Take a gamer, a "creator", an actor, a procrastinator and throw it all together and you'd pretty much get me. I got into gaming by the Nintendo 64. Some of my favorites are L.A Noire, Super Mario Galaxy 2, Red Steel 2, Team Fortress 2, Gmod and plenty others.
James: So, the almighty Judge has decided to launch a "Apprentice-Novice" program inside the conglomerate again. Bah! I fucking hate that program. I'm always stuck with an idiot or someone who's too fucking full of themself to work with me. *sigh* But I'll just bite my lip and go with what I get.
James: Hello, Judge
I've got your apprentice for the program. You know the rules.
James: No, I forgot, remind me again about the rules.
Normally, I'd tell you to keep your sarcasm to yourself, but I'm in a good mood. Hell, who knows, you might be in a good mood with what assignment you get.
James: Sasha B. Magess? Hmm....I might be able to work with this.
I'm gonna head off now. I got a trail in a minute. Apparently, they say Pacman's a member of the Arcade Mafia. And they were the ones responsible for breaking 5 console stores around the vicinity.
James: That's some fucked up shit.
What did you expect?
James: I know...anyways, have fun at the circus.
(rolls eyes) First time I ever heard that. (exits)
James: This apprentice I'm getting me seems to sound like it'll be a bit easier to deal with. But I shouldn't get my hopes too high. She's probably some stupid blonde or a self-centered bitch or a...
???: Sorry I'm late, Mr. James.
James: (I guess I should take that back) That's ok, Ms. Magess. I wasn't aware at what time you were supposed to be here.
Sasha: Oh. Well, we should get started. How long have you been in the buisness?
James: For about 10 years.
Sasha: That's sounds like a short time to be in the buisness
James: Well, you have to put it all in perspective to see how long it truly is.
Sasha: Ah...well that makes sense.
James: So, what about you? Why are you going into law?
Sasha: Well, my parents wanted me to go into magic, but I was only suitable for Level 12 magic, and the university required Level 15 magic. So I went into law because I'm intruiged by it.
James: Ok. Let's get started. We have about three weeks to shape you up. If you're going to have to do good in your first case, we're going to have to work hard.
Sasha: Alright, let's do this.
Time: 10:00 PM
Date: 2 weeks, 6 days later
Location: Spring Yard Zone Hotel and Casino Bar
Klonoa: Bartender, get me another drink.
Bartender: Haven't you had enough?
Klonoa: I'm in this hotel, so I can get all the drinks I goddamn want.
Bartender: Alright then.
Klonoa: Thank you. (looks at a guy to his right) The hell do you want?
???: Why does it concern you?
Klonoa: I dunno...you're just looking at me weird.
???: I'm just having a drink is all.
Bartender: Hey...wait a minute...I know you...
???: No you don't.
Bartender: Yeah...I do. Holy shit, it's you!!! GET HIM!!!
(everyone pulls a weapon at him)
Klonoa: Don't make me use this ring on you, punk!
???: Look, I'm not that type of guy any more.
Bartender: Don't toy with me, pal. I've seen the Wanted posters.
Policeman 1: We came here as soon as the alarm sounded off.
Policeman 2: Alright, buddy, You're going to prison for a long time.
???: You leave me no choice. (pulls out a gun and sword and starts fighting with everyone in the bar, killing 12 people)
Klonoa: Oh no you don't! (Punches ??? in the face)
???: You furry bastard! (Grabs Klonoa by the ears and swings him to the police officers) Now...(points the gun at the bartender)...who the fuck do you work for?!
Bartender: What? I'm just arresting you for the wanted signs'
???: Don't play with me, fucker! I know what you're up to (gets whacked by a stool thrown by Klonoa).
Time: 3:00 PM
Date: The next day
Location: James's office.
James: Well I think you're set.
Sasha: You really think so?
James: Yes. Now all we need is a case.
James: You again?! What the hell happened to you? And who the hell is that guy you're dragging?
Klonoa: I got beat up by him. He's the douchebag on the news. (throws a newspaper at his desk)
Sasha: "Local Bartender Stabbed In The Chest By Gunman." He's that Kusagari fella?
Klonoa: 'Fraid so. That asshole is apparently wanted for not living up to expectations in his second game. Among other things...god I need an aspirin.
James: Sasha, get the man an aspirin. So...why are you here?
Klonoa: I want you to take my case against this jackass. This guy owes me at least 400 coins.
Sasha: When's your trail going to be?
Klonoa: I set it for tommorow.
Kusagari: *wakes up* Oh no you don't, Mr. Ridiculously Easy! People are accusing of 5 different crimes. 2 that I did. You have to take my trial about not living up to expectations.
James: I don't see why we can't take both of your trails, We'll set your trial for after-tommorow. Looks like you got a trial, Sasha.
