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About
My name is Gatsby.

I am an aspiring writer, professional asshole and worst of all, a teenager.

I'm at the age of 19 now, hopefully attending and living at the University of Madonna come fall. The career I'm aiming for now will probably be Nursing in the specialty of ER Medicine, though I'm also interested in anything mental health related.

I'm more of a movie buff than I am a gamer, but when it comes down to it, I love all forms of entertainment. Right now, I'm drifting apart from gaming because I'm poor and generally don't feel that gaming has improved enough over the years for me to keep pouring money into it, but as always I'm eager to discuss games as a medium and will remain a gamer for life, no matter how estranged I am.

I write fiction and non fiction and am currently doing my best to improve in both. I hope to get to the level where I'm skilled enough to have anything published, and I can say that I won't be able to die happy if I'm never able to accomplish my fiction and non fiction goals.

That being said, there isn't a whole lot more to be as I'm an incredibly boring person, so here's a list of some of my favorite books, movies, and games.


Favorite Games:

Sonic and Knuckles
Pokemon Gold
The Super Smash Brothers Series
The Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask
Final Fantasy VIII
Final Fantasy IX
Threads of Fate
Final Fantasy X
God of War
Kingdom Hearts 1
Kingdom Hearts 2
Metal Gear Solid 2
Metal Gear Solid 3
Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney
Metroid Fusion
Metal Gear Solid 4

Favorite Movies:

Pulp Fiction
Goodfellas
Lost in Translation
Kill Bill Volumes 1 and 2
Seven Samurai
The Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring
Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets
The Nightmare before Christmas
Spiderman 2
The Dark Knight
Oldboy
Sympathy for Lady Vengeance
Joint Security Area
Cloverfield
The Godfather
Chinatown
Shutter Island

Favorite Books:

A Game of Thrones
A Storm of Swords
The Name of the Wind
The Great Gatsby
The Good Earth
The Fountainhead
The Chocolate Wars
The Sun Also Sets
(I kind of fell out of reading for most of highschool and am now getting back into it, always down for reading recommendations)




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Forum member Senor Doucheoisie having attended the E3 Scott Pilgrim party ended up receiving a Scott Pilgrim poster that he intends on giving away in this contest

http://www.destructoid.com/blogs/SenorDoucheoisie/the-e3-10-scott-pilgrim-party-da-contest-177106.phtml

This story is the result of a joke involving one of the forum members talking about a fight to the death for the poster.

So being a writer, inspiration struck leading me to write this story, where Senor Doucheoisie, a cruel King, tasks forum members Gyrael, Phantomile, Jay Hitcher(formerly known as Jhitcher42) and yours truly in a battle of epic proportions.
---

The Scott Pilgrim War


With malice in his eyes, and murder in his heart, Gatsby looked upon his three opponents.

Phantomile, with his hair long, disheveled and brown; his white Smashing Pumpkins T-shirt contrasting his dark blue jeans. He clearly had been trying to emulate the great hero Scott Pilgrim, though despite his cries to Senor that his attempted heracy should win him the melee, the cruel Asian only giggled and rubbed his hands together in anticipation of what was to come. In his hand was his prized weapon. A sword engulfed in pink flame so bright that it illuminated all the area around him, he had dubbed it The Power of Love, though many had given it the nick name of "Power of 13 year Old Girl Manipulation", thought not to his face, lest they see it's true power themselves, as many had.

Gyrael, known by many as the Spider Lord, was adorned in spider silk mail, eerily shiny and reputedly indestructible. His skin was pale and his features were hard and gaunt. His mouth was curled into a smile, though his eyes only reflected hatred. Unlike Phantomile who had brandished his weapon openly, the Spider Lord left his weapon concealed under his black cloak. 

Jay Hitcher, unwilling to fight, had been dragged into the melee by two of Senor's Hipster Guard. His blue jeans were now severely worn at the knees and his pea coat was lined with dust after having made contact with the cold concrete. Looking upon his three foes, all fully armored, his nervous fidgeting had turned into pure hysteria. "WHY ARE WE DOING THIS?" he screamed "AREN'T WE SUPPOSED TO BE FRIENDS? SCOTT PILGRIM IS SUPPOSED TO BRING US TOGETHER, OH GOD I DON'T WANT TO DIE." 

Gatsby looked upon the boy and sighed, his voice slightly echoing through his steel helmet. "Young J, you know nothing." 

Gatsby wore a suit of armor that had been dyed black. His bald head, and ridiculously furry eyebrows were concealed beneath a steel helmet sculpted in the likeness of Bill Murray. Sheathed behind his back, was a bastard sword, and in his left hand he held a wooden shield that had the face of Envy Adams painted upon it. 

The three of went to one knee before Senor, who looked down upon them on his throne of Surf Pop Vinyls. In his hand, he held the rolled item which the three would soon spill blood for, extending it out towards the four combatants, a cruel smile washed over his face.

"This is what you want, yes?"

The four knelt in silence. 

"If you want it, then the last man alive gets it! Do you understand? Only one of you shall survive this, and only one of you shall get this prize. Do any of you object?"

Jay Hitcher rose instantly. "I OBJECT. OH PLEASE SENOR I HAVE TO MUCH TO LIVE FOR."

"No objections then?" inquired Senor

"No." echoed Phantomile, Gyrael and Gatsby. 

"Then rise, brave warriors! Rise, and fight, and slaughter for your precious Scoot Pilgroom!"

They rose, and steel clashed with steel, and Senor only smiled and said "What fools these Scott Pilgrim fans be."

The sound for battle had been called, and those who had been once been friends aimed to spill eachother's life's blood.

The Spider Lord looking for an easy target, chased Jay Hitcher, who despite his cowardice, proved agile enough to evade the Spider Lord's unarmed blows.

Momentarily distracted by the foes locked in combat, Gatsby all but forgot about Phantomile's presence, a move that proved near fatal as Phantomile appeared above him mid air, bring the Power of Love down in a savage two handed strike.

Gatsby raised his shield up just in time, stopping the blow and sending burning splinters in every direction. Envy's face was now unrecognizable and in an effort to avenge her, Gatsby pushed Phantomile backward, unsheathed his bastard sword, and pressed the attack.

Phantomile was quick and graceful, his strength was no match for Gatsby's, but without armor to weigh him down, he was much quicker, allowing him to easily side step the blows he couldn't parry.

Gatsby's armor soon felt heavier and heavier. Taking advantage of Gatsby's fatigue, Phantomile began to run circles around the asshole knight, occasionally striking his armor, causing sparks to fly with every blow, and severely heating Gatsby's armor in certain spots.

