Somebody totally needs to make a game based on Rasputin.



Although I haven’t checked fully yet besides a quick wikipedia search to my knowledge there are no video games based on the wondrously screwed up Rasputin. Honestly the man just screams video game but nobody’s GENIUS enough to it.

So why does Rasputin deserve his own game simple:


He's freaking amazing!

There a good start. When your awesome enough to have your own beer and your dick has its own wikipedia page you deserve a damn video game!

END OF STORY! Speaking of stories...


Rasputin has one of the most awesome back stories. EVER!

You know all those RPGs that have some kid being brought up with his family members dying before gaining supernatural powers? Rasputin IS that kid. Rasputin was born into a poor family in Russia. He had a epileptic sister how died by drowning in a river and some years later his brother fell into a pond and even though Rasputin jumped into a FREEZING COLD LAKE - and both of them were rescued after Rasputin couldn‘t carry him out - his brother still died of pneumonia. Oh and Rasputin may have had a slight cold.

Through his childhood Rasputin exhibited his awesomeness in many ways till he was eighteen and the Virgin Mary told him to be stop pissing about with his life and go to a damn church. After his vision Rasputin became a religious mystic and joined a cult where they would often have rigorous sex rituals. Put simply the Virgin Mary told him to go fuck nuns in the name of Jesus Christ. I would play ANY game where I could fuck nuns for Jesus!


He was cool enough to hang out with one the most powerful men in the world.

After his awesome nun orgies ended (Yes I’m afraid all good nun orgies must end sometime) Rasputin was invited into the home of the Russian Tsar. For those of you who don’t know the Tsar was in complete control of the whole of Russia which is estimated to cover about 1/6 of the entire world the equivalent to half of the whole of Asia.(So yeah he was a pretty big deal)

This is made even more amazing by the fact Rasputin was a surf. A peasant. A commoner. A member of the “working” class. Anyone else in his situation would have been shot on sight for even going within a 100 metre radius of these people (*COUGH*BLOODYSUNDAY*COUGH*) but Rasputin could waltz on in there did his awesome preachy thing and was allowed to sit down with them and start ordering hookers and booze. I really love that I’m not making this shit up as it’s been believed that Rasputin regularly hired prostitutes and drank heavily even when in the company of the higher ups.

Why was he allowed all this extravagance? Well if you had read earlier you would realise that:


Rasputin had MOTHERFUCKING SUPERPOWERS!

Perhaps if I had been focusing more on the serious aspect of his blog rather than the hyping of THE GREASTEST MAN WHO EVER WALKED THIS EARTH this point would be higher up on this list. Rasputin did some crazy shit but most of that crazy shit was at least semi-explainable but not these next parts. Rasputin’s powers were said to be:

Hypnosis: Rasputin was known far and wide and was famous for being a great healer despite his nun penetrating tendencies. The Tsarina Alexandra was said to think highly of Rasputin and would be strangely unaware of all the broken bottles laying around the courtyards and the Tsar went as far as to fire his Minster in charge of censorship instead of kicking Rasputin out when all the crap about him was let loose.

Possible in-game use: Think about it. This would be the only sandbox game where going around fucking with everyone then getting caught and coming out with but a slap on the wrist would make sense. Rasputin could shoot people, get arrested and then hypnotise someone to either bail him out or let him go free and off to screw some more nuns.

Healing: Rasputin could heal others through psychic powers. This was his sort of calling card and the reason he was invited to meet with the Royal Family.

Possible in-game use: Regenerating health is a no-brainer but it could be a nice game mechanic of healing people to raise a kind of reputation. Combined with hypnosis we could see Rasputin slowly corrode everyone’s minds into believing he’s a god because the reputation would always go up but never down. Think of it like a moral choice system where you’re either good or awesome. And no STDs from nun fuckery!

Astral Projection: Rasputin could throw himself out of his body and surroundings and could track down people with his mind.

Possible in-game use: This would make for some awesome puzzles with Rasputin having to look around for a solution and track down nuns to rape from a distance.

Clairvoyance: He predicted his own and others deaths. I don’t like to “nuff said” but damn… Nuff said.

Possible in-game use: It could be used to help move the story along better making a more memorable game experience. Also HE FUCKED NUNS!



It could be the greatest ending in Video game history

Rasputin’s death may be the most interesting part of his life and rightfully so. Rasputin consumed in one night enough cyanide to kill three people without even a cough and was shot in the head, bludgeoned, stabbed wildly and only managed to die when he fell in some freezing water and drowned.

This leads us to two conclusions:

Rasputin proves the only cure for incurable poisons is pure badassery

Rasputin did not die but he simply stopped trying.

