So I heard Thanksgiving is this week in Americaland. I was going to write a blog about things in games I’m thankful for but then I realised that would be a bad idea because

(a) I really like games and I would go on forever.
(b) I’ve never celebrated Thanksgiving before and don’t know what it is (it’s about you guys committing genocide or something right?)
(c) Its more fun to be a dick and complain anyway.

So with that in mind I set out to write about things that we shouldn’t be thankful for, things that we should in fact hate and get rid of in gaming. And that’s how Hatesgiving was born. A time for us to moan and whinge about all the little things that annoy us, no matter how stupid or immature our reasons are, and without rebuttal or debate. It’s kind of like Rapture, only instead of a city under the sea, it’s a holiday I made up. So in the spirit of acting like an ungrateful complainy-pants, let us order take-away, isolate ourselves from our family and grumble about things we don’t like.

Unpauseable cut scenes.



The cut scene. A way to get in a bit of story, a chance for a breather, a little reward for a job well done, everybody loves a cut scene. But how many times has this happened to you? You’re enjoying a cut scene, cool things are happening, important plot points are brought up and just as things get interesting....... BAM! Your phone rings, there’s a knock at the door, someone interrupts you asking where they left their keys. Your left with two options, you can either half listen to the person, keeping one eye on the screen, and have them feel ignored, or you can skip it, and thanks to the magic that is auto-save you spend the rest of the game wondering what happened and confused as to how you ended up fighting a giant spider on the roof of a church. Is it that hard to make cut scenes pauseable? Uncharted and Metal Gear did it.

Literal brown town.

Please for the love of God stop using brown and grey as the only colours games. Where this idea that brown and grey makes a game look realistic come from? The real world isn’t like that, in fact just take five seconds and look out the nearest window right now, don’t worry, I’ll wait..............finished? Good, now did you see that? Did you see the blue sky and the green grass and the yellow sun? Just take a short walk and you’ll find a symphony of colour assaulting your eyes. And while I’m on this rant I might as well mention lens flare. Why is there lens flare when I look at the sun in games when there isn’t even a real camera?

Magic magazines.

You know, when you fire a few shots from your gun and when you reload all the bullets in the clip are still added to your total. I always thought it would be a much more tense experience to know that every bullet counts. Wouldn’t it be an interesting mechanic to have to make tactical decisions like wasting ammo for the security of a fully loaded gun or saving ammo at the cost of risking a reload in the middle of battle?

American accents in Fantasyland.

Ok, now I can understand why this happens, most games are made or translated by Americans so naturally there’s going to be some accents here and there and most of the time it works. But when a game is set in some fantasy setting it’s just confusing and takes you out of it, or there are the cases of games that go to great lengths to make the world feel real and unique, and the main character will still have an American accent which is even more jarring. Seriously, why does the prince of Persia have an American accent.

Amnesia.



Oh amnesia, where would lazy writers be without you? Amnesia is a special plot device that writers use when they don’t want characters to be interesting or developed, it’s the reason they have no personality and it’s an excuse to teach the killing machine your playing as how to jump . It can also be used for a big reveal where you learn that you worked for the bad guys before your bump on the noggin or that one of the other characters is actually your secret relative. Which brings me to...............

Secret relatives.



Maybe it was fresh and original when we found out that Darth Vader was Luke’s Dad but surely this has been done to death by now. From Golbez to Liquid Snake to Andrew Ryan this has happened in games so many times that it’s almost at the point of self parody (in fact I think it was parodied in No More Heroes). The thing I don’t understand is why does it matter? Is it just drama for dramas sake? If someone was trying to kill you, made your life a living hell or interfered with your mission every step of the way, wouldn’t you want to beat the life out of them? If you found out they were your twin wouldn’t you still want punch them right in their stupid identical face?

Floaty sticky back swords.



