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GlowBear
9 hours ago - 9:29 AM on 01.28.2015

There is only one forest animal and that is...the....GLOWBEAR!!

 

Shit about to get ghetto Animals of Farthing Wood up in h'ar!









Cramps

Let’s start this off bold and true. The ancient Greek for the word cramps, translates as "Oh lord this is how I am going to die, there is no hope. Amputate the leg". When you game, the main part of your body that undergoes any kind of movement is your hands. Even your eyeballs barely move, as you traverse through whatever level of whatever genre of game you're playing. If you have the Kinect and exclusively play using motion controls, you may only ever endure injuries such as slipping, tripping or face planting the television screen.

As these are temporary, cramps are eternal in the moment. Cramps are your body’s way of reminding you that you are loathed from within. When you stay in a fixed position for an excessive amount of time, cramping can occur. But you may think to yourself "What if I move and stretch a bit every hour". Well my friend, sometimes cramps occur just as you're about to move and then you're well and truly in trouble, because your balance is thrown off, your life flashes before your eyes and as you stumbled and fall through your TV, your neighbours wonder are you enjoying some masturbatory pleasures or are you hacking your own leg, due to the noises and curse words you will omit. Believe me; you will curse like you never have before.

Self Loathing

There's nothing quite like buying a new video game and playing it. I mean that's what you do right....you don't buy games and then leave them untouched do you? Well some of us do, especially when there are sales on.

But we slip up; we let down those that are digitally closest to us. We think that we’re supporting indie developers and broadening our gaming horizons, but half the stuff we buy will be unloved and uninstalled for quite some time. That can lead to many feelings, such as hatred (of ourselves and the game for existing and the person who deemed a sale wave a good idea), disappointment, lack of fulfillment and finally gas.

 

Loss of Limbs

Now you probably won’t actually lose your limbs, as in they will fall off or vanish, but you will temporarily lose the use of your legs. This occurs when a gamer assumes the primal position of either A) sitting in a semi comfortable chair and leaning inappropriately or B) playing games on your bed, thus ensuring your legs remain in a painful straight formation that cannot be changed because it will completely alter, for the worse, your ability to actually play a game.

There’s no way of winning. Don’t even fall for the “If I get a gamer chair, not only will I be comfortable but I’ll be super cool”. You won’t. It’s all lies and your butt won’t feel any better. In fact the statistics for “death by attempting to get up for a low seated gaming chair” are quite staggering.

 

Distorted Reality

Gaming affects us and causes us to murderise people, this has been fact since 2003. So naturally the more we dedicate our time to video games, the more likely that our everyday lives that are detached will become warped.

You’ll assume you can get a date with a hot stranger, in real life, just by exercising a sequence of quick time events that only you see in your crazy, crazy mind.

Someone will holler childish remarks about your Princess Peach T-shirt and your retaliation will be an attempted hadouken to their being, which will result in flat out embarrassing yourself and your friends to death. Ball is life, game is not ball, therefore life is not you. Heed these words and tippeth not your hat at fair maidens.

Gaming Media

Some people can play video games and leave it at that, remaining blissfully unaware of the urban myths come to life or the terrible, ethic scorching sordid dramas that unfold within the industry that is gaming.

But you’re not just a gamer are you, you’re someone who uses the internet and by that default, you’re screwed. It starts with accidentally coming across an article or a post about something supposedly scandalous. You convince yourself the continued perusal is healthy, it’s informative and then you notice that it’s gotten darker outside, the clock has gone forward by an alarming amount and you didn’t even realise that you yourself, just finished posting a 5 page long Tumblr post about something that happened in gaming that you don’t really even know much information about.

But the seed has been planted and you are no longer your former self. You have changed, you have assimilated. You’re a moaning twat on the internet. It’s ok…ssssh….we all are.

Sacrifice of other loves

No more films, no books, no more eating food that wasn’t destined to permanently reside rent free in your veins and pores.

Look what you did!!

