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Glowbear avatar 5:45 AM on 08.04.2012  (server time)
Games are me and I am awful

I've noticed that there are five characteristics that computer games know about us and torment us with like a sick sadistic monster!

Money Misers

Examples: Mass Effect, Skyrim, Pokemon

Look lets get this idea that money doesn't buy you happiness out of the way. You like cake, what buys cake? Money. You want love, what helps get you out of the house to meet more people to love and be consensually molested by? Money. You want to not die, what did Jessica Fletcher ask for you to leave on her doorstep so she doesn't gut you? Yes, cold hard cash.

In many games I play it's the exact same thing. I don't want to spend my whole life a scruffy vagabond, the allure of such a nomad wears off in time, as does the layers inside your nose from the stank you produce. I need to upgrade my weapons, my armour and my life and to do that I require money. And make no mistake there are times, when I will do anything to get that money and so would you.

You're roaming along the countryside, desperately needing some coin in order to buy a giant sword that might not necessarily be of any use in battle, but it's green, glittery and sings Macho Man when you swing it. You have a couple of options. Continue to grind and save up your cash or do bad deeds for bad people in order to receive higher pay outs. Now most of the time when I'm playing a game I will always infer tot he side of good because I am a good person. I am so good at being good. Or some nonsense. We all know that you get more powerful destructive attacks and more loot by being a naughty person and that killing beggars on the street is actually a service to society, right? WRONG! I'm a horrible creature and it's because of the dollah/credits.

Games came along then that gave you an option to save your money which was a big help. Because just like in real life if you don't have the actual cash in your hand you don't have the urge to spend it......

No in the bank is never touched by my hands for frivolous things.....

Your mother in Pokemon, would offer to save a percentage of cash you made in every endeavour for you and over time it would accumulate into a fairly decent amount, especially as you progressed and faced the Elite Four. Though I bet if you did some maths you'd come to find out that she spent a secret percentage of your hard earned money on bottles of vodka, because they poor woman lived alone in a small house with an insane looking clown slave.

Skyrim introduced its own method of saving money. You could store some in a box alongside your ghoul harvested weapons, just like in real life. You could make money off your businesses, or your spouse would do the work for you and give you a little bit here and there...but never gave you true love.

Do you see the way she treats me!

In Mass Effect I need to watch my spends and loot everything I can because I need hamsters, action figures and poontang Upgrades to my weapons, armour and ships for me and my squad.
People don't understand, they just don't.

I'm a slave trader at heart

Examples : Pokemon, Knights of the Old Republic

Pokemon is about growing up, the adventures that lie before you, the companions you'll make, the wonderful creatures you'll interact with and finding out what a splendorous world we live in.
Bullcrap, Pokemon is about you getting the hell away from your obsessive mother who thinks you're a little big daft and don't know how to wear or use a pair of shoes and you unleashing the sick desire of being a slaver you've always had and all you needed was that little push, that snort of pokemon crack that Professor Oak gave you.

Hey Kid wanna see what's inside mah balls

I roam fields, caves and valleys stomping upon creatures as they go about their lives, rustling their grass jimmies and stealing them away from their friends and families. Do I really need to beat a caterpie to near death and then confined it in a spherical prison for the rest of its life. I mean even when it evolves, a Butterfree is cool and all but did I need it to further my prospects more than something hardened and tougher like a Dragonite? Even then, how can you look at that giant orange chubby cheeked, ever pleasant looking My Little Dragon replica and not be ashamed of yourself. You forced it to evolve by constantly sending its forefathers out to battle and still when you release it from your ball it looks content. What am I, how can I live with myself.

You trade the Pokemon you've captured with random strangers you meet in houses or streets, like you'd trade your ass for smack in an alley. Every now and again you might come across that other slaver and enquire about the Pokemon you sent away, to ease your burden, but it doesn't.

Knights of the Old Republic has you try and rectify the sins of your past and what do you do? You hang out in a bar and happen upon a Twilek slave and can bargain her life to freedom or servitude. You then have the option to sell your own Twilek companion and let her useless brother rot on a sandy barren world.
When will you stop ruining the lives of gaming characters?!!!

So Ronery. Please come with me

Example : Halo, Fear Perseus Man, Knights of the Old Republic

I like having company in games, as in real life. I like to not have to go through a creepy cavern or house alone and if there is a potential risk to my life, it would be sweet and thoughtful if someone decided to come along with me and possibly, probably, definitely ensure that they die before I do and buy me some time to get the hell out. I'm not asking for much.

In the Halo series every now and again you'll get some aid from UNSC soldiers either on foot or on board the vehicles you drive/pilot. That is if the soldiers ever decide to GET IN THE BLOODY HOG! The soldiers in Halo are quite expendable and easily killed, but in the first two games of the series I tried my best to always look out for them and save their lives. As the series progressed I noticed they became slightly less useless and when manning guns on vehicles would at least fire consistently in the right direction. I realised when they sat on my tank though most of them would let me do the work as they had a nap. I would have appreciated some consistent back up going through the first Flood encountered level in Combat Evolved.

When you are presented with such a barren wasteland such as Mojave in Fallout 3, it's better to have a companion with you to make you feel less unwanted and abandoned, t do most of the killing for you as they can take quite a few hits and to help you when you've become overweight with all the rocketlaunchers you've fitted neatly in your pocket.