I would love to see a story in a game where they connect that all three of the children eventually died by a water related incident and Rasputin’s supposed rising at his cremation. Yes Rasputin can prank people from beyond the grave. He’s just that great.

I wrote this blog half serious and half satirically but now I say that we need this game no WE DEMAND IT! Till there is a Rasputin game on the selves of stores everywhere I will boycott gaming! (Unless gaming personally flies me over you try every single video game ever made. Then I just may try gaming again.)

Hopefully this article won't sound like a grammar lesson and if it does it will be greatest grammar lesson you've ever read. That my friends is an opinion*. The most misunderstood titbit known to the internet. Opinions are your's and your's alone and if they are used as a fact then they become misinformation. We already have a lot of misinformation floating around such as "The PS3 has no good games!", "The Xbox 360 will overheat constantly!" and "The Wii is only for little kids and old women!"

This misinformation causes more misinformation to spread and unfortunately misinformation is the number one fuel for flame wars. The last two phrases above aren't however opinions but theories which can become just as bad as opinions. A theory starts when let's say Sonny McSonyson likes to play the PS3 and his opinion is the Xbox is terrible. He hears a fact that the Xbox has broken down quite frequently in the past. His low opinion of the Xbox now creates bias in which he takes the information and chooses to not repeat any thing that could possibly make the Xbox look better and go against his opinion.

He has now gotten a theory but unfortunately this theory is abortion gone horribly wrong as it's formed on that most unfriendly little prick of communication you guessed it! Misinformation!

Does that mean we should stop giving our opinions and theories? No everyone should have the right to say whatever but we should always keep the facts and opinions separate but if there's a fact that you don't completely agree with you can't ignore the parts you don't like. Does this mean that all theories and opinions should be ignored? No as some of them are backed up by good evidence even some of the less friendly ones such as:

A majority of Xboxes will fail.

A majority of developers will find the PS3 harder to develop for than the Xbox.

A majority of Wii games will be rated lower than Xbox and PS3 games.

The problem isn't them being said but the immediate reaction of some to censor what was said. No one will thank you for spreading lies or blindly defending your company of choice. Unless you're Gamespot or Sean Malstrom. Now our final question before I actually start getting to the point. Should I stop saying information? Yes. Seven times or rather eight is quite enough I apologise for my absurd lack of a thesaurus and as of now I will avoid the use of that word like Valve avoids the PS3.



There are trolls,fanboys and flamers on the internet. FACT.

Trolls,fanboys and flamers are common on the internet. THEORY.

Sony/Microsoft/Nintendo trolls,fanboys and flamers are the most annoying. OPINION.

It's a foreign concept to some but not everything someone says is meant as a fact. Part of the reasons Destructoid readers can discuss so well is because most of us can realise that an opinion is meant to be just that. Opinions. Each of our editors have opinions and make them absolutely clear but no one tries to state them as fact and they'll continue to do so till David Jaffe gets hired. This can get confusing for some people as they expect everything on news sites to be written as a fact rather than news with a bit of personality but maybe that's what we should expect.

A common ground for internet stupidity is review scores as people like to use them as facts to why a game is good or bad. Using the same process as above let's look at why that way of thinking is completely wrong.*:

GRAPHICS/SOUND

... is a game with visuals and music. FACT. DUH!

You will be amazed at ...'s graphics and music. THEORY.

... is the most beautiful game I have ever seen or heard. OPINION.

Graphical scores depend on how good a TV you have or even what your standards are. Some people will say Wii games look terrible but others are so used to them they don't mind. Some people are so used to 1080 dpi that they'll refuse to touch anything lower than that. Some people believe that graphics don't matter at all if the environment isn't colourful and others believe that games should look realistic even if that means a little more bland. Don't even get me started on the differences in people's taste in music!

Then there's the dreaded Final Score. I've guided you through this WALL O' TEXT assuming that all of the people reading this are dumb enough to need the differences of Facts, theories and opinions explained to them. Even the person who finds all my babblings to be new and exciting infor- data - will be smart enough to know that arguing over a Final Score is one of the dumbest things you can ever do. Telling the reviewer that they missed out the best part isn't suddenly going to make the horrible experience they endured playing the game the first time go away.

Neither is telling them how much fun you had with the game, or claiming they are so biased that they would willing let a game they secretly loved go unnoticed because Nintendo told them to. They rated the game low because they thought it was a waste of time and megabytes. If you've argued against a review then there may still be hope for you.. Unless you were arguing the .5/6/whatever. If you're arguing the .something then you should just go hang yourself right now.



