Take a gamer, a "creator", an actor, a procrastinator and throw it all together and you'd pretty much get me. I got into gaming by the Nintendo 64. Some of my favorites are L.A Noire, Super Mario Galaxy 2, Red Steel 2, Team Fortress 2, Gmod and plenty others.
Date: August 1st
Time: 10:40 PM
Location: Abandoned Pokemon Warehouse
First Pokemon Executive: Come on, we got to dig up some more things for the next game.
Second Pokemon Executive: I still can't believe we're still doing this, I mean we've already made a Pokemon out of everything imaginable
First Pokemon Executive: Shut the fuck up, man and just look for the stuff.
Second Pokemon Executive: But you know that's true.
First Pokemon Executive: YES, I DO. But people are still buying our games and people still like our products! Shove it already!!
(sound is heard)
Second Pokemon Executive: Did you just hear that?
First Pokemon Executive: I heard the sound of you not getting the "new" ideas for the next game. Now come on, get the files
(same sound is heard, but louder)
Second Pokemon Executive: I'm getting the fuck out of here
First Pokemon Executive: You better not fucking run, you little bitch!!
Second Pokemon Executive: Screw you man, I've been here for an hour and I'm really sick and tired of your shit. I'm heading home.
First Pokemon Executive: Alright, run you coward. More money for me.
(looks at something)
First Pokemon Executive: Can I help you? Hey...what are you doing? Get away from me. Aaaah!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!
Date: August 2rd
Time: 2:03 PM
Location: James's Office
James: (reads newspaper) Another random murder happened in the city. This time in the abadoned Pokemon warehouse. Man, what is this world coming to?
Sarah: I'm not quite sure myself. Here's your coffee, by the way.
James: Thank you, Sarah. (drinks some of the coffee) Mmm...french vanilla.
Sarah: Anything else I could do for you?
James: No, I'm ok right now. You can take your break now.
Sarah: It's kind of early...
James: I know...but I don't have anything else for you at the moment. Plus, you were working quite hard on those files yesterday, so you deserve this.
Sarah: Thank you, James.
James: Don't mention it.
(Sarah exits, James reads paper)
James: Oh, Mario's Stars are going up against Link's Fairies in the VGNBA
(someone bursts through front door)
???: (catches breath)
James: Whoa, what the fuck was that?
???: (exhaustedly tries to explain by miming out the events that occured to him)
James: Something tried to kill you?
???: (nods in agreement)
James: I see...
???: (finally catches breath, brings up a text box)
James: You got a new iTextbox?
???: Yeah, they were having a sale
James: Well, as impressive as that technology may be...you could just talk to me.
???: The only language I'm known to speak in is Raynesian. So I have to use the iTextbox in order for you to understand.
???: The name's Rayman.
James: You're Rayman?! Man, I've heard so much about you.
Rayman: You sure? Last I checked, the Rabbids are the big thing nowadays.
James: Fuck those long-earred bastards, you're the main event. I mean, I remember playing an N64 game of yours with a beautiful green cartridge. It was wonderful...a little long, but still wonderful.
Rayman: Well, thank you. Anyways, I bet you're wondering what attacked me.
James: Not really...but I might as well ask what did.
Rayman: It was those long-earred bastards you've been talking about.
Rayman: Yep. Those bastards want me dead, and I have no idea why.
James: It's probably because they view as some sort of threat.
Rayman: A threat? Me? I could never hurt them...sure, throw them a plunger, but never hurt them.
James: Not a physical threat. Maybe as a different sort of threat.
Rayman: How would you know?
James: Well, it's probably from the games that I sort of saw them look at you as a threat. (drinks the rest of the coffee)
Rayman: (thinks about it) Ooooookay. Well, I've decided to sue them for 120 counts of attempted murder
James: (spits coffee) What?! 120?! Are you fucking serious?!
Rayman: DO THESE MARKS LOOK SERIOUS TO YOU?!
Rayman: Oh right, I need pictures. (pulls out folder filled with pictures)
James: (looks over pictures) Damn, they really do want you dead.
???: Not so fast, you charlatan!
Rayman: Oh god no...
???: I demand that you don't sue us for our game as his are far worse
James: Wait, what? He's suing you for 120 counts of murder...not for you game.
Rayman: (gets nervous) Actually, I was going to sue them for the lastest game that they have in store.
James: On what account?
Rayman: (slams fist on desk) On the Luigi's Mansion Principle!
James: (eyes widen)
???: Now, Rayman, that's just preposterous!
Rayman: You shut up, Mr. Rabbid
Mr. Rabbid: Screw you.
Rayman: I was here first, and I presented my case first, so I automatically get this lawyer for both cases.
James: I don't think so.
Rayman: Say what?
James: (points angrily at Rayman) I will NOT take the second case for the Luigi's Mansion principle. I'll take your other case, but not this one.
James: I SAID NO! Either take the offer as it is, or I'll decline your case.
(the three shake hands)
Rayman and Mr. Rabbid: See you in court, fucker!
(Rayman and Mr. Rabbid exit, Sarah comes back in, looking at an upset James)
Sarah: I could hear you yelling from across the hallway.
James: Sorry...it's just that one of them said something that really annoyed me.
Sarah: Oh...what was it?
James: I don't want to talk about it...
Sarah: Alright. Anything I can do for you?
James: As a matter of fact...there is. I need you to get some info on the case of Rayman v. Rabbids on the count of 120 attempted murders. I just want to know if there's any more I'm missing
Sarah: Ok, James. (grabs files and leaves)
James: (sighs) Why...why did I have to be part of that case?
Flashback Date: November 17, 2002
Flashback Time: 4:00 PM
Flashback Location: Supreme Court of Gaming Courtroom
You are hereby striken of all gaming ranks, of all rights of an independant title and of any credability of a video game character that will ever be respected outside of the original series.
James: No, this can't be...I can't lose this case
You shall be sentenced to pay the community via 1000 hours of community service and 2000 coins. Court is adjourned.
Date: Still August 2nd
Time: 10:30 PM
Location: Assistant's Research Domain
Sarah: Well, I really can't find anything else other than these files James gave me.
(James yells out "DAMNIT")
Sarah: What was that? Oh well...might as well keep working on this...
(James yells out "MOTHERFUCKER" louder)
Sarah: That sounded like James.
(James yells out "WHYYYYYY?!" even louder)
Sarah: I better see what's going on with him. (walks to James's office as she sees him grabbing a bottle of scotch and pouring it in a glass)
James: It's always fun trying to find these little pieces of fucking evidence for a case you know you can't win.
James: Oh...sorry there, sweetheart...I didn't hear you over the sound of how much of a failure I'm going to become in just a few days.
Sarah: I've never seen you like this...
James: What? Drunk?
Sarah: No...I've seen you drunk. I'm talking about how depressed you are right now.
James: Oh...you have? I never knew that...(chugs his scotch)
Sarah: What happened to you?
James: It's nothing...I'm just trying to look for evidence...little tiny insignificant pieces of evidence is all.
Sarah: Come on, you've been acting strange ever since you told me to research this case. At least that's what the other lawyers are telling me.
James: (sighs) I might as well tell you. (pours drink) When...when I heard the term "Luigi's Mansion Principle"...it brought me back to a case I had...a case I lost. My first loss actually.
Sarah: The Luigi Mansion Principle? What is that?
