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10:50 PM on 05.26.2008

Inpressions of a Pokemon Neophyte - Look, I'm Going to Start Drinking Edition

Day One.
Day Two.
Day Three.
Day Four.

When last we left our intrepid heroine, the hardly-pubescent wonder had just handed a Team Galactic Boss her ass on a silver platter. Now, she is grinding her pokemons to higher levels before continuing on with her “adventure”.

Hiker Nicholas accosts Emo-kin! Creepy old man in the woods throws his rock snake at my barely-legal avatar. Nintendo’s creepiness knows no bounds!

Emo-kin captured a Buizel! I was going to name it something clever like WaterWeasel, but then I saw it was actually a Sea Weasel pokemon, and cleverness got tossed out the window. Meet SeaWii!

Thank you, folks! Thank you! Try the veal, and don’t forget to tip your waitresses; they work harder than I do.

Battle Girl Kelsey hops into battle in a stripperific outfit. Bet she’s gay. GAY 4 POKEMONS!!!!

Look, I drink…and that’s all the excuse you’re going to get on that one.

Gawddammit!!! Hokkigai was this (>|<) close to gutting Kelsey’s Machop when the androgynous bitch whipped out a fukkin’ Austin Powers-grade Karate Chop. Okay, okay, it was “Judo Chop” in AustinPowers 3, and only Austin’s dad used it, but you knew where I was going with it, right?

Fine, screw you. I’m going to keep drinking.

Man, the water weasels are all over the place around here! Oh, and one of the phallic little bastards just spit a stream of water at Hokkigai. I swear, once my water weasel learns the Water Gun attack I am going to use it at every turn, all the while screaming “I BUKKAKE … FOR GREAT JUSTICE!” at the top of my lungs. I figure it’ll take about five minutes before my housemates decide to put me down.

The temptation to make shite up is pretty tempting right now. I’ve got hot Shellos-on-Shellos action going on right now, and I really want the other Shellos to use Mud Slap so I can scream out “Slap Fight!!!”

Oh, thank you Benevolent-yet-Capricious Gods of Pokemons! SLAAAAAP FIIIIIIIIGHT!!!!!!

Dude, Hokkigai totally bitch-slapped that other Shellos!

Okay, bugger this level-grinding noise. I need to move on as my patience is getting sorely taxed.

Eterna Forest: Where Time Stands Still. And it’s full if Budew, the Pot Pokemons. I think there just might be a link between those two.

Eff me! Granysmtih just gotten taken down by a Beautifly and a Pachirisu! Maybe I’ll have Marellus give them a working over?

Nah, I’ll drop in my severly underpowered water weasel, SeaWii!

Oh, SeaWii already knows Water Gun. I BUKKAKE … FOR GREAT JUS- Ah, f*** me! SeaWii got fried by the Pachirisu’s Spark. Time or Plan C.

Bring out TheGIMP!

DAMMIT!!! Now TheGIMP is down, too. Time to bring out Marsellus.

Mo-fuggin’-A! That Beautifly is kicking my ass. I. MUST. HAVE. THAT. POKEMONS!

WT…F?! I had to stare at the sprite for Buneary for a good little while before I realized that A) his head was not on backwards, and B) the red bulge in his groin was not either a tumor, or a painful swelling of his testes. It's only one of his feet.

I need more beer.

Captured Cascoon. No nickanme. Or a nichmane. Or even a nickname. Dammit, I haven’t had that much to drink!

I BUKKAKE … FOR GREAT JUS- dammit. That wasn’t very effective at all. I really need to grind SeaWii up some levels, but levelling up in this game is so goddamned boring!!! Yes, even more so than in a Final Fantasy game.

You know what this game needs? More beer. I’m going to go get some while you folks take a break. Sounds good, hmm? Later.   read

11:24 PM on 05.09.2008

Impressions of Pokemon Neophyte: I Haven't Traded the Game Yet!