A common reason flame wars start is because of either the original poster or the reader mistaking a theory or opinion as a fact. The original poster or next reader then takes their opinion as a fact or misinfor- false evidence - then "POOF!" instant flame war. What people on the internet seem to forget is that even if they're sitting facing a mechanical screen the things they're reading are written by humans and unfortunately humans cannot be unbiased about something they care about.

I am a Gamecube fanboy. If you were to diss the cube I would want to slit your damn throat. If you make fun of its games I would probably feel like getting some cement and forcefully shutting your whore mouth. How do I keep away my homicidal tendencies and stop myself performing a jihad on your house? The closest we get to unbias is when we can look at both sides of the argument and seeing whose talking with facts and whose just saying their opinion.

"The PS2 could be considered the best console out of the last generation" THEORY.

"STFU the GameCube was the awesome!" OPINION.

"But the PS2 had more games, more sales and had a library that was so critically acclaimed that they are still producing the PS2, PS2 games and porting over several PS2 games to newer systems." FACT

That cannot be argued with as it would be stupid to argue with cold, hard facts. the most excellent things about facts is that you don't need to argue with them. This example simply states that the PS2 was a more likeable and better system than the GameCube but here's the kicker! Does that mean that my opinion of the GameCube should change? Most certainly not! Does that mean that my opinion is wrong? Now look here good sir or madam! Here's where the problems start.

Yes it is fact that the PS2 was and is considered a better system but it is also fact that I enjoy the GameCube more. Do these two things affect each other at all? No. Do these two things prevent me from enjoying both systems? Not at all! Although to everyone else your opinion is just that to yourself your opinion is a fact in it's own right and no random fact can change that. No one can say it's wrong to like or dislike the better choice even when the facts are right in front of you because they're not you and they can't decide your opinion for you.

Alas my friend we are done with this fiesta of learning, mildly reasoned with gaming references then left to cook for half my freaking day. I can't quite bring myself to lie and claim that this experience was somehow fun as the very thought of all your greasy faces reading this slowly draining away at my sanctuary of marvellous words only to respond.

TL;RD

You people make me sick! But of course that's only my opinion!

Yes yes a PS3 price cut happened but that doesn't change a thing as Sony is still an EVIL company for reason I shall now present! I read on a forum that I don't remember now that Sony is not going to let us change the hard drives on the new PS3 Slim! It's obvious that Sony has taken it upon themselves to lie to EVERY gaming site on the internet that they will to trick us all!



Oh and the PS3 with a price cut is still too expensive! It should be $100 as it duesn't haves the backwards compan- cofahr- compur- thingy that even the WII has (and everyone knows the Wii is shite!) Everyone knows that the only console allowed to cost more than $250 is the Xbox Elite because the Xbox has more games and is better and if you don't think so you're a FAG! So you should go back to fagtown and play on the faggy-go-round while I fuck you mother!

Also the only reason it does not has backwards conphanablutity is because Sony is money hungry and greedy and just wants to keep sell the PS2 more more longer because they are greedy little jews! Mircosoft is never greedy as Xbox Live isn't free because it's better than Playstation Live and the only reason ads are there is because they think I will need more Pepsi and the backgrounds aren't free because they are on Xbox and are darefour betterer than the PS3 ones!

Sony is the only being greedy as it's not like they were losing money from PS3 and needed the money cuz I heard from this friend who has a cousin who read on a forum that someone knew someone from Sony who heard from one of the Sony heads in a toilet THAT IT WAS ALL A LIE! Yes PS3 users were all fooled into believing it as well as they are stupid little fanboys who all want to have sex with their PS3s! I'm not a fanboy because I fucking said I'm not and if you say I am then I'll be very angry!



The Wii is failing now (Yeah the Wii is failing in Japan this week by selling 2million consoles instead of 2.1million! That means that it's dying and stuff!) because no one wants to buy motion controls because motion controls are stupid and not HARDCORE and the Sony Wand is going to be stupid and not HARDCORE! Project Natal isn't not HARDCORE because it has Peter Mouldyneux behind it and he's a genius because he said Fable was going to be the greatest thing ever!

Even though it wern't all that good he sayed Fable II would be better and even though it wasn't I didn't care because he's making Fable III now. If he fucked up twice before it means he'll DEFINATELY get it right this time. Project Natal is also cool because it doesn't have a a pink ball on the end of it that my friend Chad says looks like a dildo and he would know because he says he likes to put them up his but to see if they'er ripe. Wiimote and Sony Wand are gay because they look like dildoes and Project Natal isn't because you can do cool stuff like touch little boys!