Snobbery

On June 25th, 1996, a man called Hubert decided that because he played video games and was very white, he therefore knew more about everything that existed in the world and will exist. This lead to a change in his online text based communications and would begin to creep into his verbal social interactions as well. Hubert became the first snob ever in the world and his disease spread exponentially.

As multiplayer became a more prominent means of gaming for many, the snobbery grew. People would use newly formed dialect to disparage other gamers and shatter their confidence

Video games were the precursor to such social fads as “racism” and “homophobia

The dangers of video game snobbery are made known when you start to claim that someone has not been enlightened unless they’ve played games such as Braid. You’ll scoff at anyone who hasn’t played retro games and does not already have a worryingly large collection of SNES games that are completely shit to play no matter what the decade. The terms “master race” will blurt out of your mouth with an air of utter seriousness and you’ll wish fiery death on people that say they don’t need the best graphics either. And don’t get us started on people who count mobile and flash insults to the art, as a method of gaming.

Disclaimer: Please remember to game responsibly. It is a dangerous hobby, some would say it’s not even a hobby, it’s a life style….or quite possibly a LIFE SENTENCE!









Some of us are not born to be stealthy, some of us revel in the gung-ho gameplay, whereby we see a plethora of cocky enemies ahead and we have seven weapons in our inventory and a handful of grenades and we know what we’re going to do. We didn’t even decide to try a tactful option. It’s going to be messy and you’ve already selected dual wielding as you make your approach.

Then there are people who enjoy pure stealth games and get a thrill from silently infiltrating and disenabling massive compounds. There’s a satisfaction in completing an entire level, taking out your enemies without them even being aware and when they do notice something is up, it’s far too late. That is of course if you don’t mess up. Then you need to rush to stop them from alerting more guards and sometimes you panic and use a bazooka by accident and well it kind of blows your cover in every sense of the word.

So we have the stealth game and we have the aggressive guns blazing game – but what about the games that offer us the option of both? The tactical shooter is what we currently label the stealth shooter game and I’m going to discuss why these remix games are so much fun and why maybe modern day stealth games are actually one long cheat to the end goal.

 

Silence Dance and the Accompaniment of Mayhem

Many game snow that are ingrained in our mind as being shooters, offer a stealth approach to many missions. In fact in the past couple of years and no doubt ahead of us, more games will let you approach volatile scenarios completely, in a sneaky tactical manner, if we so choose.

Examples include the Crysis Series, Far Cry, Deus Ex and even Call of Duty. One game that is particularly enjoyable when played as it is spiritually intended is Wolfenstein: The New Order.

This game which works well as being simple in its goal – fun, chaotic propelling of ammo towards Nazis, also lets you take out a range of enemies stealthily, if you can. All these games, bar Crysis offer the same approach to what is called ‘stealth takedown’, you crouch, move carefully and then when close enough hit whatever button automatically enter stealth kill mode.

Crysis as a series encourages you to use more tactical approaches by giving you a wider range of means to execute foes covertly and make the road ahead easier. You can affect the environment, use special gadgets, even the ultimate cheat in stealth, invisibly – all to make the path ahead easier and also add variety, which many people claim is lacking in big FPS games.

The heart of Wolfenstein is a FPS, guns blazing, ammo everywhere and health packs being your best friend. You can stealth kill if you want, in fact it might be easier, but it’s not the essence of the game. Crysis and Far Cry are presented in way that makes you feel as if you can decide how to play, but why would you waste the chances you’re given.

But do these elements in shooter games, really justify the addition of the word stealth in the game description? I suppose that’s up to you. We’ve talked about games that at face value, are the polar opposite of stealth games, now let’s get a bit closer to the top of the tier.

 

Stab and run, or run and stab?

Ubisoft’s Assassins Creed ticks off a lot of boxes for gamers. It’s billed as an “action-adventure open world stealth video game “. Quite a mouthful, but better than a mouthful of poison blade death right.

In the spirit of the game, you should play as an assassin and by that I mean sneakily and covertly take out your enemies. You have means in which to assassinate prime targets without being seen and then evade once spotted. True hard-core wannabe human eliminator will hope to engage in assassination missions completely invisible, never to be noticed from the moment you enter an enemy red zone, the execution of guards and your main plot related victim and then subsequently you escape from the now aware and volatile area unseen.