Day 4: Time for a recap!
Pokemon in play: ConEdison Shinx
Granysmith Grotle (evolved Turtwig)
Marsellus Geodude (got captured with TheGimp)
TheGimp Machop
Tempura Magikarp
Pokemon Spotted: 21

Gonna swat the Bug catcher boy!

Ouch. I regret making that pun.

Ooh, Twin pokemon abusers! Thats hawt.

And now I can plant and harvest berries for my pokemons. The excitement just keeps going strong.

Oh, and I can trade Berries for Accessories. God, please kill me now. Waitno, not me. Kill this game.

Ah, Team Galactic. I was wondering when theyd show up again.

A Pachirisu. An electric squirrel. We have a breed of squirrel in Little Cottonwood Canyon called Uinta Ground Squirrels. We call them potguts. The little buggers get into everything and it would be awesome if we could electrocute the fat little pests.

The electro-potgut is now called GunFodder.

Like Im really supposed to win with a Pokemon like this! said the Galactic grunt as I fed him the pokemon pate Marsellus made from his Glamcat, or whatever it was. And with that one line, my respect for this game has risen. Its still lower than a snakes ass in a drainage ditch, but it has risen.

sigh Fetch quest back to town.

Hey! Team Galactic just tried to make a witness (me!) disappear. Respect goes up another notch.

Silcoon. Seriously?! A f***ing cocoon pokemon? Really scrapping the bottom of the barrel, Nintendo.

And yes, any gains in respect have now been wiped out by that one pokemon.

Team Galactic has a sense of irony. And emo. Lots of emo.

Bullet seed. Hehe. It looks like the other pokemon is getting slapped in the face by lots of balls. Hahaha! Granysmith teabagged the Zubat!

Dick jokes? Still funny.

Team Galactic: Not Very Tough, but Good for Comedic Relief. Which, I guess, is the whole point.

Why is not naming my Bidoof so nihilistically cool? This game makes no sense.

Oh boy, a whole building full of Team Galactic to bitchslap.

Yay! ConEdison learned a new attack.

Purugly is defintely aptly namedbuuuuut, its not quite as fat as my cat.

Look, I know these games are targeted towards a younger audience, but still, giving one of the Galactic Commanders only two pokemons, and Zubat as one of them?! Cheesus, give me a f***ing challenge!!!

Balloon-based Pokemon. F*** me.

Hey there Little Camper! Ooh, what a pretty, pretty pony you have there! You wouldnt know what to do with a girl if she landed in your lap, would you?

Oh f***. I forgot to heal up Marsellus. And Ponyta burned me for that mistake.

Yeeee-ah, Im going to need a water-based pokemon. And soon.

No, Magikarp doesnt count.

Dammit! The water pokemons around here are getting away from me.

Holy crap! Stoner Lady Elizabeths Budew just totally sucked my geodude dry!

Eh, I dont want to wander all the way to Eterna City tonight. Thus, Ill end it here for tonight.   read

12:05 AM on 05.05.2008

Impressions of a Pokemon Neophyte: Day Three and Still no End in Sight

Okay, having pantsed the Oreburgh gym leader, I am off to explore that one part of Oreburgh Cave I couldnt get to earlier!

Wow. Dork just rear-end me. Heheh. Dick joke.

Aaaand Dork takes off again. Truly, an ADHD-weasel on meth.

Oh hell, I have to sit through that animation every time I used Rock Smash in the Overworld? Ugh.


The f***?! PsyDuck busted out of my Pokeball! Onix I could undrstand, but friggin PsyDucK? Obviously I am not abusing these litle bitches enough before trying to capture them.

Psyduck gets no name, just tossed into pokemon cryo.

Dammit! I am getting severely distracted while playing tonight. Youtube. RetroForce. My housemates wounded cat. The playful breeze sliding in through my open door, seeking to know if I want to come out and frolic in the backyard. All this is keeping me from this game. But fear not! I shall push on and persevere. Nothing shall dissuade me from my chosen quest. Nothing!