James: Oh...it's now a way that people can sue games now. The Luigi Mansion Principle used to be called the Mario's Missing Law. It's basically that "If a game takes a tag-along character from the series and places it as the main character of the adventure, the game will end up becoming terrible or mediocre". I tried to defend Luigi after Luigi's Mansion, but failed miserably. Sure, now the game's verdict changed, but Luigi still ended up in a bad place after that case. (shows her a letter he got from Luigi)
Sarah: "Dear James, Thanks...thanks for ruining my life...not only did I have to work for 10 aching hours on tedious tasks for 100 days of my pathetic life but I'm still getting Mario's cock rubbed in my face, just to remind me how tiny my penis is. Everyone thinks I'm a fool and I'm constantly mocked. The only one who gave a fuck and did things to actually aid me was my girlfriend, Daisy. My brother's too busy boning that whore-of-a-princess to care about me. The last time we had any fun, he jumped on my fucking head to get every powerup that came across our path. All I wanted was a simple walk, and he ended up making it to a competition. And those 2000 coins were going to pay for Daisy's engagement ring. Now, I had to get her a crappy tiny zircon ring instead of a elegant large magic quartz ring. Again, a big fuck you to....well...you. I hope this eats at your conscious so much that you can't even SLEEP, you amateur maggot. Insincerely yours, Luigi Mario."
James: The worst part about it is that I had taken other cases with that principle. I changed position, becoming the prosecutor, constantly winning against each of the cases, only to see the aggravated faces of my opponents' clients spit in my face as they walked away from the courtroom. Sure, I got some cash...but I ended up angering a lot of people. This sort of case ended up becoming my one-way ticket to douchebaggery. And I decided to take the other end of the stick so that for once, I couldn't anger my client in one of these cases. But every time I try to think that's even remotely possible, I just play back the last time I was defendant in one of these cases.
Sarah: Wow...that's quite a story there.
James: Yeah...anyways, I have to head home now...
Sarah: Shall I still work on the case?
James: Nah, you can pick up on it later.
Sarah: Alright, let me just put the files in your office.
James: Ok...night Sarah.
Sarah: Night, James.
Date: August 3rd
Time: 9:40 PM
Location: Spring Yard Casino and Hotel Room 512
Worm 1: Man, that was some wager you had in the roulette.
Worm 2: Hey, what can I say? I'm a gambler.
Worm 3: Indeed you are. By the way, thanks for letting me stay here.
Worm 2: No problem, mi cuarto es tu cuarto.
Worm 1: Heh...yeah...
(thump is heard from above room)
Worm 3: What the hell was that?
Worm 1: I dunno...all I'm concerned with is getting to bed.
Worm 2: Yeah, it's like 12 right now.
Worm 3: Same here.
(thump is heard again, louder and more frequent)
Worm 1: Sounds like someone's getting freaking upstairs.
Worm 3: Get a room!
Worm 2: They already have one...
(ceiling crashes and something attacks two of the worms)
Worm 2: AHHHH, GET THIS FUCKING THING OFF ME!! IT'S EATING MY BRAIN!!!
Worm 3: Holy fucking shit!
Worm 1: Get the shotgun in the suitcase, you nitwit. I can't prod this thing any longer
Worm 3: Alright. ("runs" for suitcase but then gets stopped by something) No...no...NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUGHHHHHH!!!
(all the worms slowly die as a large howl-like noise is emitted from the room)
Date: August 3rd
Time: 6:00 PM
Location: Supreme Court of Gaming Courtroom
Alright. Case of Rayman vs Rabbids. Rayman is suing the Rabbids for the latest game that they star in, Rabbids Go Home, because of the Luigi's Mansion Principle. James, you're defending the Rabbids is being defending by Admiral Razorbeard. Wait, what?
Admiral Razorbeard: Yarrrg, I minored in law. Long story short, I had a crush on a girl. Me love liked them crafty dogs.
Yeah, but...you...and him...
Rayman: I had to do some dirty work...
Uh...not gonna ask. Anyways, James won the beer chugging contest, so he gets to go first.
Mr. Rabbid: Alright, go ahead.
James: Ladies and gentlemen. I hold in my hand a document of a review of a Mr. DryChris. He states "Despite this game being different than what we've seen and having sort of a repetitive and tiring concept, it still is a game that you can enjoy. It's not as bad as people make it out to be." What does this have to do with the case? Simply that just because the Rabbids are the main ones in the games doesn't make the game all that bad.
Rebuttal, Mr. Razorbeard?
Admiral: I got a rebuttal right here! (grabs a blunderbass and shoots near James)
James: Holy Sacramento! You're not in the New York Stock Exchange, man. Chill!
Besides attempted murder, anything else you would like to say to James's argument?
Admiral: Well, matey, you can't simply use a bloody argument from a MS Painter. Besides, this game doesn't have me in it. That already makes this game terrible. Pegpulling aside, yer argument is only of one insignificant fool. Not only that, but the game itself is pretty much dull at the start.
Ok...so shall we start with a subject already?
Admiral: Yar, go ahead, lad.
Randomometer GO! (the Randomometer lands on a pixelated character) Graphics it is! Want to have another chugging contest?
Mr. Rabbid: Your honor!
Fine...I can't have any fun...go ahead James...
James: The graphics for the game are good. Not stellar but they're nice to look at. The humans in the game seem fitting with the style and the stages are kind interesting. Let's not forget that the "cutscenes" are quite nice.
Admiral: OBJECTION, MATEY! I'm pretty sure that the landlubbers were pretty scurvy. In a bad way. And those little animated cutscenes aren't quite so nice.
James: I guess so. But even with that said, the backgrounds in the game are quite stellar. Especially the Las Vegas level.
Admiral: There be a Las Vegas level? This be quite unfortunate for me...
James: And...after comprehending your response a bit more, I understand what you mean by the cutscenes being bad. They were ok, but it felt like a waste. Still, we're not talking about throwing the money in the garbage with the graphics, we're talking about the graphics themselves.
Admiral: Yaaarg, hold it! The judge never specified what specifically of the graphics we be talking about. We can talk about them being pointless.
That's quite true...
James: Are you honestly nitpick on something so meaningless and moronic like that? Good fuckity god, that's absolutely absurd. Look, maybe they didn't need to be there, but at least they look good.
Admiral: Oh, so ye want to have a conversation over their quality. Alright, me hearty. (throws circular saw at James)
ADMIRAL! Next time you do that, I will lock you up after this case reaches a verdict. You hear me?!
Admiral: I can't help it. I be having a bit of malfuctions lately. Haven't upgraded to Windows 7. Yarharharhar!
(whole court is quiet)
Admiral: Anyways, I'll be telling ye me reason as to why this "cutscenes" are crap. These graphics just ARRRRRRRE crap. They look pretty dull to me.
James: (facepalms) Judge, can we please move to the next subject? This is getting us nowhere...
Agreed. Let's move on to...(shakes magic 8 ball) music!
James: The music in this game is something that I haven't seen before. I mean, it's just so lively. It gives the game it's own flavor. The title song is so soothing. But slowly it turns into a bombastic tune of utter mayhem. The other songs with the band range from being calming and mysterious to wacky and insane. And they tone down the whole popular songs from the minigames and put in some more old and obscure filler songs.
Admiral: Ye can't just say that without backing up your statement, now can ye?
Rayman: Oh brother (facepalms and shakes head).
James: That's right. Allow me to give you this cassette containt the three best songs in the game.
(Cassette is added to evidence)
Let me have a look at them...(plays cassette on a audio player)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f2yRBCvgWgM - Horă De Joc
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oyAP6PpAzK8 - Bătută Din Moldova
Mr. Rabbid: Who carries a cassette and an cassette player these days?
Well...I can clearly see that those songs are good.
Admiral: Ye can't be serious. Just because he shows ya three shanties, doesn't mean that the whole soundtrack be that good. I mean, some of those filler songs are awful.
Admiral: Uhh....erm...yaaaaarg....I demand a reccess!
