Take a gamer, a "creator", an actor, a procrastinator and throw it all together and you'd pretty much get me. I got into gaming by the Nintendo 64. Some of my favorites are L.A Noire, Super Mario Galaxy 2, Red Steel 2, Team Fortress 2, Gmod and plenty others.
Date: August 1st
Time: 10:40 PM
Location: Abandoned Pokemon Warehouse
First Pokemon Executive: Come on, we got to dig up some more things for the next game.
Second Pokemon Executive: I still can't believe we're still doing this, I mean we've already made a Pokemon out of everything imaginable
First Pokemon Executive: Shut the fuck up, man and just look for the stuff.
Second Pokemon Executive: But you know that's true.
First Pokemon Executive: YES, I DO. But people are still buying our games and people still like our products! Shove it already!!
(sound is heard)
Second Pokemon Executive: Did you just hear that?
First Pokemon Executive: I heard the sound of you not getting the "new" ideas for the next game. Now come on, get the files
(same sound is heard, but louder)
Second Pokemon Executive: I'm getting the fuck out of here
First Pokemon Executive: You better not fucking run, you little bitch!!
Second Pokemon Executive: Screw you man, I've been here for an hour and I'm really sick and tired of your shit. I'm heading home.
First Pokemon Executive: Alright, run you coward. More money for me.
(looks at something)
First Pokemon Executive: Can I help you? Hey...what are you doing? Get away from me. Aaaah!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!
Date: August 2rd
Time: 2:03 PM
Location: James's Office
James: (reads newspaper) Another random murder happened in the city. This time in the abadoned Pokemon warehouse. Man, what is this world coming to?
Sarah: I'm not quite sure myself. Here's your coffee, by the way.
James: Thank you, Sarah. (drinks some of the coffee) Mmm...french vanilla.
Sarah: Anything else I could do for you?
James: No, I'm ok right now. You can take your break now.
Sarah: It's kind of early...
James: I know...but I don't have anything else for you at the moment. Plus, you were working quite hard on those files yesterday, so you deserve this.
Sarah: Thank you, James.
James: Don't mention it.
(Sarah exits, James reads paper)
James: Oh, Mario's Stars are going up against Link's Fairies in the VGNBA
(someone bursts through front door)
???: (catches breath)
James: Whoa, what the fuck was that?
???: (exhaustedly tries to explain by miming out the events that occured to him)
James: Something tried to kill you?
???: (nods in agreement)
James: I see...
???: (finally catches breath, brings up a text box)
James: You got a new iTextbox?
???: Yeah, they were having a sale
James: Well, as impressive as that technology may be...you could just talk to me.
???: The only language I'm known to speak in is Raynesian. So I have to use the iTextbox in order for you to understand.
???: The name's Rayman.
James: You're Rayman?! Man, I've heard so much about you.
Rayman: You sure? Last I checked, the Rabbids are the big thing nowadays.
James: Fuck those long-earred bastards, you're the main event. I mean, I remember playing an N64 game of yours with a beautiful green cartridge. It was wonderful...a little long, but still wonderful.
Rayman: Well, thank you. Anyways, I bet you're wondering what attacked me.
James: Not really...but I might as well ask what did.
Rayman: It was those long-earred bastards you've been talking about.
Rayman: Yep. Those bastards want me dead, and I have no idea why.
James: It's probably because they view as some sort of threat.
Rayman: A threat? Me? I could never hurt them...sure, throw them a plunger, but never hurt them.
James: Not a physical threat. Maybe as a different sort of threat.
Rayman: How would you know?
James: Well, it's probably from the games that I sort of saw them look at you as a threat. (drinks the rest of the coffee)
Rayman: (thinks about it) Ooooookay. Well, I've decided to sue them for 120 counts of attempted murder
James: (spits coffee) What?! 120?! Are you fucking serious?!
Rayman: DO THESE MARKS LOOK SERIOUS TO YOU?!
Rayman: Oh right, I need pictures. (pulls out folder filled with pictures)
James: (looks over pictures) Damn, they really do want you dead.
???: Not so fast, you charlatan!
Rayman: Oh god no...
???: I demand that you don't sue us for our game as his are far worse
James: Wait, what? He's suing you for 120 counts of murder...not for you game.
Rayman: (gets nervous) Actually, I was going to sue them for the lastest game that they have in store.
James: On what account?
Rayman: (slams fist on desk) On the Luigi's Mansion Principle!