Sony FAGBOYS say that the 360 has a 50% chance of RRoD but I think that's a lie because only 3 of my 7 360s RRoDed and the rest just stopped turning on but that's good. Sony doesn't want you to have a life because the PS3 has free online and a low fail rate because they want you to just keep on buying games and never stop playing! Xboxes shut down themselves so you can take a 1 and a half week break from gaming to go outside and things and that's really cool of mircosoft!

In short Sony is bad and everyone should get a 360 because PS3s are for n00bs and 360 are teh awesomesause pwnage fests! Also I am not a fanboy as I own all 3 consoles and that makes me not a fanboy. I own all consoles but just think that the 360 is best and the wii and PS3 are for losers jew fags who sleep with pigs. If you don'tent believe me you can have my XBL, PSN and Wii Number

XBL: 3604ever

PSN: Fuck you for having PS3

Wii: 0031 7893 Fuck the Wii

EVILS!!!

The most surprising thing by far I found out today (Even more surprising that the sentence of the Halo Killer was that my own father was involved with a court case (He's a lawyer) where Nintendo is trying to shut down a main seller of R4's in the UK. Yes before someone reads the "my dad" thing and assumes it's a fake let me assure you I'm serious - though I wouldn't blame you for not believing me - and I will remind you here please do not troll me because I'm not trying to spam or flame.

Try not to look like a dick



I can honestly say this is the first time I've actually hoped my dad would LOSE a case. I knew he specialised in Copyright Law (piracy is copyright infringement and not theft) but when he came home and told me about this I assumed he was kidding and had looked at an R4 and thought this might be funny but unfortunately he wasn't. Now I love my dad, I respect my dad and would wish my dad good luck for anything. Except for the fact he's supporting piracy Hitler.



He would buy an R4

Most people by now either think I'm a dick for routing against my own dad or just hate my dad for doing what he's doing but I have my reasons:

1) He's probably going to use the old "R4's are blank at first" thing

Most cases do this. They try to show them that the user is completely responsible for everything that's on the R4. Which would be a good point if they didn't give out software to hack the ds! It should be a moot point if they give it out anyway!

2) The R4 can be used to back up files and play music and other "legit" uses

The R4 can be an emulator or a MP3 player but after seeing every kid that can use the internet with one playing Pokemon Platinum, New Super Mario Bros or LoZ: Phantom Hourglass for free I highly doubt anyone is still playing music on the damned things

3) A blow to the R4 may get it through some people's skulls that PIRACY IS BAD!

Hell I would be a dirty liar if I said I never pirated anything in my life. It's something I do regularly but never to the same extent as some people. I COULD never pay for everything and jack all the crap I can get my hands on but I would probably feel like a complete asshole and pay for everything afterwards. Again my dad=lawyer it's very deep in my head piracy is wrong except in some circumstances - If the company can no longer make a profit off of something I will pirate it - but come on who's so much of a dick that they would pirate during an economic depression!

4) It's the father of WiiMusic!

Now everyone knows how a game like WiiFit and WiiMusic can outsell brilliant masterpiece after masterpiece and that's because NO ONE PIRATES WiiFit! He casual gaming crowd is the only reason video games probably aren't going through another crash. The casual gamer is too ignorant to pirate so they just buy their games! Remember that! When we used to BUY things.



It's knows it should be illegal. The little ^$£&%*

Anyone else who is sad that things like R4s get made then when all the games are pirated they're the ones who have to pay for it. WE'RE the ones who are going to have to lower our standards. WE'RE the ones who will have to wait once a freaking full moon for a half decent game and WE'RE the ones who will have to hear the complains.

THANK YOU AND GOOD NIGHT!

Except you R4. Go kill yourself.

After looking up the The Escapist Forums I found this interesting story about the sentence of the boy who murdered his mother and father after they banned him from Halo.



He was 17 years old when the incident happened and was apparently so addicted to Halo when told to quit he then got his father's gun from a lock box and shot them both wounding his father and killing his mother. I wish I could say more about this like a witty retort or a one-liner but things like this make me fear for the future of humanity itself. If a 17 year old boy can be driven to murder by a video game alone I'm just glad he wasn't in a cult of some kind otherwise this could easily had become "Halo Killing spree. Boy murders enitre family and neighbours."



I personally blame the parents, the kid or even the friends for not spotting this earlier or the father (Who can be seen appealing for this son in the above picture) for not locking away his gun! The judge on the other hand blames violent video games which should be the last thing to blame. I'm not saying that the game had no role in the killing but how can you see this person given a single copy of millions of the same game and when he alone snaps blame the game is ridiculous.



