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11:49 PM on 07.11.2008

The Beardstroker Part I

I'm in the middle of a summer creative writing class over at Butte U this summer. Take a look at the first part of my writing and tell me what you guys think and if you like it, I'll post more over the next few weeks.


The Beardstroker Part I

Jim had topped off his gas tank back in Spokane. It was a long way from home. It was probably a good 7 hours before the nearest gas station and he needed to make sure he could make it through the mountains.

Driving through Idaho and through to South Dakota had taken a lot more work than originally anticipated. There was a lot of traffic, snow, and icy conditions to deal with. As Jim proceeded on his journey, he'd spent the last few days just letting himself go. He'd even started growing out a beard.

Jim drove off the highway onto a rest stop. He needed to stretch his legs for a bit. It was certainly odd that there'd be a freak snowstorm in early September, but this was wearing him out. 12 hours of backup through Wyoming and he couldn't handle it anymore.

Pulling off of the highway Jim immediately bailed on the car and proceeded into the mens room. He walked up to the urinal and started to do his business. He stretched, rubbing his chest to try and put some warmth back as the cold started to set in.

As he was finishing up, he stopped to shake and he heard the door open. The cold made him wince slightly. He zipped up and turned to face the new person in the bathroom.

"Name's Ronaldo. You look like you need a friend."

"What? No. I gotta go," replied Jim. Jim tried to brush past Ronaldo, but met resistance. Their eyes briefly met, Jim saw an amazingly tangled and brushy mess of facial hair spilling out from Ronaldo's chin. And then at that moment, Ronaldo allowed Jim to pass.

Jim reached for the door and he heard Ronaldo speak, "Nice beard. Catch ya later..."

Jim stopped, then shook it off. He got back in the car, started the engine and got back on the road.


11:41 AM on 04.11.2008

Relax... banned


I was completely unawares that this existed. Huh.

Far more interesting of a song now. I suppose someone will tell me that Wham's music has some magical gay connotation now too.

As if.   read

3:10 PM on 04.04.2008

Friday Night Fights 37 : Call of Booty

Where in the world did Snaileb end up?!


Looks like poor dear Snaileb got sent on the wrong flight! Now our dear Destructoider is making his snail trails through some places that I've only dreamed about! I don't really know much about Friday Night Fights, but I heard it's FAAAAABULOUUUS!

As per the usual, the sexy chaps across the pond have offered their haloes to you! I know, you're expecting a ghey joke or funny link. GET REAL! Since there's been some new mods that will apparently summon the Nintendo laywers from the depths of hell, the PS3 people will exploit it as much as possible. Have fun, bring back pictures! Did I forget to mention Rock Band? Stay Alive is going to be played alot, and Power-Glove has got you covered.

If you haven't signed up for the Call of Duty 4 tournament, you only have little time left! Hurry and make your way there, and email [email protected] for details.

How does this thing work again...? I need a real man to help me out.

Snaileb - Snaileb (I'm joining a Brawl match sometime, but at 10PM EST it's COD4)
Wardrox - Wardrox (Hosting Halo 3)
power-glove - POWER GLOVE (Hosting Rock Band)

Burnout Paradise: Any takes? VROOM VROOM.

Condenmed 2 : Hobo Wars: I heard the Multiplayer was bad. Why is it even up here?

Gears of War: Gears will be hosted at 12PM, EST. Just send Snaileb a message! (Yes, still)

Call of Duty 4: P0WER-GLOVE has been an excellent host these past couple of
months, and his continuing contribution is above me. For epic times, find this group of dtoiders. If he doesn't finish with Rock Band in time, see Snaileb!

Rock Band or Guitar Hero III: Does in fact need more Cowbell. I just downloaded
the Classic Rock track too! Bad assery. See Power-glove.

Team Fortress 2: If you prefer the gimped 360 version over the PC, we got you covered.

Halo 3: Teabagging Edition. If you haven't played with Vexed Alex, you're missing out! HEADSHOT!

Bomberman Live: If anyone wants to get a game going, DO IT. Just let us know! :p

The PSTriple crowd have got their plans laid out, and this section is pertaining to what
games they usually play.

