Fitting music: http://www.youtube.com/v/7ZlLMyU6yuw&feature
(Warning: If you are not a fan of anything that sounds like a fanfic that ingeniously got mixed in with a review, then don't say I didn't tell ya so.)
Time: 9:30 PM
Date: Wed. July 14, 2010
Location: Pixel Town Sleazy Hotel District, Room 341
??? (Narrating): It's tough to be in Pixel Town. All around the place, people are smashing vases to find some jewels so they can buy a bottle of LSD they refer to as a "health potion". Then we have idiots breaking their necks on the brick ledges above them, thinking that they would be getting coins. Other people get into gang wars and end up eating a presumably healthy leg of lamb from a garbage can. Then we have people that light their hands on fire and proceed to uppercut each other. Everyone around here lives a crazy life. As for me...I'm trying to run away from a life much crazier than this one.
Peach: Come back to bed, honey. I don't get another customer 'til 10:00
???: Sorry, dollface. I can't level up now. I got to go.
???: Thanks, but no thanks. I've already had my share of skanks today.
??? (Narrating): I headed down to a nearby booze joint. There, I saw a blond dude with a large sword, chugging down bottle after bottle. I sat down on the bar stool, only to notice a woman with a white shirt and long black hair staring at me. I was thirsty, so I asked the barkeep for a drink.
???: Yo, barkeep. Get me a drink and get me one fast.
Bartender: Why do you need it so fast?
???: Look, pal...if you want your tip, you'll get my drink, no questions asked.
Bartender: My apologies.
??? (narrating): So I started to drink bottle after bottle. As I chugged down the beer, I had started to forget the past. I faintly remember kissing the girl for a long time as the blondie grabbed his sword and proceeded to give me a cut on my back. I retailliated with a smashed bottle to the head as he then cried and entered into the bathroom to sob. The next thing I know, a bright light is being shown on me and I see two dark figures interrogating me about something. I then later learn that I've been arrested for tresspassing, attempted murder, sexual intercourse in public and being in a game that's way too easy. I don't understand why I had to relive the last charge up again. All I wanted to do was forget it. But I have to do what I have to do. I had two seperate trials for each case. The first three charges were on Saturday. The last charge was on Friday. I needed a lawyer and fast.
Time: 4:20 PM
Date: Thurs. July 15, 2010
Location: Supreme Court of Gaming Lawyer Conglomerate
???: Hello? Is this James' office?
Yes, this is James' office. I'm James. What do you want, you weird fuck?
???: No need to be rude, jackass. Anyways, I need a lawyer, and they say that you're the most experienced.
Platniff or Defendant?
???: *sigh* Klonoa.
*spit-take* WHAT?! It can't be.
Klonoa (narrating): I guess he had all the right to be alarmed. I mean, I had changed my blue cap with a blue fedora. The ring was now smaller and used only for times that were necessary. I had dark red fingerless gloves and my jacket looked more like a raincoat. Only thing that didn't change were the shoes, my eyes and my skin.
Klonoa: Yeah...I'm Klonoa alright.
Wow...the things that happen to obscure heroes. So...what's been going on?
Klonoa: I've been arrested for tresspassing Pixel Town, attempting to murder someone that I don't even remember fighting, having sexual intercourse with some chick in a public park and being in a game that is way too easy.
Well, this is going to be a tough case.
Klonoa: Relax. We're only taking care of the last charge. And that one will be much easier on you. It's a shame I can't live it down *lights cigarette*
Don't worry, man. You're with one of the best fucking lawyers in the whole conglomerate!
???: You're screwed!
Hey, fuck you! Anyways, I'll be glad to be of any help.
Klonoa (narrating): I think I may have a chance with this man. He seems to know what he's doing. I just hope that I can keep myself structured when it comes to my ass on the seat. I decided to head back to the hotel James offered me. There, I got some room service and my dinner given to me by the staff. I then rested, to await my trail for tommorow.
Date: Fri. July 16, 2010
Location: Supreme Court of Gaming Court Room
Alright, I've returned. Sorry, people. It's just that I've been really busy with so much stuff. What with more cases going to the Council of Website Game Reviewers and the Supreme Court of Gaming becoming underpowered by them. But I have returned, so let's get this case started. Alright...let me see here. Apparently, Klonoa has been charged with 4 allegations, but for this trail, we're focusing on the last one. Uh-huh. Opposition, you may state your case.
Peach: Thank you, your honor.
Klonoa (narrating): I couldn't believe my eyes. That whore that I slept with countless times, was going against me in this trail. But I think something stunned me even more.
Klonoa: She's a lawyer?!
Yeah, crazy isn't it? She's a pretty mediocre lawyer. Most of the time I win and she goes back to sucking the plumber's cock for money.
Klonoa: Yeah...heh...the plumber's cock...