Okay, Ive been dicking around down in this cave and all Ive come across is some sparkly stardust, a kid on a bicycle, and a new toy to teach a pokemon a new technique. Oh, and Ive blown up lots of rocks

Ah, I need a bicycle to go farther. That explains it.

Back in Jubilife City.

SooooTeam Rocket is out, then? To be replaced by these douchebags.

While beating up on Team Galactics little pokemon, Marsellus learn Rock Polish.

Hee! Marsellus polished his rocks! Ah, dick jokes.

And a fat guy just gave me a Fashion Case because I battled the bad guys. That would be less creepy if my character wasnt a barely-pubescent girl.

Buuuut, now I can get into the t.v. station! You know, I dont think that there is anything not even vaguely Pokemon-related on t.v. in this world. The only news is about Pokemon trainers. The only fashions shows are about pokemons. In fact, it seems the whole worlds economy is based around the exploitation of pokemons by sociopathic tweens from broken homes!

Damn. I just got worked by a reporter! Took me using Marsellus, GranySmith, and TheGimp to take down her Chatot.

Uh yeah. Another creepy fat guy going on about how cute my pokemons are, and how he wants me to dress them in his boudoir. What kind of man gets so excited about dressing up pokemons, and taking pictures of them? The really sick, creepy kind, thats what.

Wow, Ive defeated 100 pokemon. This calls for a celebration. I think Ill go to bed before the excitement kills me.

Psyche! No rest for the wicked! I continue on!!

So, how do I know how friendly my pokemon are feeling? I cant find anything in the status menuof course, I really havent been looking too hard.

I like to think that in this magical world of pokemen, there are trainers who have been real dicks to their pokemons, and after a while one of the little sins against nature just snaps and gores the owner, leaving nothing but a splash of red and viscera-covered bushes. Ah, dare to dream, young Goggolor. Dare to dream.

I dont have anyone to play with, but Im going to make a group anyway.

New group DiqJoke.

DiqJoke. Thats a great name! Oh man, the hilarity!!!

No, you cant be a member of my group

Because I dont have a wireless dongle

But also because Im an anti-social dick

But mostly because I dont like this game enough to want to play it against others.

Okay, enough of JubiLife City! Time to move on.

My dad gave me some pokemon. Theyre going to win for me! Oh my lord. Pokemon has trust-fund trainers! Kid, I am going to beat your pokemons, take their pokemon pink slips, and send you crying home to lie to your daddy about how you lost them.

Man, Magikarp has the worst facial expression. Ill use Marsellus.

You know, the real life version of this battle would have a carp flopping around on dry land, trying to breath and desperately trying to make its way back to water, while a lump of granite just sits there, doing nothing.

Oh crap! I have laundry in the wash. Im going to need that for tomorrow, tomorrow, and tomorrow.

Which creeps in this petty pace.

From day to day.

Until the last syllable of recorded time.

You know, Macbeth could well have been talking about the agony of playing Pokemon games, rather than the dreary existence that had been his.

I should really buy some more pokeballs.

Hey, thats right! I have a fishing rod!

Wow. Fishing is really f***ing boring.

One of my pokeballs is shaking. Why is my pokeball shaking?

Man, Marsellus just totally had his balls drained by that Budew.

Speaking of Budew, have I already captured one of those?

Oh right, this is a trainer battle. Cant capture it.

Aaarrrgh! Frickin wild Bidoofs. The little bastards are like rats, only cuter in a really creepy way, and far more useless.

HmAroma Ladyuse Budew. Yeah, shes a stoner. You know, Nintendo really does try to sneak a lot of shit in, dont they?

Caught a Pokemon! Fishing is still boring, but its nice to know it isnt completely useless. Oh, and the Magikarp is now Tempura.

Okay. Going to bed now. More later.