Unreal Tournament 3: Yojimbo is now head chancelor of your PS3 activities, and
you can usually find him hosting this.

COD4: Once done with UT3, it's time for some running & gunning.

Burnout Paradise: Not in the mood to shoot people in the face? Then why not use a

Warhawk: Whether on foot, in a jeep, in a tank or in a Warhawk death is but a
moment away.

Smash Brothers Brawl: Taken quite a while hasn't it? Yes, we've had ALOT of fun messing around with this game. With so many options to take advantage of, you have no excuse!

IRC Channel

I suppose the easiest way to join IRC is through java based chatroom, it's old but easy. Make sure you have a bluetooth headset. Just type in :

/join #dtoid-brawl



Port: 3790

Password: None

There is no password to actually access the server, but the Social lounge does require a password, which is "ftw" without quotes of course. Make sure you have a bluetooth headset. If you need a "how to" guide, these lovely Destructicans have your answer. Go
here if you have questions.

Don't have Ventrilo?

Get it at

Use your 360

I've done this twice and it works every time. Just turn on your 360, join a free XBLA game
(Aegis Wings, Yaris) and voila! Simple, right? Just dont forget that your controller may die.

Team Fortress 2: Custom Maps
TF2 server information

Server: - TF2
Pass: destructoid

We thank you for your continued support of FNF and hope to see you there tonight.

Join us for a game of AMMO at 11PM ET. The game is a free download at, and the game will be running on the server Megamoo. Thanks to all those who voted for the new character in my game; this MOOnday Jim Sterling will be playable in my game.


*Thanks again to Harassment Panda for so much help with the list!


To get any additional information needed on Friday Night Fights, or to even discuss the events before or afterwards, then please visit the Official Friday Night Fights Forums

What are you still doing here? What's that? You don't remember what to do? Well a
quick tutorial of Friday Night Fights is all you need.   read

9:06 AM on 04.01.2008

Well, I fucked up pretty badly, I think. SRSLY, NEED HELP.

Oh man...

What have I done...?

I think I really fucked up bad this time.

Okay, here's what happened. Me and a few bois from the coal mine were over at Mary's for Cosmo Night. Cosmo Night is basically, one of the photographers from Tiger Beat comes out from his ranch and takes pics of us in glam poses and there's $3 ucallits and $2 cosmos all night long. Anyway, I was on my 6th-7th (?) Cosmo when I was approached by this really femmy looking guy. He said his name was Leslie.

Mary's on Sinatra Night

Anyway, we start talking about life and expectations. I told Leslie that I'm looking to settle down and find a partner that I can spend time with and grow old with and he tells me the same.

We head back to my place and talk some more, drink some more... start making out...

And next thing I know, we had sex. It was really awkward. But I was so drunk I didn't really notice anything different.

It wasn't until the next morning that I realized that Leslie was a girl.

I ran out of my place screaming. She was gone by the time I got home.

She sent me a message on myspace asking me what was wrong, I froze up and deleted my entire OS X installation to get rid of the message from her.

I didn't communicate with her for a month or two...

Yesterday night I was at Mary's again for "End of Hibernation" night and Leslie was there with someone else.

Our local chapter

But I noticed that something was different about Leslie. I couldn't quite put my finger on it, at the time, but I think I figured it out.

I think she's pregnant. I mean, I thought she was a man, and I know that two men having sex with each other, they can't get pregnant, but I thought she was a man at the time. Oh god... What do I do?   read

11:53 AM on 03.25.2008

The REAL Official GayBear Endorsement for Decision 2008


I'm a hypocrite and a flip flopper. But I think Hillary's going to address the issues that concern me most.

Like where to buy fabulous outfits and decent hair care products on a budget while in the midst of a recession.

And unlike other candidates, she's promised she won't pull out until the job's done. Good for her. If I wanted that mess on my hands by her pulling out too early, I'll ask for it. Don't just assume that I would want it that way.

In any case, I present to you my convincing argument for voting for Hillary in 2008.


So, she's basically going to win this thing.

And Larry, go screw yourself. I got your voice mail last night and you can laugh at me all you want but it still doesn't change the fact that you think sparkling white wine is champagne.