Phantomile, convinced of victory, stood ahead of Gatsby, his blade facing downward. “Not looking good....Fatsby.”

Gatsby gave a side swipe, but only cut air as Phantomile circled around him.

He then kicked at the back of Gatsby's knee, sending him down on all fours.

“Once I get that poster, I think I'll break it in by having a threesome with two highschool sophomores....Asian of course, just like you've always dreamed about.....Fatsby.”

Gatsby turned and caught Phantomile around the waist in a bear hug. Momentarily panicked, Phantomile violently shook until Gatsby's grip loosened. He then rose The Power of Love and struck Gatsby full on in the face, rending his helmet.

Gatsby fell to the ground. With the strength he had left he wrenched his helmet off. His forehead was on fire, and he was bleeding profusely from his left eye.

“I've always wanted to kill you, Gatsby” admitted Phantomile “But before I do, I think I'll spoil the main twist of Birth by Sleep for you.”

“No! You....you son of a bitch.”

“That's me!” said Phantomile, fiercely proud. “As for the twist, well let's just say that Cyborg Ansem totally kills-what the?!”

Just then, Jay Hitcher came running past them yelling “Oh god, oh god, oh god.”

Executioner and execute watched the frightened child run past.

Phantomile looked behind him and then back towards Gatsby again. “Say, where IS Gyrael?”

In answer, there were a few glimmers, and then an audible tang.

Phantomile looked up at something that Gatsby couldn't see“Oh no...”

A web then formed between them, and Gatsby and Phantomile were bought violently jerked midair, ensnared in a web that froze the two of them in place.

Though the strands of web were no more than an inch long in width, The Spider Lord walked upon them as if they were solid ground. At first, he circled around Gatsby and Phantomile, appraising them: the predator choosing his prey. When he was satisfied, he sat cross legged between them.

“Welcome to my web, old friends.”

“I like what you've done with the place.” remarked Gatsby

“Oh hardy fucking har. We were trying to kill each other and now we're talking like we're buddies. Very funny. Just get it over with, asshole.” said Phantomile

Gyrael looked genuinely hurt by Phantomile's outburst and spoke in an offended tone. “Whoa, whoa cunt. It's not my fault that you were too busy discussing faggy Kingdom Hearts to notice me winding my web. Not like you morons could notice me spinning it even if you were looking, but still.”

“You're still an asshole.” noted Phantomile

Gyrael shrugged. “Yeah, well I'm gonna eat you alive first now.”

The look of horror on Phantomile's face brought a smile to Gatsby's. The smile didn't last long when Gatsby realized that he'd be eaten alive next, but he was grateful for the moment of warmth despite himself.

Gyrael rose and walked over Phantomile. He opened his mouth wide, revealing a set of razor sharp teeth; he then fell upon Phantomile and bit him in the shoulder, instantly tearing through flesh and muscle. He looked to Gatsby, his mouth full of muscle, blood dripping from his mouth and smiled before returning to Phantomile to take another bite.

Phantomile shrieked like nothing human and only in response to the commotion did Gatsby begin his efforts to escape.

He tried to wrench an arm free, but his momentum only made the web swing, leaving his arm in the same place.

Finally annoyed by Phantomile's wailing, Gyrael stopped feasting upon his torso and said “Dude, just stop...” He then struck Phantomile in the face, shattering his glasses. He struck again, and again, and with his blows, the web rose up and then down.

Gatsby noticed that he was slipping downward, and then it dawned on him. His armor had been severely heated by Phantomile's sword, and sure enough, the residing heat had weakened Gyrael's web below him. Spider silk when tightly bound was indestructible, but single strands such as this......

Gatsby waited for the web to rise, and then when it fell, he brought all his weight down. The web rose higher, and he brought his weight down again. He could hear the web below him snapping.

He brought it down again, and more snapped, he slowly began to fall through, until all that was holding him up was his hand, tangled within a few pieces and unmoving no matter how much he struggled.

Then, Gyrael's blows stopped, and all was quiet. Gatsby desperately tried to shake himself free, but he was only making slight progress. Gyrael was nowhere in sight though, so maybe yet...

A tap on his shoulder.

Behind him, the Spider Lord was standing upside down on his web.

“Close call, Gatsby. You almost made it. Of course, now that you've gone and done something like this, I'm totally going to eat you alive now instead.” He spat a venomous substance at Gatsby's armor and then wrenched his breast plate off, also removing the gorge around his neck.

“Of course, you're one of my best bros, so I'll make this quick.”

He went for the bite, but then there was a noise from above, followed by a large flash of light.

They looked up and saw the words 'PHANTOMILE HAS LEVELED UP' displayed in the air.

“For real?” asked Gyrael.

Then there was a flash followed by a trail of flame that struck the Spider Lord , sending him flying. Whatever hit him had followed him into the air, and the sound of their combat could be heard in the distance.

The web caught fire, and Gatsby fell below, striking the ground hard.

Consciousness came and then went. He thought ht saw a figure coming at him, but he didn't have the strength to rise, darkness took him once again.

When he awoke again, he was in a different place. Kneeling over him was Jay Hitcher.

“You're alive!” said Jay Hitcher

“Barely...”

“I was afraid you weren't going to make it.”

The sounds of Gyrael's and Phantomile's battle were still audible.

“Whoever wins that fight is going to kill us both.”
Jay Hitcher looked towards the sounds of combat. “I don't think so.”

Gatsby would've laughed if it didn't hurt so much. “Oh Young J, I still have so much to teach you.”

“You know who's fought against worse odds like this and won?”

“Who?”

“Asuka.”

The memory washed over Gatsby. Oh the brave 14 year old warrior goddess. German, fiery haired, and bad to the bone. She was the one who showed that anything was possible.

“You know J, you might be onto something there.”

“But there's more.”

“Oh?”

“Asuka gets an eye patch.” He brought his hand out and set something in Gatsby's hand. “And so do you.”

Gatsby looked into his hand and saw the black eye patch in all it's glory. He put a hand over his left eye to see that it was gone, replaced by a large gash that began at his eye brow and went far down into his cheek.

He fastened the eye patch on, and a flash of illumination came from it.

'+5 Badass(+10 when 'eye scar' is equipped)'
'+10 Self Imposed Leadership'
'+5 Swordsmanship'

“Do you know what you must do now?” asked Jay Hitcher

Gatsby looked deep within himself, and knew what he had to do.

“Young J, for all I have taught you, in the end, it was you who taught me, and in the thing that was most important. Shall I make it out of this alive, I will forever be in your debt.”

“You better. Who else is going to discuss Eva with me?”