Alright, we have the second trail of this dude today. I'm tired of saying the details, so baliff, tell everyone about this trial
Baliff: Yessir! This trail is of Kusagari versus an upset fan. The fan is sueing the man for $90,000 because Red Steel 2 didn't live up to the first one's expectations. Kusagari's lawyer is the lovely Sasha B. Magess and the upset fan's lawyer is the handsome Gabriel Thompson.
GT? Aww, damnit, I'm going to be biased in this trial then.
Gabriel Thompson: What? You don't even know me? Besides, you're just using my initials to address Gametrailers, a site known for being super pissed with Screwattack...as well as having some unorthodox choices.
Oh...I guess you're right. Anyways, it's ladies first, so we'll let Sasha have her opening statement.
Sasha: Thank you, your honor. People...my client may have been aggresive with Mr. Klonoa...
Klonoa: You're damn right!
Sasha: But he has lived up to expectations in his sequel game. Better in every way. Hell, he makes the Wii MotionPlus seem more responsive to movements.
Angry Fan: Yeah, hardly you skank.
Sasha: (goes up to the fan) Don't try me. I know black magic, so I can do terrible things to you if you keep intimidating me.
Alright, your rebuttal Mr. Thompson?
Gabriel: Your honor...while my opposition has made a fair statement, I would have to disagree with her. I could be here explaining to you why I think she is wrong...but then this trial would just be me rambling on.
Ok. Both of you make good points. So...let's get to the story.
James: Alright, story's usually the easiest. Get out there and state your case.
Sasha: The story is about a member of the Kusagari, my client, returning from a five year banishment. He finds his home of Caldera in flames from the Jackals, who are a gang of thugs and scavengers. They have taken over the place. So now you must get them out of town while figuring out things about your clan.
Gabriel: I don't mean to sound rude, your honor, but while the story is just satisfactory for this kind of game, it's not of any relevance. People who play this game can easily skip through the cutscenes, making it something optional.
While that is true, you did sort of defend the point of the story being good.
Gabriel: But the story doesn't affect the quality of this particular game.
By god, you're right.
Sasha: What do I do?
James: (whispers in her ear)
Sasha: Your honor, the story is still an aspect of this game, so regardless of the relevance of how it affects the quality of the game, you still have to count this part in.
I might as well just let this part of the verdict be a minor and mostly ineffective part of the full thing. So, in a sense....both of you win. Alright, let's get to graphics.
Gabriel: The graphics in this game are pretty dull for a shooter/beat 'em up game. It all seems brown and grey, not allowing for that much of diversity. It just seems bleek for the gamer.
Sasha: OBJECTION! If you look at other shooters, you'll notice that this game at least had a more bright surrounding to it. The place could do well with making a temple or a deserted western town look a little more vibrant. It's only when you get to a certain part of a game where everything seems dusty. I even have pictures to prove it.
(pictures added to evidence)
Huh...it's clearly shown that this game does at least take a little more risks than other shooters.
Gabriel: While that may be true that it did take more risks, it's still a simple palette. The backgrounds don't seem to be changing colors. It's always the same thing. And there are new locations, so you can use that as an excuse.
Sasha: I never was going to use that as an excuse. I was actually going to say that even though the palette is limited, they did at least different shades and even added a night time level to vary what little they had.
Gabriel: I guess you have a point.
James: You better!
You're not a lawyer in this case, so you zip your mouth.
Well, I think I've heard enough about this. Shall we move on to sound?
Angry Fan: Whatever, as long as this bitch loses.
Sasha: You watch your mouth, you little brat.
Gabriel, you may call your first witness if you wish.
Gabriel: Thank you. I call the Music Meister to the stand!
James: Yeah...apparently he does music for video games.
Alright...people, put your brainwash-proof hearing aids that I left under your chair just in case this would happen.
The Music Meister: (singing) Hello, Mr. Judge. Nice day we have here. So what do you need from me, perhaps a cold beer?
No...we just need your testimony.
Gabriel: Alright, Mr. Meister. Could you tell the court about the music you made in the game?
Music Meister: You really haven't done any of your research. But here I am, on top of this perch. The composer of these songs is dull and lame. It's pretty forgetful in the game. If you really want to talk about sound...maybe talk about the voice actors that you are around. And by that last sentence, I was referring to the in-game experience. I don't have a decent rhyme so I'll just jump a fence!
Sasha: As much as I would like to disagree with Mr. Thompson's witness...it's true. The music doesn't stick out. So, if we really want to be talking about sound in games, we should talk about the voice actors.
Music Meister: These voice actors are pretty forgetful too. Besides, you're distracted with shit that you have to do.