All of the games in the series have a standard method and inventory for taking either approach. Some games introduced gameplay that made things handier (I’m not talking about not drowning in 2 feet of water like in the first game, though that was appreciated). In Unity we have our first unique change, a sort of throw-back to the Commandos games, where you can assume a disguise to bypass your enemies, but it will evaporate if you get to close to them. This can be quite a useful trick, so long as you disguise yourself not as the people you’re trying to bypass. Speaking of Commandos, it had the same offer of going stealthy and making your life easier, or risking more volatile approaches which did not guarantee a level complete.

I could have added the Rocksteady Batman games in to this section, because let’s face it they’re very similar, also in their marketing with one coming out every year and not much changing (I do like the games though). But Batman does allow for more freedom in terms of going in and completely annihilating without the need of stealth, even if it is favourable, compared to Creed.

By that rule I’ve applied, I could also add games like Dishonoured, Hitman Absolution, and Deus Ex to name a few.

So while you can go at it from a madman killer perspective, certain games let you know, quite promptly, it’s not the best method and you’ll probably be killed or trapped if you don’t plan things out properly. And if you do succeed by blazing in like a constipated bull, you may only survive due to luck or a glitch in your favour. Some games reward you with that fictional badge of honour that is an achievement boop (well not anymore Xbox One!) if you complete a game that offers a variety of completion methods in gameplay and you choose to be an invisible killer or passer-by of opponents until the very end.

Nevertheless as I said it is possible to take on certain missions of a more abrupt approach, but Assassins Creed is a stealth game, it’s just still not as pure as we need to really feel like what stealth embodies.

See no, hear no, stealth so

Ok we’ve covered a very brief variety of how stealth games actually come in different packages and that there are variant degrees throughout. We have shooters that offer tactical approaches, which still count as stealth but are no necessary at all, because these games usually lump you with a backpack armoury to slew all foes. We have action stealth games, that have stealth in their description title, rightfully so but still allow room to manoeuvre in how true to the art you need to be. Now let’s talk about games that mean for you to be a stealth pro and will let you know without delay that any other tactic earns you a time out in the naughty chair aka the death loading screen.

Translation: Never shoot a donkey with a melon full of lying cheese pens

I suppose it won’t be a shock that I’ll be focusing heavily on Splinter Cell and yet given the recent games released under the title it feels a bit tarnished, not in terms of the games themselves (I found Conviction and Blacklist to be fun enough), but in terms of using this series as a sound basis for what a full blooded stealth game is.

Splinter Cell was one of the first games many people were exposed to that put such a taxing emphasis on truly operating under stealth. I myself remember having to become one with the NSA training program to pass a particular submarine mission.

Thief isn’t just about keeping quiet throughout so that you don’t get stabbed, I mean that’s paramount but it’s also because in a way you have to because being a little tricky voleur is your livelihood. The first few games were pure in essence, you had a code of honour and a code of action. Similar to the laws of Assassins Creed but the darkness of Thief gave an air of no other options. In Creed you character, your decisions rapidly birthed freedom and straying. The newest game in the Thief series, offers a looser approach similar and yet not as polar to how Splinter Cell is headed.

Sniper orientated games could be classified as true stealthy games as well. I suppose many of us assume that stealth means to be clad in black taking out naughty nerdowells from questionable angles rarely with a non-melee weapon.  Sniper Elite is a popular series where you can’t just run away or whip out your RPG to beat your missions with flourish.

 The night is Dark and full of dildos

A think most of us can admit that a common trait of extreme stealth games, is constant replaying and reanalysing your approach after death screens rub your inability to keep the noise down in your face. Truth be told the annoyance comes from my own underdoing’s but primarily from how long it takes to load up from a save file. That’s an irritating for any game!

Could have paid off a mortgage waiting on this game….