With that, Gatsby ran towards the sound of battle. He saw them in the distance, in flight. Their movements were too fast to see in detail, but he did see flashes of fire, and a black substance that snuffed the flames, while never quenching them—the two elements locked in constant battle.

Gatsby waited until the two were above him and jumped mid air to meet them. He waited until they bought went to strike each other, and saw his opportunity when the two's blades were locked in a struggle to gain ground.

Gatsby grabbed both of them around the waist, and threw all his weight down, slamming them into the ground in a great force that cratered the ground below them.

When the dust settled, the two of them were on the ground, temporarily dazed.

“Before we raise our blades against one another, hear me out.” pleaded Gatsby

The two warriors looked at Gatsby suspiciously, but given his recent display of strength, seemed eager enough to hear him out(at least long enough to regain their strength)

“We have nearly killed, or in Gyrael's case here, eaten each other. For what? A piece of paper?”

“A Scott Pilgrim poster!” objected Phantomile

“A piece of paper.” said Gatsby “There was a time when we all fought together to spread Scott Pilgrim's word. Remember my campaign in Macedonia? Gyrael, do you not remember your efforts in Peru. Or you Phantomile, how you were tasked with bringing women to the cause?

“Despite all of that, we have been turned against one another. What was once a united effort became a shattered murder fest. Instead of expansion, we became fixated on civil war. It is not too late though, we can still band together.”

The two of them stood silent and contemplated the possibility. After several minutes of deliberation, they spoke.

“But then we wouldn't get a Scott Pilgrim poster.” noted the Spider Lord, reaching for his hilt

“That's true enough.” said Phantomile, summoning The Power of Love out of thin air.

“WAIT!”

The three of them looked out to find Jay Hitcher, approaching all of them.

The boy looked upon the three of them with disgust. “Is this what the Scott Pilgrim Brotherhood has come to? Is principal no longer enough to move you to justice?

“I have something to tell all of you. Something that I kept from Gatsby, for fear that the rage that overtook him would lead him to act alone. Now I know that I cannot keep it from you all.”

“And that is?” asked Phantomile

“There is no Scott Pilgrim poster.”

“You lie!” hissed The Spider Lord

“I saw it myself while the three of you fought. Senor opened it up and I saw it's contents. I was hiding, he didn't see me. There was no trace of Scott Pilgrim in it at all. It's a Glee poster.”

“A Glee poster....” said Gatsby

Phantomile rose The Power of Love in the air. “Sorry guys, I still kinda want it anyway.”

“Wait!” said Jay Hitcher “Let the four of us take revenge instead. We can all kill him, and then you can have the poster after the deed is done. I'm sure nobody else wants it.”

Gatsby and Gyrael echoed their agreement.

“Then it is settled.” said Jay Hitcher. “The Scott Pilgrim Brotherhood shall reunite, and Senor shall know the true consequence of trying to come between it.”

The four brothers stood before Senor at the same place where they had once knelt. The throne room was dimly lit by the by a series of torches, and at their center was Senor's throne. The cruel Asian King had readied himself for battle: equipping a black wet suit that covered his entire body save for the area on his head beginning at his eyebrows and ending above his chin, allowing him to be safe from all types of wetness related harm while allowing him to stare down upon his would be Assassins with his beady eyes, full of judgment and contempt.

Despite having thrown nearly all of his Hipster Guard at the Scott Pilgrim warriors to halt them, Senor looked almost bored now, sitting slouched on his throne, resting his head upon a raised hand.

For several minutes, only gazes were exchanged until the Asian King broke the silence.

“This is the true measure of Scott Pilgrim fans, is it? Do all of you conspire to bite that hand that feeds you?”

Gatsby spat in Senor's general direction. “You have done us a great wrong, Senor. You took advantage of our greed in an attempt to snuff us out, and you almost succeeded....but you didn't.”

Senor slammed a fist onto his throne, smashing a Beach House vinyl in the process “It is I who have done you a great wrong? Look at you, braying like an ignorant donkey! It was the four of you who entered this willingly. You all seemed more than ready to slit each others throats! What fault is it of mine that I merely offered an incentive to speed the inevitable along?”

“A false incentive.” interjected the Spider Lord, his tone icy cold.

“One I'll still gladly pry from your soon to be dead fingers.” said Phantomile cheerily

Senor looked upon the warriors with genuine confusion “What false incentive do you speak of?”

“We know about the poster.” said Gatsby

“That much I figured, ignorant dog. But what about the poster?”

“Enough!” screamed Jay Hitcher “Enough of this ideal chatter. Let us finish what we came here to do.”

Senor rose from his throne. Then reaching behind it, he produced the poster, rolled up and bound by golden ribbons.

“First,” said Senor, “I shall deny you of your prize.”
“Put it down Senor!” said Phantomile, producing the Power of Love and running towards the Asian King in a mad dash

“Phantomile, no!” screamed Jay

It was too late though. Phantomile had almost closed the distance between them, the Power of Love was radiating a more intense flame than Gatsby had seen in their battle.

In response, Senor tossed the poster towards Phantomile, who immediately moved the Power of Love above his head to prevent burning the poster, which as a result, put him in range of Senor, more or less unarmed.

Smiling, the Asian King grabbed Phantomile by the arm and threw him into the Vinyl Throne, shattering the entire throne with Phantomile's body, causing an eruption of vinyl shards. Still having him gripped, Senor tossed Phantomile into the air and hit him with a roundhouse kick, sending him into the ground, and dragging through it several feet before stopping.

Phantomile was unconscious now, and several shards of vinyl had punctured his chest. His white Smashing Pumpkins T-Shirt slowly began to turn red.

Senor returned his gaze to the three warriors. “I hope you all intend on putting up a better fight than that.” He began to walk towards the poster, and went to step on it, but a large gust of wind swept it into the air and the poster flew into Jay Hitcher's grasp, where he then secured it within his peacoat.

“If we want to make it out of this alive.” said Jay “We're going to have to stick together.”

Suddenly, large gusts of wind began to swirl around Jay, causing him the fly into the air. The wind swirling around him was so strong that Gatsby and Gyrael had to shield their eyes.

Senor raised his arms as if he was expecting someone's embrace. “Cute trick. Let me show you mine.”

On queue, the ground began to rumble so furiously that Gatsby and Gyrael had to fight to keep their balance. There was a large crashing noise, and a large hole formed near Senor, allowing a huge torrent of water to burst from it. Several more holes began to crack from the earth, causing the same water torrents. Instead of the water falling on the ground, it rose into a wave a large wave that was several hundred feet in height. Then a metallic board burst from the wave, Senor catching it midair and hoisting it on his shoulder.

The warriors readied themselves.