Alright, at first this was just one of those little things that bothered me a little bit, but as time goes on the more I see it the more it winds me up. I’m talking of course about floaty sticky back swords. For those of you that don’t know floaty sticky back swords are the weapons that magically float or stick to your characters back completely unassisted by any type of sheath or holster. There are theories as to how these weapons stay afloat, such as, the same invisible force that holds Cloud hair in place also holds his sword, Dante’s weapons are held on his back by sheer awesomeness, and the ever popular hypothesis of Nathan Drake and his magnetic spine. Yes this is finicky infantile nit-picking but that’s what Hatesgiving is all about

Phew, there we go. Childish self-indulgent rant over. I may not understand Thanksgiving but I still want you guys to have a good time, and if any of the stuff above is your biggest problem, then you really do have a lot to be thankful for. So join in on the Hatesgiving festivities and air your grievances below, don’t worry, we won’t judge.

I think it’s safe to say everyone here loves games. I for one love them with a passion, there is not a day that goes by without me at least thinking about games. But that’s not to say that loving them has always been easy, there have been times when I just had to sit back and evaluate this hobby of ours and see if it was worth continuing down this path. These are the moments that almost made me quit gaming, some of them were confusing, some of them were embarrassing, and some of them scarred me for life. Of course gaming came out on top in the end, but like a skier who broke their leg in an accident, I found it hard to take the plunge and push myself down the mountain again. Once I did I remembered why I love games but those moments still stuck with me. These are the moments that made me question gaming.

Resident Evil: The first zombie.

This was the first time in my life I questioned games, up until this point it had been nothing but kid friendly plumbers and blue hedgehogs. I was going to sleep over at my friend’s house and we had decided to rent out a game, after hearing my brothers friends raving about Resident Evil we thought we’d give it a shot. We played trough the game, unaware of the horrible dialogue we were hearing, and all was well..... until we got to the first zombie. That thing scared the hell out of us. We just looked at each other and turned the console off, and we took the game out of ps1 just to be sure it wouldn’t get us in our sleep (because in our young minds that made sense).


This still sends shivers down my spine.

In the morning we decided it was safe to play again because it was bright outside and therefore the game couldn’t get us......... we made it as far as the dog jumping through the window. That first zombie terrified me so much that I was honestly too afraid to play another resident evil until 5.

Celebrity Deathmatch: The Game.

Remember my brother and his friends I mentioned in the last entry? Well they didn’t grow up to be the biggest successes in the world, but they did give me access to a lot of games over the years. You see, every once in a while they would buy a game then go to my brothers room to play it, and after smoking copious amounts of illegal substances they would leave the house completely forgetting they had bought a game, leaving me the opportunity to scavenge it like some kind gaming racoon. One such game was Celebrity Deathmatch: The Game.


Detrimental to your health.

This game was so bad it actually made me sick, physically sick! Honest to God, I’m not even joking when I say that this game was so utterly rubbish that it gave me severe stomach cramps. It was a stupid, puerile, unenjoyable piece of filth. You’d think that a game where you can play as Mr.T and beat Tommy Lee to death would have some kind of camp value, but no, there is no fun to be had....... only pain. It made me question games in that I thought I may never be able to enjoy them again on a mental or physical level. Fortunately this was not the case, it was just this one atrocious, appalling, repulsive game.

Final Fantasy X: The laughing scene.

I bought Final Fantasy X for my shiny new ps2 thinking I was about to experience something incredible, “Final Fantasy X!” I thought to myself “They always have the best stories, and the best characters, and now this one has voices”. Now don’t get me wrong, FFX is a perfectly fine game, not my favourite of the series, but still quite good. Everything up to that point was OK (except blitzball), but that scene was excruciating, it was just embarrassing to watch.


Won’t somebody please stop the laughing!?

“This is it?” I thought “This is the astonishing next-gen experience that that will define a generation?” I considered that if this was the best games had to offer then maybe I was done. I sat there and gritted my teeth through five unskippable minutes of Tidus screaming AHH HAW HAW HAW HAW HAW HAW!!!!! Luckily when my ears stopped bleeding I continued to play and found the game to be worth my while. But that one incredibly awkward moment nearly pushed me over the edge.


Metal Gear Solid 2: pretty much the whole last quarter.