Then a reccess we'll have! Court dimissed for twenty minutes.
James: Oh right, I forgot your honor....here you are. (hands him screenshot of graphics)
Thank you for that. (Screenshot is added to evidence)
Sasha: James, I have something to show you.
James: What is it?
Sasha: Meet me in the Assistant's Research Facility.
Date: Still August 3rd
Time: 8:40 PM
Location: Assistant's Research Facility
Sasha: You remember when you sent me to investigate the newspaper articles?
James: Yeah....wait, I know where this is going....you found more evidence.
Sasha: Not for your case, but I did find out something else. You know those attacks that have been going on?
James: Yeah...what about them?
Sasha: The rabbids have been behind them!
James: What makes you say that?
Sasha: Recall the marks that Rayman had. The victim of the Pokemon Warehouse attack had the same marks. And so did the worms in the Spring Yard Hotel and Casino. Let's not forget the massacre in the alleyways of Dickville.
Sasha: You know, that place with that ripoff merchant and dog prodigy guitarist? It used to be called Ambertown until the mayor got murdered.
James: Ooooooh....but why are they attacking?
Sasha: What do they all have in common?
James: Erm...they're animals with cartoonish features?
Sasha: And what are the Rabbids?
James: (thinks for a moment) My god...it all makes sense. All of the people that have been killed are a threat to the Rabbids. By eradicating them, the Rabbids could gain success. But then that means that their next threat is...oh fuck, how much time do we have?
Sasha: 50 minutes
James: We got to finish this case and fast. (runs to courtroom but then returns) But first let's get something to eat. We still got time.
Date: Still Fucking August 3rd
Time: 9:00 PM
Location: Supreme Court of Gaming Courtroom
Okay...we took the reccess. Mr. Razorbeard...
Admiral: What do ye want?
You were going to prove to me that your last argument is right...well?
YOU'RE GOING IN THE SLAMMER FOR A YEAR ONCE THIS CASE IS OVER, YOU HEAR ME?!
Admiral: But I wasn't even going to do it...well I was...how did ye know?
I can read minds...ok?
Admiral: Grr...err...RAAAA!!! (shoots at James countless times, missing)
Make that three!
Admiral: MOTHER OF PEARL!! (shoots at James even more)
I will make that five years if you continue, Mr. Ra-
James: Just move on to the next case already, your honor!
Ok. But my point still stands. Let's go to the next subject...(flips a coin)...gameplay. You have the floor, Razorbeard. But the next time you try killing James and he'll automatically win this case.
Rayman: You do it, and I won't bail you out.
Admiral: Yeesh. Alright, matey. I'll fancy yer wager. Let's see, (looks at instructions booklet) ye move with the control stick, ye accelerate with the A button, ye make the Rabbids scream by shaking the Wiimote and ye can launch a Rabbid with the Z button. Alright, well, when launching the Rabbid, it takes quite a while to get the target that ye want. Sometimes, yer momentum can't be changed and you end up losing all of yer booty. And there's a bit of inconsistency in the levels. At times I can fall off the ledge and at other times I can't? What be that blasphemy?
James: Allow me to retort. First off, the Wii Motion Plus was released before that game got released, and that fixed that problem. Second, you probably just suck at the game as I had no problem with momentum. Although that Las Vegas level was a little aggravating. Mind if I add that as evidence, your honor?
Sure...can't really say if that helps you or not...but go ahead.
(Las Vegas level's aggravation added to evidence)
Admiral: Actually, a bigger compliant that I could address is how easy this game be.
Overruled...let him finish.
Admiral: Thank ye, yer honor. Allow me to bring Rayman as me witness.
(courtroom starts talking)
Order! Let's bring him up to the stand.
Admiral: Now, Rayman. Tell the courtroom why this game isn't worth yer dabloons.
Rayman: Why certainly. I played this game because those a-holes in Ubisoft
made me. And when I plated it, I beat it around 5 or 6 hours. Some of the flaws in the game slowed me down for a while, but I managed to get a lot of things very fast. And the boss fights were pretty easy. They seemed quite pointless. I mean, they're not a fucking challenge.
Mr. Rabbid: I beg to differ, Rayman. I mean, didn't James just add Las Vegas level's aggravation to the evidence? And some of the boss fights took some to complete. Not that much, but they weren't piss easy. And furthermore you do need timing in this game. And you do need to play it some more times to...oh...I dunno...GET ALL OF THE COLLECTIBLES?! Seriously Rayman, you never thought of that?!
James: (looks at the time) Oh Jesus fucking Christ. EVERYONE HIT THE DECK!
James: Just do it if you don't want to die!
Mr. Rabbid: You want to know something, Rayman? (moonlight slowly creeps on to him as the courtroom gets darker) You're just jealous. You envy the Rabbids because Ubisoft left you for dirt. Oh wait, they're going to give you a game. So...it's more of that you're jealous of our success. Look this game isn't that bad and it isn't all that wonderful...
Don't do the verdict, that's my job!
Mr. Rabbid: You shut up, your honor. As I was saying...the game isn't the best nor is it the worst, but's it damn well better than anything YOU HAVE DONE!!
(moonlight shines on Mr. Rabbid and he transforms into a crazy Rabbid) BWWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!
Rayman: Oh shi- (Mr. Rabbid slams Rabbid against courtroom wall and the two fight for quite some while)
I want to get out of here alive, so I'll get to the verdict. Rabbids Go Home is an ok game. It's short and it's easy. But that's not to say that it doesn't have a few challenges here and there. The music's nice, the graphics are ok and the gameplay's simple to master. Not to mention that the Las Vegas level is quite a marvel. The court favors James. Court is adjourned. Now...if you'll excuse me, I got to get the fuck out of here. (runs away and comes back) Also, Razorbeard, report to the slammers immediately or I will utter a paradox instantly (runs away)
Admiral: Yarrgh! That be no fair...I'll see ye later, Jamesy-boy!
James: Whatever...at least I finally won a case having to do with the Luigi's Mansion Principle.
Luigi: I still hate you!
James: Yeah...well, you're a little fucking wimp that's under your brother's shadow.
Rayman: Hey, James...(James looks at him). Can you pass me something so I can finally kill off this Rabbid?
James: Sure...(throws him a stone and then walks away)
Sasha: Well that was some case, wasn't it?
James: Yeah...it sure was....it sure was...(smash is heard, Rabbid is dead)
Hello. I am here to talk about repetition. Repetition as a whole. As a whole meaning that I'm here to talk about repetition inside this world. Now, as some fancy little scholar said, "History repeats itself." And, it has come to my attention that this person is right. We are cursed to relive a loop of recurring events in our life. Don't believe me? Well, I'll prove it.
In Dec. 31, 1999, people went ballistic and chanted across the streets "THE END IS NEAR! THE END IS NEAR!". Jan. 1, 2000 came along and everyone was fine. What's gonna happen in Dec. 20-ish, 2012? People are going to do the same thing, even though we, as humans, really can't be that foolish to believe that...but there are weeaboos and Twilight fans lurking about, so that's practically proving my statement wrong. What else? James Cameron released a lame movie (Titanic) that got money gushing out of the theatres in seconds, later having people chant out that the movie is overrated while that man was too busy listening to the sound of highest-grossing records being smashed. Judaism got sucker-punched by their sister religion, Christianity. Some big figure becomes the threat to America, but once it's taken out, they find another enemy. A radical figure gets appointed into power and everyone wants to get him killed, which then slowly leads to a spiral downwards. So, yeah, the world does seem to be going in a loop. But is that really bad? Well, it depends...
The things Nostalgia Critic teaches me. Also, boobs.