Gyrael threw his cloak off. Behind it was a weapon that had the sword of a hilt, but the scabbard was circular and as wide as his back. For a moment, Gatsby thought he saw something twitch from inside.

Grasping his hilt, the Spider Lord looked upon the massive wave. “No point in holding back for this shit.”

Gatsby drew his bastard sword. “No, I guess not.”

Jay Hitcher said “Both of you better stay behind me. None of you can get caught into his wave as long as you stay within my gusts. If you don't, I can't guarantee anything.”

“What about Phantomile?” asked Gatsby

Jay looked to Gyrael “Do you think you could spin him into a cocoon before the wave hits the ground.”

Gyrael shrugged “I guess.”

“Then let's do this.” said Gatsby

Almost as if he had sensed their readiness, the wave slowly edged towards the warriors.

Senor shouted from above. “I'm going to enjoy watching you guys drown!”

Between the wave and the brotherhood, the illuminated words appeared

[b]Mad King Senor

vs.

Gatsby
Jay Hitcher
Phantomile(K.O'd)
Gyrael[/b]

The wave advanced at full speed.

Gyrael made a mad dash behind them, shooting web in front of his path as he went. The web began to envelop Phantomile and The Spider Lord knelt over him and began to spin him rapidly, taking care to quickly remove the vinyl shards before binding his chest area.

He looked back to see the wave swallow Jay and Gatsby hole, and he then saw the ripples of something rising within the wave, yet still it advanced, quickly closing the gap between them.

He felt the sea spray on his back just as he was about to wrap Phantomile's head and knew that he had no more time. He then shot a full web into the air, and grabbing Phantomile, chucked him towards it midair, sticking him to web, safely out of reach.

The wave was directly at his back now, he leaped forward and grabbed his hilt. He unsheathed his weapon, which at first sight, was a spider. It's eight legs all moved, as did it's mandibles, but out of the spider's mouth was a blade, dark purple, and seeming poison that burned holes on the ground below it.

Gyrael cut at the wave, as the Spider bit and clawed at it. Large gaps of water were slashed and dissipated into steam and the Spider Lord gracefully moved back, step by step, keeping the wave at bay. As he his back slowly neared a wall, he turned and ran for it, running up on it and then turning around and powerfully thrusting through it until he cut his way through and landed on the other side.

He took a moment to catch his breath, he heard something moving, he turned, but not fast enough to stop the blow of Senor who was surfing down the wave and about to collide right into him.
And then there was the sound of a large wind and Senor went flying from his board, rolling onto the ground. Gyrael moved to strike him, but his blade was stayed by the water, which rushed the shield him and quickly rose him back into the air.

The rest of the wave collided to form beneath him, and Gyrael was almost swept by it until he felt an arm grab him, sweeping him into the air.

He looked to find Gatsby kneeling and holding him with one arm as Jay rose them higher.

“Is Phantomile safe?” asked Jay

Gyrael pointed to the web, nestled onto the throne room's ceiling.

Jay nodded. “Good. We're going to need him later.”

Gatsby hauled Gyrael into the air sphere where he was instantly drawn onto his feet, the wind offering the resistance to stand.

The wave had changed direction now and it went to meet them.

Senor, back in his board, was surfing through the middle now. As he approached, the water began to fire large ice shards towards them.

Jay turned them around and began to wildly swing them in an attempt to dodge them.

The amount of shards began to increase, and Jay barrel rolled away from them. Then, catching a shard of ice within his sphere, he sent one flying at Senor.

The shard went at full speed towards him before stopping in front of him and turning back into water, falling back into the wave.

“Bastard.” muttered Jay

The shards grew in number still, and Jay's movements became so erratic and precise that he began to lose focus on allowing Gatsby and Gyrael to stand, causing them to spin wildly through the sphere.

Meanwhile, smoke began to rise from Phantomile's web...

“I can't dodge him anymore!” said Jay

The wave began to gain on them, and Senor still stood at the wave's center, lying in wait.

Jay began rise straight into the air, circling erratically to avoid the the spikes. The wave got closer, and Senor rose to meet them.

“Sorry Gatsby.” said Jay

“Sorry for wh-”

Gatsby was expelled from the sphere. At first he thought that he had been left for dead, but then he saw that he was heading straight for Senor.

A wave rose in front of Senor to block a strike, but Gatsby drew his sword and stabbed it into the board, killing his momentum just short of the wave and jerking Senor forward.

Using the sword as his balance, he held onto it was one hand and struck Senor.

Shocked at having been struck, Senor stopped the wave's pursuit of Jay who then went behind the wave.

The water began to collapse and form around Gatsby, as if it were an animal about to swallow him whole.

Gatsby pulled his sword out of the board. He went to slash, but Senor jumped back. As his body was half swallowed in the water, a gust of wind then jerked him forward, allowing Gatsby's strike to make contact.

Senor screamed and a violent eruption of water came from beneath him, knocking Gatsby into the air.

As Gatsby fell, he saw an explosion of fire from above.

The wave began to collapse now, creating a body of water below that slowly rose and rose.

Gatsby hit the water which had now raised several yards above the ground, allowing him a safe, albeit hard fall onto the palace surface.

He began to swim up until he felt a hand on his leg, dragging him under.

Senor dragged him down further, his mouth open. He looked to be screaming, but all that some out was distorted noise and bubbles. Producing a shard of ice in his hand, he impaled Gatsby with such force that he became lodged into the ground.

Everything began to turn black and he saw Senor's feet as he began to swim up.

Then he heard falling water.

You're half dead and imagining things thought Gatsby

Water couldn't fall under water.

Then he felt drops hit his face.

He opened his eyes and saw that the water had been completely parted down the middle. Jay standing mid air, holding the two ends of water at bay.

Gyrael and Phantomile were pressing on Senor. Power of Love and Spider Sword in hand, they were cutting wildly at the grounded Senor who's water shields seemed to be becoming weaker and weaker.

In an attempt to separate them, Senor brought a large wave of water down on Gyrael which swallowed him whole. Then a hole formed into a wave, the water in it steaming, the Spider Sword went flying, hitting Senor in the chest. The spider's legs then bound themselves around him, keeping Senor from moving his arms or legs.

Then with a leap into the air, Phantomile brought down The Power of Love, stabbing through the spider and Senor in one motion.

The spider flinched violently and withered while Senor let out a loud scream, that became softer and softer until his eyes rolled over.. Both the spider and Senor died in the same instant.

The wave that had enveloped Gyrael disappeared, and he came from it coughing. Phantomile walked to him to help him up, when something grabbed both their backs and sent them flying into the opposite ends of the wave, still parted by Jay.

