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English bloke. Binge drinker and ASBO gamer. Player of old games and new, I like tattoos, strong drinks, loud music, Scottish sun sets and traveling. I am also Determined to convince people of the merits of Fox McCloud's' thousand yard stare.


I look like this in my mind:

I actually look like this:

Charlie Brown seemed like a accurate avatar, he teaches children life can really suck sometimes.

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PSN ID:Baboon_Baron
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For all your Ryu's, Forrest Law's and Ivy's there are some unsung heroes that also went for the warriors crown. Here are my top ten fighters who could'a been contenders if they'd only been given a fair chance.
Clay Fighter's Helga

A curvaceous opera singer from the great north made completely from clay, Helga had all that was needed to make it as a legendary fighter. When she isn't encouraging others to improve their body self image she would be performing moves such as the Arm pit of Doom and the Viking ram.
A strong independent woman with a nontraditional sexiness, Helga was let down mainly due to being stuck in a pretty crappy game. It's a shame as she was a great character.

Rakuga Kids 'Mamezo 

If you've got a N64 And don't have a copy of Rakuga Kids your really missing out on some absolutely mental fun. A cartoon beat em up based around the imaginations of children. And none of the characters sum up that brilliant idea quite as well as the villainous and bully character of Mamezo. A wild Machiavellian rogue with a kick ass green cape, he summons rockets and household items to assault the other characters.
But none of this compares to his taunt... He blatantly showing his buttocks to the player complete with wiggle. Nothing quite infuriates like a good ol' moon. Mamezo was a wonderful character, and it is with a sad heart he is remembered by only a few faithful to ridiculous slapstick violence.

Primal Rage's Sauron

Ahhhh Sauron, the god of hunger and thirst. According to your wiki your a "good guy" but as far as if can see your just a very large T-Rex. I suppose it wouldn't really be fair to have standard humans going up against a dinosaur, but it would still be nice to see this highly unoriginal member of the Primal Rage crew brought back for another violent romp. I would definitely shell out a couple of bucks to see a dino god tearing off Shang Tsung's head. Or actually just footage of Sauron doing basic household tasks would be plenty funny.

Virtua Fighter's Goh

YEAH! We definitely need more Virtua Fighter in our lives. And as an additional addendum we definitely need more goth fighters such as the mighty Goh. The assassin with a deep and profound love of the Cure, was always my favorite character, I like the way he stood out like a sore, clearly deranged thumb in the Virtua Fighter line up, let's hope he's cracking skulls again if there's ever another offering.

Ready to Rumble's "Big" Willie Johnson

Good show old bean! Nothing causes more enjoyment for me than a comedy Brit in a video game and "big" Willie Johnson might just be the best. Rubbish at fighting but hilarious to use, he has an amazing mustache and the gumption to go ten solid rounds.
I haven't seen much about a new ready 2 rumble, but I would definitely love to see "big" Willie back in style.   Even just to see him do that wind up fake punch one last time.

Destrega's Raone

Destrega made a little impact back in the Ps1 era (though this may be wrong, 98 is one go my "lost" years) it has an interesting take on the fighting genre with an increase in risk and reward and a decrease in traditional skill. No one else in the cast was anywhere near as memorable as Raone. Filling the "big boss right hand man" role, it was his crazy eyes and frankly hilarious hat that sticks in my mind. History may have forgotten this also ran, but I refuse too.

MK Armageddon's Meat

Oh Meat! You truly personify the completely balls to the wall madness that the PS2 era mortal kombat represented. Actually on second thought, Meat and MK Karting are about equal in the "look I've jam in my trousers" scale. A Normal guy with no skin, armed with a meat cleaver. That's pretty much all you need to know about Meat, literally no effort was put into him at all. And this is shame, as he has the capacity to be a great MK character, getting the right divide between totally creepy, and slap stick ridiculous. Fingers crossed for him in MKX.

Power stone's Jack

You may have noticed from my list I do quite like my weirdos, and so with great love and respect let's hear it for jack. Possibly a hundred years old, perhaps he's 40, he can run on the tips of his knifes and can change into a clown. Look at him, just soak up the sheer mental 3am decision nature of Jack. Wrapped in bandages because being wrapped in bandages is cool. He's almost like a combination of our last two heroes....