If there is one medium that has managed to make repetition into a day-to-day hobby, it's the movie industry. Like any other industry, all it wants is cash. Sweet sweet cash. At times a director will look down at a crowd and ask himself/herself what they would enjoy. Afterwards, this director would sweat as much as possible to publish something for the crowd to enjoy. But then we have the case of the drunkard director that takes an already good idea and alters it to their pleasing to later create a disaster, that somehow gets them cash. This is as basic as getting an already established story, ripping it out of the movie you wish to copy, and transplanting it onto your movie. Take for example James Cameron's OTHER critic-dissapointing box-office hit, Avatar. Gee, I wonder what he did? James Cameron simply grabbed Ferngully's (or Pocahontas's, whatever) story and added blue aliens, a lame name for an element and graphics that make you forget how much of a mediocre movie you're seeing.
Now, I can understand that at times, a really really original story is going to feel like you have to take a damaged box of bear traps to the other side of a town that is known for its multiple cracks and bumps...while riding a unicycle. But, truth be told...you don't have to go so crackpot-theorist on the idea. Just take a conventional idea and spin it around as much as possible until you get something that will get your viewer to enjoy your movie, even if your story basically has the main character swearing revenge on an evil place for some past event. It's all a matter of slightly emulating an idea instead of slightly imitating it.
The second repetitive thing from a movie industry is "fan frenzy". Fan frenzy happens when a movie becomes the best thing ever for a group of people. That group of people soon start going nuts with that movie and later on create chaos with their newfound fandom. From talking about details in the movie to writing sick little fanfics about it. Now, fan frenzy comes and goes with a lot of media-related things. Movies are the ones that really taking advantage of it. Why? Well, movies and video games both share the idea of throwing down a fishing line of a sequel or something to their fans and watching them go crazy for it. But movies are publicized like mad throughout the place, either glorifying the movie and/or giving fans more and more things that they want. And it's typical for these fans to become the everyday nuisance of people who really aren't ballistic about it. The "hardcore" fans are either cool people, people that don't have a life or complete lunatics. The problem with each fandom is how the hardcore sector is divided, either making them more bearable or less. In the case of today, we are cursed with the Twilight fan ambush, where countless teens are going gaga for some dude who probably would become Adam Lambert's girlfriend. As well as some kid that isn't that good of a singer.
Movies are also the most notable for something called "Sequelitis". And this is repetitive (and annoying) as fuck. Let's see if you can remember a scenario like this. Some person comes along and throws a really good movie for people to watch. People like it a lot and some demand for a second one. The second one either becomes better, worse or in the middle, but it still makes money for this person. And soon that person will continue creating sequels until realizing that the fanbase is dragging across the pavement, urging for the creator to stop. A famous series that's known for suffering a bad case of Sequelitis is Saw.
I never seen the movie, because of my young age. I have watched parts of it and found that if I were to go on Youtube and watch this by myself, I should probably have to take a bunch of sleeping pills. It's a gory movie (not super-duper, but I'm kinda squirmish. Key word being kinda) and the villain's form of "teaching" his subjects the wrong from the right is sickening. Yet, with all the information I've gotten...this movie seems to intruige me a lot. I mean, the puppet is cool, the way he sends the messages is cool, the traps are crazy and the villain is a complete lunatic. But people seem to dislike the series for two reasons. One is that it's a torture porn flick. And that with torture porn, you're not really getting the same effect as a run-of-the-mill horror film. That's debatable and I'm pretty unbiased of the whole thing. The other reason is that the creators went waaaay too far with sequels. They create a sequel every year and at some point (fans say it was at the fourth installment), people were sick of it.
"Why were they sick of the sequels?" you may ask. Well, it's because they don't really put any thought to it and just rush a sequel in for a cash in. Some know when to stop and others just went out of their way to care. It's not rare to find a good sequel. It's just really hard to do so. Oh...I almost forgot to mention remakes. Nothing quite says "We've got nothing" like a rehash of something that already was made. Sometimes, it's because this person had a different way of viewing the series. Other times, it's for a quick buck. And then sometimes, it's just for the pure nostalgia of it. Speaking of which...
Games are the more leeching kind of repeaters. This means that when they repeat, they do it so that they can get you enjoying it while they slowly suck out all the cash that you have. In other words, by bringing a nostalgic game back on it's roots (or making a new addition to the series), you are brainwashed to buying the same stuff you did before...just now with a new feature or something. Is it a bad thing? Well, yes and no. Yes because you make the game developer's job easier than it has to be. All the developer has to do is change a few things and package it off for you. Hardly any experimenting goes around. No because the game developer is not going to piss off a bunch of gamers by drastically changing a game they liked causing them to hate him/her. By playing of safe turf, they don't risk falling flat on their face. But it becomes a problem once the gamer realizes that the game doesn't do anything that makes it new, boring him/her once the next game comes in.
This sort of thing becomes a little complex to talk about because soon people are praising a game that is good, but almost the exact same game before (Super Mario Galaxy 2, for example), and later on attacking a group of people on how they can be buying the same game as before (like CoD fans or Madden fans). And then the whole thing intertwines itself, causing mass confusion among others. Let's just put it like this. Series like Mario, CoD, Madden, etc. are the same game, just with alterations. You either enjoy the series or you don't. But once you see that your series is getting a tad too repetitive for your tastes, try to think of a way that you would still like the game, but have its mechanics changed for a different experience. Once you do that, tell your company to try and do that.
I'm trying to say that in order to change a game's mechanics for the better, you have to think like crazy. Gameplay mechanics can be "limitless", but you have to think about the limits that your fans would enjoy. To me, it just seems tough to truly change the game and have your fans like it. At the same time, I do think that Nintendo should really think of going somewhere else with their franchises instead of just dangling nostalgia above our heads to please us like a baby with jingling keys. Don't get me wrong, their games are good...but wouldn't it be nice if they tried something new with them? I know that Mario has been in every single sort of game known to man, but the formula has become so old, it's a joke. I just would like to see something new, y'know? As I say that, I'm faced with the problem of not knowing what I specifically want for the change. I'm just blabbering without thinking twice about it. Eventually, I just stick with my Mario games, even though I know they are recycled. That, or I can just play something else. After all, variety is the spice of life.
The repetition of games can best be summed up like this. You either play the series or not. And if you question your series for it's repetitiveness, you either face the music and demand for a change, continue playing because you don't have a specific idea for what you can change in the series, or get a different game. Either way you go, the buisness is still making money and you are still left with your mind tied in a knot.
I have gone on a few arguments here and there about the repetition in these industries. I know that history repeats itself. I knew it ever since I learned about the phrase. I also know that sometimes repetition is good and repetition is bad. Repetition can be good with the cycle of life, or the cycle of water or with video games. But it can be bad when it deals with annoying situations, people getting angry, doing something for a quick buck or never learning from your mistakes. I haven't even hit half of the things that are bad with repetition...mainly because I think you know about them, and don't want to feel like Captain Obvious here. So, repetition works for the better of us, or for the worst. It depends on the situation. Just remember that no matter what...history shall repeat itself.
James: So, the almighty Judge has decided to launch a "Apprentice-Novice" program inside the conglomerate again. Bah! I fucking hate that program. I'm always stuck with an idiot or someone who's too fucking full of themself to work with me. *sigh* But I'll just bite my lip and go with what I get.
James: Hello, Judge
I've got your apprentice for the program. You know the rules.
James: No, I forgot, remind me again about the rules.
Normally, I'd tell you to keep your sarcasm to yourself, but I'm in a good mood. Hell, who knows, you might be in a good mood with what assignment you get.
James: Sasha B. Magess? Hmm....I might be able to work with this.
