Okay, you guys, I need help figuring this one out. It kept me up all night last night and I though LONG AND HARD about it...

Is Mario a fellow bear, such as myself?

Let's take a look, shall we?

First off, Mario's a "plumber". I've never seen this man work a single day on any pipes. Ever. Even in the movie, Mario makes it look too easy. Almost like he's just faking it. I've done a lot of things in my day to impress guys. I went through boot camp (they didn't ask...) in the army, had an honorable discharge all over my bunkmate's chest.

I had a dishonorable discharge for that, but we dated for 2 years afterward.

Anyway, off topic, I don't think Mario's done much for the plumbing industry to convince me that he's laid ANY pipe other than in the bedroom.

Secondly, we've got this.



I saw this on a game website. This is apparently a suggested outfit for Mario in Galaxy on the Wii. He's also hittin the streets in a bee costume, so this isn't just a question of photoshoppery here ladies. Our man likes to play dress up in adorable outfits and then go traipsing around.

Third. Mario's rescued the princess HOW many times now? 8-9? Either the man is a typical man, ignoring his woman, or he's not interested. AT ALL. I have noticed that Mario seems to hang out with Toad an awful lot and Toad is a twink. Total twink. I think Mario's out there rescuing the princess ONLY to impress Toad and get in his baggy little pants. Toad's also shaped like a mushroom head. I-m-a-g-e-r-y?



Fourthly,

I just discovered this artcle going through Joystiq's archive while researching this. I hadn't seen this until now, so it's obvious to me that they're trying to tip our hat to Mario's true nature.



Pay attention to where the twinkly stars are on the cover art. IT SPELLS OUT A MESSAGE!

"UR MR GAY"

AND there's an erect pecker on the top left of the cover art. AND Mario's staring RIGHT AT IT with a cum hungry grin on his face. Who do they think they're fooling here?

And he's leaving a white streaky trail out of his ass.

Do I need to spell it out any more plainly? Mario's a gay. Big flaming homo-lovin' gay. More importantly, he's a bear. How can I prove this?

The plumber outfit's a dead give away. He's overweight and well groomed, dresses in matching colors, oh, and he's the hairiest son of a bitch out there.

So Mario, I'm hoping your considering doing the right thing next week. Mario, baby, get this load off your chest before I drop one on your chest when you're not looking.

Trust me, it'll make your life so much easier.