What a lame-o.


I found this. I think she's a hoot.

I only wish I could be as fabulous as her. I mean, she has a REAL phone in her car. Not some fancy pants bluetooth headset phone. A REAL PHONE.


So jealous.   read

3:28 PM on 03.24.2008

The Official GayBear Endorsement for Decision 2008

I take serious issue with trusting the presidency of the United States to certain parties. It's not a decision I take lightly. The powers that be in Washington set forth to putting out presidential candidates WAY before the general election. So, over the last 18 months or so, I've been looking over who I'm planning on voting for come November. I was still on the fence about this issue for the last month or so, but a recent discovery today has led me to decide to endorse John McCain for President.


I have other valid reasons for backing McCain as well.

I found out that my last BF, Lawrence, was a Log Cabin Republican.

Based upon that information, I've decided that I am aligning myself with the ideals that this represents, if only so I can get Lawrence to continue returning my phone calls.


I'm sorry I lied to you about being a virgin. I should've told you the truth.

Normally, you'd think seeing a guy like me do this on the first date would impress most gay men, but apparently not.

Larry, please forgive me. Call me back. Please. I'm sorry.

Look what I've done to myself. I'm so ashamed.   read

1:15 PM on 03.03.2008

Build-A-Bear Workshop is a dirty, rotten tease @ Amazon today

I have to admit that I got a little excited when I saw the deal this morning. I thought, "finally, someone made a game for ME!" Unfortunately, unlike my Friday nights at Misty's, I'm left feeling empty and alone. I was so hoping to create a fabulous bear of my own in the "leather daddy" style, but someone's frowning on ole' GayBear today. *sigh*


Wouldn't it be utterly fantastic to to make your own big, studly bear, though? Oh, I have so many delicious ideas running around in my head. You could dress them up as your favorite member of the Village People. Oh, I get weak in the knees just thinking about having my very own Freddie Wilson. Someday, GayBear...someday. It's not all bad though, I suppose. I could spend the money on those super cute, new underpants I saw on the internet. Oh oh oh, I've gotta go, everyone.

xoxo   read

12:46 PM on 02.07.2008

The end of an era that ended 2 years ago...

Although at a certain point, I had to suspend my fantasy of being a scoop writer for TMZ, I can still blog my feelings over this matter.

As I sit here on this cold Montana morn, I weep for the loss of one of the great ones.

I realized this morning that it's been nearly two years since her death, but we're still haunted by her presence, feeling the effects of her music on our lives and raves.

RIP Hot Britney Spears

The day the music died, as did the fanboi in my heart.

A Eulogy.

I would like to start out this morning by starting back in 1993.

Miss Spears got her start on the Mickey Mouse Club on the Disney Channel.
After a 2 year stint working for cable TV, she picked up a solo music career getting some notice for being a jailbait spank fantasy for the straights.

And then it happened, everywhere. We were surrounded by images of a girl next door that EVERYONE wanted, wanted to be with, or wanted to play a video game based on her impressive ability to remember choreography.

Miss Britney hit the scene. She was Barbara, Cher, and Liza all in one.

We learned of her torrid non-affair with BFF "Boifriend" Justin Timberlake.



Oh, sorry, got sidetracked.


Uh, Britney was attached to Justin, seemingly out of convenience. But poor Justin managed to get away from her several years later and I cried that day. I lost my idol and her boifriend that day. It was very sad and quiet in my home that night.
Thankfully Justin immediately started going out with pseudo-man Cameron Diaz, so I held out hope of Justin and Gaybear becoming an item someday. I would open any Xmas present Justin would give me by the way.


Okay, I swear, no more justin stuff. I'll save that for later.

Anyhoo... Britney released a follow up album to her debut which pushed her career to new heights.

In 2003, she shared a fantasy kiss that every straight guy visualized in their head for weeks afterwards.

Britney shares a moment with someone's GILF

She fumbled a bit with Toxic, and decided to retire from music. Frankly at that point she'd earned it. She'd toured and recorded almost non-stop for 4 years, it had taken it's toll on her.