I think that stealth plays an important part in video games, as a mechanic for practise (not for real life assassinations of course…of course) and as a style of gameplay we should keep enjoying. Some people find that they aren’t good at a certain genre of gaming and I can see how stealth games might be a scary area for the uninitiated. Yet I believe that it’s a genre that yields reward and skill in repetition (whereas sometimes that isn’t always a naturally honed skill with fighting or driving games). It would be interesting to see stealth games come out further introducing interesting, sometimes accurate and innovative styles of gameplay.









Get rid of Holmes.


Sorry Holmes...but come on, it's Blorp. He's kinda a big deal. Ssssshh go quietly in to the night.

Be more gay friendly



This is how to be gay friendly. There is no other way. And I don't even like anything gay or boobs at all.


Hire some male seahorses



This non straight white anything creature, is the only one on earth that can say "um excuse me shut the fuck up, I'm not your horse" because the males give birth. If that's not "down with the Patriarchy" then I'm Bea Arthur.


Create Merchandise that represents the community



If you don't, Humble Bundle will.


Have extremely likable and humble guest bloggers



The key to a good game review is hot sauce.


Focus on more obscure hidden gaming gems

Finally....more hamsters

That's it, get to it. any more suggestions? Did anyone put the cats out? You're welcome.









Given that I am not employed by Destructoid, there should be no conflict in this particular piece. I am also not paid by or engage in lude acts with Threaks. Though I do engage in raunchy times with German beer. 

The year has gone by quite quickly, as many before have, and while many people are writing about their favourite games or what they are thankful for, I'd like to take this chance to combined the two and give a shout out to a wonderful indie gaming company based in Hamburg, called Threaks.

The guys at Threaks created a video game called Beatbuddy and it's a game that I still play on PC and on iOs. I don't just play the game because it's fun, because I have had extremely pleasurable memories of my interaction with the team behind it when I did press related work for them, but because it's one of the things that helps get through a rather long and depressing commute 5 days a week, to and from work. 

I have helped out or worked for a few game related companies and to be honest the only ones that keep in touch and show actual appreciation, instead of just cutting ties despite you helping to promote their game, are these guys. I was part of the PR team for Maia and spent a lot of time reaching out, sending codes and press releases to various companies. My thanks for this was nothing and then for some reason to be unfollowed by the creator of the game. This is just one example. My point with this is that the gaming industry can be quite a tight clique'd one but only for a few people. It's not that open to letting new people in, without almost ensuring they know there's a class distinction. I've met a lot of lovely people, but I've also been met with a pretentiousness that has no place existing.

The guys at Threaks, are humble, creative, friendly and are one of the reasons that I want to maintain and evolve in larger strides within the gaming industry, because that honesty and openess to engage and offer credit where it's due, it sorely needed. Especially these days when there's so much drama running rampant. This is also something that could be remember by communities.

So thank you Threaks, thank you Germany, thank you Opium, thank you to the friendly Dtoid folk I know and thank you to the people within the gaming industry in the UK who can even spare a moment to say hi and remember we all started somewhere and they all climbed the ladder with the help of other people.

Have a good Christmas and New Year everyone and if you want, check out Beatbuddy, the game or the awesome soundtrack. It made me take a few moments to enjoy a game, bop my shoulders, when some days, lots really, were grey.

Take one!

iOs Review:

Link to the Beatbuddy App: https://itunes.apple.com/us/app/beatbuddy-hd/id774751518?ls=1&mt=8

Link to Beatbuddy on Steam: http://store.steampowered.com/app/231040/ 

If anyone would like a promo code for the iOs version, I have a couple so hit me a DM over at my Twitter @tilderasgrave









Well hello.



We did Friday Night Frights last week and it was a really enjoyable experience. The film chosen was Creepshow (what a load of shit that was...with a surprising cast). This week we want to pick something that ups the anty a bit and go for proper spooky. Or as chav Panza would say "iz propah shitpants m8".

As always place your prefered time (including zone so we can work that shizzle out) and any suggestions for the film. We pretty much decide the actual film at the last minute, but give you time to 'acquire it'.

Don't forget your skype as well!

Look forward to seeing more people join in.