Bubbles of life could been seen coming from the wave's walls, and after a minute, they were gone.

Gatsby tried to wrench the ice from his chest, but couldn't.

He looked up and saw that Jay Hitcher stood above him holding the poster.

Gatsby coughed blood. “Jay....you have to help Gyrael...Phantomile....get me out.”

Jay made no motion to do any of those actions. He impassively stared down at Gatsby and then began to remove the ribbons from the poster. He let it roll down and held it over Gatsby so he could see it.

He saw it's red background, in the center a boy playing bass guitar, kneeling over so his long, uncut hair obscured his face.

Tears filled Gatsby's eyes. “What....have you done?”

“It really IS a great poster.” said Jay, turning it around to admire his new prize. “I must say, I owe you all quite a bit. Without you, I don't think I could have won this.”

Gatsby felt a wild rage fill him, he tried to jerk himself up so he might choke the life out of Jay, but the ice kept him still.

Jay Hitcher smiled, rising in the air at he looked down on him.

The last thing Gatsby saw was the Scott Pilgrim poster growing smaller and smaller in the distance, and the water falling over him, swallowing him whole.








Let’s say you wake up one morning and find that you have turned into a JRPG protagonist. You look in the mirror and find that your hair has turned into an impossibly spiky, brightly colored due that perfectly fits your personality traits. However, what the mirror won’t tell you is that your traits have also changed. You now have a past trauma that has significantly affected you and you have the sneaking suspicion that very soon, this past trauma will become a significant part of your life once again. You are more angsty now. You are also more powerful. You can fight anything despite its size with your remarkably well designed and impractical weapon.


Like this, but IRL

As you look around your house, you’ll notice that it’s on fire. You go to your room to retrieve your remarkably well designed and impractical weapon and before leaving, a look through your window reveals that the rest of your neighborhood is on fire too.

You exit your house in time to see an Airship leaving the wreckage of your neighborhood with the logo of that evil corporation that you never trusted plastered right on your side.

As you walk through the ruins of your neighborhood, you’ll find that your loyal best friend has survived, and together you vow to take revenge on the evil corporation that destroyed your neighborhood.

However, your vengeance will not come easy. There are plenty towns between you and this corporation’s HQ, and between these towns are hundreds of miles worth of wilderness, and much to your dismay, all this wilderness is packed to the brim with hundreds of invisible monsters who only seem be interested in fighting you. On top of that, you’ll often be sidetracked. All these towns and villages need help, and you’re the only one who can help them.

And that’s not the worst of it. Eventually you’ll find that the evil corporation is more evil than you thought, and before long, you’ll be dragged into a long never ending quest to save the world itself.

Fear not, JRPG Protagonist, for I know your path well. Your path is a long one, filled with plenty of distractions that shall waste your time and prolong your arrival to the climactic parts of your journey. Follow my simple rules, and you’ll get to the good parts in no time.

Rule #1: Knowledge is Power


The fact of the matter is that most JRPG Battle Systems are not overly complex. They’re simple systems where each character has a role to play and the key to winning is to understand what character does what efficiently. Characters are often defined by their class. The guy with the spear is usually the Dragoon, the shy good hearted love interest is usually the Healer, and the weird one that nobody likes is the ability leech.

Form your party with characters that have good synergy. JRPGs aren’t like Dragon Age where bringing your favorite characters along reaps the reward of additional dialogue and increased favor. The fact is that all the interesting stuff happens at point B and if you want to get to the next cutscene, it’s in your interest to get there as fast as possible. When you have a million random encounters separating you from the effeminate mastermind who killed your family, the only thing that matters is cold and calculating efficiency.

With that in mind, experiment with which characters do what well. Gouge the usefulness of bringing a thief for his ability to steal. See if the hybrid magic user can fully compensate for pure healer. See if you can survive on a potion based healing setup. It may sound crazy, but play Final Fantasy VI or DQ VIII and you’ll find that it’s very doable.

Get a party set up that works well and is easily understandable. You need to know what your options are if your healer gets bitch slapped into next year by a hard hitting boss and if you take too long figuring it out, you may very well be a victim of the post death repetition process that so many JRPGs cater to.

On top of that, know the game’s battle system. Each RPG has its own spin on combat. Be it real time turn based, flat out turn based, active time strategic based espionage, cover based semi active real time phases, there are hundreds of them, and the sooner you fully understand what they’re capable of, the more successful you’ll do.

For example, Final Fantasy VIII had its Junction System, which allowed you to assign magic types to your stats. You can go through the entire game not assigning a single piece of magic to any trait, and it’ll be a slow and grueling process that will take forever, one sissy hit at a time. Or you can stack the magic correctly and turn your characters into killing machines that will kill any monster before it gets a chance to finish its battle cry.

One process is slow and boring; the other process is fast and boring. The choice seems pretty clear to me.

Rule #2: Fuck the World(Kinda)

This took longer to create than this entire article

Make no mistake, JRPG Protagonist. The creators of JRPG games are crafty tricksters who have utilized math and science to find ways to sink your time. For every hour that you ignore burning villages in favor of in game card games, the more you trivialize the main quest. JRPGs are vehicles for stories and fantastic worlds, and wasting time for the sake of wasting time in a game that you’re playing to waste time is something that’s flat out wrong.

Do not fall into the traps that the developers have laid out before you. Putting twenty hours into raising a Golden Chocobo will not make your purchase a more justified one.

Side quests are another matter. When it comes to these, you must ask yourself a simple question. Why do I want to complete this side quest? If it’s for a weapon that will make your battles easier, then go for it. If it’s because you don’t feel right watching poor Suzy Q get eaten by sharks, then go for it. If you’re doing it because the game has assigned you something to do and you feel the need complete every single piece of the game, then don’t You’ll be wasting invaluable time for empty accomplishments and cheap thrills.

b]Rule #3: Grind a Little Now, to Avoid Grinding a Lot Later.[/b]

Ever since my early days on the internet, I’ve noticed that people have always failed to correlate level progression through random encounters with boss difficulty. The biggest mistake that a rookie speed demon can make is running away from random encounters in order to speed the game up. Unless the game is Final Fantasy VIII, the less you level, the more trouble you’ll make for yourself.

JRPG Developers are clever. The areas that you go through contain monsters that are your level, and the farther you go along, the stronger they get. Never shy away from fighting them, from learning new abilities and gaining new levels. You’re going to be spending a certain amount of time leveling no matter how hard you try and fight it. Wasted time is the name of the game in JRPGs. It’s not a matter of not wasting any time; it’s a matter of wasting as little time as possible.