Having a friend when this comes at you is also handy...

I would have also liked if my partner hadn't of gotten sucked into a hell hole in Fear Perseus Mandate, but I did my best to drag him out. He screamed and roared and I held on. And I have the achievement to prove it. FEAR is the sort of game where you'll always on your own. Anyone you encounter will be flayed and hurled about like a blood filled water balloon by that little terror Alma. It would be nice to just have someone there helping me out by my side, but instead they keep their distance thinking that the odd comm chatter is helpful. It isn't, you're a bad friend Jin Sun-Kwon.

Hey best buddy old pal, come here a minute and talk to this young lady I gotta um pee

Harking back to Knights of the Old Republic as the Ebon Hawk flies towards the Star Forge where you must destroy the factory you were responsible for activating and your old loppy jawed protegg you were responsible for creating, the right thing to do would be to face everything alone. I mean you're Revan for goodness sake. But no your companions come with you, willing to die to aid you and save the galaxy and you, like the selfish git you are, let them. There's no way you're sitting on the ship Canderous, get out of your litterbox Juhani and use your Jedi Grumble Powers on them never ending drones of droids and dark jedi Jolee.

Sometimes its better in life to have back up and we always prefer it over enduring events in a solo capacity. That we have people at all at times is a heart warming comfort, but lets neither you nor me ever forget that when someone says reluctantly they'll come with us into a spooky dangerous old warehouse that we will be assholes and make them come and probably hide behind them when the reign of bullets and monster claws come our way.

Being an underdog fan causes me pain

Examples : Dragonball Z, Pokemon

As in real life, giving your support to an individual or team based underdog can be a double edged sword. On the one hand it feels good to support something or someone that is lacking faith either in themselves or from others. It's also a big middle finger to the pedestal elevating consensus and when the underdog succeeds it's means more, for the fight was harder.
But then it can go horribly horribly wrong.

I'm a big fan of Dragonball Z and one of my favourite characters happens to be the weakest and that is Yamcha. I wish Yamcha was stronger I wish he had of trained harder and spent some time in the hyperbolic time chanber. Come on man put the effort in. I always like to play him in games and well to be fair most of the dragonball games that exist are all the same. Every Dragonball fighting game is practically the same and the only one that you'd be as well buying is Budokai Tenkaichi because it has a big chunk of characters already unlocked. But my love for Yamcha, an underdog if ever there was one, means that I either need to up my game or I'm just destined to lose all the time. Being an underdog and/or liking one means you have to put up with more clashes of words amongst other people, the grief you give me you lazy Z Warrior you.

Fix your damn clothes you're embarassing me ;_;

I once had an idea to start a new pokemon game in Silver and use really bad pokemon, levelling them up as much as possible but never letting them evolve. So there I am facing a high level gym character with some weedles and for some reason a magikarp thinking that somehow I'll come out of this alive.
It didn't end well that's all I'm saying.

Siding with the underdog or being the underdog can give you grief in other scenarios as well. You can play a game where choice is integral to the progression of not only your characters story but that of everyone in the world (no pressure eh) and when it comes to siding with the big bads who have better firepower and the weaker small forces who's main firepower is, then you need to work twice as hard.
The rewards are there though, you could join a weak team in a co-operative multiplayer setting and if you stick it out, even if some members are worse than you after a while your dedication can help them gain better skills and more experience. Or you could join the already formidable team and lay waste to everyone, laughing manically at no one in your dark room.

Your genitalia and heart decides all

Examples : Any games of variety and choice and also Minesweeper

When playing an RPG or a game with customization or choice in story, character squadmates ect we all more often than nought make our choices based on two things:

1) We pick in a game what we like or would like in real life
2) We pick in a game, the options that are so unique and unusual to us so as to experience something different.

My first play through of Skyrim had me pick a pale old human character (which was the majority of options) and I chose that character based on their skills and a like. But as I played the game I couldn't help but wonder why I did that, when this was a game where you could play as a weird character and we have played so many games in the past with the same old template. So I set up my second save and decided to play Skyrim as a hairy cat and vow to traverse the adventure all over again but wander more unique less earthly roads.

Then when choosing how your character will look, on your first play of a game, if you want it to be your proper definitive one, you'll make your character either as close to you in looks as possible or as close to attractive in your eyes as you can.
Later on when you replay the game, you'll hope to add a chin that looks like a swollen butt and ahair beer belly to your moustachio mad eyed female rogue.

In Mass Effect or other games where you can date or marry a character I originally picked the person I would find closest to my real life desires. That meant that while I loved Garrus he wouldn't get a chance to hop aboard the Shepard train until a good few run throughs in. There's a pun there somewhere.


Our heart dictates our actions and responses as much if not more than our brains do. I never chose to save the Rachni Queen the first time or first 4 times, for any reason other than I thought it was the right thing to do. I don't act like I have OCD and pile all the boxes in a neat pattern in my house at Winterfell for the fun of it, I do it because it looks better and I like a clean home when guests visit dammit!

Games know our pros and cons and our weak feeble human flaws, because we inact them in games. If we want to never be faced with the truth and to wash guilt away there is only one course of action. All games should be extremely linear, offer no options, give a basic mininum wage and ensure that we all live bland sexless lives, in a wasteland where we can do no harm to others with our selfish wants. Won't someone think of the baby

I can't go on, what have I become

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