You lucky devils, you.

Crap! I still have laundry int he washer!   read

10:39 PM on 05.01.2008

Impressions of a Pokemon Neophyte II - Pokemon Harder

Day Two of My Ongoing Quest to Discover Why These Games Are So Damned Popular. Five hours in, and I still have no f***ing clue.


If its Pokeday, it must be Oreburgh City! Uh, is this place underground? No, its just depressing.

Hmm a new toy that teaches Rock Smash. Now, what are the chances I am going to need that to progress?

Oh, cruel fate! GranySmith has a full roster of moves, leaving only my Bidoof as being able to learn Rock Smash! No. No! I refuse to let Fate toy with me in such a manner! Screw you, Fate! Do you hear me? Take your grand plan and shove it right up your tangled skein!!!

Oh hey there, Dork.what the eff do you mean you got your badge?! F***! F***! And now I have to fetch-quest to find the f***ing Gym Leader? F*************!

Shoved that Bidoof into storage. Now to go grind my other pokemons up to a semi-respectable level.

O-okaaaya Pokemon game just gave me an idiots guide to how coal is made. If it had actually said that coal is the compressed carcasses of dead Pokemon, I would have immediately declared this game to be the Greatest Game Ever.

Seriously, Im wandering arounf a f***ing museum for f***ing coal in this game. Why? I mean, can this game get anymore tedious and boring?

Oh, ouch. I just got told by a NPC that my Pokemon were weak. Well their strong enough to F*** YOUR S*** UP, DICKWEED!

Sorry, too much caffiene.

The Oreburgh mine is operate with the utmost care. We avoid causing damage to the natural habitats of pokemon! Bulls***. Youre strip-mining that hole for all its worth, and forcing the pokemon that live there to work for you.

Oh, the neutered gay Machop is back! You are mine, bitch!!! Eat Razor Le-ahhhhh, CRAP!!! I wanted to capture it, not eviserate it! Dammit

Okay, second chance at bagging a gimpgoing to go with ChiknLttl for this one.

The gimp used Leerheehee!

I bagged me a gimp! Machop is now TheGIMP, and I aint letting him out of his box! Though if I do, the first Pokemon he defeats is going to be called Marsellus.

Making ConEdison my primary pokemon so I can level the litle bugger up

Aaaand his first opponent is a Geodude two levels higher than him. Crap. Crapitycrapcrap.

Okay yeah, this isnt working.Time to bring in TheGIMP!

Muuuch better. TheGIMP made Geodude his bitch! Geodude got renamed to Marsellus.

Tossed ChiknLttl and CrktInTmSq into the magical pokemon computer for safe storage. Dont need the little bitches.

TheGIMP learned Rock Smash! How fitting.

Oh, thats right. Cant use that ability until I pants the Gym Leader and teach him to cry like a little girl.

TheGIMP has prblems with flying creatures. Really, I should have seen that one coming.

Zubats cant hit the broadside of a battleshipaw f***! They can, however, hit with that annoying Leech Life attack.

Aw crap! I meant to capture Zubat, not kill it. I keep doing that.

No going to bother renaming Zubat. He is there for completion only. ThoughI seriously doubt I have the wherewithal to be able to stomach trying to capture all findybillion pokemons.

And no, when done I will not show you them.

Cheesus, what is it about this game that makes me so damned sleepy? Oh right, the monotony and tedium.

Man, Nintendo sure does flog the hell out of the online/cooperative aspects of this game. Its rather gawddammed obnoxious. If I wanted friends, I wouldnt be sitting alone in my room playing video games!!!

Plus, my housemates just looked at me funny when I told them I was playing a Pokemon game.

Alright! What I Be by Michael Franti makes Pokemon grinding so much more enjoyable!!

Oh god, what did I just write?!

9pm! Time for a Schlock Mercenary break.

TheGIMP is cutting a wide swath through the wild Geodude population.