Probably should have grinded on a few more Tonberrys before taking this badboy on

I guarantee you that you’ll enjoy an extra fifteen minutes of random battles here and there much more than being brick walled by a boss that is much stronger than you, constantly killing you and likely sending your sorry ass back in time to the last save point. You know what’s going to happen at that point? You’re going to spend hours either trying to kill the boss despite your disadvantage, or you’re going to have to spend a long time grinding all at once in a desperate bid to overpower the boss.

If you’re lucky, the latter option will be available to you. If you’re not, you’re in for one of the most frustrating rides of your life.

Rule #4: Don’t Be a Perfectionist

This touches up a little on Rule #2 where I urge you to not do things for the sake of doing them. The fact is that Perfectionism is a disease that will lead to a colossal amount of wasted time and a cheapened experience overall.

I’m sure we all know the type of person who buys the strategy guides and glides through the entire game picking up every hidden item, easily dispatching of every boss, gaining knowledge on the perfect leveling areas and doing every side quest in a bid for that elated 100% completion rate.

What has this person gained? A save file that says 100% completed written on it.

What has this person lost? $15 and any sense of discovery or accomplishment that the game could have given them.


An Artist's Rendition of what using a strategy guide does to your JRPG Playthrough

JRPGs will try and waste your time, but even though they try to screw us over, we still love them. We love the secrets they harbor for us. The secret bosses, the hidden side quests, the secret areas. I encourage you to do whatever you can to get past the time sinks that the game offers in any way possible, but I discourage doing the same with the genuinely good things that the game offers. A flawed run is better than a perfect run, and getting your ass kicked by a boss only to shake it off and kick his ass in return is much better than easily brushing the boss aside because you read up on all his attack patterns.

Rule #5: Enjoy the Little Things

As noted above, there are a lot of amazing things that JRPGs can harbor besides the main quest. A good JRPG will give you a full world to go explore. A brand new world that you- the JRPG Protagonist- must save. Get to know this world. Love the towns that occupy it, enjoy the challenging fights that the bosses will give you along the way. Do the side quests that interest you and you’ll find that you’ll have your own personal good parts, things that you look forward to as much as the next story advancement.

When I look back on my favorite JRPG experiences, while I’ll often talk about their climactic events before all else, the fact is that reminiscing on Final Fantasy VIII makes me think of Fisherman’s Horizon and what an unconventional paradise it is before it makes me think of the succession of witches and the Garden on Garden battles.


Beautiful. Physically impossible and impractical as fuck, but beautiful.

Prioritize what’s important to you and don’t let the game take you off your path. JRPGs are infamous for the time sinks they contain, but if you follow these rules, you will not only get through the game much faster, you’ll have a much better experience.
Photo Photo Photo







Gatsby
1:33 PM on 01.08.2010

There are very few books that have confused me as much as Orson Scott Card’s “Ender’s Game”. Featuring the story of a timid boy genius who’s burdened with the task of saving mankind from a race of sentient antlike creatures often referred to as “The Buggers”, “Ender’s Game” juggles several themes and questions, and for the most part, ignores them entirely.

The story takes place in a not so distant future where after two full scale invasions by the Buggers, all the humans of Earth are now united among a single front. The International Fleet comprises of a combination of all their forces, and together they’re anxiously waiting for The Buggers to make their return. Despite having made plenty of technological strides such as gaining the ability for faster than light travel, gaining weapons that make the nukes of yesteryear look like nothing, and control over weather and gravity, there seems to still be no answer for the finite resources on Earth, and because of that, there has been a strict population control placed on Earth allowing each family to only have two children.

The main premise of the book is that the Government is convinced that only a genius can be tasked with the future of mankind. Specifically, a genius with the right temperament that they can raise from scratch and develop into the perfect weapon. After Ender’s older siblings fail their evaluations because of their temperaments, Ender is eventually chosen to be the new hope for mankind after he passes a graduation test involving accidently murdering a bully.

After Ender is chosen, the majority of the book features his training in Battle School and eventually Command School.

Off the bat, the first thing that put my off in “Ender’s Game” was the general lack of intrigue involved in the story. The book only contains one likable character whose chapters are often the saving grace from the purgatory of boredom that encompasses Ender’s daily life in Battle School and are sadly, too far and in between to save the book from total monotony. Like mentioned earlier, while the book will often ask questions and juggle themes about Ender’s psyche, and the morality involved in what’s happening to him, the book takes a neutral stance and refuses to be introspective in any manner.

This is used to good effect in some cases. For example, one of the general themes consists of how ruthless and violent Ender is. He often regrets his actions, but his tears do little to aid the heavily injured and sometimes dead assailants of his. In a wise move, the author neither denounces it nor promotes it, instead merely accepting it as a fact of Ender’s life.

However, that same approach is what causes the vast majority of the problems in “Ender’s Game”. “Ender’s Game” started out as a novella that only featured Ender’s exploits within Battle School and Command School. All else including a brief look at Ender’s life before Battle School, a look at the exploits of Ender’s siblings, and a look at Ender’s life after the book’s climax were merely added in to likely explain previously ambiguous parts about the novella. Despite all the additions that were made, clocking in at less than 450 pages, “Ender’s Game” proves to be an example of a book that means too much but says too little.

The narrative in Ender’s Game is one that takes place over seventy years. Though it contains many important events, the only part of the book that is given any real attention are the zero gravity mock battles that Ender participates in while in Battle School. This is something that may have worked in the novella given its focus, but in “Ender’s Game”, it proves to be a remarkably stupid move on the author’s part. As a result of the book’s complete lack of focus as to what’s important, the story becomes completely unconcerned with the journey and destination, and instead plans to focus on the lessons that Ender learns through battle. Lessons that prove to hold no importance as his Battle School exploits soon lose all relevance in Command School, and once in Command School, there are more lessons to be learned still, yet Ender’s quickly ends in what’s likely one of the largest narrative cop-outs since Robert Jordan had the nerve to die before finishing his “Wheel of Time” series.

Near the midpoint of the book, Ender’s Game creates the illusion that it may contain more than meets the eye when suspicions are aroused about what the true purpose of the Battle School is. Questions arise as to whether or not The Bugger’s exist or not, and as this question is being readily asked, the shaky alliances that once united mankind begin to crumble, and war seems imminent. As an author completely incapable of subtly and pacing, this is merely brought up, mostly ignored and then comically resolved as the book concludes.

