I just wanted to bang this out (that's what she said) while the hate was burned freshly into my mind. Teamkillers and snipers, your time is up. I was just enjoying a bout of Battlefield: Bad Company online when I met two of the most immature gamers I've had the displeasure of running across. Andre the Ent and Inkoso, I speak of you. When playing Conquest mode in BF: BC, some level of teamwork is important, so to have two chodestrokers that are not only on the same team as yourself, but in the same squad, really messes my groove up. The important thing to know about the squad feature in BF: BC is that, if you so choose, you can spawn in on a squadmate, thus keeping you in the action and allowing you to help your team out even more. Being teamkillers, these two donkeybonkers kept spawning in on me and killing me whilst I was trying to help the rest of the team triumph over the forces of evil. Their banter was subpar, as far as shit talk goes, but when combined with their actions of betrayal over and over, ad nauseum, it created a recipe for rage in my brainpan, and so my real mission began. Don't think for a second I won't turn on you, teamkillers, because I will. I will ruin your fun in any and every way possible. I don't care about rank, score, penalties; nothing matters more to me than fucking up your shit. I'll C4 the vehicle you're in, I'll call down the airstrike on your ass, I'll take an M249 and put two hundred rounds downrange on your person. Any game, any time, anywhere, I will hunt you down and kill you, then gloat over the mic about genitalia size, education level, current place of residence, whatever tickles my fancy. Teamkillers, be it in Halo, Gears of War, or Battlefield: Bad Company, I salute you with my middle finger pointing proudly.
That's not all, though, laddies and lasses. Ohhhhh no, there's another group that makes me squeeze the trigger a little tighter. I speak, of course, of snipers. Now, loving military strategy and gear, I know the sniper is a critical part of many missions, but gamers take the concept of sniping and rape it until it's bloated like Elvis before he died with their immature, infertile sperms. A sniper not only provides medium to long range support, he or she also serves as a crucial source of information, hence the title scout sniper. The sniper posts up in an advantageous spot and relays mission intel to the rest of the team, all the while dispatching the enemy swiftly and silently...or so it's supposed to go. In the gaming world, things aren't perfect, and those that choose to snipe seem to be especially keen on keeping a low kill/death ratio, not sharing enemy locals with those that need it most (like myself, since I usually play a support or infantry role), and when they speak it's only of how godly they are for getting a headshot or killing ten people in a row without being found. That's all well and good when they're on your team, and I seethe with anger when I'm the only person on a ten man team that isn't sniping, but when the other team is comprised ENTIRELY of snipers simply racking up kills and no one but myself on either team is attempting to capture control points, it's time to bring the thunder. You see, I almost never play the traditional role of counter-sniper; I will most certainly kill snipers, I hunt them down like a druggie tracks his next fix, but rarely will I abase myself enough to use a sniper rifle to kill an enemy sniper. Oh hohohoh no, I take special pleasure in finding diabolic ways to demolish your sorry asses. I'll take a shotgun or an SMG, possibly the least accurate weapons available in video games, and I will charge straight at you, laughing while you panic and miss me, or even better don't notice me at all. Once your corpse is wreathed in the spent shell casings I used to kill you, I'll ever so gently lower my testicles onto your face in that time-honoured tradition of defiance. I also love taking an LMG and spraying your position, or using a tank or some other heavy fire platform to call in Hell and watch you scatter like roaches from a freshly flipped log. If terrain deformation and destructible environs are at my command, I'll take away your cover and gambol in glee as you struggle to find a hidey hole from which to snipe. If you choose to be one of those useless sacks of that shit snipe simply because you have no skill with any other weapon, are greedy and don't care about benefitting the team, or are a grade A pansy and don't like dying, I'll be seeing you soon, and not through a scope with more than three times magnification either. If you happen to draw sights on me, you might notice that I'll be looking right at you, one hand on my weapon, the other held at a cocky angle slightly above my eyes. If all goes well, that will be the last thing you'll ever see.

P.S. Snipers and teamkillers, I'll say some nice things at the funeral, then I'll take your female significant other home and bang the daylights out of her. That's just how kind I am, and you're welcome.