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ROUND 4: THE IN-GAME INSTRUCTIONS

ARCADE

"Winners don't do drugs."

"The President has been kidnapped by ninjas. Are you a bad enough dude to save the President?"

The Wii just doesn't believe in you quite like the arcades did. The arcade is already fairly confident that you're both a winner and a pretty bad dude. All that remains to be seen is whether or not you're bad enough to rescue the president from ninjas, and even that question seems pretty rhetorical. (Of course you are, motherfucker!)



Wii

"Please point the Wii Remote at the screen."

"The Wii Remote has become disconnected. Please press A to reconnect."

The Wii, meanwhile, doesn't even trust us enough to point the damn controller at the screen, as if we'd be aiming at toasters and house pets without the helpful incite.


Enjoy the rest here;
http://www.cracked.com/index.php?name=News&sid=2323








Something Katamari: So I roll this thing around picking up stuff. No more fun or enjoyable then Boom Boom Rocket, or Geometry wars, or Tetris. But still a fine addition to your Xbox Live Arcade collection. What? $40? F U katamari.

For:
Japanaddicts
Techno junkies
Cos-players
Frat boys
Warcrafters
Nintendorks
Hipsters
Your Mom
Mulleteers
Retarded Mongoloids
Gear heads
Combo kings
Arm chair Rommels


Stranglehold: Wow Dead to Rights HD looks really good. But what happened to the dog and the cool dis-arms. Really though, when I'm half way thru a demo and I'm 99.99% sure I've seen everything a game has to offer - not good. Watch a double bill of the Killer and Hard Boiled better, It'll be a 100x more enjoyable/half the price/and the same length. 'Tequila time' seriously, 'Tequila time'?

For:
Japanaddicts
Techno junkies
Cos-players
Frat boys
Warcrafters
Nintendorks
Hipsters
Your Mom
Mulleteers
Retarded Mongoloids
Gear heads
Combo kings
Arm chair Rommels








After a discussion I had with a friend, concerning APF 2K8 vs. Madden 08. We agreed that 2K8 is the better playing game (though the margins differed greatly). Then the discussion turned to the over all game, and more specifically ‘Franchise’ mode or lack there of. And while I wont bore you with that debate, it did get me thinking, how many people actually play a franchise mode, and for those that do, to what extent.

So, let us know: do you even play a franchise? And if so, for how long?

As for me, the best I can remember:

Madden 03: yes, 2-3 seasons
Madden 04: yes, 3-4 seasons
NFL 2K5: yes, 10-12 seasons
College Hoops 2K6: yes, 8 seasons
Winning 11 8: yes, 4 seasons
College Hoops 2K7: yes, 1-...










I cant be the only to notice the irony of EA using Ozzy Osborne to promote Madden 08 at their 'Maddenoliday', what ever the hell that is.
Lets compmare and contrast shall we:

Subject A. is past its prime and can no longer compete with its younger competition.
Subject B. umm, yeah, same as A.

Subject A. was over sensationalized, even at its peak popularity and probably used payola to get played on the radio.
Subject B. Is over sensationalized and probably uses payola to get good reviews (cough,Gamespot,cough)

Subject A. Is worshipped by frat boys, and nit wits.
Subject B. Is worshipped by frat boys and nit wits.

Subject A. was the subject of a craptacular show on a craptacular TV channel.
Subject B. Is the subject of a craptacular show on a craptacular TV channel.

Subject A. Offers a stuttering glitchy performance.
Subject B. Offers a stuttering glitchy performance online.
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From the kansas City Star
http://www.kansascity.com/entertainment/story/229150.html

1.) Everyone is constantly turning the ball over. I played against my friend David four times — as the New Orleans Saints vs. the Chicago Bears — and we each fumbled and threw interceptions as if we were newbies. We’re not.
Then I played a solo match against the computer. Both my team and the other team — the Tennessee Titans vs. the Tampa Bay Buccaneers — fumbled and threw pick-offs four times.
That’s eight interceptions in a 20-minute ballgame of five-minute quarters. This is wildly unacceptable.
One time I dove to the ground without any defensive guy hitting me, and I fumbled while falling peacefully to the ground.

2.) If you are running with the ball, you can press a button to do a lateral. But if you accidentally press this button when there’s no teammate around you (fairly easy to do), you fumble. How stupid.

3.) There is a great “protect” button you can press. It makes you wrap both hands around the football while you’re running. This should keep you from fumbling. Yet I was jogging as a big fullback in open field toward a touchdown, with the “protect” button on, and a tiny little safety guy pushed me once.
I fumbled.

4.) When a new series of downs begins for my offense, I’m given just over 20 seconds to scan through my plays, pick one, rush to the line of scrimmage, and snap the ball. This is absurd.

5.)(mine)

[i]Not that it matters, youve either drank the kool-aid or not, and no amount of glitches(08 apparently), rip-offs(06, 07), or complacency(05-08) will deter you. So, start your hondas, turn up the Limp Bizkit, and turn your ball caps around, the roster update arrives at midnight!. BTW is EA still using those cheerleader pics from 03?







Grapefruit Juice
5:47 PM on 08.07.2007

With their latest release, the killer app Clock, Nintendo looks to be taking a dominating lead in the video game business. But what could be next? My inside source at Nintendo R&D tells me that the Big N, with their next Wii update, are looking to put the nail in the coffin of their closest competitors, the Playstation 1 and Sega Dreamcast, by releasing a DVD player!!


I also managed to obtain this photo of the Wii-DVD proto-type.




Hold onto your hats Nintendo fans, the future looks bright!
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