James: (eyes widen)
???: Now, Rayman, that's just preposterous!
Rayman: You shut up, Mr. Rabbid
Mr. Rabbid: Screw you.
Rayman: I was here first, and I presented my case first, so I automatically get this lawyer for both cases.
James: I don't think so.
Rayman: Say what?
James: (points angrily at Rayman) I will NOT take the second case for the Luigi's Mansion principle. I'll take your other case, but not this one.
James: I SAID NO! Either take the offer as it is, or I'll decline your case.
(the three shake hands)
Rayman and Mr. Rabbid: See you in court, fucker!
(Rayman and Mr. Rabbid exit, Sarah comes back in, looking at an upset James)
Sarah: I could hear you yelling from across the hallway.
James: Sorry...it's just that one of them said something that really annoyed me.
Sarah: Oh...what was it?
James: I don't want to talk about it...
Sarah: Alright. Anything I can do for you?
James: As a matter of fact...there is. I need you to get some info on the case of Rayman v. Rabbids on the count of 120 attempted murders. I just want to know if there's any more I'm missing
Sarah: Ok, James. (grabs files and leaves)
James: (sighs) Why...why did I have to be part of that case?
Flashback Date: November 17, 2002
Flashback Time: 4:00 PM
Flashback Location: Supreme Court of Gaming Courtroom
You are hereby striken of all gaming ranks, of all rights of an independant title and of any credability of a video game character that will ever be respected outside of the original series.
James: No, this can't be...I can't lose this case
You shall be sentenced to pay the community via 1000 hours of community service and 2000 coins. Court is adjourned.
Date: Still August 2nd
Time: 10:30 PM
Location: Assistant's Research Domain
Sarah: Well, I really can't find anything else other than these files James gave me.
(James yells out "DAMNIT")
Sarah: What was that? Oh well...might as well keep working on this...
(James yells out "MOTHERFUCKER" louder)
Sarah: That sounded like James.
(James yells out "WHYYYYYY?!" even louder)
Sarah: I better see what's going on with him. (walks to James's office as she sees him grabbing a bottle of scotch and pouring it in a glass)
James: It's always fun trying to find these little pieces of fucking evidence for a case you know you can't win.
James: Oh...sorry there, sweetheart...I didn't hear you over the sound of how much of a failure I'm going to become in just a few days.
Sarah: I've never seen you like this...
James: What? Drunk?
Sarah: No...I've seen you drunk. I'm talking about how depressed you are right now.
James: Oh...you have? I never knew that...(chugs his scotch)
Sarah: What happened to you?
James: It's nothing...I'm just trying to look for evidence...little tiny insignificant pieces of evidence is all.
Sarah: Come on, you've been acting strange ever since you told me to research this case. At least that's what the other lawyers are telling me.
James: (sighs) I might as well tell you. (pours drink) When...when I heard the term "Luigi's Mansion Principle"...it brought me back to a case I had...a case I lost. My first loss actually.
Sarah: The Luigi Mansion Principle? What is that?
James: Oh...it's now a way that people can sue games now. The Luigi Mansion Principle used to be called the Mario's Missing Law. It's basically that "If a game takes a tag-along character from the series and places it as the main character of the adventure, the game will end up becoming terrible or mediocre". I tried to defend Luigi after Luigi's Mansion, but failed miserably. Sure, now the game's verdict changed, but Luigi still ended up in a bad place after that case. (shows her a letter he got from Luigi)
Sarah: "Dear James, Thanks...thanks for ruining my life...not only did I have to work for 10 aching hours on tedious tasks for 100 days of my pathetic life but I'm still getting Mario's cock rubbed in my face, just to remind me how tiny my penis is. Everyone thinks I'm a fool and I'm constantly mocked. The only one who gave a fuck and did things to actually aid me was my girlfriend, Daisy. My brother's too busy boning that whore-of-a-princess to care about me. The last time we had any fun, he jumped on my fucking head to get every powerup that came across our path. All I wanted was a simple walk, and he ended up making it to a competition. And those 2000 coins were going to pay for Daisy's engagement ring. Now, I had to get her a crappy tiny zircon ring instead of a elegant large magic quartz ring. Again, a big fuck you to....well...you. I hope this eats at your conscious so much that you can't even SLEEP, you amateur maggot. Insincerely yours, Luigi Mario."