My train of thought during the last quarter of Metal Gear Solid 2 went something like this.

Oh my God what’s going on the president just grabbed my crotch and then told me to shoot him then Otacon said that he slept with his stepmother while his dad committed suicide and now I’m naked running around Arsenal Gear and the Colonel told me to turn of the console then Rose said that she’s pregnant in a robot voice and then disappeared and then Snake said that he had infinite ammo is his bandana and now I’m fighting twenty Metal Gear Rays and now they’re all crazy so Solidus is killing them with his robot tentacles and Ocelot shot Fortune and now Liquid is coming out of his arm and shooting bombs at us and diving off in a giant robot and Snake is chasing him and we’re crashing into the roof of Federal Hall and Solidus says he killed my parents and the Colonel and Rose have been shouting at me and calling me stupid for about twenty minutes now and I’ve killed Solidus in a sword fight and Snake is giving me a confusing speech about reality and Rose is in the crowd somehow and she’s not being mean anymore and Otacon says the Patriots have all been dead for a hundred years and I DON’T WANNA PLAY GAMES ANYMORE!!!


WHAT IS HAPPENING!?!?

And that’s about it. When a skier breaks his leg he may find it hard to take the plunge and push himself down the mountain again but once he does he remembers why he loved it in the first place. Thankfully none of these moments were enough to make me stop for good and I couldn’t be happier that I kept gaming for many reasons (including destructiod).

P.S. I’ve noticed that a lot of my recent blogs have included Resident Evil, Final Fantasy or Metal Gear. Please bear with me as I’m fairly sure this is just a coincidence and they just happened to fit into the topics I chose...... either that or I’m a one trick horse and everything I write will go down because all I ever do is talk about the same games.

Hey you. Yes you. The one with the low self-esteem. Tired of seeing game characters that are fitter than you? Has all that doubling down taken you to round town? Well worry no more because with the gaming diet you can gain the figure of your favourite game characters.

We offer a wide range of diet plans modelled on gaming stars. All you have to do is choose the character whose build you like best and (for a very reasonable price) we will set you on the course to achieving your dream body.

Terms and conditions apply. All diets may cause physical or emotional distress, internal damage, bleeding of the rectum and/or death.

The Fallout diet.

It’s the diet of the future! Don’t those wastelanders look thin? The Fallout diet consists mostly of century old preserved food and Nuka Cola. Not to mention local delicacies like iguana on a stick, squirrel stew, mole rat meat and all the irradiated toilet water you can drink. If you live good for you, if you die at least you’ll leave a beautiful corpse.

Side effects may include – Radiation poisoning, loss of the will to live.


The Resident Evil diet.

Comes in two delectable varieties. Z-licious Zombie and Roided Redfield Raspberry. We’ve all craved the sweet tang of human flesh every now and then, and now with the Z-licious Zombie diet you finally have an excuse. If you prefer the biceps-bigger-than-your-head look, you need Roided Redfield Raspberry. Containing mostly raspberries, raw eggs, Jill sandwiches and plenty of “herbs” that totally aren’t steroids.

Side effects may include – Pasty complexion, death or extreme bouts of rage, shrinkage


Who cares if you’re dead when you look this good!

The Pac Man diet.

Back to basics! Pac Man’s so thin he doesn’t even have a body. How does he maintain this figure you ask? A strict regime of dots, the occasional cheery and ghosts. That’s right ghosts, they’ve got no calories, no carbohydrates, no fat, no protein, no taste, no use, no purpose and no value. Yum!

Side effects may include – Hallucinations of ghosts brought on by starvation.


The Quina diet.

You know what tastes good? EVERYTHING. Not everyone wants to be stick thin and that’s where the Quina diet comes in. You just gotta try everything. Grass, rocks, sand, monsters, Lindblum pickles, oglops, a lot of frogs and pretty much anything else you come across. Follow this diet and you too can become an a-sexual blob monster thing just like him/her/it/what the fuck is that thing?

Side effects may include – Extreme stomach cramps, talking in broken English.


What are you??? It’s like Mr. Blobby spawned with a lickitung.

