – Incorrect
Tarot: The World, Reversed - lack of completion, lack of closure - (possibly referring to the Wii U) YES – Incorrect
8-Ball: "Outlook not so good" – NO – Correct 

There will be an open-to-the-public Smash Bros event taking place across America during E3. Does this mean gaming websites are seriously going to have to dispatch people to Best Buy for hands-on previews?

(Not that I’ve heard of, though I’d consider it hard hitting journalism considering what some sites have been up to this year)

Coin: Tails - NO – Correct 
Tarot: Chariot, Revesed - lack of control - NO – Correct 
8-Ball: "Very doubtful" – NO – Correct 


Third-party showings were sort of weak this year. EA promised six new games and literally had nothing to show, they tried to cover it up by pretending they were giving us a “sneak peek” behind the scenes, but it was sadly obvious that they had nothing beyond concept art. It’s becoming clear that Ubisoft’s breakneck turnarounds are starting to affect development, as every game shown touted the same big feature: co-op “seamlessly” integrated into singleplayer, Aisha Tyler however, is still the best host by miles. 

Overall, E3 2015 is going to be weird as we’ll be seeing most of these games again. 

Ubisoft made waves the last few years by springing last minute surprises on us at the end of their conferences, will they do it again this year?

(They sure did)

Coin: Tails – NO – Incorrect 
Tarot: Priestess, Upright - intuition, mystery, subconscious - YES – Correct 
8-Ball: "Yes definitely" – YES – Correct 

Will said surprise announcement be way too early and end up getting pushed back two years?

(It sure will)

Coin: Tails – NO – Incorrect 
Tarot: Hermit, Upright - introspection, inner guidance - YES (I'm interpreting this as Ubi looking inside and realizing "Oh shit, we announced this way too soon again") – Correct 
8-Ball: "Most likely" – YES – Incorrect 

Will there be a new MGS5 trailer?

(Kidnap some goats and rub a dead guy on your face, can't wait!)

Coin: Heads - YES – Correct 
Tarot: Magician, Upright - skill, action - YES – Correct
8-Ball: "Very doubtful" – NO – Incorrect 

Will we finally get a real look at Persona 5? (Note: Chad asked this question on my behalf to a peccary in 2010. That peccary was a filthy liar.)

(Coin, Tarot and 8-Ball are all on my shitlist next to that peccary) 

Coin: Heads – YES – Incorrect 
Tarot: Lovers, Upright - love, union, relationships – YES – Incorrect 
8-Ball: "Reply hazy try again" (I need this, 8-Ball) "YES" – YES- Incorrect 

Do you think by any chance there is perhaps maybe a small possibility that Call of Duty might conceivably have a presence at E3?

(It was a long shot but wow, can you believe it Call of Duty was there?) 

Coin: Heads – YES – Correct
Tarot: Death, Upright - change, endings and beginnings - NO? (though it may refer to a change within CoD, not our exposure to it) – Incorrect 
8-Ball: "Outlook not so good" – NO – Incorrect

Is the new Mass Effect to be revealed this year?

(I do not consider that...concept work to be anything close to a reveal)

Coin: Tails - NO – Correct
Tarot: Magician, Reversed - poor planning, latent talents - NO (it's coming along, but not ready for E3 -- perhaps just a vague teaser) – Correct (cannot believe how correct that was)
8-Ball: "As I see it, yes" – YES – Incorrect 

Will Mountain Dew and/or Doritos have an embarrassingly large presence this year?

(Dewritos Pope was lurking around E3 but I didn’t see anything that would constitute an embarrassing presence) 

Coin: Heads – YES – Incorrect 
Tarot: Temperance, Reversed - imbalance, excess – YES – Incorrect 
8-Ball: "Signs point to yes" – YES – Incorrect 

Will we finally get a look at the next Fallout game?


Coin: Tails - NO – Correct
Tarot: Judgement, Upright - judgement, rebirth, inner calling – YES – Incorrect 
8-Ball: "You may rely on it" – YES – Incorrect 

Will Shenmue 3 be announced or do I have to keep sacrificing these goats?

(Running out of goats here)

Coin: Heads - YES – Incorrect
Tarot: Emperor, Reversed - rigidity, inflexibility - NO – Correct
8-Ball: "Ask again later" (sure thing, we've only been waiting THIRTEEN YEARS for this!) "Outlook Good" – YES – Incorrect 

Does Ubisoft seriously have the balls to announce two mainline Assassin's Creed games at the same time?