James: The worst part about it is that I had taken other cases with that principle. I changed position, becoming the prosecutor, constantly winning against each of the cases, only to see the aggravated faces of my opponents' clients spit in my face as they walked away from the courtroom. Sure, I got some cash...but I ended up angering a lot of people. This sort of case ended up becoming my one-way ticket to douchebaggery. And I decided to take the other end of the stick so that for once, I couldn't anger my client in one of these cases. But every time I try to think that's even remotely possible, I just play back the last time I was defendant in one of these cases.
Sarah: Wow...that's quite a story there.
James: Yeah...anyways, I have to head home now...
Sarah: Shall I still work on the case?
James: Nah, you can pick up on it later.
Sarah: Alright, let me just put the files in your office.
James: Ok...night Sarah.
Sarah: Night, James.
Date: August 3rd
Time: 9:40 PM
Location: Spring Yard Casino and Hotel Room 512
Worm 1: Man, that was some wager you had in the roulette.
Worm 2: Hey, what can I say? I'm a gambler.
Worm 3: Indeed you are. By the way, thanks for letting me stay here.
Worm 2: No problem, mi cuarto es tu cuarto.
Worm 1: Heh...yeah...
(thump is heard from above room)
Worm 3: What the hell was that?
Worm 1: I dunno...all I'm concerned with is getting to bed.
Worm 2: Yeah, it's like 12 right now.
Worm 3: Same here.
(thump is heard again, louder and more frequent)
Worm 1: Sounds like someone's getting freaking upstairs.
Worm 3: Get a room!
Worm 2: They already have one...
(ceiling crashes and something attacks two of the worms)
Worm 2: AHHHH, GET THIS FUCKING THING OFF ME!! IT'S EATING MY BRAIN!!!
Worm 3: Holy fucking shit!
Worm 1: Get the shotgun in the suitcase, you nitwit. I can't prod this thing any longer
Worm 3: Alright. ("runs" for suitcase but then gets stopped by something) No...no...NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUGHHHHHH!!!
(all the worms slowly die as a large howl-like noise is emitted from the room)
Date: August 3rd
Time: 6:00 PM
Location: Supreme Court of Gaming Courtroom
Alright. Case of Rayman vs Rabbids. Rayman is suing the Rabbids for the latest game that they star in, Rabbids Go Home, because of the Luigi's Mansion Principle. James, you're defending the Rabbids is being defending by Admiral Razorbeard. Wait, what?
Admiral Razorbeard: Yarrrg, I minored in law. Long story short, I had a crush on a girl. Me love liked them crafty dogs.
Yeah, but...you...and him...
Rayman: I had to do some dirty work...
Uh...not gonna ask. Anyways, James won the beer chugging contest, so he gets to go first.
Mr. Rabbid: Alright, go ahead.
James: Ladies and gentlemen. I hold in my hand a document of a review of a Mr. DryChris. He states "Despite this game being different than what we've seen and having sort of a repetitive and tiring concept, it still is a game that you can enjoy. It's not as bad as people make it out to be." What does this have to do with the case? Simply that just because the Rabbids are the main ones in the games doesn't make the game all that bad.
Rebuttal, Mr. Razorbeard?
Admiral: I got a rebuttal right here! (grabs a blunderbass and shoots near James)
James: Holy Sacramento! You're not in the New York Stock Exchange, man. Chill!
Besides attempted murder, anything else you would like to say to James's argument?
Admiral: Well, matey, you can't simply use a bloody argument from a MS Painter. Besides, this game doesn't have me in it. That already makes this game terrible. Pegpulling aside, yer argument is only of one insignificant fool. Not only that, but the game itself is pretty much dull at the start.
Ok...so shall we start with a subject already?
Admiral: Yar, go ahead, lad.
Randomometer GO! (the Randomometer lands on a pixelated character) Graphics it is! Want to have another chugging contest?
Mr. Rabbid: Your honor!
Fine...I can't have any fun...go ahead James...
James: The graphics for the game are good. Not stellar but they're nice to look at. The humans in the game seem fitting with the style and the stages are kind interesting. Let's not forget that the "cutscenes" are quite nice.
Admiral: OBJECTION, MATEY! I'm pretty sure that the landlubbers were pretty scurvy. In a bad way. And those little animated cutscenes aren't quite so nice.
James: I guess so. But even with that said, the backgrounds in the game are quite stellar. Especially the Las Vegas level.