The book’s only saving grace is the one found in Ender’s sweet older sister, Valentine. The book features a few chapters involve Valentine and her sociopathic older brother Peter and their exploits involving creating alternate personas to start rallying support to their cause in a manner similar to that of John Galt in Ayn Rand’s “Atlas Shrugged”. These chapters provide an extremely refreshing change of pace by keeping the author’s laughable attempts at creating character conflict to a minimum while telling an extremely interested story that’s half fueled by the pure intrigue of its events, and half fueled by the fact that Valentine happens to be the only three dimensional character in the book,

“Ender’s Game” is all story with no story telling. It’s bloated, clunky and shallow all at the time. It’s like that girl in class who seems like she could’ve been smart at one point if she didn’t spend all her time getting spray tanned while letting the entire football team run train on her.

A good piece of fiction transcends it’s length. 800 pages didn’t feel like 800 pages in George R.R Martin’s “Game of Thrones”, and James Cameron’s Avatar didn’t feel like it was three hours long. That’s because these materials contain characters you care about, and are well focused and well paced materials. “Ender’s Game” is neither of those. At 430 pages, it’s hard to say that Ender feels longer than it is, while it’s even harder to say that it’s length feels just right. As a whole, Ender doesn’t feel like anything. It evokes no emotion and doesn’t tell that great of a story. I feel like the mark of any good work of fiction is one that you can’t bear to part with. It’s something that’s well paced, so when the ending does approach, it’s like the final Sunday before summer break ends and school begins yet again; the bittersweet moment of farewell, making you sad that it’s coming to an end, yet equally grateful for the quality of the journey. As “Ender’s Game” concluded, I felt no such feelings.

I feel as if I’ve gained nothing for reading it, and would recommend against anybody reading this book. There’s often a joke dispensed among amateur writers that “If a book like Twilight can get published, anything is possible.” While this is something that rings very true, it’s very hard to measure Twilight’s success in anything other than sales and the adoration demographic containing the kind of people that we as a species don’t take very seriously in the first place. I find that a better joke would be something along the lines of “If “Ender’s Game” can win the Hugo Award for “Best Novel” than anything truly is possible.” With that in mind, color me inspired.







Gatsby
1:35 PM on 01.05.2010



John Frusciante isn’t dead. He hasn’t even really stopped making music, so he really isn’t going anywhere. However, late in 2009, John confirmed that after 12 years of being a member of RHCP, he has now quit in order to pursue new musical interests.

This is something that is particularly depressing to me. I often have regarded RHCP as one of the most talented mainstream acts of the modern day. Containing amazing bassist Flea and the criminally underrated drummer Chad Smith is a good enough combo. But throw a guy like John Frusciante on there to helm the song writing and you really had a formula for the kind of pop rock that you could never find anywhere else.

Combined with Anthony Keidas’s catchy spoken verse rapping, they all created an excellent combo, but that wasn’t even the best part about them.

The best part of RHCP is watching their progression through the years. As a band, RHCP has seen more changes in formation than most bands did, which attributed to all the incarnations they’ve had over the years. Having John Frusciante joining RHCP due to him being inspired by their current guitarist at the time added a real hint of legacy to a band that was still in it’s infancy.

Eventually they reached stability though, and with Frusciante helming their song writing he carried RHCP into success within the release of two albums. And sure enough, he gave them hit album after hit album. He wrote the amazing bass lines, Flea played them, Chad Smith made amazing funk beats that complemented Flea perfectly and John Frusciante’s minimalist guitar style combined with his incredibly unique backup vocals catered perfectly to Keidas’s spoken verse.

And on top of that, they changed their style. They went from the funk rock of Mother’s Milk to the melodic Californication, to the then even more melodic By The Way. What was very striking was that you were given a portal into the lives of the musicians through their music. During Californication they’re still singing about chasing girls and flicking off cops while finally showing hints of growing up. They followed that up with By The Way which is a more sobering album that offerd one message. It was time to grow up. The funk was gone this time, and By The Way was full of songs featuring hints of regret with beautiful ballads like “Venice Queen” giving tribute to the Drug Consular who saved the lead singer’s life.

The Red Hot Chili Peppers were one of the few bands in the mainstream who truly operated as a unit. With so many bands emphasizing these big personalities who have a bunch of easily replaceable stock members who serve no purpose, having a band like Red Hot around was something that was very refreshing.

I feel as though I’ve missed out on something great having never seen them live. I’ve missed out on a band that aged like fine wine.

That being said, I still have hope for RHCP. Their new guitarist is a man named Josh Klinghoffer who is mostly famous for actually working a lot with Frusciante on his solo work. He definitely has the vocal range to preform Frusciante’s vocals, and I’m hoping that RHCP’s inevitable new direction ends up being something that elevates them, unlike the last album they made without Frusciante, that being the awful “One Hot Minute”.

And on the bright side, this means we’ll be seeing a wealth of more solo work from Frusciante who started off 2009 by releasing “The Empyrean”, which just so happened to be one of the best albums of the year.

It’s often hard to retain hope for the current state of the mainstream industry. It’s a bloated monster more concerned with creating personas and hit singles than it is with the quality of music anymore. RHCP was one of the few beacons of hope for the industry. That a band could survive on musical prowess alone, that a band could still achieve mainstream success while shoving all the previous conventions back into everyone’s faces. With him gone from the mainstream, that bacon has gotten a little dimmer. Here’s hoping that RHCP’s upcoming album only illuminates it, instead of extinguishing it completely.








I feel that for a long time, the game industry has been trying to emulate the movie industry. That's apparent in a lot of games, from Final Fantasy VII to Uncharted 2. New levels of cinematic flair have often been met with a lot of praise and enthusiasm and now that game budgets are becoming about as high as movie budgets, we have better suited technology to do such things.

Now let me just bring up a point I've thought up of.

Right now, we've been using analogies between films and other games to discern what's accpetable, and to see where the metaphorical "line" is.

Some say "Movies include violence all the time, look at a scene like the one in Die Hard where Alan Rickman shoots that douchebag hostage for being annoying. Same thing."

Others say "There's a difference between watching Alan Rickman do that, and being Alan Rickman and killing the hostage yourself."

I'd say that the former is wrong, and the latter is right.

But unlike the latter, I don't consider that a bad thing. The main thing we have to remember is no matter how much games have tried to emulate movies, the fact is, GAMES ARE NOT MOVIES.

No matter how realistic the graphics are, no matter how amazing the scripted encounters become, the fact remains that interactivity is still something that games have that movies do not.

In that sense, Modern Warfare 2 isn't just pushing narrative boundaries for gaming. It's pushing narrative boundaries, PERIOD. While a film could recreate the airport shooting and still make it a very emotional and gut wrenching scene, a game is the only one that can put you in the shooter's shoes and make you feel that sick pit in your stomach as you're picking off innocent civilians.