I'm gonna head off now. I got a trail in a minute. Apparently, they say Pacman's a member of the Arcade Mafia. And they were the ones responsible for breaking 5 console stores around the vicinity.
James: That's some fucked up shit.
What did you expect?
James: I know...anyways, have fun at the circus.
(rolls eyes) First time I ever heard that. (exits)
James: This apprentice I'm getting me seems to sound like it'll be a bit easier to deal with. But I shouldn't get my hopes too high. She's probably some stupid blonde or a self-centered bitch or a...
???: Sorry I'm late, Mr. James.
James: (I guess I should take that back) That's ok, Ms. Magess. I wasn't aware at what time you were supposed to be here.
Sasha: Oh. Well, we should get started. How long have you been in the buisness?
James: For about 10 years.
Sasha: That's sounds like a short time to be in the buisness
James: Well, you have to put it all in perspective to see how long it truly is.
Sasha: Ah...well that makes sense.
James: So, what about you? Why are you going into law?
Sasha: Well, my parents wanted me to go into magic, but I was only suitable for Level 12 magic, and the university required Level 15 magic. So I went into law because I'm intruiged by it.
James: Ok. Let's get started. We have about three weeks to shape you up. If you're going to have to do good in your first case, we're going to have to work hard.
Sasha: Alright, let's do this.
Time: 10:00 PM
Date: 2 weeks, 6 days later
Location: Spring Yard Zone Hotel and Casino Bar
Klonoa: Bartender, get me another drink.
Bartender: Haven't you had enough?
Klonoa: I'm in this hotel, so I can get all the drinks I goddamn want.
Bartender: Alright then.
Klonoa: Thank you. (looks at a guy to his right) The hell do you want?
???: Why does it concern you?
Klonoa: I dunno...you're just looking at me weird.
???: I'm just having a drink is all.
Bartender: Hey...wait a minute...I know you...
???: No you don't.
Bartender: Yeah...I do. Holy shit, it's you!!! GET HIM!!!
(everyone pulls a weapon at him)
Klonoa: Don't make me use this ring on you, punk!
???: Look, I'm not that type of guy any more.
Bartender: Don't toy with me, pal. I've seen the Wanted posters.
Policeman 1: We came here as soon as the alarm sounded off.
Policeman 2: Alright, buddy, You're going to prison for a long time.
???: You leave me no choice. (pulls out a gun and sword and starts fighting with everyone in the bar, killing 12 people)
Klonoa: Oh no you don't! (Punches ??? in the face)
???: You furry bastard! (Grabs Klonoa by the ears and swings him to the police officers) Now...(points the gun at the bartender)...who the fuck do you work for?!
Bartender: What? I'm just arresting you for the wanted signs'
???: Don't play with me, fucker! I know what you're up to (gets whacked by a stool thrown by Klonoa).
Time: 3:00 PM
Date: The next day
Location: James's office.
James: Well I think you're set.
Sasha: You really think so?
James: Yes. Now all we need is a case.
James: You again?! What the hell happened to you? And who the hell is that guy you're dragging?
Klonoa: I got beat up by him. He's the douchebag on the news. (throws a newspaper at his desk)
Sasha: "Local Bartender Stabbed In The Chest By Gunman." He's that Kusagari fella?
Klonoa: 'Fraid so. That asshole is apparently wanted for not living up to expectations in his second game. Among other things...god I need an aspirin.
James: Sasha, get the man an aspirin. So...why are you here?
Klonoa: I want you to take my case against this jackass. This guy owes me at least 400 coins.
Sasha: When's your trail going to be?
Klonoa: I set it for tommorow.
Kusagari: *wakes up* Oh no you don't, Mr. Ridiculously Easy! People are accusing of 5 different crimes. 2 that I did. You have to take my trial about not living up to expectations.
James: I don't see why we can't take both of your trails, We'll set your trial for after-tommorow. Looks like you got a trial, Sasha.
Alright, we have the second trail of this dude today. I'm tired of saying the details, so baliff, tell everyone about this trial
Baliff: Yessir! This trail is of Kusagari versus an upset fan. The fan is sueing the man for $90,000 because Red Steel 2 didn't live up to the first one's expectations. Kusagari's lawyer is the lovely Sasha B. Magess and the upset fan's lawyer is the handsome Gabriel Thompson.
GT? Aww, damnit, I'm going to be biased in this trial then.
Gabriel Thompson: What? You don't even know me? Besides, you're just using my initials to address Gametrailers, a site known for being super pissed with Screwattack...as well as having some unorthodox choices.
Oh...I guess you're right. Anyways, it's ladies first, so we'll let Sasha have her opening statement.
Sasha: Thank you, your honor. People...my client may have been aggresive with Mr. Klonoa...
Klonoa: You're damn right!
Sasha: But he has lived up to expectations in his sequel game. Better in every way. Hell, he makes the Wii MotionPlus seem more responsive to movements.
Angry Fan: Yeah, hardly you skank.
Sasha: (goes up to the fan) Don't try me. I know black magic, so I can do terrible things to you if you keep intimidating me.
Alright, your rebuttal Mr. Thompson?
Gabriel: Your honor...while my opposition has made a fair statement, I would have to disagree with her. I could be here explaining to you why I think she is wrong...but then this trial would just be me rambling on.
Ok. Both of you make good points. So...let's get to the story.
James: Alright, story's usually the easiest. Get out there and state your case.
Sasha: The story is about a member of the Kusagari, my client, returning from a five year banishment. He finds his home of Caldera in flames from the Jackals, who are a gang of thugs and scavengers. They have taken over the place. So now you must get them out of town while figuring out things about your clan.
Gabriel: I don't mean to sound rude, your honor, but while the story is just satisfactory for this kind of game, it's not of any relevance. People who play this game can easily skip through the cutscenes, making it something optional.
While that is true, you did sort of defend the point of the story being good.
Gabriel: But the story doesn't affect the quality of this particular game.
By god, you're right.
Sasha: What do I do?
James: (whispers in her ear)
Sasha: Your honor, the story is still an aspect of this game, so regardless of the relevance of how it affects the quality of the game, you still have to count this part in.
I might as well just let this part of the verdict be a minor and mostly ineffective part of the full thing. So, in a sense....both of you win. Alright, let's get to graphics.
Gabriel: The graphics in this game are pretty dull for a shooter/beat 'em up game. It all seems brown and grey, not allowing for that much of diversity. It just seems bleek for the gamer.
Sasha: OBJECTION! If you look at other shooters, you'll notice that this game at least had a more bright surrounding to it. The place could do well with making a temple or a deserted western town look a little more vibrant. It's only when you get to a certain part of a game where everything seems dusty. I even have pictures to prove it.
(pictures added to evidence)
Huh...it's clearly shown that this game does at least take a little more risks than other shooters.
Gabriel: While that may be true that it did take more risks, it's still a simple palette. The backgrounds don't seem to be changing colors. It's always the same thing. And there are new locations, so you can use that as an excuse.
Sasha: I never was going to use that as an excuse. I was actually going to say that even though the palette is limited, they did at least different shades and even added a night time level to vary what little they had.
Gabriel: I guess you have a point.
James: You better!
You're not a lawyer in this case, so you zip your mouth.
Well, I think I've heard enough about this. Shall we move on to sound?
Angry Fan: Whatever, as long as this bitch loses.
Sasha: You watch your mouth, you little brat.
Gabriel, you may call your first witness if you wish.
Gabriel: Thank you. I call the Music Meister to the stand!
James: Yeah...apparently he does music for video games.
Alright...people, put your brainwash-proof hearing aids that I left under your chair just in case this would happen.
The Music Meister: (singing) Hello, Mr. Judge. Nice day we have here. So what do you need from me, perhaps a cold beer?