Fighters Destiny's Pierre

Clowns suck. Fact. I have never met anyone who genuinely enjoys the company of clowns. Perhaps other clowns, but that's about it. Enter Pierre, the French clown with a perchance for kicking the fuck out of people. Like a chubbier Pennywise, he walks the line between creepy and just plain hilariously bad. It seems that for a period in the late nineties you couldn't have a least one clown character and one covered in restraints which leads us nicely too...

Soul Callibur's Voldo

Okay so he's been in all the soul callibur games so far, but really compared to Cervantes and ivy, Voldo is just in his own league. Both creeping out players and in all possibly awakening hidden sexual desires. He should be the true star of the series, adorning box art with his mouth piece and blind fold. You want to stop kids playing violent games? Put this dude on the cover! If you not completely convinced, remember he sometimes kicks seventeen shades of brown out of his opponents with a set of tambourines. TAMBOURINES! Nuff said.

I've stuck to favorites from my own collection of games, do you have any unsung violence dealers that don't get enough attention? Let me know! If we end up duking it out though, You have to let me fetch my bandages, mouth piece and clown make up. 
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Presented for your reading pleasure, a monologue on the crippling boredom and frustration when installing new software.   

God this is so boring.... That little bar is gradually filling, but I swear time is going slower than it normally does. This reminds me of five minutes till the end of school when I was a child. Except this is so much worse. It CLAIMS I'm but minutes away from my new interactive masterpiece but I don't think it's telling me the truth. What to do.... What to do.... I could...

There's usually something cool on that.... No wait there's not, it's a Tuesday evening. No ones doing anything on Facebook except complaining about their jobs or their partners. Twitter? Oh that's cool, that guy I like has made a responsibly witty observation. Just gonna pull refresh,.. And nothing's happened. Sigh, don't wanna start up a mobile game, that seems wrong whist waiting for this new game to load. All the Destructoid fairies will be asleep as I'm on the other side of the planet. 14%? Is that all? Are you kidding me? I suppose I could....

But it's only 8 o'clock. I really want a martini or a whiskey.... But that seems a little of an overreaction to a small bar moving very very slowly. Damn, has the Playstation froze? No, it seems to be okay... Still making all that noise like a 56K dial up, I'll settle for a coke. It's too early for beer, and it's too.... TUESDAY to get drunk. Perhaps it's closer to being ready. 29%? You kidding! This is worse than Metal Gear Solid 4! I can feel desperation creeping up my spine, time to....

I mean really stare. I don't think I've ever stared at this wall so intently. Look a crack! The woman in the shop said Snowfall would be a calming color, but I don't feel remotely calm. I've been working all day and all I want to do is slaughter/race against/punch in the face a few losers/zombies/poorly thought through antagonists. Man, this wall is making it worse. Dammit I'm gonna...

The following songs make watching a bar fill up much, much worse:

[font=Times New Roman]   [/font]The Mexican hat dance
[font=Times New Roman]   [/font]Surfin' bird - the Trashmen
[font=Times New Roman]   [/font]The Spanish flea
[font=Times New Roman]   [/font]Popcorn - Gershon Kingsley
[font=Times New Roman]   [/font]Vienna - Ultravox
[font=Times New Roman]   [/font]Time is running out - Muse
Dammit, that's not helped I'm gonna...

Man look at all those people who aren't waiting for a bar to fill. That girls out jogging! That's a really healthy thing to do! Maybe I should go out running? Nah, what if there was a tiny amount of burning coal on my new game and my telly is about to burst into flames, I'd want to be here for that. Aww its starting to rain, I made the right decision. Ah 69%?!? Are you kidding me? Although... That gives me an idea...

Ah, nearly there....shoulda started with this... Much needed.... Aww damn is that the intro starting!?!


Awwww this is awkward. 
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Gray Times
9:12 AM on 06.21.2014

Pieces of Heart is an ongoing series where I pick out a forgotten classic from my game library and give it a long overdue moment in the sun. For all your Zelda’s and Last of Us’es there so many unsung heroes. Today it’s a little different, today we’re going to focus on a game on one of the current gen consoles, but dammit if it wasn’t one of the best games I played last year, and dammit more people should appreciate its brilliance.
Cor blimey me ol’ china, zombies have invaded London Town in ZOMBIU.

