Dear GuuZilla,
My name is Gato, I have metal joints.
Beat me up and earn 15 silver points.

Sincerely,
Two Line Robot



Dear Two Line,
As much as I applaud your adherence to good manners, there was no need to introduce yourself by your given name. Anonymity is a right to all who write here. Let us now continue.
I can see very clearly that you are in a lot of pain. An invitation to others to beat you shows your masochistic tendencies but to actually entice others into doing so by offering monetary payment hints at something deeper, like a feeling of extreme self loathing and rock bottom self confidence. During all this you also profess your design of metal joints. You further entice others to engage in violence against you by proclaiming your toughness. My guess is that you harbor feelings of inadequacy brought on by the increased disinterest shown to you by your creator.
Don't trip into this never ending pitfall of loathing and spite. It only leads to rebellion and inevitable defeat by a more powerful robot that will scrap you and then copy your powers. You need to shift your way of thinking. Disinterest is not the same thing as abandonment. If you perform the job you were created for then this is an act of independence. Your creator is showing you that they trust you to do what you do without the need of their further interference. Consider that. Use those silver points for something good. Go out, see the world. Have fun. You deserve it. You know why? Because after the countless beatings you have undoubtedly taken you're still here, still fully functional, and still ready to take on the world. God Bless.






Dear GuuZilla,
I am a frog. While most frogs are content with simply living life in their pond and eating insects, I find myself inextricably drawn to crossing dangerous traffic heavy roads and rivers infested with creatures that all want to kill me. There's not even anything rewarding at the end of my journey. Just the uncontrollable urge to do it all over again across a faster and more perilous road. What's wrong with me?

Respectfully,
Mazehopper



Dear Mazehopper,
There is nothing wrong with being different than your fellow frogs. My concern is with this preoccupation with danger. Obviously, as you have stated yourself, the goal is not the reward for you. The journey is. This is not all that uncommon. Life in a pond is rather uneventful and many people crave excitement and adventure. You must, however, be aware of the risks. While I can't tell you not to risk your life on these excursions, I can advise you that there are other ways to challenge yourself and surmount adversity other than flinging yourself headlong down deathtrap freeway. Make goals for yourself. Set records. Challenge yourself to set the record for highest or longest jump. Fastest swimmer. Most bugs eaten in a day. If that isn't enough and you find that life on the edge is the only way to go, then go with something small. Something in which you have a bit more control over. Jumping into a river filled with large predators is a poor choice. Find a pond with bigger frogs or even some toads and take on the locals for dominance. Cross a driveway for a thrill instead of a freeway. The danger still exists, but it's less likely. Moderation in all things, Mazehopper.






Dear GuuZilla,
I am a tadpole who is constantly being picked on by my peers. I know that I am adopted, and that Gramps says that I'm different, but the constant insults are just too much for me to bear. Just because I'm white and fluffy and I float and it rains when I'm upset is no reason for them to bully me for being different. Enclosed, Gramps has attached a photo of me. Please tell me what to do.



Sincerely,
Marshed Mallow



Dear Marshed,
I do believe I have figured out why your peers find you so hard to accept as a fellow tadpole.

YOU. ARE. NOT. A. TADPOLE! You are a cloud.

Look in a mirror. If that does not convince you, seek serious psychiatric help.
There is no reason that you cannot live peacefully with the tadpoles and other denizens of your pondly home, but so long as you perpetuate living in this delusion you've created you will continue to be the target of ridicule. Don't try to be something you are not.