No...we just need your testimony.
Gabriel: Alright, Mr. Meister. Could you tell the court about the music you made in the game?
Music Meister: You really haven't done any of your research. But here I am, on top of this perch. The composer of these songs is dull and lame. It's pretty forgetful in the game. If you really want to talk about sound...maybe talk about the voice actors that you are around. And by that last sentence, I was referring to the in-game experience. I don't have a decent rhyme so I'll just jump a fence!
Sasha: As much as I would like to disagree with Mr. Thompson's witness...it's true. The music doesn't stick out. So, if we really want to be talking about sound in games, we should talk about the voice actors.
Music Meister: These voice actors are pretty forgetful too. Besides, you're distracted with shit that you have to do.
You certainly are a buzzkill. (And a pretty bad rhymer at that)
Music Meister: Hey, all I'm saying is the truth. Now, if you will excuse me, I got to make a call in the telephone booth. (exits)
You do that. So...Sasha...do you also agree with this?
Sasha: I can agree with Music Meister about the voice actors being forgetful in the sense that you have to do many things. And as it was said before, the cutscenes are skippable, so you can ignore the voice actors. But if you didn't skip them, you'd see that they aren't that bad. They're not annoying and do a decent job of capturing the character they portray.
I guess so. Well, let's get to the final part of this trail. The gameplay!
(courtroom goes crazy)
Gabriel: I call the Kusagari man to the stand.
(courtroom starts going more mad, people start stalling the case for an hour, ignoring the Judge)
GET. ON. WITH. IT!
(courtoom is in silence)
Kusagari: Ok, I'm on the stand again. What do you want?
Gabriel: Well...tell us about the gameplay of the game.
Kusagari: Well, they say that the gameplay from the first game was the biggest problem. The controls were unresponsive and the sword was just all over the place. But in this game, with the addition of that Wii Motionplus, the controls are way swifter. And there's varied difficulties for different players.
Gabriel: I have to disagree. The controls on moving the camera still seem a little stiff and when you have to turn the safe crack, it's always wonky.
Sasha: OBJECTION! The controls on the safe are wonky the first time. Later on, you figure out how you're supposed to hold the Wiimote. And when you move, it's stiff because you don't move the Wiimote right or a little calibration error. It can be corrected with ease.
Gabriel: Ok...but tell me this, why is it that when I move the sword up, it moves in a different direction?
Kusagari: You're not moving the Wiimote directly in the direction. You have to make a wider motion to get it right.
Sasha: Yeah. Getting into the controls, it's pretty easy to understand, but it's hard to master. Mainly because you need more cash and you have to get the patterns of certain enemies, like the chaingunner. And the special moves are pretty epic. Swinging your sword up in order to launch an enemy high in the air? Impressive.
Gabriel: While the sword has a variety of combos, the guns are limited. I mean, only four guns? That's not very impressive, when you think about what you get. A revolver, a small shotgun, a Tommy gun and a rifle. How impressive.
Al Capone: (crashes into the courtroom) Don't question the Tommy gun, see? Mmyeah. Don't.
Shouldn't you be dead?
Al Capone: I'm merely making a point of badassery in this particular firearm, see? Mmyeah.
I'll allow it. (sigh)
Sasha: Speaking of this, I would like to contradict your statement, Gabriel. First off, the shotgun is one of the most powerful guns in the game, next to the rifle. Size doesn't really matter. Second off, the guns can be upgraded, which can make for better effieciency. And third of all, the game doesn't need a bunch of guns in order to make itself good. It's all about mixing your attacks up.
Kusagari: You two also forgot to talk about how you can get armor and other things like that for later on in the game. And not to mention the different missions you get.
I really don't see that much discussion with that. What we SHOULD get to is boss battles.
Gabriel: They vary from being really easy, to being really cheap.
James: You set yourself up for that one, buddy.
WHAT DID I SAY?!
Sasha: The first boss is easy because that's how it works. All you really need is to whack him with the sword at the right time. With other bosses, you got to know when you can attack and when you have to defend. It's just like a regular game. Besides, with the various combos, you can always test each of the combos out until you get the right attack.
Gabriel: I would imagine so.
Well...it seems like I can think of my verdict.
(courtroom starts doing small talk for five minutes until the Judge comes back)
Alright, I've made my verdict. This game is a very impressive sequel. Despite never playing the first one, I have heard that it didn't do so well. But the second one is tons of fun. With the different moves you can learn, the different objectives and the different guns, you'll have tons of fun shooting and slashing your enemies. And the remote really responds to your every movements better. I find the defendant not guilty.
Kusagari: Yes! Only two more charges to be proven innocent of.
James: Sorry about going against you yesterday.
Kusagari: It's ok.
Congratulations, James. You finally got one of your apprentices to win a case. Here's your cash prize.
James: There's a cash prize?
Yep. The other ones didn't do so well, so you get the full prize. Here's your 200,000 dollars.
James: Thanks, Judge
James: Well, you certainly did me proud, Ms. Magess.
Sasha: I learned from one of the best.
James: Hey, I was just wondering...and this is just if you're ok with it...would you like to work for my firm?
Sasha: Sure, I'd love to get into some more cases.
James: Good. Now I won't be fucking lonely in that office.
Sasha: (laughs) I guess you won't.
Gabriel: That was a good trial, Ms. Magess.
Sasha: Likewise, Mr. Thompson.
Angry Fan: You won't hear the last of me, you whore.
Sasha: (snaps her fingers, teleporting the fan somewhere else) I think I will.
Kusagari: Well, I got to be heading back to my place. Later, guys.
(Warning: If you are not a fan of anything that sounds like a fanfic that ingeniously got mixed in with a review, then don't say I didn't tell ya so.)
Time: 9:30 PM
Date: Wed. July 14, 2010
Location: Pixel Town Sleazy Hotel District, Room 341
??? (Narrating): It's tough to be in Pixel Town. All around the place, people are smashing vases to find some jewels so they can buy a bottle of LSD they refer to as a "health potion". Then we have idiots breaking their necks on the brick ledges above them, thinking that they would be getting coins. Other people get into gang wars and end up eating a presumably healthy leg of lamb from a garbage can. Then we have people that light their hands on fire and proceed to uppercut each other. Everyone around here lives a crazy life. As for me...I'm trying to run away from a life much crazier than this one.
Peach: Come back to bed, honey. I don't get another customer 'til 10:00
???: Sorry, dollface. I can't level up now. I got to go.
???: Thanks, but no thanks. I've already had my share of skanks today.
??? (Narrating): I headed down to a nearby booze joint. There, I saw a blond dude with a large sword, chugging down bottle after bottle. I sat down on the bar stool, only to notice a woman with a white shirt and long black hair staring at me. I was thirsty, so I asked the barkeep for a drink.
???: Yo, barkeep. Get me a drink and get me one fast.
Bartender: Why do you need it so fast?
???: Look, pal...if you want your tip, you'll get my drink, no questions asked.
Bartender: My apologies.
??? (narrating): So I started to drink bottle after bottle. As I chugged down the beer, I had started to forget the past. I faintly remember kissing the girl for a long time as the blondie grabbed his sword and proceeded to give me a cut on my back. I retailliated with a smashed bottle to the head as he then cried and entered into the bathroom to sob. The next thing I know, a bright light is being shown on me and I see two dark figures interrogating me about something. I then later learn that I've been arrested for tresspassing, attempted murder, sexual intercourse in public and being in a game that's way too easy. I don't understand why I had to relive the last charge up again. All I wanted to do was forget it. But I have to do what I have to do. I had two seperate trials for each case. The first three charges were on Saturday. The last charge was on Friday. I needed a lawyer and fast.