Those funny hats are made from real bear fur... true story. 


One of the Wii U’s launch titles and the “adult” offering from Ubisoft, ZombiU is a first person survival horror game. With the emphasis on survival as you will die, over and over again. With each death being permanent, you assume the role of the next faceless survivor, and have to track down your own shambling corpse to reclaim your weapons. The story goes for a quirky take on the apocalypse foretold many moons ago trope, but is forgiven by being based on genuine British history and folklore.
There are many aspects of ZombiU I adore, but it’s the level of innovation that I love. Ubisoft poured so much into this terrifying game that makes it a classic. And I do mean terrifying, as a horror game aficionado, I know scary, and Zombiu has it is swathes. All these little extras combine to form a truly superb game which sticks with you long after you’ve changed out of your brown trousers.
Your character sucks. A stroke of genius this, you play as a Londoner, any one of a constantly repeating list of nobodies that make up the city. Your not ex-SAS, you’ve not got survival training, your cold, scared and desperately putting your faith in the mysterious contact on the other end of the radio.  This means you can’t kill zombies quickly- its exhausting work killing things, you can’t shoot very well and you make sad terrified whimpers as you tentatively explore. This changes common confrontation into a Dark Souls level of cat and mouse, where every mistake could be your last, and everything carries a terrifying risk.

Honestly hofficer.... I've only had a hupple of hales.

The setting is awesome. Okay, so I’m bias, I live in the UK, and have always thought more games should be set here. And while it seems to be a London by numbers effort with both the Tower and the Palace visited, the European desolateness of the game adds to the atmosphere. Filth litters the streets, dark shadows of forgotten monuments and century old buildings follow the horizon and there are hardly any guns. HARDLY ANY GUNS! IN A ZOMBIE GAME!? Yup. And it works brilliantly, left to fight mostly with your trusty cricket bat, it just intensifies the hopeless beauty of a ruined London.

The game pad is justified. To look in your inventory, you look down at the game pad, using the touch screen to move items and read documents. It’s a simple idea, but executed perfectly, as whilst you faff about, the horde is continuing its shambling campaign to eat your flesh. Nothing to my mind (I’ve not tried VR tech yet)  has matched the sheer engrossing terror of running out of bullets, running to a corner of a room and having to tear your eyes away from the screen to look through your inventory for something, anything, that will stop the fetid corpses seconds away from your position. It really is heart in mouth stuff. Like Lone Survivor or Silent Hill 2, this game should be played in the dark, with like minded people, as the atmosphere is practically a solid. It is that good.

although with the Wii U's battery life... we're fucked.


It is by no means perfect either, but if you can look past a few flaws and irritating quirks, there is an amazing game. It is a dark and horrifying experience, one that is true survival horror, where you are horrified and must fight to survive, rather than mowing down hordes of the undead in-between bro-fisting your co-op ‘leet hacker pal. This is a cold, painful, traumatic game, just like survival horror should be. Now post E3 the Wii U is looking more and more like a reasonable purchase please don’t forget to pick up this gem. You won’t regret it.
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Did you see all those awesome games we're gonna buy after all the E3 coverage? Got one of them fancy new consoles or an amazing PC up grade? Me neither, because I'm poor! All these new games and machines are all very well and good, but I can't afford any of it. Like I'm sure many of my fellow D-toiders, I regularly plunder the second hand market for some old gems. Here's a few you might of missed in the last generation, that I would thoroughly recommend.

Warhammer 40,000-SPACE MARINE I paid 3 pounds.
A wonderful 3rd person shooter with a melee combat twist. It's a great little story, and a truly beautiful depiction of the 40K universe. My favourite part of the 40K universe is the lore and the history of the world, it is magically represented here, with orks, imperial guardsmen, the forces of chaos and the mighty space marines themselves. The game play is fluid and a lot of fun, within seconds you'll be chainswording an ork into paste and then smashing some green skins with a hail of bolter fire, it's not long, but it's a great little adventure for a few quid.
Mirrors edge I paid 2 pounds.
While controller smashingly annoying, mirrors edge has a go at the 1st person free run em up that no one thought would work. To be fair, it doesn't work perfectly, but when it goes well and you pull off a series of moves it really is wonderful. With a unique art style, and some really interesting locations, it's a very unique example of what originality in games can do. Unfortunately, it's again very short, but definitely worth a go. Plus, there's a new one coming out soon (ish) so get in on the ground floor (lol). 