It is really lame that Pokemon can only know four techniques at a timebut gods, would it be nice to be able to permanently forget shite that easily? Kicked your boss in the scrotum while hammered? Forgotten! Took home the ugliest guy/girl in the bar? Never happened! Played through an entire Pokemon game? As if!

Oooh! An Oni-wait, what? Damnall this time I thought they actually spelled it onyx. Silly Goggolor! Logic is not for pokemon games!

Heh-hehthe wild Onix got harder battling my gimp. Dick jokes. Still funny.

F***! The Onix shrugged off my Pokeball. F***! He did it twice; this time against a Great Ball!...heh-heh great balls.

So now that I am not beating up kids, but adults, for their lunch money, I am getting a lot more.

Brought GranySmith Back in to deal damage to all these wild Geodudes. Absorb is surprisingly effective against them.

WaitI had to follow that little c***slapper all the way down into this mine, only to have the rockhumping little bastard run back to town?! Aaaaargh!!!!!

Okay, GranySmith is doing that bouncing-growling-glowy ring thing before every attack again. What the hell is that? Anyone? Seriously, if you know, please tell me.

Gah! Geodudes every third step!!

Man, GranySmiths Absorb just sucks the energy out of geodudes faster than a twenty dollar whore giving out blowjobs at the Republican National Convention!


Ughthe gym is full of little wanna-be gym leader losers! Granysmith's absorbs a couple more geodudes and an Onix as appetizers to the main course

What a disappointing fight. Expected, but still disappointing. All Roarks Cranidos did was Leer at Granysmith, while Granywmith sucked it dry!

COOL! Granysmith evolved into a turtle with lettuce on its back!

Okay, got my first badge, and Im stopping here. More later.   read

8:55 PM on 04.30.2008

Impressions of a Pokemon Neophyte

Hi, Goggolor Ascendant here! The day I decided to join the Dtoid Community is the same day I decided officially find out why the Pokemon games are so damned popular. I tried getting a copy of Pokem Pearl for the DS through Goozex, but after three different people failed to respond to the trade request, I finally bit the bullet and went to Gamestop.

Upon getting it home and starting it up, I decided to keep a running journal of my impressions of the game. And that is what you will find below; typos, lame jokes, and all. Enjoy!

[i]Start-up: Graphics are kinda 16-bit over all.

Character Selection: Guy model looks like a dips***; Im going with the girl; Ill call her Emo-kin. Wait, thats her sidekick? Dammit, cant go backgoing to name him Dork take that Nintendo! Feel the burn!!

Conversation w/townspeople: Youre going to hang with Dork again, right? You two sure are tight! Hee-hee! Get it? Cause shes a girl, and girls (most of them, anyways) like dick, and dork is slang for penis! The unintended hilarity that my unconventional naminger, convention instills is limitless!

Oh man, Dork is hyperactive and obsessed with money. Its like hes a coke-out Wall Street wanker. A dick indeed.

Pokemon time! So, I have the choice between a turtle shell-wearing apple, a flaming monkey, or a blue bird. Crap, these Pokemon are ass! I want Squirtle or Bulbasaur! Hell, Id even settle for Pikachu. Lets seechances are that the the fire monkey wont have a flaming poo attack as this is a Nintendo game. Pity, that. Imagine a Conkers Bad Fur Day meets Pokemon game. That would be awesome. Still, a bubble-spewing bird, or a mutant turtle/apple. Crap. F*** it. Going with the granny smith turtle!

It figures that Dork would go for the flaming poo-flinging monkey

Running shoes?! Why the f*** do games insist on making players use items in order to run? This is the twenty-first f***ing century! We dont need items inorder to be able to run in video games!!!

Dorks Mom[snicker]. Man, dick jokes never get old.

Bidoofits mother was a hamster, and its father was a beaver that smealt of elderberries.

Wow. Pokemon combat at low levels is hellaciously tedious and boring.

