Somebody totally needs to make a game based on Rasputin.



Although I haven’t checked fully yet besides a quick wikipedia search to my knowledge there are no video games based on the wondrously screwed up Rasputin. Honestly the man just screams video game but nobody’s GENIUS enough to it.

So why does Rasputin deserve his own game simple:


He's freaking amazing!

There a good start. When your awesome enough to have your own beer and your dick has its own wikipedia page you deserve a damn video game!

END OF STORY! Speaking of stories...


Rasputin has one of the most awesome back stories. EVER!

You know all those RPGs that have some kid being brought up with his family members dying before gaining supernatural powers? Rasputin IS that kid. Rasputin was born into a poor family in Russia. He had a epileptic sister how died by drowning in a river and some years later his brother fell into a pond and even though Rasputin jumped into a FREEZING COLD LAKE - and both of them were rescued after Rasputin couldn‘t carry him out - his brother still died of pneumonia. Oh and Rasputin may have had a slight cold.

Through his childhood Rasputin exhibited his awesomeness in many ways till he was eighteen and the Virgin Mary told him to be stop pissing about with his life and go to a damn church. After his vision Rasputin became a religious mystic and joined a cult where they would often have rigorous sex rituals. Put simply the Virgin Mary told him to go fuck nuns in the name of Jesus Christ. I would play ANY game where I could fuck nuns for Jesus!


He was cool enough to hang out with one the most powerful men in the world.

After his awesome nun orgies ended (Yes I’m afraid all good nun orgies must end sometime) Rasputin was invited into the home of the Russian Tsar. For those of you who don’t know the Tsar was in complete control of the whole of Russia which is estimated to cover about 1/6 of the entire world the equivalent to half of the whole of Asia.(So yeah he was a pretty big deal)

This is made even more amazing by the fact Rasputin was a surf. A peasant. A commoner. A member of the “working” class. Anyone else in his situation would have been shot on sight for even going within a 100 metre radius of these people (*COUGH*BLOODYSUNDAY*COUGH*) but Rasputin could waltz on in there did his awesome preachy thing and was allowed to sit down with them and start ordering hookers and booze. I really love that I’m not making this shit up as it’s been believed that Rasputin regularly hired prostitutes and drank heavily even when in the company of the higher ups.

Why was he allowed all this extravagance? Well if you had read earlier you would realise that:


Rasputin had MOTHERFUCKING SUPERPOWERS!

Perhaps if I had been focusing more on the serious aspect of his blog rather than the hyping of THE GREASTEST MAN WHO EVER WALKED THIS EARTH this point would be higher up on this list. Rasputin did some crazy shit but most of that crazy shit was at least semi-explainable but not these next parts. Rasputin’s powers were said to be:

Hypnosis: Rasputin was known far and wide and was famous for being a great healer despite his nun penetrating tendencies. The Tsarina Alexandra was said to think highly of Rasputin and would be strangely unaware of all the broken bottles laying around the courtyards and the Tsar went as far as to fire his Minster in charge of censorship instead of kicking Rasputin out when all the crap about him was let loose.

Possible in-game use: Think about it. This would be the only sandbox game where going around fucking with everyone then getting caught and coming out with but a slap on the wrist would make sense. Rasputin could shoot people, get arrested and then hypnotise someone to either bail him out or let him go free and off to screw some more nuns.

Healing: Rasputin could heal others through psychic powers. This was his sort of calling card and the reason he was invited to meet with the Royal Family.

Possible in-game use: Regenerating health is a no-brainer but it could be a nice game mechanic of healing people to raise a kind of reputation. Combined with hypnosis we could see Rasputin slowly corrode everyone’s minds into believing he’s a god because the reputation would always go up but never down. Think of it like a moral choice system where you’re either good or awesome. And no STDs from nun fuckery!

Astral Projection: Rasputin could throw himself out of his body and surroundings and could track down people with his mind.

Possible in-game use: This would make for some awesome puzzles with Rasputin having to look around for a solution and track down nuns to rape from a distance.

Clairvoyance: He predicted his own and others deaths. I don’t like to “nuff said” but damn… Nuff said.

Possible in-game use: It could be used to help move the story along better making a more memorable game experience. Also HE FUCKED NUNS!



It could be the greatest ending in Video game history

Rasputin’s death may be the most interesting part of his life and rightfully so. Rasputin consumed in one night enough cyanide to kill three people without even a cough and was shot in the head, bludgeoned, stabbed wildly and only managed to die when he fell in some freezing water and drowned.

This leads us to two conclusions:

Rasputin proves the only cure for incurable poisons is pure badassery

Rasputin did not die but he simply stopped trying.

I would love to see a story in a game where they connect that all three of the children eventually died by a water related incident and Rasputin’s supposed rising at his cremation. Yes Rasputin can prank people from beyond the grave. He’s just that great.

I wrote this blog half serious and half satirically but now I say that we need this game no WE DEMAND IT! Till there is a Rasputin game on the selves of stores everywhere I will boycott gaming! (Unless gaming personally flies me over you try every single video game ever made. Then I just may try gaming again.)