(They aren’t that bad...yet)

Coin: Heads – YES – Incorrect 
Tarot: Moon, Upright - illusion, fear, insecurity - sounds like a YES to me - Incorrect 
8-Ball: "Don't count on it" - NO – Correct

We all know the answer already but, as is tradition: will a Final Fantasy VII remake be announced?

(No, but we got G-Bike! Getting closer!! Any day now!!!) 

Coin: Heads – YES – Incorrect 
Tarot: Death, Reversed - resistance to change, unable to move on (starting to feel like this card is referring to me asking the question rather than answering it) – YES ANYWAY(#GoldenSaucer4Life) – Incorrect 
8-Ball: "Very doubtful" - NO – Correct

Will Beyond Good and Evil 2 be announced?

(FF7 remake has a better chance)

Coin: Tails - NO – Correct
Tarot: Priestess, Reversed - hidden agendas, refusal to listen to oneself - NO – Correct
8-Ball: "Outlook good" – YES – Incorrect 

Will Platinum Games announce another revolutionary genre-defining masterpiece that will get overlooked by the gaming press once again?

(Much as I love Platinum, I have reservations about Scalebound that I may write about some other time, but for now, with Bayonetta 2 also in the pipeline, let’s just say yes)

Coin: Tails – NO – Incorrect 
Tarot: Devil, Reversed - breaking free, power reclaimed – YES – Correct 
8-Ball: "Ask again later" (goddamn prima donna 8-Ball) "It is certain" – YES – Correct 

Will David Cage be present and will he say "h'emotion" more than three times?

(David Cage was busy filming more uncomfortably long shower scenes this year)

Coin: Tails – NO – Correct 
Tarot: Empress, Reversed - creative block, dependence on others - (sounds like David Cage to me) YES – Incorrect 
8-Ball: "You may rely on it" – YES – Incorrect 

EA just announced that they would have six new games to show off at E3. Will even one of them be a new IP?

(EA didn’t have ANY new games, yet alone new IP, they even didn’t have two wireframe models to rub together) 

Coin: Heads – YES – Incorrect 
Tarot: Hanged Man, Upright - suspension, restriction – NO – Correct 
8-Ball: "Signs point to yes" – YES – Incorrect 

Will Half-Life 3 be revealed, followed by world peace, genetically modified flying pigs, and free milkshakes?

(haha, no)

Coin: Heads – YES – Incorrect 
Tarot: Temperance, Reversed - imbalance, lack of long term vision (seriously?) – NO – Correct 
8-Ball: "Very doubtful" - NO – Correct

Rumours abound of Resident Evil 7, but I think what we'd all really like to know is if the critically acclaimed industry darling Dino Crisis is finally getting the attention it deserves?

(Still no Dino Crisis, maybe Capcom will listen to me if I act like a shrill baby and harass their employees) 

Coin: Heads – YES – Incorrect 
Tarot: Chariot, Reversed - lack of control, aggression - NO – Correct
8-Ball: "Better not tell you now" (I will drain out your blue dye and drink it in front of you one day) "It is decidedly so" – YES – Incorrect 

Is it true that Project Beast is actually an elaborate red herring to distract us from From Software's true reveal: Metal Wolf Chaos 2?

(We’ll have to settle for Bloodborne)

Coin: Heads – YES – Incorrect 
Tarot: Sun, Reversed - temporary depression, lack of success - NO – Correct
8-Ball: "Most likely" – YES – Incorrect 

Will Capcom announce a new Mega Ma-ahahahaha, ahhh, sorry sorry *ahem*. Will Capcom announce a new Mega Man? *snicker*

(Mega Man disappointment sustains my lifeforce)

Coin: Tails - NO – Correct
Tarot: Wheel of Fortune, Upright - Good luck, destiny, turning point – YES – Incorrect 
8-Ball: "It is certain" – YES – Incorrect 

They've been stringing us along for ages -- after months of teasers and subtle hints could we be on the verge of finally getting our first look at Tractor Simulator 2015?

(Actually...yes. I have no idea how to react when my joke questions come true)

Coin: Tails - NO – Incorrect
Tarot: Lovers, Upright - love, union – YES – Correct 
8-Ball: "Very doubtful" - NO – Incorrect

Will Capcom announce Devil May Cry 5 followed by one whole minute of deep apology bowing?

(They’ll come around...)

Coin: Heads – YES – Incorrect 
Tarot: The Fool, Upright - beginnings, innocence, spontaneity – YES – Incorrect 
8-Ball: "Don't count on it" - NO – Correct


Will Kotaku try their damndest to make a sexism controversy out of something? 