Admiral: There be a Las Vegas level? This be quite unfortunate for me...
James: And...after comprehending your response a bit more, I understand what you mean by the cutscenes being bad. They were ok, but it felt like a waste. Still, we're not talking about throwing the money in the garbage with the graphics, we're talking about the graphics themselves.
Admiral: Yaaarg, hold it! The judge never specified what specifically of the graphics we be talking about. We can talk about them being pointless.
That's quite true...
James: Are you honestly nitpick on something so meaningless and moronic like that? Good fuckity god, that's absolutely absurd. Look, maybe they didn't need to be there, but at least they look good.
Admiral: Oh, so ye want to have a conversation over their quality. Alright, me hearty. (throws circular saw at James)
ADMIRAL! Next time you do that, I will lock you up after this case reaches a verdict. You hear me?!
Admiral: I can't help it. I be having a bit of malfuctions lately. Haven't upgraded to Windows 7. Yarharharhar!
(whole court is quiet)
Admiral: Anyways, I'll be telling ye me reason as to why this "cutscenes" are crap. These graphics just ARRRRRRRE crap. They look pretty dull to me.
James: (facepalms) Judge, can we please move to the next subject? This is getting us nowhere...
Agreed. Let's move on to...(shakes magic 8 ball) music!
James: The music in this game is something that I haven't seen before. I mean, it's just so lively. It gives the game it's own flavor. The title song is so soothing. But slowly it turns into a bombastic tune of utter mayhem. The other songs with the band range from being calming and mysterious to wacky and insane. And they tone down the whole popular songs from the minigames and put in some more old and obscure filler songs.
Admiral: Ye can't just say that without backing up your statement, now can ye?
Rayman: Oh brother (facepalms and shakes head).
James: That's right. Allow me to give you this cassette containt the three best songs in the game.
(Cassette is added to evidence)
Let me have a look at them...(plays cassette on a audio player)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f2yRBCvgWgM - Horă De Joc
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oyAP6PpAzK8 - Bătută Din Moldova
Mr. Rabbid: Who carries a cassette and an cassette player these days?
Well...I can clearly see that those songs are good.
Admiral: Ye can't be serious. Just because he shows ya three shanties, doesn't mean that the whole soundtrack be that good. I mean, some of those filler songs are awful.
Admiral: Uhh....erm...yaaaaarg....I demand a reccess!
Then a reccess we'll have! Court dimissed for twenty minutes.
James: Oh right, I forgot your honor....here you are. (hands him screenshot of graphics)
Thank you for that. (Screenshot is added to evidence)
Sasha: James, I have something to show you.
James: What is it?
Sasha: Meet me in the Assistant's Research Facility.
Date: Still August 3rd
Time: 8:40 PM
Location: Assistant's Research Facility
Sasha: You remember when you sent me to investigate the newspaper articles?
James: Yeah....wait, I know where this is going....you found more evidence.
Sasha: Not for your case, but I did find out something else. You know those attacks that have been going on?
James: Yeah...what about them?
Sasha: The rabbids have been behind them!
James: What makes you say that?
Sasha: Recall the marks that Rayman had. The victim of the Pokemon Warehouse attack had the same marks. And so did the worms in the Spring Yard Hotel and Casino. Let's not forget the massacre in the alleyways of Dickville.
Sasha: You know, that place with that ripoff merchant and dog prodigy guitarist? It used to be called Ambertown until the mayor got murdered.
James: Ooooooh....but why are they attacking?
Sasha: What do they all have in common?
James: Erm...they're animals with cartoonish features?
Sasha: And what are the Rabbids?
James: (thinks for a moment) My god...it all makes sense. All of the people that have been killed are a threat to the Rabbids. By eradicating them, the Rabbids could gain success. But then that means that their next threat is...oh fuck, how much time do we have?
Sasha: 50 minutes
James: We got to finish this case and fast. (runs to courtroom but then returns) But first let's get something to eat. We still got time.
Date: Still Fucking August 3rd
Time: 9:00 PM
Location: Supreme Court of Gaming Courtroom
Okay...we took the reccess. Mr. Razorbeard...
Admiral: What do ye want?
You were going to prove to me that your last argument is right...well?
YOU'RE GOING IN THE SLAMMER FOR A YEAR ONCE THIS CASE IS OVER, YOU HEAR ME?!
Admiral: But I wasn't even going to do it...well I was...how did ye know?