You certainly are a buzzkill. (And a pretty bad rhymer at that)
Music Meister: Hey, all I'm saying is the truth. Now, if you will excuse me, I got to make a call in the telephone booth. (exits)
You do that. So...Sasha...do you also agree with this?
Sasha: I can agree with Music Meister about the voice actors being forgetful in the sense that you have to do many things. And as it was said before, the cutscenes are skippable, so you can ignore the voice actors. But if you didn't skip them, you'd see that they aren't that bad. They're not annoying and do a decent job of capturing the character they portray.
I guess so. Well, let's get to the final part of this trail. The gameplay!
(courtroom goes crazy)
Gabriel: I call the Kusagari man to the stand.
(courtroom starts going more mad, people start stalling the case for an hour, ignoring the Judge)
GET. ON. WITH. IT!
(courtoom is in silence)
Kusagari: Ok, I'm on the stand again. What do you want?
Gabriel: Well...tell us about the gameplay of the game.
Kusagari: Well, they say that the gameplay from the first game was the biggest problem. The controls were unresponsive and the sword was just all over the place. But in this game, with the addition of that Wii Motionplus, the controls are way swifter. And there's varied difficulties for different players.
Gabriel: I have to disagree. The controls on moving the camera still seem a little stiff and when you have to turn the safe crack, it's always wonky.
Sasha: OBJECTION! The controls on the safe are wonky the first time. Later on, you figure out how you're supposed to hold the Wiimote. And when you move, it's stiff because you don't move the Wiimote right or a little calibration error. It can be corrected with ease.
Gabriel: Ok...but tell me this, why is it that when I move the sword up, it moves in a different direction?
Kusagari: You're not moving the Wiimote directly in the direction. You have to make a wider motion to get it right.
Sasha: Yeah. Getting into the controls, it's pretty easy to understand, but it's hard to master. Mainly because you need more cash and you have to get the patterns of certain enemies, like the chaingunner. And the special moves are pretty epic. Swinging your sword up in order to launch an enemy high in the air? Impressive.
Gabriel: While the sword has a variety of combos, the guns are limited. I mean, only four guns? That's not very impressive, when you think about what you get. A revolver, a small shotgun, a Tommy gun and a rifle. How impressive.
Al Capone: (crashes into the courtroom) Don't question the Tommy gun, see? Mmyeah. Don't.
Shouldn't you be dead?
Al Capone: I'm merely making a point of badassery in this particular firearm, see? Mmyeah.
I'll allow it. (sigh)
Sasha: Speaking of this, I would like to contradict your statement, Gabriel. First off, the shotgun is one of the most powerful guns in the game, next to the rifle. Size doesn't really matter. Second off, the guns can be upgraded, which can make for better effieciency. And third of all, the game doesn't need a bunch of guns in order to make itself good. It's all about mixing your attacks up.
Kusagari: You two also forgot to talk about how you can get armor and other things like that for later on in the game. And not to mention the different missions you get.
I really don't see that much discussion with that. What we SHOULD get to is boss battles.
Gabriel: They vary from being really easy, to being really cheap.
James: You set yourself up for that one, buddy.
WHAT DID I SAY?!
Sasha: The first boss is easy because that's how it works. All you really need is to whack him with the sword at the right time. With other bosses, you got to know when you can attack and when you have to defend. It's just like a regular game. Besides, with the various combos, you can always test each of the combos out until you get the right attack.
Gabriel: I would imagine so.
Well...it seems like I can think of my verdict.
(courtroom starts doing small talk for five minutes until the Judge comes back)
Alright, I've made my verdict. This game is a very impressive sequel. Despite never playing the first one, I have heard that it didn't do so well. But the second one is tons of fun. With the different moves you can learn, the different objectives and the different guns, you'll have tons of fun shooting and slashing your enemies. And the remote really responds to your every movements better. I find the defendant not guilty.
Kusagari: Yes! Only two more charges to be proven innocent of.
James: Sorry about going against you yesterday.
Kusagari: It's ok.
Congratulations, James. You finally got one of your apprentices to win a case. Here's your cash prize.
James: There's a cash prize?
Yep. The other ones didn't do so well, so you get the full prize. Here's your 200,000 dollars.
James: Thanks, Judge
James: Well, you certainly did me proud, Ms. Magess.
Sasha: I learned from one of the best.
James: Hey, I was just wondering...and this is just if you're ok with it...would you like to work for my firm?
Sasha: Sure, I'd love to get into some more cases.
James: Good. Now I won't be fucking lonely in that office.
Sasha: (laughs) I guess you won't.
Gabriel: That was a good trial, Ms. Magess.
Sasha: Likewise, Mr. Thompson.
Angry Fan: You won't hear the last of me, you whore.
Sasha: (snaps her fingers, teleporting the fan somewhere else) I think I will.
Kusagari: Well, I got to be heading back to my place. Later, guys.