The Streets of Rage diet.

Would you believe people throw out perfectly good chicken? Seriously, entire roast chickens, still warm and everything. Thing is, you’re going to have to beat up tons of gang members and poor people to get that chicken. This starts a vicious cycle of events in which you’ll go from chicken to fight to chicken and so on. This constant stream of protein and exercise will get you in shape, the downside being that eventually you’ll have to fight your way through a mansion or skyscraper and kill the kingpin boss and/or mayor to break the cycle.

Side effects may include – Salmonella, gang warfare.


The Chie diet.

Chie likes steak.......a lot. That’s how she keeps her fabulous physique. With the Chie diet you’ll eat all her favourite foods including steak, Junes grilled steak, steak kabobs, super steak croquettes, and of course fillet, fillet, fillet mignon. As well as delicious treats like meat gum. If you think this sounds unhealthy, you should remember that Chie can KICK GIANT ROBOTS INTO THE STRATOSPHERE.

Side effects may include – Clogged arteries, pathological need to kick things, occasional trips to the meat dimension.


STEAK!!!!!!

The Prototype diet.

Got no conscience? Then we got no problem! The Prototype diet is a little sketchy from an ethical standpoint seeing as it’s composed mostly of........people. But hey, you can’t argue with the results. The beauty of the Prototype diet is you are what you eat.......literally! Jealous of that pretty boy at work? Eat him! Like that lady’s sense of style? Eat her! Ever wonder what it’s like to be a badger? Eat one!

Side effects may include – Gravely voice, unnecessary revenge.


The Big Boss diet.

Mother Nature provides you with all you need. The Big Boss diet is unique in that instead of spending your money on healthy foods and workouts for you, we spend it on a luxury helicopter ride over the jungle. At which point we kick you out and let you fend for yourself with only a knife, a bandana, a mullet and your wits. You’ll get to try all types of exotic foods like snakes, tree frogs, glowing mushrooms, pet parrots, and crocodiles........... To this day no one has survived the Big Boss diet.

Side effects may include – Death by elite squads of exploding people, government conspiracies.


D’aaaaaaaawww...

And there it is. Be sure to tell us of any other game characters you want the shape of and we can make it happen for you. True beauty is on the inside but that doesn’t mean your outside can’t look good too!

Like many of you I’ve been playing games from a very young age. Throughout that time I picked up many values, morals, and methods that I’ve tried to apply to my everyday life. A lot of them......don’t work. So for both your education and entertainment I have compiled a list of reoccurring game mechanics and ideals that you should never employ in real life.

#1 – You can’t jump on all your problems.

Some of the first games I played were classics like Sonic and Mario Bros, games where all obstacles or problems are overcome by one thing..... jumping on them. Playing them at such a young age instilled this principal into my little mind until I learned how useless it is a while ago in college. We were asked to write 1500 words on the Hawthorne experiments, at first I panicked but then I remembered what games had thought me........ the lecturer was not impressed when I handed him a sheet of paper with a shoeprint on it.


This is not productive.

When does it work? – When your bin is full.

#2 – Nobody likes a silent protagonist.

Silent protagonists. They’ve got it all. They save the world, they go on adventures, they get the girl (or guy) in the end, and they do it all without having to talk to anyone. I admired this lifestyle and set out to make it my own. I can tell you now that it’s quite hard to get by in life while not talking to anyone. Nobody’s going to think you’re the strong silent type, they’ll think you’re creepy raper type. Honestly, try getting the girl (or guy) without talking. You’ll be arrested.


Hey Gordon. Say nothing if I’m awesome..... Aww thanks.

When does it work? – When you talk to the deaf.

#3 – Time does not heal all wounds.

A staple of the FPS genre, healing yourself by staying still and not being shot for a while has been a lifesaver in many games. It is very important you remember that this doesn’t work in real life. One day in town certain events led to me splitting my head open, worried civilians crowded around me, possibly worried about my severe blood loss. “Don’t worry about it.” I said as I crouched behind the nearest wall “I’ll be fine in a minute.” That’s all I remember before I fainted.....