Time: 4:20 PM
Date: Thurs. July 15, 2010
Location: Supreme Court of Gaming Lawyer Conglomerate
???: Hello? Is this James' office?
James: Yes, this is James' office. I'm James. What do you want, you weird fuck?
???: No need to be rude, jackass. Anyways, I need a lawyer, and they say that you're the most experienced.
James: Platniff or Defendant?
James: Ok, name.
???: *sigh* Klonoa.
James: *spit-take* WHAT?! It can't be.
Klonoa (narrating): I guess he had all the right to be alarmed. I mean, I had changed my blue cap with a blue fedora. The ring was now smaller and used only for times that were necessary. I had dark red fingerless gloves and my jacket looked more like a raincoat. Only thing that didn't change were the shoes, my eyes and my skin.
Klonoa: Yeah...I'm Klonoa alright.
James: Wow...the things that happen to obscure heroes. So...what's been going on?
Klonoa: I've been arrested for tresspassing Pixel Town, attempting to murder someone that I don't even remember fighting, having sexual intercourse with some chick in a public park and being in a game that is way too easy.
James: Well, this is going to be a tough case.
Klonoa: Relax. We're only taking care of the last charge. And that one will be much easier on you. It's a shame I can't live it down *lights cigarette*
James: Don't worry, man. You're with one of the best fucking lawyers in the whole conglomerate!
???: You're screwed!
James: Hey, fuck you! Anyways, I'll be glad to be of any help.
Klonoa (narrating): I think I may have a chance with this man. He seems to know what he's doing. I just hope that I can keep myself structured when it comes to my ass on the seat. I decided to head back to the hotel James offered me. There, I got some room service and my dinner given to me by the staff. I then rested, to await my trail for tommorow.
Date: Fri. July 16, 2010
Location: Supreme Court of Gaming Court Room
Alright, I've returned. Sorry, people. It's just that I've been really busy with so much stuff. What with more cases going to the Council of Website Game Reviewers and the Supreme Court of Gaming becoming underpowered by them. But I have returned, so let's get this case started. Alright...let me see here. Apparently, Klonoa has been charged with 4 allegations, but for this trail, we're focusing on the last one. Uh-huh. Opposition, you may state your case.
Peach: Thank you, your honor.
Klonoa (narrating): I couldn't believe my eyes. That whore that I slept with countless times, was going against me in this trail. But I think something stunned me even more.
Klonoa: She's a lawyer?!
James: Yeah, crazy isn't it? She's a pretty mediocre lawyer. Most of the time I win and she goes back to sucking the plumber's cock for money.
Klonoa: Yeah...heh...the plumber's cock...
Peach: Ladies and gentlemen of the jury. Have you ever seen a remake? Do you know that remakes aren't usually good? Well, this game that this repulsive man...
Klonoa: That's not what you said last night.
Peach: As I was saying....this game, "Klonoa", is so damn easy, that it's pratically unenjoyable. It's not fun, it's not innovative. It's just Namco trying to do a platformer on the Wii. And sucking.
Thank you for your opening statement. Defense, your rebuttal?
James: Thank you, your honor. People of the jury...difficulty of a game doesn't change the quality of said game. It just makes it easier or harder to finish the game. Quality comes from the various aspects of it. And I think that there are games easier than this.
We'll see about that. Alright. Let's get started with the story. Opposition, you may call your first witness.
Peach: Thank you, your honor. I call Klonoa to the stand!
*loud chatter, gasping*
Klonoa, do you swear to tell the truth and nothing but the truth?
Klonoa: I'll see if I can.
Peach: Now, Mr. Klonoa. Will you please tell the court the basic story of your game?
Klonoa: If I must. *lights cigarette and starts smoking it* Don't you think it's kind of strange? *drops ashes down to the floor* How sometimes when you wake up, you know you had a dream but you can't remember it? Where do you suppose those dreams go? But there's one dream I remember very clearly, as if it was happening right now. I remember about a place where people's dreams fuel the very land of Phantomile. But I keep remembering about a dream. Of a ship. Crashing into the mountains. My grandfather knows about that dream too. But then, it really does happen. So then I head off with a ring spirit named Hewpoe into the land.
Later, I find Ghadius and Joker finding the moon pendant that seems to hold some sort of magic power. Then I see that Lephise is taken hostage by them. I later learn her song of rebirth will save us all. Well...would have saved us all, if it weren't for that prick Ghadius. I then set off on a journey, meeting different characters. Later on, my grandfather is killed and I set off to the Moon Kingdom to seek revenge. I finally get there, only to find out that Hewpoe is the prince of that kingdom.
At the end...*blows a smoke ring at Peach*, I defeat the evil, make out with Lephise and head back home to pack my stuff and get the fuck out of Breezegale. They didn't show that real ending though. They just wanted it to look like I was having a happy adventure. I don't care. At least I'm out of that village...for now.
Peach: There, you see? Doesn't this story sound botched?
Jury Member 1: That story isn't half bad at all.
Jury Member 2: Certainly sounds interesting.
Jury Member 3: Not the best story in the world, but it's still good.
Peach: But it's still the story of saving the damsel in distress.
Klonoa: You should know. You're practically THE damsel in distress.
*whole courtroom starts laughing*
Peach: Grrr...*heads back to offense's desk*
Bowser: *whispers into Peach's ear*
Peach: Get the fuck away from me. I'm not in the mood today...
I guess this verdict speaks for itself. Well, let's move on to something else. The graphics. James, you have the floor.
James: Your honor, the graphics for this game fit what it's suppose to set. It's bright and colorful or dark and grimy when it needs to be. Most of the time, it's always something cheerful. It's always a good setting that most kid games have. The graphics are pretty smooth and look fantastic. Not to mention the cutscenes are somewhat entertaining.
Peach: OBJECTION! The movements of the mouth look extremely rushed. And to be honest with you, I've seen better graphics on a crappy N64 game.
James: I will agree that the mouth movements look terrible, but tell me, Peachy...what about the graphics sucks the most balls?
Peach: Uh...well the....erm...uh...
James: I knew it.
I'm going to have to give you a strike for telling the court something you couldn't back up. Anyways...since I can see that there is nothing more to speak of the graphics, I guess we can move to audio then...
???: Not just yet, GameJudge.
Sam and Max?
Sam: Yep. We have arrived at this destination to converse about the gameplay.
Max: We've brought evidence!
Klonoa (narrating): It just came back to me. On that night, I had been interrogated by a dog and a rabbit doing the "good cop-bad cop" routine on me. But I just remember them...I don't know anything about the whole conversation, detail-wise. I was too drunk to recall. That and hangovers can be a pain in the neck.
Well, don't just stand there, fellas. Bring the evidence in.
*video gets played on monitor*
Sam: Now, pal. Can you just explain to me the gameplay mechanics of this here game?
Klonoa: W-what...what game? Whicgh game *hiccup* Which game? Thar we go.
Max: The game we're holding up in front of you, ya drunk jackwagon.
Klonoa: Oh..oh...OH! *drunken laughter* That game is soooo easy. I mean, re-re-real easy. It's kinda pathetic whan ju tink aboot it. I mean...soooooo easy!
Sam: So, you admit to the allegation?
Klonoa: What? What?! I-I-I nevar admit a word that you say. I...I'm just saying that the game's a little easy.
Max: Clearly, the man is drunk. Let's just whack him with a lead pipe and haggle him tommorow.
Klonoa: You wanna go...go tough guy? Bring it, rabbit boy!
Sam: I think he was just making a crass joke.
Max: Don't worry Sam, I can take this booze-ridden asshole. Bring it!
