Masturbation. Perhaps the greatest pastime there is. Recently I got to thinking how I could maximise my self-loving sessions to gain the absolute highest order of pleasure and I arrived at an obvious conclusion, combine it with gaming!

But this raises a curious dilemma: How can one polish the rocket whilst being on top of the game. So here I have analysed some gaming systems to try and reach a conclusion as to what is the best machine for playing with yourself AND a collection of electronic 1s and 0s coursing through our machines of choice.

One of the primary issues here will be the control mechanism, and how it does or does not leave you free to stroke the bishop. Another issue will be how much concentration is left for one task or another. To begin with I will take a look at the PS3.

PS3



As with all standard controllers of the day the SIXAXIS is wireless. This provides a large amount of mobility and movement for the player and enables him to casually discard the device to muster up a warm batch of man batter without having to worry about dealing with wire tangle.

However the layout of the controller requires the use of both hands for maximum gaming potential meaning that the favoured hand must be able to quickly move between the controller and the crotch quickly, making best use of match searches and re-spawn timers. The PS3s library of games caters to many audiences but due to the lacklustre variety of online multiplayer games (barring war hawk), it is often used for offline campaign game play (drakes fortune). Because of this pausing is a viable option. For the best masturbatory experience I would recommend using this feature with this system as you can then devote 100% of your attention to the task at hand, and wank yourself silly.

Another benefit of all offline story games is cutscenes. These are portions of a game where control is taken from the player in order to tell the story. These periods are perfect for polishing the pike. However, here we must tread carefully. The content of the cutscene in itself must be taken into consideration before one merrily downs ones zipper and lobs it out. For example if we are playing DMC4 and we meet Gloria we can happily knock one out whilst considering how she slays demons in that revealing dress. But if we are watching Eli Vance explain his relations to Gman we must resist going below the belt line, for then ones sexuality and/or fetishes comes into question and may cause internal conflict which may lead to something for a behavioural psychologist to go moist over.

Xbox360



The xbox360 controller is similar to the ps3 one in many regards although heavier and larger, the placement of the joysticks make it an asymmetrical deal. The 360 controller larger size and ergonomic design means it fits much more comfortably in the hand. This is a good thing as when we are choking the snake we need to be able to maintain a good grip on the device to assure the quickest possible re-equip for top gaming performance.

The 360 headset attaches to the controller via a wire that is connected to the bottom of the device, when using the controller the wire may become tangled in plumbing and could cause a very embarrassing situation indeed, ho! Microsoft tried to remedy this problem by introducing a wireless headset, to help us jack off without the worry of getting our nob in a knot. But unfortunately the new product is expensive and quite frankly, shit.

The 360 is often used by online screaming racial slurs across the internet multiplayer games which poses a problem. Is it appropriate to have a tug while being able to hear the slanderous comments of prepubescent males? Does that make you a paedophile?

No. But here you must make a personal decision as to how much you want to commit to furthering the skills of a master-baiter.

Nintendo Wii



The wii-mote and nun-chuck are curious devices. Their many configurations often allow for an entire hand to be completely free. AND (depending on chosen control schemes) can exercise your love hand for maximum wanking potential. It’s just like stretching before a run, and what with all the obviously sexually suggestive waggling motion controls it’s almost as if they intended for their hardware to beef up your tool of the trade.

However. The Wii has been flooded with a ton of ‘casual’ party games consisting of many small mini-games that are intended to be played with others. So it is not recommended that you explore your southern regions while enjoying a match of wario ware with family and friends.

Nintendo DS



This handheld device is another good choice for an expert of ejaculation (can you tell I’m struggling now?). Once again Nintendo has had the good sense to free up one hand, this time by way of the touch screen and stylus. The games favoured by the DS are usually slow paced and do not require quick reactions or pausing so if one should get an urge you can simply make use of the nifty power saving feature by closing the lid and use all of your energy towards killing thousands of your potential children.

The portability of this machine also means you can wank on the go. In the office. At a fancy restaurant. On a plane, train or bus.

Honourable mentions

PSP: The psp has games?
PC: unfortunately this machine uses mouse and keyboard controls, and fapping whilst gaming in this situation may cause irreversible damage to either one.

This analysis has looked at popular gaming systems to see if they can be used to multiply the 3 minute joy that is a nice fap. But I feel that I already know the perfect controller for the ultimate joygasmic experience :



He knows it too.

Thoughts, comments?