In my last blog, ZeroTolo dropped a link to NowAlwaysRight. I just wasted 3 hours of my life reading through dozens of pages filled with funny horror stories of people in retail dealing with retards and assdicks. Here's a sampling of a few:

(A man of at least 80 years of age came up to my checkout lane. Here’s what happened as I was bagging his last item.)
Me: “Man, I just don’t think this is gonna fit in here.”
Customer, completely straight-faced: “That’s what she said.”
Me: “I’m sorry?”
Customer, still straight-faced: “That’s what she said.”
(Needless to say, I nearly died of laughter. If there were only more grandfathers like that out there.)

(A customer approaches one of my cashiers holding two children’s t-shirts with identical logos one boys and one girls. We were having a liquidation sale and all boys’ clothing was 40% off while girls’ clothing was 50% off.)
Customer: “What’s the discount on these?”
Cashier: “One is 40% off and the other is 50% off.”
Customer: “Why are they different?”
Cashier: “One is girls and one is boys.”
Customer: “I don’t understand… what’s the difference between girls and boys?”
Cashier: *without even skipping a beat* “Boys have a penis and girls have a vagina.”
(Cue the entire checkout line laughing.)

(A woman walks up to my blackjack table, and sits down without putting any money up for her bet. I assume she’s waiting for the end of the shoe.)
Woman: “How come I didn’t get a hand?”
Me: “I’m sorry, you didn’t have your bet up when the cards came out. I’ll get you on the next.”
(When I get ready to deal the next, I tap the bet box in front of her.)
Me: “You comin’ in?”
Woman: “Yes.”
Me: “It’s a fifteen dollar table.”
Woman: “What?”
Me: “Table minimum is fifteen.”
Woman: “I have to pay to play?”
Me: “Well, if you win, I’ll give you fifteen more and you get to keep all of it.”
Woman: “What happens if I don’t win?”
Me: “At that point it becomes the casino’s money.”
Woman: “That’s stealing!”
Me: “No, that’s gambling.”

Me: “Okay, that’ll be $2.00.”
Customer: *shocked* “What? The sign said $1.85! How can it be $2.00?”
Me: “Yeah, $1.85 plus 15 cents for tax.”
Customer: *sighs loudly and opens up her Chanel bag to take two dollars out of her Gucci wallet*

Coworker: “Tech support, how can I help you?”
Customer: “I need LSD for my son. You have that, right?”
Coworker: “Uh?”
Customer: “You know, that high speed internet thing…”
Coworker: *trying not to laugh* “You mean DSL?”

(Standing in line behind a tourist, while she is getting rung up.)
Cashier: “Aloha, how are you today?”
Tourist: “Oh, I’m sorry, I don’t speak Spanish. Could you talk in English please?”
Cashier: “Hello, how are you today?”
Tourist: “Fine, we just flew here from America today.”
(The cashier rings up the tourist’s few items.)
Cashier: “That will be twenty five dollars and eighty five cents.”
Tourist: “Do you take American money here? I only have American money. I have not been able to get to the currency exchange yet.”
Cashier: “Ma’am, we are in the United States. We take dollars here.”
Tourist: “Oh really? You take this money?” *holds up her $20 bill*
Cashier: “Yes, ma’am, those are dollars, and being a US state we do accept those.”
Tourist: “Well that’s very nice of you to accept foreign money.”
Cashier: *puzzled* “Mahalo, have a great day!”
Tourist: *under her breath* “I told her I didn’t speak Spanish!”

[Side note: Polo Guy was in Hawaii recently and was pissing off all the locals by saying shit like "Wow, this place looks just like America" and "WOW YOU USE AMERICAN MONEY HERE?!"]

(I get a lot of funny calls, and most of the time, I can stay calm and professional through the call. This is the only one I’ve had where I needed to hit the ‘mute’ button. Thankfully, he was talking about the website–I eventually needed to dispatch a tech.)
Me: “Thanks for calling Internet Tech Support, Emily speaking.”
Customer: “Yeah, I was looking at this porn site, and now I can’t get it up anymore.”
Me: “…”

Me: “Hi, how can I help you sir?”
Customer: “Do you guys sell pallets?”
Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but we don’t.”
Customer: “… but there’s a whole bunch behind your store just sitting there.”
Me: “Yes, but we reuse those. We don’t sell them.”
Customer: “Well, is it illegal if I steal one of them?”
Me: “Repeat what you just said to yourself.”
Customer: *thinks for a second* “Oh.”

I need to start submitting stuff to this site, heh.

[Picture via hey okay]