Almost hauntingly, she was quoted from this time frame to say about herself, "I'd be happy if someday I was fat with 3 kids in a trailer park." Obviously she wasn't far from the mark in predicting her own future.

In 2004, she was married for a brief 24 hour period to a guy she knew from her childhood. I wonder how this guy managed to stay friends with her this long. That breakup must've been awkward...

Britney: Look, you don't do cocaine and stay up for 36 hours at a time like me, this isn't going to work out...
Soon-to-be-EX: Can we at least screw?

After this ended she wound up in the arms of one of her dancers from her Toxic tour. Mr. Federline was in the middle of a custody battle with an unborn baby from an ex at the time. I was screaming at my issues of US Weekly.


It was emo.

And in 2005, the babies started to rain. Britney started to fulfill her prophecy as a breeder. It got worse from there.

There were the car rides with Preston.

Teaching Preston about being nude and smoking.

Britney looks for convenient ways to dispatch of the baby...

Britney starts to want to show us her assets, despite years of teasing the straight guys.

Britney decides to start giving "it" away to anyone that'll look at it.

And finally, the point where I snapped out of my Haggen-Daz coma to realize that she'd been dead for a year or more...

This was so distressing, that I immediately phoned my friend, Chris, and told him that there was going to be some MASSIVE fallout from this.

He didn't take it so well.

I'm so upset at hearing her recent news that she's on a suicide watch, but for us Superfans, it's just a slow spiral to the bottom.

I'd like to think that 20 years from now, she'll be strong enough to have pushed past all this and she'll be a successful media personality, happy with her 2 kids, and married to Justin.

Rest in Peace, Hot Britney, Rest in Peace.

1998 - K'Fed   read

3:49 PM on 11.15.2007

Exclusive : Matt Groening Interviews World Famous Clown Shoes

I love Simpsons. Digg is a hit and miss with me, but Clown Shoes? That doesn't fly with me. Hey! Why are you still listening to me talk? Listen to this guy try and talk. Maybe I should just let the comments speak for themselves.





3:24 PM on 10.11.2007

October 11th is National Coming Out Day! GayBear's Cereal Announcement! (REPOST)


Okay, so super cerealness time. October 11th is National Coming Out Day. It's a day revered around the world as a day for gay people to confront their personal problems and issues and lay it all out on the line for the people that are not aware of the real situation.

So, in this way, National Coming Out day empowers those with deeply personal secrets to let them loose and help make the lives of those keeping these "dark secrets" a lot easier.

Well, I have a bit of a confession to make to you all...


*This is a repost of the midnight revealing if anyone missed it and/or too busy with work/school to read it.   read

10:53 PM on 10.10.2007

October 11th is National Coming Out Day! GayBear's Cereal Announcement!

[Disclaimer: Hey, everyone. Its electro lemon here. As the CBM's newest memeber I felt it was my duty to tell you; We are in ABSOLUTELY NO MEANS homophobic. As a matter of fact, the person at the helm of "Operation GayBear22" was indeed gay themselves. I, for one, love gay people, and would love to have a LAN party with Richard Simmons & Elton John if given the chance. This also was not our way of making fun of gay people. There's nothing to make fun of. We simply tried to make a male character as feminine as possible, as a joke, not as an insult to gay people. If we offended anyone, I sincerely apologize on behalf of the CBM. Also, please remove that stick from up your ass, and put it back on the tree you were born from. BAI!]


Okay, so super cerealness time. October 11th is National Coming Out Day. It's a day revered around the world as a day for gay people to confront their personal problems and issues and lay it all out on the line for the people that are not aware of the real situation.

So, in this way, National Coming Out day empowers those with deeply personal secrets to let them loose and help make the lives of those keeping these "dark secrets" a lot easier.

Well, I have a bit of a confession to make to you all...


I'm the Community Blog Mafia. All of us. To explain, bhive has the origin story of GayBear22.


GayBear22: Origins

One day in the Community Emailer Chris Furniss sent a link to a Thinkin' Lincoln comic which mocked three major gaming blogs: Destructoid (Killotron), Kotaku (Sounds Japanese), and Joystick (did I say major?).