I can read minds...ok?
Admiral: Grr...err...RAAAA!!! (shoots at James countless times, missing)
Make that three!
Admiral: MOTHER OF PEARL!! (shoots at James even more)
I will make that five years if you continue, Mr. Ra-
James: Just move on to the next case already, your honor!
Ok. But my point still stands. Let's go to the next subject...(flips a coin)...gameplay. You have the floor, Razorbeard. But the next time you try killing James and he'll automatically win this case.
Rayman: You do it, and I won't bail you out.
Admiral: Yeesh. Alright, matey. I'll fancy yer wager. Let's see, (looks at instructions booklet) ye move with the control stick, ye accelerate with the A button, ye make the Rabbids scream by shaking the Wiimote and ye can launch a Rabbid with the Z button. Alright, well, when launching the Rabbid, it takes quite a while to get the target that ye want. Sometimes, yer momentum can't be changed and you end up losing all of yer booty. And there's a bit of inconsistency in the levels. At times I can fall off the ledge and at other times I can't? What be that blasphemy?
James: Allow me to retort. First off, the Wii Motion Plus was released before that game got released, and that fixed that problem. Second, you probably just suck at the game as I had no problem with momentum. Although that Las Vegas level was a little aggravating. Mind if I add that as evidence, your honor?
Sure...can't really say if that helps you or not...but go ahead.
(Las Vegas level's aggravation added to evidence)
Admiral: Actually, a bigger compliant that I could address is how easy this game be.
Overruled...let him finish.
Admiral: Thank ye, yer honor. Allow me to bring Rayman as me witness.
(courtroom starts talking)
Order! Let's bring him up to the stand.
Admiral: Now, Rayman. Tell the courtroom why this game isn't worth yer dabloons.
Rayman: Why certainly. I played this game because those a-holes in Ubisoft
made me. And when I plated it, I beat it around 5 or 6 hours. Some of the flaws in the game slowed me down for a while, but I managed to get a lot of things very fast. And the boss fights were pretty easy. They seemed quite pointless. I mean, they're not a fucking challenge.
Mr. Rabbid: I beg to differ, Rayman. I mean, didn't James just add Las Vegas level's aggravation to the evidence? And some of the boss fights took some to complete. Not that much, but they weren't piss easy. And furthermore you do need timing in this game. And you do need to play it some more times to...oh...I dunno...GET ALL OF THE COLLECTIBLES?! Seriously Rayman, you never thought of that?!
James: (looks at the time) Oh Jesus fucking Christ. EVERYONE HIT THE DECK!
James: Just do it if you don't want to die!
Mr. Rabbid: You want to know something, Rayman? (moonlight slowly creeps on to him as the courtroom gets darker) You're just jealous. You envy the Rabbids because Ubisoft left you for dirt. Oh wait, they're going to give you a game. So...it's more of that you're jealous of our success. Look this game isn't that bad and it isn't all that wonderful...
Don't do the verdict, that's my job!
Mr. Rabbid: You shut up, your honor. As I was saying...the game isn't the best nor is it the worst, but's it damn well better than anything YOU HAVE DONE!!
(moonlight shines on Mr. Rabbid and he transforms into a crazy Rabbid) BWWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!
Rayman: Oh shi- (Mr. Rabbid slams Rabbid against courtroom wall and the two fight for quite some while)
I want to get out of here alive, so I'll get to the verdict. Rabbids Go Home is an ok game. It's short and it's easy. But that's not to say that it doesn't have a few challenges here and there. The music's nice, the graphics are ok and the gameplay's simple to master. Not to mention that the Las Vegas level is quite a marvel. The court favors James. Court is adjourned. Now...if you'll excuse me, I got to get the fuck out of here. (runs away and comes back) Also, Razorbeard, report to the slammers immediately or I will utter a paradox instantly (runs away)
Admiral: Yarrgh! That be no fair...I'll see ye later, Jamesy-boy!
James: Whatever...at least I finally won a case having to do with the Luigi's Mansion Principle.
Luigi: I still hate you!
James: Yeah...well, you're a little fucking wimp that's under your brother's shadow.
Rayman: Hey, James...(James looks at him). Can you pass me something so I can finally kill off this Rabbid?
James: Sure...(throws him a stone and then walks away)
Sasha: Well that was some case, wasn't it?
James: Yeah...it sure was....it sure was...(smash is heard, Rabbid is dead)