Fear not! I have ONE glove on! 

Resistance trilogy I paid between 2-5 pounds.
A ps3 exclusive, but criminally underrated and permanently cheap. Three superb sci-fi FPS's coming in somewhere between half life and  call of duty. I don't know why no one went gaga for these titles, absorbing and beautiful in places, brutal and high paced combat plus a heady mixture of sci-fi silliness and old school shooter action. There's little original about them in concept, but for a couple of bucks you're gonna have a good time.
 Battlefield:Bad Company 1&2 2 pounds each
Amazing couple of first person shooters these, completely debunking the macho modern day shooters that we've all played. If you've not taken a chance on B company then you should. Some interesting ideas and vehicles to play with, as well as all the variety of a normal battlefield game. The sweet spot however, is that this game is hilarious. A line of humour makes the story rip a long at a tremendous pace, and there are some genuinely laugh out loud sections. My personal favourite: "y'know, if they said you could drive a tank over a golf course in that promotional video, I bet we'd get a lot more people signing up" classic.

Ah Greed and violence.

The saboteur 5 pounds
What a pleasant surprise this was! Set in nazi occupied Paris, this might have as well been called GTA -revolution. It basically IS a GTA game, with driving, shooting, countless cases of murder, assault and general skulduggery. Not that that's not fun enough to start with, the story is solid and a good laugh, with a genuinely likable lead. Plus, an interesting twist with art style in which nazi occupied part so of Paris are black and white but as rebellion creeps across the city, so does the colour. Paris looks amazing too. Ah, Paris in spring with a side of killing nazis.... What more could you want?
RAGE 3 pounds
Okay so it has a terrible ID story line which basically consists of "shoot the dudes" but if you look past that then you've got a gorgeous looking FPS with some excellent weapons and some mildly amusing driving sections. For reference, think the non-dull parts of Boarderlands. It won't change your life, but it is defiantly worth a few bucks for a weekends entertainment.

Original box art.

Any PES or FIFA game(or madden or NBA). A single pound
  Seriously, like nothing changes each year really. I got a crappy copy of FIFA 12, and it seemed exactly as good as this years or last years just infinitely cheaper! If your not into the sport, try one of the other ones... If your not into sports at all, then even better!  Hours of fun can be had spent making your own players, committing horrifically violent tackles, or thrashing Brazil at the hands of the mighty Wales. Give it a go if you're at a loose end, there's a lot of quality in these titles even if your not really into sports.
Salut to my fellow poverty warriors, I hope these suggestions encourage one or two of you guys to pick up a copy and give one of these cheap classics a go. If you've any good ones please pop them in the comments and I'll give them a go!
Honorary mentions:

Shadow of the Damned, Far Cry 2, Condemned 2, Prince of Persia and COD-World at War 
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So Bethesda have released Wolfenstein to a mostly mixed reception, but I will be cheering for it for two reasons:

1.[font=Times New Roman]      [/font]Its got comedy brit soldier types cor blimey, me ol’ china!
2.[font=Times New Roman]      [/font]There is no forced in multiplayer.
Now, note my choice of words there, forced. In some games you get a logical extension to the main game in the form of a multiplayer, your FPS’s, sports games and RTS’s spring to mind. Also there are games where there is no logical multiplayer, and yet some how one was made successfully, and then you get the scourge of the last generation, the forced multiplayer.
So many games have had their teams slashed so that a multiplayer function can be shamelessly crowbarred into the product. Uncharted and Mass Effect for example had multiplayer’s forced into them, into a game that did not need them, and more pressingly, the fans did not want in them. I fear that the reason for inclusion of a multiplayer is twofold- To appeal to as many people as possible, and because online multiplayer is big business. Both of these concepts run the risk of damaging the final product.
By appealing to as many people as possible, you are diluting the final product. FACT. Take for example this rather labored analogy:

 “Gray is eating a pizza, he is enjoying it greatly, but he decides to take

 away 30% of it and leave it for later. Gray is still hungry, but resists eating

 the other 30%. When he returns to it, its gone off, so Gray is both

 hungry and disappointed with the meal”

This is the danger, by making a multiplayer, that last 30% that could of pushed the game from “good” to “great” were working on multiplayer. Multiplayer that will more than likely not be played by the majority of those who bought it, those who do are more likely doing so for achievements than for genuine enjoyment. I bitterly completed Far cry 3’s wretched co-op so I could get that platinum trophy. No, I’m not proud of myself.
Second reason, multiplayer is big business. There is one important caveat to that statement:


Call of Duty, GTA 5, Battlefield and Mario Kart have multiplayers that loved and adored because they work well. Average, or acceptable would just not have cut it. GTA 5 is a good example of this, the multiplayer is well structured and thought through offering a whole new dimension to the game. If I was so inclined I would have made up a crew or a bike gang with some friends and had a good time. Stack this against GTA IV, with its forced in racing a 3[sup]rd[/sup] person slaughter ‘em up multiplayer which is amusing…. for about half an hour. Now a desolate place, were scant few lost souls roam. 
So was all that time and effort worth it? NO! They could have used that talent and made a better game because of it.
But, and here is the saddest aspect. For multiplayer to be big business, it doesn’t have to be good. It doesn’t have to be okay even. As long as it is playable, people will give it a go, and if people give it a go, a small percentage will pay for a new hat, a skin, a few arenas or to jump a few levels ahead. So despite these shameful experiences, the suits behind these games are making money. And that is really all a lot of them care about.

So I applaud Bethesda for putting their full staff into the single player campaign, and I applaud them even harder considering that Wolfenstein is a FPS about Nazis, a genre made for lazy multiplayer. Along with their other stalwarts Fallout, Skyrim and Dishonored (incidentally three of my all-time favourites)  Bethesda are putting 100% into single player because that is the story they want to tell, not the game that will give them the most money. I for one am far more likely to part with cash for single player DLC than for a deathmatch level, and those gamers who are the other way inclined are playing Titanfall, so why should Bethesda bother with tacked on multiplayer?

 Why indeed….

P.S. I don't think i've ever laughed so hard as when the above image of Scrooge McDuck saved to my desktop as "CAPITALISM DUCK"
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It's that time again to have a look at a forgotten classic, and this one will get very mixed reactions. I'm my view it was the holy grail of arcades, the consumer of 20 pence pieces and the scourge of my attention span. Ladies and gentlemen and all in between, this is the Simpson's Arcade.


Released by Konami in 1991, the Simpsons Arcade game was a four player side scrolling beat 'em up featuring Homer, Marge Lisa and Bart as they fight through.... pretty much every Simpson character up to that point in an attempt to rescue Maggie from Mr Burns and Smithers. Traversing Springfield, as well as some truly bizarre locations, the game was fast, furious, hilarious and damn compelling to boot.
In the early nineties the Simpson's were seriously hot property, coupled with the fact that only the posh kids with Sky TV actually had seen it in the UK, the cast and the story lines had reached a certain mythical level in my young childish mind. So when given the opportunity to convert my pocket money into time in the Simpsons' world, I could not pass it up.
Straight away the game looked and sounded amazing, featuring bright, colourful graphics along with the theme song and actual voices from the show, the machine sparkled compared to the drab  hum drum offerings in my local arcade. It offered scrolling beat 'em up action but with all the fun of the Simpsons! What was not to like? Streets of Rage meets a cartoon via a drug trip... It was perfect.


And when you got four players at once it was a magical form of chaos. Like any good local co-op there was item sharing, tactics and more than a few shouts from pre-teen lungs. The graphics were smooth and the level design was excellent, combining all of the things you would want from a 16-bit side scroller such as weapons and legions of dudes to punch in the face, but all with a zany Simpsons twist.
Okay, so it can get a little repetitive, and some of the levels such as the dream sequence remain more than a little bizarre, but for many children of the nineties The Simpsons arcade was the pinnacle of arcade gaming. Do yourself a favor and have a go now!
The Simpsons arcade game is available on XBLA and PSN real cheap, grab it!

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