This is not a substitute for medical attention.

When does it work? – When the wounds are emotional.

#4 – Free running is hard.

Free running is the hot shit in gaming these days. Why spend time and resources programming a driving system when you can just make the hero jump across the city. Prototype, Infamous, Assassins Creed, Mirrors Edge, all of them make it look like a piece of piss. I can assure you it is not. Remember that story about me splitting my head open......yeah, guess how that happened.


Turns out this is hard to do.

When does it work? – If sliding down the banister counts as free running.

#5 – Stealth is not as easy as it looks.

Most games would have you believe stealth involves nothing more than keeping your back to the wall and sometimes crouching over a bit. Real stealth involves years of training, dedication and sometimes crouching over a bit. Even Metal Gear, the game that does stealth right, can’t be applied to real life. In my experience walking around in a cardboard box is much more likely to get you seen, although you will get a few of those question mark things.


Years of practice.

When does it work? – If you hide in a bush, dressed as a bush, in a field of bushes...... then it’s pretty easy.

#6 – Real fights aren’t turn based.

I learned this one the hard way. One night outside a pub I was confronted by a man who clearly had too much to drink. He accused me of robbing his phone and demanded that we fight. Of course at this time I was still trying out the whole silent protagonist thing so I couldn’t tell him that he was wrong. He punched me in the face, then he punched me again. “Oww, what the fuck, it’s my turn!” I said breaking my vow of silence. He continued to hit me as I curled into a ball on the floor, wondering when my turn would come. With every kick and punch I felt myself get angrier and angrier. Now, anyone who’s ever played an RPG knows what this anger meant. I got to my feet and at the top of my voice screamed “LIMIT BREAAAAAK” and then kicked him in the crotch. I didn’t get any experience points either because I ran away.


Notice how they don’t wait for a bar to fill before they punch.

When does it work? – When you’re Brad Nicholson and you go first.

So there you have it. What about you? Have you found something in games worth living by? Let me know in the comments. As for me, I’m going to keep searching. I know that somewhere out there is a game that I can apply to my life. Next on the list is something called Manhunt 2, I wonder what that’s like.......

If you ever find yourself in a game, this comprehensive guide will show you how to not die a horrible, horrible death. For those of you that don’t know (shame on you) NPCs are Non Playable Characters, the extras of the gaming world.

We’ve all played games and thought how much fun it would be to be a protagonist, but have you ever wondered just how bloodcurdlingly terrifying it would be to be an NPC. Death awaits you around every corner, main characters, villains, bosses...... all of them want you dead. But worry no more, because with this extensive guide, you sir or madam can avoid a horrific painful demise.

Tip #1 – Avoid New York at all costs.

New York, Liberty City, Empire City, umm.... Metro town, whatever they call it you must never go there. If you already live there follow this advice carefully. Get in your car and drive. Don’t pack any belongings..... you won’t need them where you’re going. Don’t stop driving for anything, not for red lights, not for electric men, and not for people with pointy arms. And above all else..... avoid eastern European men in tracksuits.


The daily commute is a bitch too...

Tip #2 – Never stand near glass.

No seriously....don’t. It is a well known fact that any NPC that stands behind a window or glass wall is most likely going to die in a very unpleasant way. You need to be especially careful of this in horror games. Most of the time the protagonist will just stand there and watch. You see, horror glass isn’t like regular glass, horror glass releases a pheromone that attracts monsters, zombies, dinosaurs and the like. And it’s reinforced so the hero can watch you die and not feel guilty about not helping.


The best example I can find despite this happening in countless games.

Tip #3 – Protagonist assessment.

One must take the upmost care when a protagonist is in the area. Many times a game will force a protagonist into a moral dilemma. These tests of character will set them down a path of either saintly righteousness or basterdly debauchery. Examine their appearance and attitude before coming within reach of them. If they are friendly, clean cut or accompanied by the singing of a church choir then they may be approachable. If they are scowling, covered in blood or their eyes glow red like the scream of a thousand souls ........you should probably run.




Tip #4 – Mind your manners.