(Holy shit did they ever, wish I had mentioned Polygon in the question too, as far as I’m concerned they’re the same thing now.)

Coin: Tails – NO – Incorrect  
Tarot: Moon, Upright - illusion, fear, insecurity (that’s our Kotaku) – YES – Correct 
8-Ball: “Without a doubt” – YES – Correct 

AND THE WINNER IS................

Coin – 19
Tarot – 29
8-Ball – 22

Tarot Cards! JoJo! Persona! Other things that use tarot motifs! Psychics too I suppose! Yaaaaaaay!
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9:10 AM on 01.27.2014

First, we discovered that the clouds and bushes in Super Mario Bros. were using the same sprite. 

Later, mankind theorised that the entirety of Super Mario Bros 3. was actually a stage play.

And now, I have unearthed the next “it was there all along” revelation of the Mario universe; Toad is Middle Eastern. Sort of, I mean, he’s not from the actual Middle East or Arab or anything, he’s a mushroom, but just roll with me here. 

Reason #1 – Look at Him

I feel like either I’m the only person in the world who sees this or everybody else in the world is aware of it and just never mentions it; but Toad’s design is heavily based on Arabic culture. When I was little I always wondered why Toad wore the same outfit as Disney’s Aladdin, but looking at it now I see that Toad is completely decked out in Arabic garb, not only is he wearing an Arabian vest and harem trousers (actually what they’re called), but the real cinchier was when I realised that his mushroom cap is supposed to be evocative of a turban. 

Reason # 2 – World 2 is Always a Desert. 

To date, the second worlds in Super Mario Bros. 2, Super Mario Bros. 3, New Super Mario Bros., New Super Mario Bros. Wii, New Super Mario Bros. 2, Paper Mario, Paper Mario: Sticker Star, New Super Mario Bros. U and Super Mario 3D World have all been desert themed. Assuming that Mario takes the shortest route possible to Bowers domain this indicates that the Mushroom Kingdom encapsulates or borders vast expanses of desert land, given how early in the game you visit I’m betting it’s the former, this means that the Mushroom Kingdom must integrate and share much of the land’s culture and people. 

Reason # 3 – Mushroom Royalty 

These fine gentlemen are the Mushroom Kings, appearing in Super Mario Bros. 3 as the lords presiding over the Mushroom Kingdom. You may notice than they all have dark complexions and several of them dress in style reminiscent of Middle Eastern nobility, except for the Viking and...um, potato? Let’s just assume they rule over the vassal states. Were that not to convince you enough have a look at this fellow...

That is the Mushroom King, the Mushroom King, as in Peach’s father. Appearing occasionally in the comics as a bumbling fool, this is the closest we've gotten to any sort of official word on big daddy mushroom himself, and as you may notice, he’s a goddamn sultan! In fact, it’s becoming more and more evident that Peach and Daisy are the odd ones out when it comes to the Mushroom aristocracy.

Reason #4 – Doki Doki Panic

Doki Doki Panic was the basis for what we in the west knew as Super Mario Bros. 2, what was originally an Arabian Nights themed platformer was reskinned to become a Mario game, and since Mario games were already surrealist nonsense very few changes needed to be made beyond inserting familiar characters. Toad replaced Papa, a squat man wearing an Arabian vest, harem trousers (again, actually what they’re called) and a turban, sound familiar? I’m not saying Toad is a rip-off, he was created first, more likely is that they wear similar clothes because vests were an easy way to distinguish the arms of a character, much like Mario’s overalls. The point is, Toad already looked exactly like his Middle Eastern counterpart, and the fact that Nintendo haphazardly smashed an Arabian Nights themed game into the Mario world doesn’t exactly hurt my case. 

Reason #5 – Nobody Cosplays Toad because it Looks Racist. 

It becomes shockingly obvious when you stretch Toad out to human proportions that this character is Middle Eastern. Anybody cosplaying as Toad is put in the unfortunate position of being mistaken for a genie by anyone outside the gaming community. 

Reasons #6 #7 #8 – So Many Other Things!

Am I the only one seeing this!? What about the Dryites from Paper Mario? What about the pyramids that appear in so many levels? Are Shy Guys supposed to be female Toads in burkas!? Okay, no, that one was stupid, but you can’t deny the irrefutable evidence that Toad, and evidently, much of the Mushroom Kingdom, are thematically and allegorically Arabic.
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