The forest was dark, speckled with luminous orbs from the moonlight above. The field the young heroine came from had been a treacherous one to traverse. The haunting echoes of drunken sheep filled the air and the young would-be hero filled her pants.
She had started her quest a long time ago; fickle fleeting things like time had lost all meaning to her now. She just knew that for a long time she lamented over the prize, the myth, the legend that few believed in and even fewer dared to find.
Slowly she crept through the briars and foliage, careful not to awaken the polka dot capped children of Toad and rouse from slumber the baby Rachni that lay in the soil, like dirty bed bugs, only they sing show tunes to communicate with each other.
Oh those crazy party anim...insec...things
She had first heard the tales of this wondrous game existing after spending a night in a bar talking to an esteemed doctor, who despite having exceptional medical skills was unethically pissed all the time and groping most of her interns.
Many had denied the game would ever come into existence, some hopefully, desperate cretins, somewhat like the heroine herself, refused to believe in such a dark reality. If there was justice, if there was hope, then there would be this game.
Here she was after battling engorged homosexual soldier twins called Marky Mark Fenix and That Latino Guy who won’t stop crying, winning a round of strip poker with half the female cast of Dead or Alive
(aka One Boob is Dead, One is Alive on the characters) and feigning off the scummy pocket pinching cockney, that would find her even when she climbed the tallest towers in the lands as far away from East London as you can get, she had come to the end of her adventure.
She had come to the pathway of crimson madness that did not appear in any map and when she saw the young Aryan twin children sitting quite contently amongst the horrors of the forest she had half a mind to turn back.
Dafuq is this shit
She had then coe to the Tunnel of Love
, only it was clear that the person in charge of naming landmarks had taken diabolical liberties, because the tunnel was an unsheltered muddy pathway and there was no love to be found in here, only the open moist pores of rampant daylight fearing nerd-demons.
She struggled on, pushing past the squabbling sweaty nerds that threw boxes of other RPG games at her, baying to convert, to give up. She would not. She stood defiantly, her bones aching before the mundane looking face of the head of EA
, sterning her face so as not to show her complete and utter contempt and also boredom as what her final boss was. She had one trick up her sleeve, one idea that would hopefully distract the EA and once she had gotten past it, so long as she could witness what lay await in that box and grasp it even for a second, it wouldn’t matter if EA returned and swallowed her up in it’s piggycumboxbank of a mouth.
She took out a five pound note and a handful of Microsoft point cards and hurled it as far as she could. The EA picked up the scent of something that represented currency and dashed forward, rampantly trying to find it. The heroine lunged herself forward and grabbed the box, then hid behind a ruined wall. With shaking hands, she slowly began to unlock the box with the key she had previously recovered after promising to engage in a night of unconditional unsolicited sex with Diana Allers
, the great unloved Pokemon, a night the heroine will never forget and never live down. Yes the author has completely neglected to inform you of that chapter of the story, especially as it contained a key that was vital in opening this penultimate quest item, but given that brief summary do you really want the gory details? Do you?! Good I didn’t think so and so we will speak of it no more. No more shall we.
The box clicked and she lifted the lid, a bright light burst free and momentarily blinded the dirty harlot who slept with that annoying reporter and that bloody desperate pocket monster, whilst tied up in silk and dancing to Gangnam Style at the same time. Her eyesight returned to her, but to be fair it never left, so if she whines about that she’s a lying Pokemon shagging bint. Before her was the prize she had wanted for so long, the thing that she had fought for, travelled for ages to hold and did unspeakable things from extremely interesting angles with a spoon, balaclava and box of cornflakes whilst Diana Allers role-played as a news reporter who fell on her head from a great height, twice.
Inside was, to no great surprise to anyone the great game that could ever be, yet never was. The sequel, the climax, the orgasmic interactive story of lore, fantasy, redemption and possibly engaging in intercourse with a walking carpet
– Knights of the Old Republic III
And thus did our heroine make sweet love to the KOTOR III Special Super Deluxe edition of this game, gaining some chaffing irritation and then shared this gift with the world, free of charge. FREE OF CHARGE, GIFT SHARING, SEE WHAT I'M SAYING PETER MOLYNEUX AND YOUR BOX!
For an alternative end to this story, that sadly is more realistic click HAR