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GoggolrAscendant avatar 8:55 PM on 04.30.2008
Impressions of a Pokemon Neophyte

Hi, Goggolor Ascendant here! The day I decided to join the Dtoid Community is the same day I decided officially find out why the Pokemon games are so damned popular. I tried getting a copy of Pokem Pearl for the DS through Goozex, but after three different people failed to respond to the trade request, I finally bit the bullet and went to Gamestop.

Upon getting it home and starting it up, I decided to keep a running journal of my impressions of the game. And that is what you will find below; typos, lame jokes, and all. Enjoy!

Start-up: Graphics are kinda 16-bit over all.

Character Selection: Guy model looks like a dips***; I’m going with the girl; I’ll call her ‘Emo-kin’. Wait, that’s her sidekick? Dammit, can’t go back…going to name him ‘Dork’ – take that Nintendo! Feel the burn!!

Conversation w/townspeople: “You’re going to hang with Dork again, right? You two sure are tight!” Hee-hee! Get it? ‘Cause she’s a girl, and girls (most of them, anyways) like dick, and “dork” is slang for penis! The unintended hilarity that my unconventional naming…er, convention instills is limitless!

Oh man, Dork is hyperactive and obsessed with money. It’s like he’s a coke-out Wall Street wanker. A dick indeed.

Pokemon time! So, I have the choice between a turtle shell-wearing apple, a flaming monkey, or a blue bird. Crap, these Pokemon are ass! I want Squirtle or Bulbasaur! Hell, I’d even settle for Pikachu. Let’s see…chances are that the the fire monkey won’t have a flaming poo attack as this is a Nintendo game. Pity, that. Imagine a Conker’s Bad Fur Day meets Pokemon game. That would be awesome. Still, a bubble-spewing bird, or a mutant turtle/apple. Crap. F*** it. Going with the granny smith turtle!

It figures that Dork would go for the flaming poo-flinging monkey

Running shoes?! Why the f*** do games insist on making players use items in order to run? This is the twenty-first f***ing century! We don’t need items inorder to be able to run in video games!!!

‘Dork’s Mom”…[snicker]. Man, dick jokes never get old.

“Bidoof”…it’s mother was a hamster, and its father was a beaver that smealt of elderberries.

Wow. Pokemon combat at low levels is hellaciously tedious and boring.

Yeah, the game is putting me to sleep right now. Time to take a break and come back later, when I’m not so spaced.

Oh. Yipee. I captured a Bidoof. Damn thing definitely does not rate a nickname.

“He just can’t sit still, that boy. I wonder who he takes after.” Huh, it seems that Dork’s mom either can’t remember what her husband was like, or as is more likely, doesn’t know which of the hundreds of men she’s bedded was his father.

So…there are no fathers any where in Twinleaf town? Is it like a refuge for unwed mothers? A secret government fertility clinic, where women are impregnated by Pokemon? Ew…Pokemon furry pr0n.

Huh, Emo-kin’s mom is a bit of a passive-aggressive martyr. “Nono honey, you go off on your grand little adventure! I’ll be fine here…alone…with nobody to talk to, and nothing to do but have sex with strangers for money…” Or words to that effect.

Dork’s Mom: “Excuse me, is my little Dork here?” Hahahaha! Dick joke.

Wait…how the hell do I earn money in this game? Dammit, my copy didn’t come with an instruction manual.

Finally, Granysmith learned a new ability!

Gah! In-game tutorial for something I alread figured out how to do!! Jesus, like using a Pokeball is really that damned hard. If Ash could figure it out, I certainly can.

Oh hell. Twiggy McLoserboy wants to battle me. Kid, I will bury you!!!

Oh, so that’s how I make money. I beat up little kids like that and take their lunch money. I can live with that.

Crap! You can’t take two steps without tripping over some idiot that wants to battle. And she’s using a Lvl3 Bidoof? Girl must be into spankings.

Yay! More lunch money.

Can I capture another trainer’s Pokemon? Well, I won’t know this battle. I got a crit on the little bastard, and down it went.

Is XP split between pokemon who battled? Crap, yes, it is.

Oh god, leveling up all the Pokemon is going to be a stone-cold bitch. I don’t have the attention span for this shite!

Beat up a couple more school kids and took their lunch money. Also bullied them into giving me a new toy.

Clown-hunting for fun and watches.

Okay ersiously, where the hell is the third clown? The town isn’t that big…

Oh, the town does extend that way. Duh.

Poketch. Yay. Oh hey, it has a step counter. Brilliant.
I am going to spank Dork’s ass. Get it? Did you see what I did there? Spank? Dork? Haha! I kill me!

“This could be a close fight”? Dude, when I get done working over your sorry ass, even the D.I. (note for those not in Utah: DI = Desert Industries. Kinda like Goodwill, but Mormon) won’t take it!

Leer? The flaming-poo monkey has an attack called “Leer”?! Oh god, the irony!

Yay, Razor Leaf!

Aw, Dork lost. Who knew he could be such a pu-…nah, I won’t make that joke.

Oops. Forgot I was updating this thing.I now have a cricket-thingy monster –CrktInTmSq.

A Shinx –ConEdison- joins the team. The Bidoof is still the only unnamed Pokemon.

Crap. ConEd got k.o.’d by a critical hit in the final round. Probably should have healed the little bugger first, huh?

Gods, Machop looks like a neutered gay man with a yellow bone mohawk. Only, more lame than even that.

Wait, this girl got a Gym Badge using a Bidoof? They gym leader must be a complete p****. Or she {joke redacted in the interest of good taste}

Wow. You can c***block a pokemon’s evolution. That’s just disturbing.

F***! That little punk-ass Abra just buggered off out of the fight!

Geodude is aptly named. Really, most of the original Pokemon names were cool and even kind of clever. The new ones? I’m not a fan.

Chryst. Another challenger. I have this vision in my head of some poor trainer trying desperately to get to the hospital, but everywhere she turns there are other trainers demanding that she battle. She knows that she must follow the Code of the Trainers and accept each challenge, but the quiet desperation of her situation is writ in strain the lines of her face. Lines that will never go away.

Okay, what the hell is GranySmith doing before every round? It shounds like he’s trying to huck up a hairball, and there are these little rings of light that surround him.

Need nap, again. More later.

 
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