*rest of tape is Klonoa and Max fighting, while Sam comes in to try and stop them*
Peach: The video certainly said a mouthful.
Klonoa: You'd like that wouldn't you?
Peach: What's that supposed to mean?
Peach: Oh, gross!
Fellas, can we stop with this, we have a serious case going on for fuck's sake. Now can we keep this going?
James: Alright, sorry. Your honor...isn't it fucking obvious? My client was drunk, therefore this video doesn't serve as true evidence.
Max: Oh why I oughtta...
Sam: Whoa, man. Calm down. I think I can give a proper rebuttal. Your honor, what if we were to ask him right now about the gameplay? I bet his response would have to still be proving the allegation of a very simple game to be true.
I'm going to allow this.
Sam: Klonoa, is the game really easy to play?
Klonoa: *deep sigh* I'd be lying if I said no.
*courtroom starts going crazy*
Order. Order! Order!! ORDER!!
Klonoa: Yes, I'll admit it. The game is easy to master and easier to play. But I tried my damnest to tell the people at Namco to challenge the players in the game. They shoved me away and told me "Relax, we'll do some cool with the game" and proceeded to put me in a chair where my mind was wiped out of every single memory and fueled with the game code. After the whole process, I got my memory back and proceeded to look at the game to see if they kept their promise. Technically, they didn't, so I was angered by their broken promise. I rampaged in there and told them what the hell was going on. But then they said "But, Klonoa, people are saying that despite the easy gameplay, it shows a step foward." After a while..I then realized what they were saying and exited the place. *blows another smoke ring at Peach*
Sam: What is he saying?
Max: I have no idea. Now I think we're needed somewhere. We'll be back!
Uh....ok...anyways, someone care to develop on what Klonoa said?
Peach: He's clearly rambling on about something idiotic. This isn't even worth cross-examining for evidence against his claim. It's just flat out nonsense.
Klonoa: That or you have B-
Peach: That's enough out of you, Klonoa!
Klonoa: Hey, it's your fetish, not mine.
COULD YOU TWO STOP WITH THIS NONSENSE?! I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL GET THE GAME EXECUTIONER IN HERE IF YOU DO THIS AGAIN!!! Sheeeeesh!
James: *quivering behind the desk* Uh...Judge?
James: I think I know what Klonoa's saying...
James: Yeah. Think about it, Judge. A game could have some aspect to it that causes it to become mediocre, but after a while, people will take that idea and later develop it.
Peach: What the hell are you saying?
James: The game opens a new world for platformers, you dumb bitch. People can use the Klonoa game mechanics and perhaps mold it for a new game. Make it a bit more intruiging.
Peach: That's a load of bull. The game clearly rips off Mario 2.
Klonoa: Yeah, but Mario 2 technically ripped off Doki Doki Panic. Besides, my game is a tad different. You don't stand on the enemies and pick them up. You use the magical ring to launch an enemy. Like this *uses the ring on the Judge's gavel and throws it at Peach*
*whole courtroom laughs at her pain*
Klonoa: Sorry about that, your honor. *grabs gavel with ring and launches back to GameJudge*
Thank you. I'll have to count that as a strike, James.
James: Thanks a lot.
Klonoa: Were you being sarcastic or actually thanking me?
James: Both. Anyways, at the task at hand. Yes, the game is ridiculously easy, but it opens a new world of risk tasking.
Peach: Alright, fine. If that's the case, why doesn't the button that causes a gust of wind to come out do anything?
Klonoa: I think they forgot to make that of some use after smoking a pound of weed. I'm sure they'll fix it in the next game. *sigh* At least I hope.
I see. Well...uh...I guess I can't think of anything else for this part of the trail. Let's continue. Ok, our next topic is audio. Alright, you have the floor, James.
James: Well, musically wise, it's average.
Peach: That meaning forgetful...
James: Hey! You shut your whore mouth. It's soothing and fitting for the game. Whether it be strolling around a jungle or fighting a clown thing.
Peach: Geez, just admit the music is forgetful. I can see your eyes telling me you're lying.
James: Keep interrupting me, and you'll see my eyes telling you to shove a pointy stick up your ass.
Peach: Badger me all you want, you know the music is forgetful.
Is this true, James?
James: It's not true, your honor. I happen to find the music to be satisfactory for the game.
Peach: Liar, lair, pants on fire.
James: ALRIGHT BITCH, YOU WANT ME TO BE HONEST?! IT'S NOT MEMORABLE, OK?! BUT JUST BECAUSE I CAN'T HUM IT EVERY FUCKING DAY DOESN'T MEAN THE SOUNDTRACK IS BAD! SO SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!
I DO ALL THE YELLING AROUND HERE MISTER JAMES!
James: Heheheh...sorry your honor.
Despite your rude nature of getting your point across, James has a valid point.
Peach: Ok...but telll me James...about the voice actors.
James: They're kiddy, but not annoying.
James: What were you expecting? A meltdown from lying to the court?
James: ....I can't believe you're a fucking lawyer.
Peach: Can you at least admit that they CAN get annoying after a while?
James: Fiiine....at least they're more bearable than your voice actor.
Klonoa: Double burn!
THE FUCK DID I JUST SAY ABOUT THIS?!
James: What? I was being honest....
Ok....well I think I have come to a conclusion.
Jury Member 1: What about us? Don't we have anything to say?
I can read your minds...therefore I think I can gather what your verdict is.
Jury Member 2: What are you? Mentok the Mindtaker?
Erm...sure...if you want to black and white about it. Anyways, "Klonoa" for the Wii is a new step for the platforming world. Despite the fact that the game is ungodly easy, it still manages to entertain you. Sort of like a bizzaro Megaman. The graphics are pretty good and the soundtrack is at least listenable. You won't be humming to one of the songs, but you won't be frustrated by it either. Not to mention it has a somewhat interesting story. Regardless, you still admit to the charge of being too easy, Klonoa...
James: Crap, I forgot about that...
Peach: Ha! I guess some good came out of this.
So, I'm afraid I'll have to set a sentence for you.
Klonoa: Oh shit.
Relax. All you have to do is pay a small fine of 20 crystals. Court is adjourned. *gavel bang*
Klonoa (narrating): So that's how my first trail came to a close. I had to pay the Judge 20 crystals for my offense. It was weird to have to come back to that memory. It didn't completely scar my life, but it wasn't exactly a walk in the park either. But I'm glad I can just blow the smoke of the aggravating memory away from the cigarette of my life.
The next day wasn't as good though. I had to be punished for two of the three charges. Apparently that guy I was trying to murder was that looney bunny. As for the girl I screwed in public? Turned out to be the same chick from the bar. I was sentenced to two weeks in the slammer. While there, I keep talking to that gal. I then learned her name was Tifa. Tifa Lockhart.
After my sentence, I decided to date her for a while. But then I got roped into a crime I didn't commit. So I had to escape back to Pixel Town. I never thought my crazy life of defeating a Pyramid Head wannabe villain and going into a castle on the moon would become just a minor event to being framed for a mass homicide in River City. *puffs smoke in the air* Now I rest here, in the Spring Yard Hotel and Casino down Green Hill Ave., with my new girlfriend Lephise. I tell you, man...being an obscure video game character isn't fun. *smokes cigarette* It isn't fun at all.
*Lephise tells Klonoa to head back to the hotel*
Klonoa: Be there, honey.
Klonoa (narrating): Well, I better be heading back. I hoped you enjoyed this story. I got to be heading back. Maybe we'll meet again. But just keep this in mind. When life gives you lemons, just hope that the juices don't get into your eyes...or else it's gonna hurt.
*walks back into the hotel, holding Lephise's hand and looks back at the sky remembering of a past memory*