There's a contest, so I'm forced to write one of these things. I KNOW I won't win and about a whole person will see this article and I suck at writing... but oh well, I'm bored. And I warn you: these are my personal opinions, and I have sucky personal opinions. You people forgot who I am by now, haven't you? Did you even know in the first place? TO HECK WITH IT LET'S GET THE SHOW ON THE ROAD
Microsoft's press conference:
Okay, let's see here. Gears of War 2 video. It was awesome. It's going to be awesome. But where's the NEW? OH HEY COOL YOU GET TO PILOT A VEHICLE. ISN'T THAT NICE. NEVER SEEN A VEHICLE BEFORE. Well, okay, it's a Brumak or however you spell it, and apparently you also get to ride one of those flying thingies that you shot down on the train and stuff. That's cool and all... but in the end, it's just going to be a vehicle, isn't it?
Fallout 3: It looks awesome. Cool. But... it's multiplatform. What the crap? This isn't Microsoft. Get out of here, you evil multiplatformer, you!
Resident Evil 5: Awesome. Online coop. Awesome. HEYWAITAMINUTE AREN'T YOU MULTIPLATFORM?! WHAT IS WITH THIS?! AND WHERE ARE THE ZOMBIES?! DEAR GOD WHAT DID YOU DO TO THE ZOMBIES, CHRIS?! ALL THEY WANTED WAS TO HAVE A CUP OF TEA AND DISCUSS WORLD EVENTS, AND YOU HAD TO NUKE RACCOON CITY DIDN'T YOU YOU JERK?!?!?!?! Wait you weren't even in RE2 or 3. IT'S STILL YOUR FAULT!!!!
The new design: cool. But... it just looks a bit slicker. Honestly, I'd prefer the old style. If they don't let us keep the old style, I will rip off their faces. Avatars: you mean Miis? But in seriousness, it doesn't seem like it'll really add anything. I'd rather keep my Sonic avatar, thank you very much.
Netflix: Cool. This could be very good for me. I never get the chance to watch movies, they're too expensive for my not richy rich family to buy the movies, and I don't like the idea of all the mail stuff. I live in a nice neighborhood of people nice enough to check your mail for dangerous electronics. Saved my life more than a few times, they have. So MAYBE I'll finally be able to watch a ton of movies and totally abuse the service to watch the entire library in a week. Yes, it's possible, as long as you have a lot of TVs. Wait, wasn't I supposed to be poor?
Banjo-Kazooie: Awesome... but no news. At all. OH WAIT A SECOND WHATWAS THAT THEY SAID? BANJO-KAZOOIE ON XBOX LIVE ARCADE?! SURELY THEY WILL GO INTO MORE DETAIL ABOUT THE MOST EXCITING NEWS SINCE CHOCOLATE PUDDING! ohwaitnopenevermind they decided it's not important. What gives? The N64 Banjo games are my absolute favorite platformers ever, next to Mario Sunshine. And then there was the news of Stop 'N Swop, of course NOT mentioned at the press conference. I'm hoping it will include backwards Stop 'N Swop stuff, rather than just the forwards to Nuts & Bolts.
Fable II: It's Fable. It's II. Not much else. Though the coop looks awesome. Can't wait to go back home to discover that my best friend murdered my entire family, and TOTALLY ignore him for a few hours!
Live Arcade games: Portal. Awesome. The rest looks meh.
You're In The Movies: It's the eyetoy with random movies. It was hilarious. Not much else.
Viva Pinata: Just an expansion pack, it seems. I can't really get too excited about it, unfortunately, because I can never manage to get more than fifty billion Whirlms or whatever they're called in my garden. DAGNABBIT WHY DO I SUCK AT PINATAS SO MUCH?!
Guitar Hero and Rock Band 2: They're Guitar Hero and Rock Band. There's music. Cool.