Yeah, the game is putting me to sleep right now. Time to take a break and come back later, when Im not so spaced.

Oh. Yipee. I captured a Bidoof. Damn thing definitely does not rate a nickname.

He just cant sit still, that boy. I wonder who he takes after. Huh, it seems that Dorks mom either cant remember what her husband was like, or as is more likely, doesnt know which of the hundreds of men shes bedded was his father.

Sothere are no fathers any where in Twinleaf town? Is it like a refuge for unwed mothers? A secret government fertility clinic, where women are impregnated by Pokemon? EwPokemon furry pr0n.

Huh, Emo-kins mom is a bit of a passive-aggressive martyr. Nono honey, you go off on your grand little adventure! Ill be fine herealonewith nobody to talk to, and nothing to do but have sex with strangers for money Or words to that effect.

Dorks Mom: Excuse me, is my little Dork here? Hahahaha! Dick joke.

Waithow the hell do I earn money in this game? Dammit, my copy didnt come with an instruction manual.

Finally, Granysmith learned a new ability!

Gah! In-game tutorial for something I alread figured out how to do!! Jesus, like using a Pokeball is really that damned hard. If Ash could figure it out, I certainly can.

Oh hell. Twiggy McLoserboy wants to battle me. Kid, I will bury you!!!

Oh, so thats how I make money. I beat up little kids like that and take their lunch money. I can live with that.

Crap! You cant take two steps without tripping over some idiot that wants to battle. And shes using a Lvl3 Bidoof? Girl must be into spankings.

Yay! More lunch money.

Can I capture another trainers Pokemon? Well, I wont know this battle. I got a crit on the little bastard, and down it went.

Is XP split between pokemon who battled? Crap, yes, it is.

Oh god, leveling up all the Pokemon is going to be a stone-cold bitch. I dont have the attention span for this shite!

Beat up a couple more school kids and took their lunch money. Also bullied them into giving me a new toy.

Clown-hunting for fun and watches.

Okay ersiously, where the hell is the third clown? The town isnt that big

Oh, the town does extend that way. Duh.

Poketch. Yay. Oh hey, it has a step counter. Brilliant.
I am going to spank Dorks ass. Get it? Did you see what I did there? Spank? Dork? Haha! I kill me!

This could be a close fight? Dude, when I get done working over your sorry ass, even the D.I. (note for those not in Utah: DI = Desert Industries. Kinda like Goodwill, but Mormon) wont take it!

Leer? The flaming-poo monkey has an attack called Leer?! Oh god, the irony!

Yay, Razor Leaf!

Aw, Dork lost. Who knew he could be such a pu-nah, I wont make that joke.

Oops. Forgot I was updating this thing.I now have a cricket-thingy monster CrktInTmSq.

A Shinx ConEdison- joins the team. The Bidoof is still the only unnamed Pokemon.

Crap. ConEd got k.o.d by a critical hit in the final round. Probably should have healed the little bugger first, huh?

Gods, Machop looks like a neutered gay man with a yellow bone mohawk. Only, more lame than even that.

Wait, this girl got a Gym Badge using a Bidoof? They gym leader must be a complete p****. Or she {joke redacted in the interest of good taste}

Wow. You can c***block a pokemons evolution. Thats just disturbing.

F***! That little punk-ass Abra just buggered off out of the fight!

Geodude is aptly named. Really, most of the original Pokemon names were cool and even kind of clever. The new ones? Im not a fan.

Chryst. Another challenger. I have this vision in my head of some poor trainer trying desperately to get to the hospital, but everywhere she turns there are other trainers demanding that she battle. She knows that she must follow the Code of the Trainers and accept each challenge, but the quiet desperation of her situation is writ in strain the lines of her face. Lines that will never go away.

Okay, what the hell is GranySmith doing before every round? It shounds like hes trying to huck up a hairball, and there are these little rings of light that surround him.

Need nap, again. More later.[/i]   read

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