Never address a main character. Most main characters are on a power trip and would just as soon kill you as they would look at you. If someone bumps into you or verbally abuses you .......just leave it. Don’t respond with insults, don’t tell them how unattractive they are, and don’t remind them that their mother is a notorious whore. Keep your head down, your mouth shut, don’t make eye contact and try to wear neutral colours.


This will not end well.....

Tip #5 – Stalk the heroes.

Just.....follow them around. They’re never in the town when it gets destroyed. A good choice is to become a merchant or blacksmith, if possible a travelling merchant or blacksmith would be ideal. This way you can follow the heroes around on their adventures and stay out of danger. As long as you provide a useful service you won’t die no matter how much you annoy the piss out of them.... and if you wait outside a boss fight you can charge as much as you like.


You can’t put a price on life.

Tip#6 – If possible, get large breasts.

I know it’s sexist and juvenile, but this is about survival. And unfortunately this is a key survival tactic for female NPCs. Having large breasts will prevent bad guys from killing you, the downside being that they will kidnap you instead. It also motivates the hero to rescue you, again the downside being that they will expect something in return (but you’re classier than that). It’s insulting and stupid but sadly effective. Why do you think Aries died and Tifa lived?


I know your rolling your eyes but trust me..... they’re life savers.

And there you have it, your key to survival. Make them your bible, your code, your creed and there’s a chance you might live for more than five minutes.So..... any more advice? Did I miss anything? What would you do to survive the NPC life? Let me know in the comments.

I hate my job. Hard work, long hours, low wages and bad company. But this is the life I chose.... the life of a Mini–boss.

The other day a friend asked me “So what exactly do you guys do?” it was then I noticed how hard it is to put it into words. I pondered his question for a moment and decided on an answer “Well, basically we just wait around for a protagonist, then they beat us up and we have the rest of the day off.” As the words left my mouth I realised how stupid it all sounded. “Tell me about some famous Mini–bosses.” He asked. “.....There isn’t any.” I replied....... I went home early that night.

I lay in bed, starring at the ceiling trying to remember how I got into this business. Ever since I was a child I wanted to be a boss. Not a final boss, no, too much responsibility, but more like a right hand man or the fan favourite kind of boss. As a teen my bedroom wall was littered with posters of the Turks and Psycho Mantis. “Now they had class” I thought to myself. “But me, what do I do..... I’m just a Mini–boss.”.......... I didn’t get much sleep that night.


The highlight of my career.

I remember my first day on the job. I was just a henchman then but I was so excited. I waited at my guard area for what felt like hours, unable to sit still. Then I got my first look at one. A protagonist. It was like he came out of nowhere, within seconds most of my team was on the floor. I charged at him head first and hit him with one of my two attack moves, but I was down before I knew it. After a couple of years one of the higher ups said he recognised my potential and I was promoted to Mini–boss. I was happy...... I thought I was on the way up.

A few months in and I was loving it. More responsibility, more action .........more attack moves. Then it happened. I beat one, I beat a protagonist. I was triumphant, thrilled with myself, I couldn’t wipe the grin off my face. Surely this was it, the promotion to boss wouldn’t be far off now, I’d need a new outfit, maybe a theme, I wondered if my polygon count would go up. Then everything went black. When I came round I was back at the start of the fight, both of us had full health bars. The bastard had hit “retry”.


We took this at the Christmas party. Ocelot would talk the ear off you if you let him.

I had pushed it to the back of my mind but that was the day I started to comprehend how pointless my job is. We’re a dying breed, a relic of the retro age. Half the time the only thing that distinguishes me from my own grunts is that I’m a little bigger, or sometimes a different colour. I thought I had the makings of a boss but the damn executives limit me to like 5 moves and a health bar that’s only slightly larger than normal. I’m an obstacle at best and a nuisance at worst. There’s no place for us in the industry anymore.

But what else can I do? I’m to unique to be a NPC, I don’t have the connections to be a support team character and I don’t have the patience to be a Summon. I hate my job, but this is the life I chose.... the life of a Mini–boss.