RPGs: I'm extremely backlogged on RPGs. I've only finished up to Final Fantasy III (I insist on playing games in order of release, I'm allowed to do that shut up) in the Final Fantasy series alone, and adding a ton of others isn't helping me much. Also: I'm rather surprised that everybody is so surprised at Final Fantasy XIII on the 360. I was always assuming it was just about a near guarantee. Apparently I'm not as smart as I thought I wasn't: the world is ending with this announcement. Expect both Sony, Square, and Microsoft to instantly die a horribly painful death. Then Nintendo shall have a monopoly and instantly explode out of sheer power. Then everybody just DIES. And it's all thanks to a game going multiplatform! How DARE they attempt to please those who can't afford three fricking game consoles? THOSE MONSTERS!!!!!
Nintendo press conference:
People Smiling: I must admit, I was skeptical about this at first when I heard it... but when I look back, man, this looks to be a really super title. Imagine how it will be able to use the balance board, and the Wiimote's built in microphone! I'll be looking forward to news about it in the future.
Carrot Top: Snowboarding game. Looks quite yawn.
Animal Crossing: To be honest, this was the one single reason I cared about E3 at all this year. It's been listed for release in 2008 forever now, but we didn't have any news on it. Then we get news. And it looks like it's just a slightly updated port. What the crap? I WANT A SEQUEL DAGNABBIT. I'll still buy it anyway, due to the fact that all previous Animal Crossings I have owned were stolen... but it's kind of disappointing to know it'll be the same old thing I already did twice. Not the same thing used differently: just the same old thing.
DS Games: Meh. Nothing really that exciting at all.
Wii Sports Resort: Looks awesome. But any word on if it'll enhance play on any previous titles? Warioware is awesome, but sometimes it's just randomly unresponsive, and thus the great flying nose shall never be defeated. Other than that, all I can really say is I wanna play swordfighting. And shouldn't this game be online? Where's the online news? Nintendo, the Wii is online now. You're allowed to go online. Also, I'm hoping people will pay attention the the attachment Lego block thing and make games for it. They'd better. OR ELSE.
Music: It's a music game. But... it doesn't look very good. At all. Just a little toy you play with for 5 seconds and say "Hey that's cool" and then throw it out to play Mario. Also: they are the suckiest band ever. And I loved it.
Reggie: He barely did anything. Where was he? I give this press conference 1 Reggie out of eleventy billion for lack of Reggie.
Also it was short.
Sony Press Conference:
Resistance 2: It's a first person shooter. You get guns. You shoot things. Sounds awesome.
Little Big Planet: That was awesome and the most creative thing I have ever seen other than spaghetti. It was awesome and awesome and awesome. Oh: and awesome. Also: 5 billion units? Wut? The thingy says million. SOMEBODY HERE IS A LIAR. LIAAAAAAAAAAR
Ratchet and Clank: Awesome. But not much else. Also, I love how they spoiled the previous game. SOME OF US HAVEN'T PLAYED IT YET, GUYS.
Movies: They're there. Amazing.
Games: They showed a ton of them. About two of them looked good.
DC Universe Online: It's an MMO except with a bunch of superheroes. And dear god it looks incredibly meh.
Infamous: It looks awesome. In fact, it's better than you. It's a fact. I looked it up on Wikipedia.
MAG: Sony is better than you. Better than everything you have ever known and loved. All hail Sony. ALL HAIL SONY. THEY SHALL OVERTHROW THE EVIL THAT IS THE NINTENDUMBS AND MICRODUMBS (I'M SO CLEVER WITH MY INSULTS) AND RULE OVER ALL WITH THEY'RE MASSIVE BATTLES. Also it looks awesome. I really wish I had a PS3.
In the end: There was a lot of awesome... but also a lot of meh and a lot of blah and a lot of I almost fell asleep. Also feel free to yell at me for being a horrible fanboy who doesn't like the best system since french toast, whichever it may be.
This is the sack of crap which sucks and is lame. I mostly use it for internet browsing and occasionally playing random online games like Audition. I also use it for recording video game cutscenes, the reason for the Gamecube you see there. Also, my mom sucks and is lame because she keeps going OH LOOK E-MAAIL I WON A MILLION DOLLARS WUT VIRUS.
