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Glowbear's blog
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Glowbear avatar 2:29 PM on 01.02.2013  (server time)
Super really real reality games

As the years roll on and fly past us, gaming seems to want to become more realistic. Why exactly I'm not entirely sure, no one asked games to reflect how life really is. I mean isn't the purpose of fiction, some times to just get away from reality? But still if realism is the aim, then lets get gritty here, lets get physical...physical, I wanna get...oh right and um lets get (that trait I despise) pedantic. You want to make a game that's real, a game that is true to life in as many aspects as possible without blanking out the fact that you're on a spaceship shooting pigface creatures whilst boning a half android, half chipmunk male call Marlene?
Well sorry to say game developers, but graphics alone won't cut it. This is reality, this is LIFE!!!

If you catalogue every game that exists or even mainstream games, you'll find that quite a lot of them feature the good old porcelain saviour, the toilet pot. A fair statistic will also show that a lot of those toilets are interactive. You walk up to one, press a button and you'll hear a flushing noise or see some water swirl.

What is the point of that? In terms of an interactive feature of a game, it's pretty ridiculous and useless, but in terms of being realistic well that's another matter. Surely it would make more send for the charatcer you're playing to actual use the toilet, even imitate without showing too much a urinary action. Why is it that you never see gaming characters use the toilet - if games want to get more realistic, the basic fact is that when you've spent hours travelling rough terrain in a buggy and then spend a fair amount of time fending off enemies, you're going to at some point in the space of the day or days, need to relieve your bowels.

Even the damn aliens have the sense to take a few minutes to wee!!!

Even more shocking to the pro-toilet gamers amongst us (oh I'm sure there's millions with feelings towards this subject that outdo my own hardcore opinions), is when a character drinks water or a can of lemonade and then goes about their business, without doing their business. If you want to make up for not having our characters, especially the human ones, rid themselves of their waste, then at least do the decent thing and depict the reality of what happens afterwards. You're sneaking through a corridoor, you feel your buttocks clench, you keep on going, struggling through the pain to complete your mission to save the galaxy and just as you turn a corner BOOM, your rear end explodes, game over.

The same goes for eating. You got to eat to live and you got to eat to maintain yourself especially during energy draining shootouts. A snack bar from a vendign machine doesn't count. You need a good hot meal. With potatoes. Always potatoes.

Has anyone seen Jack Reacher yet? Well you should go check it out, it's pretty good. There's a scene in it towards the end, that I don't want to spoil for you but basically some muscly Kratos jawed goon, with one shot, punches a girl in the face to death. It's quick, it's brutal and it's over.

Oh sucker punched doesn't begin to describe that scene

In fighting games, you can kick someone with the mighty force of a menstrating mother nature, causing them to fall off a cliff edge and smash into the ground below. They will then just get up and continue to fight without any reduction of speed or precision in their movements (unless the person controlling them is drunk). So in reality, humans can take a lot, but sometimes the simplest things can kill us. A kick to a specific part of the body can transform us, against our will, into leaping Snoopy's having an LSD kick.

A punch to the face if direct and hard enough, can kill us in an instant. So fighting games, you mean to tell me that I can have a bear sit on me and beat me severely and I won't die? Better yet, I'll be able to make a comeback. Your lies will kill us all.

The same can be said for any game where you get shot. Majority of games out there you can take a lot of bullets before you're out for the count, also in that number games don't always offer a penalty or downtime from being shot. Some games are a bit closer to home like Ghost Recon Future Soldier, where it doesn't take much to either knock you down or kill you. But even then, a buddy can come along rub your soldier til the circle bar does a 360 and you've suffered no withstanding injuries.

Violence isn't the only thing that games offer, they also showcase the chance to woo, court and do obscene night time activities. In Mass Effect you can form a romantic relationship with a few characters, each game introducing a new one. But you are only allowed to keep one from a certain point onwards in each game. For example, if in Mass Effect 1 I am fooling around with both Liara and Ashley, at some point I will have to choose one and one alone. Typically not only are you a cheating s.o.b but you also get to have sex with them both and then they stupidly still want you to pick them, instead of dumping you.

One of my playthroughs consisted of me maintaing a steady relationship with Liara through the 3 games. There was a point in Mass Effect 3 whereby an innocent offer of my shower to my new Kelly Chambers, led to bubbly sex. Later on I visited Liara and she knew. She knew what I had done and without giving me an option, dumped me. First of all, how did she know? Second of all how was she so calm and ok with it for the rest of the journey and third of all, why now did you decide to give romantic partners a backbone to kick your cheating ass to the curb Bioware?

People don't take cheating as well as Liara did. Unless they've been made Tranquil.

*Original Bioware artwork of Tranquil facial features*

Another thing that bugged me was, who on earth would chose to date some of the characters in that game?

When you play a game that has your playable character traverse a large map, possibly trekking various countries around the globe and they don't have a chance to catch their break, because the world needs them to save it as soon as possible, how can their companions stand the smell that comes off them? The same clothes on their sweaty bloody backs should be enough to knock out any opposing forces near the last act.

This is what life is game creators, it's full of turmoil, romantic ups and downs (up 'n down up 'n' down...), hungry people, angry punchers and everyone needs to take a piss!

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