For some reason I (bhive01) felt I had to create this GayBear22 and leave a similar comment somewhere on Dtoid. As a short-term joke, Gaybear22 would be an inside joke that only those who paid attention to the community emailer would get (and some of you did). I then introduced Gaybear to the Community Blog Mafia (CBM) who took Gaybear22 and turned him into an unstoppable "gay machine." Gaybear stayed alive and strong and let Destructoid members know all about gay-ming in a totally flaming way.

DVDdesign wrote the following about GayBear's "actual upbringing and consequent gay lifestyle

GayBear22 was born in a coal mine, down a dark deep shaft that predicated his future lifestyle. Having grown up around burly miners and cowboys, you'd think GayBear would've been headed for a life of similar means. But when GayBear was 11, he went to New York City... Pizza and Deli, a local pizza shop on Main street. It was there that he had his first experience with the thing that would most captivate him in his later years. GayBear had his first kosher pickle. He was captivated by it. So much so that he took a full 3 days to eat the pickle and cried the whole time at the tragedy of eating such an iconic totem. From that moment forward, he hoarded every pickle he saw. On his 15th birthday, he went out with his friends to the local gas station/bar and noticed something scrawled on the wall of the men's room. "For a good time call Butch" with a phone number listed below. GayBear thought to himself, "If this isn't a good time here with my friends, talking about vagina and how awesome it is, what am I missing out on?" GayBear quickly scribbled the number down and went back to the party.

GayBear lost his virginity to Mandy at 19. It was unpleasant. Mandy describes it as, "He spent the 30 minutes afterward crying like a girl, screaming the whole time. I thought he'd hurt himself or something, cause he kept saying, "What's wrong with me?! What's wrong with me?!"


Shortly after they broke up, GayBear began digging around his bedroom, trying to find a mixtape that wasn't about Mandy when he discovered the scribbled phone number for Butch. Thinking of how low his life had been at that point, and how much fun Butch seemed to offer, he dialed the number. GayBear met Butch that next day for a game of pool at the local gas station. 3 hours later they were in the mens room, where GayBear discovered what the hole in the mens room stall was meant for.

From that day forth, GayBear swore off of womyn (as he puts it, "Women have something to do with men, and I only want men in my life from here on out, so henceforth, they're all a bunch of womyn to me.") and has remained faithful to his fickle pickle's needs ever since.

DJDuffy and DVDdesign set about convincing bhive to run with this character and "make him real". Quick hasty posts were soon made to "gay him up" to a degree, and the results fell overboard. As a result, rules were established to keep the GayBear22 secret amongst the CBM and select Dtoid staffers. Yes, Dtoid has known who GayBear is this whole time.

CBM had established some pretty extensive rules or guidelines, none of which are important to you right now. We did try to go to great lengths and detail to get it just right.

A lot of effort went behind the spoof. We tried as hard as we could to keep GayBear's real identity a secret, but there were leaks from within the CBM. We are a little above naming names on revealing who the leak was, but you know who you are, and we're disappointed you did so, but at least the people you told were wise enough to keep quiet about the secret. We thank you guys for keeping a lid on it.

GayBear's original avatar was created by bhive.

GayBear's blog header was created by DVDdesign.

GayBear's side photograph was found by DJ Duffy.

GayBear's first post was by bhive.

GayBear's subsequent posts were made by: DJ Duffy, DVDdesign, BahamutZero, -D-, bhive01, Snaileb, and ElectroLemon.

Most of the GayBear photoshops were done by either DVDdesign or BahamutZero.

DVDdesign was the voice of GayBear22 on XBL.


Well, that's about it from this drama queen. I hope you bois all had a great time picking on me. We apologize to any men or women who are of the alternative lifestyle who may have been offended by any GayBear22 posts. We hope you were able to see through the over-sexualized jokes and pictures for the silliness that was GayBear22.

Good Night and Godspeed...   read

4:49 PM on 10.10.2007

OMG! Why isn't this on TV right now!?!

I love reality television, but I feel that MY needs on TV aren't being met. I'm not asking for full out man on man, but this show needs to be greenlit like yesterday.



See you gai's 2-morrow!   read

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