If I win this, it'll become my OWN computer, and I'll be able to tell my mom "No way nuh-uh my computer not yours foo" and totally pwn by not getting viruses.
Final Fantasy Contest
By Gamechamp (who is awesome)
Our story begins with our hero, the totally awesome Cloud, in a battle to the death with the evil Sehpiroth. However, before they could both explode in a plot device, our other hero, Tidus, runs in.
Tidus: Hey guys! There's a Final Fantasy story writing contest on Destructoid! First prize is a VIDEO GAME! Plus a t-shirt or something.
Cloud: A video game, you say? Then I swear, by the graves of my ancestors, I shall write the best story of all time!
The next day Cloud dies from a horrible disease.
Tidus: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! Who will write the Final Fantasy story now?
???: Perhaps I can assist.
Tidus: OH EM GEE! It's... it's you!
Leila: Yes! It is I!
Tidus: No, wait, I thought you were someone else. You suck.
Leila is then dropped into the depths of Yugoslavia.
And so, Tidus was forced to go on an epic adventure of adventuring to find that one character who could write the best story ever and get a video game!
Sephiroth: Wait a second, what happened to me? Wasn't I part of this story?
Then Sephiroth exploded.
Tidus: Gee, there are so many people that SUCK. Where oh where will I find someone who doesn't suck?
Tidus: Egads! The day is saved! Auron is here!
Auron then explodes.
Tidus: Oh. Well, crap.
And so, with little choice, Tidus went to play video games for inspiration.
Video Game: GAME OVER. YOU SUCK.
And so, after sucking, Tidus went back to his search, which somehow ended up with him dieing a horrible quicksand death. Meanwhile, in Yugoslavia...
Leila: Yugoslavia sucks. It's almost as bad as me.
Meanwhile, Tidus was alive again or something, in the epic final battle against Chaos in Final Fantasy!
Tidus: Here we are, the final battle! Now, for the ultimate battle strategy that is impossible to lose with... *taps X button 4 times, waits, taps X button 4 times, waits, taps X button 4 times, waits*
Chaos: Oh no! I'm dead!
Tidus: Woo! I beat the game! Now, this gives me an idea...
Tidus then grabs a time machine to go FORWARD TO THE PAST! Or something.
Disease: Mwahahaha! Cloud, I shall kill you!
Tidus: Not if I can help it! *pulls out controller, taps X*
Cloud: Wow! I now have the power to fight!
Cloud then uses a regular old slice attack, killing the disease forever.
Tidus: Cloud! You're alive! Hooray!
Cloud: Oh, no, I'm a zombie. I came back from the dead to get revenge on the disease. Now, anyways, BRAINS.
Tidus: OH GOD BRAIN EATEN!!!!!
And so Tidus died a horrible zombified death. However, luckly, he always kept a spare Phoenix Down in his brain (just in case), thus reviving Cloud to his regular self.
Cloud: Hey, I'm alive! Thanks, Tidus... Tidus?!
Then Tidus ate Cloud's brain and they were both zombies.
Meanwhile, back in Yugoslavia...
Yugoslavian person: All hail the almighty pirate queen who doesn't totally suck, Leila!
Meanwhile, after several shotgunning incidents, Tidus and Cloud are back to normal somehow.
Cloud: Now that I'm alive again, I can write that story!
Tidus: Awesome, let's go do it right now!
And so, at the computer, Cloud wrote the most epic story ever...
FF Contest: the most epic story ever...
By Cloud (who is awesome)
Cloud is awesome.
Tidus: Dude! This is totally gonna win!
Cloud: Yeah, I know! Totally! Now, we just need to send it...
Cloud reaches for his mouse, only to find... HIS MOUSE WAS MOVED TWO CENTIMETERS TO THE RIGHT.
Tidus: Oh my! Who could have done such a thing!
Cloud: It seems our adventure is not over yet... we must find the culprit!