This is a really difficult subject to write about for any gamer. On one hand the guy deserves to be seperated from the rest of the world that is certain. If you kill someone over something as trival as a videogame you need to be locked up. But on the other the kid now has to be in jail for 23 years before even being considered for parole. He almost just turn 18 and was so close to starting his life and now he's stuck in jail till he's middle aged because he did something stupid - he actually was heard crying over the loss of his mother - and that's his whole life whisked away because he freaked out. That's not cool.



Post your opinions on whether or not you think this guy should have "gotten off" with insanity or less years tilll parole below.

This is my first blog on destructiod and I wanted it to be about something I really loved that's related to gaming. After some thought I gave up and started looking at some old blogs on the front page and came across the whole "why ... is the greatest video game series of all time" and wanted to make one myself but for Earthbound so here goes.


It knows exactly what it is and what it wants to be

The game sarts off with a normal boy sleeping in the night on an average day in the 90s. Everyone knows what's awesome about that right! Nothing at all! because that's what normal life is like. Normal. It's not his birthday, it's not christmas, he not been orphaned in some mystrious way because that wouldn't be normal. But in his normal life you can find it easy to relate to Ness. Esspecially his friendship with Porky. I think Dane Cook said it best "In every group of people there is always a friend that nobody f*cking likes!" Porky is that friend. He's fat, egostical and lazy (The bastards so lazy he won't even attack to save his own life against a group of wild animals!) You're not playing as Ness. You ARE Ness. An average kid put in a strange new world.



But Mother 3 starts off with Lucas, the new main character, and his family being trapped in a forest fire and the attack from a robotic drago which kills not only his mother but possibly his brother Claus and makes his dad so guiltly that he goes (In my opinion) off the deep end and completely abandons him to try to search for his supposely dead brother (They never found the body) Lucas's life is screwed up so badly yet you can still relate to him as all the crap in his life is his own fault in a way. HE got lost in the woods so his mother died protecting HIM, HE didn't stop his brother when he went to fight the drago and HE couldn't help find Claus. The game gives you the idea that you're controlling Lucas's life because he can't do it himself. You're his voice of reason and I loved every second of doing it.


It's hillarious!

This one will be short and sweet. The game is funny case closed. If you can go the whole game with even a chuckle then you're inhuman. When Itoi, the creator, was making this game he ovbiously had a good idea of why you play throuh the tedious parts of a game. The rewards. Earthbound and Mother 3 have parts where you can go out of your way for a laugh. In Mother 3 sometimes you'll fight a high level enemy just for a box with a fart inside and in Earthbound you might grind for money to buy a house in the suburbs only to find it's completely wrecked but at least you found a good book right? It doesn't force you to do this and there's nothing to can really unlock for doing this but you do it anyways because you're playing through this game not have a good time and you're suceeding. You're having fun.


No vanilla enemies

In most RPGs when you get closer to the end there's always the enemies that aren't special in any way shape or form. the common term for these are vanilla enemies there not bad but there certainly not good either and they don't add anything new to the table. In Earthbound and Mother 3 this is not the case every enemy feels different boss fights are always new even if some are repeated (There's a big difference between the first fight against the masked man and the last one) and they feel as though the design actually bothered to give them there own personality


The battle system is genius

Now when you get hit in a normal RPG you usually just stand there and take it till he's done dealing damage. Earthbound throws that out the window because if you get hit you fight back, you get down and consentrate, you hit them where it hurts! If an attack hits you that will do enough damage to take you down you don't die you take mortal damage and start dying your health bar decreases faster if you move to much so sometimes all you can do is defend and let someone else deal with it. This works so well because then you can't just kick back and watch the characters do the work because well you're DYING! (Oh and the battle backgrounds are incredible)


Mr.Saturn

Nuff said... BOING!


It's not overrated

When something is loved as much as Earthbound people usually think that if a game has that much hype it's probably too good to be true. Fortunately this is not the case with Earthbound. It's almost physically impossible to not be able to find something you like about Earthbound/Mother 3 (I say almost as some people who just don't like video games) It's so... everything! It's smart but stupid, the it's turn based but it's real time, It's random but makes so much sense. It's like if we put Jesus Christ into a Snes and then a GBA cartridge.


It's improved so much

I admit I'm not the biggest fan of Mother 1 but can you blame me? I don't think it's bad I think it could be so much better if it took some tips from it's sequels. It has an idea of what it's wants to be, It's kinda funny, every other enemy is a vanilla enemy, the battle system is the same as all other RPGs (and no cool backgrounds), there are NO Mr.Saturns and it is overrated. It's not a good game or a bad game it's a vanilla game with vanilla enemies


THE END?