On top of that, I'd like to stress the importance of waiting until the finished product is out in order for everyone to gain more context when it comes to the scene. I'm reminded of a french film called Irreversible which is a revenge story told in a weird chronological order in an attempt to show the shocking shit first and then finally show you the meaning behind it.

In that film, there's a 9 minute rape scene involving Monica Belluci. Just like all the violence in that movie, it's a brutal and disgusting scene, and worse of all, it's a long take, the camera doesn't look away for one second. It makes you see every single minute of it. The point is that it wants you to get angry. It wants you to want revenge also. And it wants you to be heart broken when you get to know this character further, and know what's going to happen to her.

The film in general has a very powerful message. It's a disturbing film, not for everyone, but if you can brave it, it's worth the watch.

Imagine though if we were only shown a clip of the rape scene and had none of the film provided to show context. People would be reacting to it like monkeys, half the film critics still reacted to it like monkeys, which is saying a lot considering how the film community is arguably more sophisticated than the current game community, what with the occasional review score drama that constantly surfaces.

Fact is that even after games eventually reach the level of current film, people will still miss the point of things like this. However, it's still up to us as intelligent members of the game community to praise progress when we see it. We don't know how good the campaign we be. I don't know for a fact is this scene will meet my expectations in the context of the game, but I do know that the fact that it exists is huge, and it's a fucking good thing. Props to IW for including it.







Gatsby
3:34 PM on 10.29.2009

This can kinda serve as my c-blog intro post. Basically this is the story that explains how I became who I am over a 6 year period on a Zelda message board. Starts with me as a massive forum noob and chronicles my slow rise into an intelligent member, down to my banning at the hands of an admin who held quite the grudge against me over a shocking secret he held. It's a little barebones to spare you on length, but it covers the gist of things, hope you enjoy.
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The Origin of Gatsby


Who am I? You sure you want to know? The story of my life is not for the faint of heart. If somebody said it was a happy little tale... if somebody told you I was just your average ordinary guy, not a care in the world... somebody lied.

Act 1: Genesis


To get to the end, we must first start at the beginning. The time was 2003. Young Gatsby was a naive middle schooler. A complete failure at life, and the total antithesis of the studly hero that you know him to be today.

Gatsby was quite the gamer back then. Often completely immersed in his gaming. His best friend at school was this black kid who sat next to him in math class. He was a Nintendo fanboy, and Gatsby was a Sony fanboy. Naturally they argued in class often, but overtime, they overcame their differences and befriended each other.

During Lunch, him and his friend would go to the library to look up information on video games. While looking for Wind Waker information, they stumbled upon a Zelda website that was rather amazing. The two of us shortly joined the community after. To give a good idea of what a douchebag young Gatsby was, his username on this forum was "Link Bow Down To Me".

To Young Gatsby, this forum was a haven, a paradise. To him, gamers were isolated. They barely existed. There were a few of them here and there, but they were in the vast minority. On this forum, there were nothing but gamers.

A year went by and the forum members grew older. Young Gatsby did not adjust. He still acted like a moron, he was still a massive tool and nearly everybody hated him. It was not long until Gatsby was the victim of the Veteran Member's wrath. Gatsby fought them off as long as he could, but was eventually driven off. He knew his reputation was too tarnished to ever hope to re-assimilate himself into the community, so he abandoned his old account, and made a new account by the name of Sorrow(in reference to the MGS 3 character).

Act 2: Shit Gets Real

Before going any further, I must introduce you to this forum's lead admin. A man named Kao. Kao was an intelligent and dedicated admin that was well loved by the community. Kao also had a rather dark secret. Kao had a tendency to e-date female members of the forum. Throughout the years he hopped from relationship to relationship, but this was largely unknown to the community until a few choice incidents.

Now as you recall, Gatsby had made a new account, he had his new beginning. Sorrow was basically the Gatsby you've come to know now, except he wasn't a pseudo intellectual. While he was often a dick to other members, his intelligent posting and sense of humor earned him a near instant spot into the community.

Two years later, Sorrow affiliated himself with two other members(Named Coolwhip and Kirby) and the three of them were a super asshole fighting force. They caught the scorn of many members and started Sorrow's eventual bad streak and marked his first trouble with the administration. During this time he met a female member named Pink. While at first they hated eachother, they eventually befriended eachother and became close.

Once while Sorrow was complaining about what a turd sandwhich Kao was, Pink offered Sorrow some rather choice secrets. She had e-dated Kao before, and knew his history with the other female members. Kao had cybered with the resident forum fat chick. He had been in relationships with half the girls on the forum. He hated dated Pink, but was dumped by her the minute he started showing axe murderer tendencies. Pink made me swear to keep her secret, and I promised her that I would.

The next day I told Coolwhip everything and we spent a good amount of time collectively laughing at Kao on MSN. What I didn't anticipate about Coolwhip is that he had a jewfro, and therefore, could be trusted.

Shortly after he copied the MSN log I had with him and showed it to Kao, Kao got rather pissed at Pink and I.

Then around early 2007, he was having a new skin made for the site, and to make things easier, he gave the person making Administrative privileges on the site. This guy was named Punisher, and Punisher was a gigantic asshole. He had a history of abusing his power, and one day to piss me off, he removed the spoiler tags of a different member's post and spoiled a few people on an episode.

So I went batshit and started calling him out on the forum along with three other members. Kao came shortly after, perma banned me, and gave the other three members warnings. He permitted me a final post, and I made it. The community then made a petition to have my ban lifted, they all asked Kao to lift the ban, to which he told them to "Shut the hell up." And that was the end of Sorrow.

Act 3: I'm pretty much like an internet Jesus.

I stayed off the forum for about two months. After that, I started approaching people on the website. Since nobody else approved of my ban, a lot of people agreed to help me successfully ban dodge. I had two admins and three mods on my side who all took the necessary steps for me to make a new account while going unnoticed. I then took my current username of Gatsby, and joined the forums once again.

I layed low for a few months and then started acting like my old self again. However, I was also actively involved with making the community better and often offered layout suggestions, and was actually at the helm of a revival for the Writer's board, so I had some good to balance the bad out.

Overtime, we had to tell more mods about who I was. It came to the point where Kao was basically the only person who didn't know that Gatsby was Sorrow. One day I got into a fight with one of the mods, and in his anger, he told Kao who I really was, and I was wiped off the map once again.

It's been a year since I was a member there. I still miss the place, it was the best community I was ever a part of, but eh, shit happens. Kao's still pretty missed at me. Mainly because after I knew I was fucked, I told everybody about his little E-dating and what not, Kao's a nice enough guy, but that guy can hold a fucking grudge.