Sephiroth: I admit! I did it!
Cloud then takes out a machine gun and shoots Sephiroth dead.
Cloud: OH CRAP! I KILLED HIM! I KILLED SEPHIROTH! I'M A WANTED MAN!
Tidus: I DID NOTHING! I WAS JUST AN INNOCENT BYSTANDER! *jumps out the window and is immediatelly run over by a plane*
Cloud: OH CRAP! THEY'RE GONNA BLAME ME FOR THAT! I have no choice... I must run from da law!
Cloud then runs from the law. For several hours. Then he gets tired and gives himself up.
Shinra dude: Cloud, you stand accused of murdering peoples. How do you plead?
Cloud: Hey, wait, you're from Shinra. You're EVIL.
Sinra dude: OH GOD IT'S TRUE!
He then pulls out a pistol and shoots himself dead.
Entire courtroom: GASP.
Cloud: So... uh... does this mean I'm free to go.
Replacement Shinra dude: No, it does not! Cloud, we hereby sentence you... TO DELETING YOUR SAVE FILE.
Cloud: No! Please! I got Aeris to level 99!
Replacement Shinra dude: Oh, she dies anyways.
Cloud: ZOMG SPOIILER NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOES!!!!!
And so then Cloud ceased to exist. Meanwhile, on an airplane...
Tidus Jr.: I'm facing my fears of airplanes after a traumatic death of my father incident.
Guy: That's impossible... I'M YOUR FATHER!
Tidus Jr.: Gasp! Daddy?
Guy: No. I'm not your daddy. I'm just some guy. Fricking moron.
Meanwhile, back in Yugoslavia again!
Servant: Queen Leila, after your Oprhan tax, the people are beginning to rebel!
Leila: Fine... then press... THE BUTTON.
They then press a button, causing an explosion that explodes things. EVERYTHING.
Meanwhile, back at Destructoid...
Contest announcer guy: And the winner of the contest is... Cloud!
Cloud: Sorry. I'm erased.
Contest announcer guy: Oh. Then I guess I'll give the video game and shirt or whatever to this guy.
He hands them to... TIDUS?!?!?!
Cloud: Tidus?! Oh em ef jee!
Tidus: That's right! I'm alive! Turns out, that airplane was made of pillows!
Cloud: Awesome! Now, I can get that video game!
Tidus: Heck no. It's mine.
Cloud: Dude! I got ERASED. ERASED! I fricking deserve it!
Tidus: Then there is only one way to settle this... BATTLE!
Tidus: Cloud, wait, we can't kill each other over a video game!
Cloud: You... you're right...
The both then drop their weapons, and come to a truce. Then Sephiroth comes and totally slaughters them both.
Sephiroth: That's what you get for killing me! Jerkfaces!
And so, Cloud and Tidus must restart at their last save point, which happened to be ERASED.
Cloud: Ah, this sucks, now we don't even exist or something!
Tidus: Well, look on the bright side: we have the video game!
Cloud: Yeah, awesome! Hmm, but what game is it?
Tidus: It's uh... "Final Fantasy"
Cloud: What, THAT again! I already bought it three times!
Tidus: But this time it has... umm... it looks prettier, and that's it, I guess. Jeez, what the crap?
And so, the video game was thrown in the trash, and Cloud and Tidus forgot the whole thing ever happened and went home to get Aeris back to level 99 (cause I know that guy was totally lieing she's not gonna die it's a lie gotta be he's messing with my head). But... what's this.
Gordan: Gahahaha... HAHAHAHAHAHA! It's mine! All mine! Final Fantasy! Yes! After all these years!
Leila: OH NO YOU DON'T!
Then, Leila, now powered up with her awesome Wing Blade, runs up and slices Gordan's head off! 1 damage!
Gordan: Ow. *dies*
Leila: Finally! It's all over... and the game is mine!
Meanwhile, back with Gamechamp!
Gamechamp: Hey, wait a second, I'm supposed to win! What the crap?! Where's my Final Fantasy?!