Peach: Ladies and gentlemen of the jury. Have you ever seen a remake? Do you know that remakes aren't usually good? Well, this game that this repulsive man...
Klonoa: That's not what you said last night.
Peach: As I was saying....this game, "Klonoa", is so damn easy, that it's pratically unenjoyable. It's not fun, it's not innovative. It's just Namco trying to do a platformer on the Wii. And sucking.
Thank you for your opening statement. Defense, your rebuttal?
Thank you, your honor. People of the jury...difficulty of a game doesn't change the quality of said game. It just makes it easier or harder to finish the game. Quality comes from the various aspects of it. And I think that there are games easier than this.
We'll see about that. Alright. Let's get started with the story. Opposition, you may call your first witness.
Peach: Thank you, your honor. I call Klonoa to the stand!
*loud chatter, gasping*
Klonoa, do you swear to tell the truth and nothing but the truth?
Klonoa: I'll see if I can.
Peach: Now, Mr. Klonoa. Will you please tell the court the basic story of your game?
Klonoa: If I must. *lights cigarette and starts smoking it* Don't you think it's kind of strange? *drops ashes down to the floor* How sometimes when you wake up, you know you had a dream but you can't remember it? Where do you suppose those dreams go? But there's one dream I remember very clearly, as if it was happening right now. I remember about a place where people's dreams fuel the very land of Phantomile. But I keep remembering about a dream. Of a ship. Crashing into the mountains. My grandfather knows about that dream too. But then, it really does happen. So then I head off with a ring spirit named Hewpoe into the land.
Later, I find Ghadius and Joker finding the moon pendant that seems to hold some sort of magic power. Then I see that Lephise is taken hostage by them. I later learn her song of rebirth will save us all. Well...would have saved us all, if it weren't for that prick Ghadius. I then set off on a journey, meeting different characters. Later on, my grandfather is killed and I set off to the Moon Kingdom to seek revenge. I finally get there, only to find out that Hewpoe is the prince of that kingdom.
At the end...*blows a smoke ring at Peach*, I defeat the evil, make out with Lephise and head back home to pack my stuff and get the fuck out of Breezegale. They didn't show that real ending though. They just wanted it to look like I was having a happy adventure. I don't care. At least I'm out of that village...for now.
Peach: There, you see? Doesn't this story sound botched?
Jury Member 1: That story isn't half bad at all.
Jury Member 2: Certainly sounds interesting.
Jury Member 3: Not the best story in the world, but it's still good.
Peach: But it's still the story of saving the damsel in distress.
Klonoa: You should know. You're practically THE damsel in distress.
*whole courtroom starts laughing*
Peach: Grrr...*heads back to offense's desk*
Bowser: *whispers into Peach's ear*
Peach: Get the fuck away from me. I'm not in the mood today...
I guess this verdict speaks for itself. Well, let's move on to something else. The graphics. James, you have the floor.
Your honor, the graphics for this game fit what it's suppose to set. It's bright and colorful or dark and grimy when it needs to be. Most of the time, it's always something cheerful. It's always a good setting that most kid games have. The graphics are pretty smooth and look fantastic. Not to mention the cutscenes are somewhat entertaining.
Peach: OBJECTION! The movements of the mouth look extremely rushed. And to be honest with you, I've seen better graphics on a crappy N64 game.
I will agree that the mouth movements look terrible, but tell me, Peachy...what about the graphics sucks the most balls?
Peach: Uh...well the....erm...uh...
I knew it.
I'm going to have to give you a strike for telling the court something you couldn't back up. Anyways...since I can see that there is nothing more to speak of the graphics, I guess we can move to audio then...
???: Not just yet, GameJudge.
Sam and Max?
Sam: Yep. We have arrived at this destination to converse about the gameplay.
Max: We've brought evidence!
Klonoa (narrating): It just came back to me. On that night, I had been interrogated by a dog and a rabbit doing the "good cop-bad cop" routine on me. But I just remember them...I don't know anything about the whole conversation, detail-wise. I was too drunk to recall. That and hangovers can be a pain in the neck.
Well, don't just stand there, fellas. Bring the evidence in.
*video gets played on monitor*
Sam: Now, pal. Can you just explain to me the gameplay mechanics of this here game?
Klonoa: W-what...what game? Whicgh game *hiccup* Which game? Thar we go.
Max: The game we're holding up in front of you, ya drunk jackwagon.
Klonoa: Oh..oh...OH! *drunken laughter* That game is soooo easy. I mean, re-re-real easy. It's kinda pathetic whan ju tink aboot it. I mean...soooooo easy!
Sam: So, you admit to the allegation?
Klonoa: What? What?! I-I-I nevar admit a word that you say. I...I'm just saying that the game's a little easy.
Max: Clearly, the man is drunk. Let's just whack him with a lead pipe and haggle him tommorow.
Klonoa: You wanna go...go tough guy? Bring it, rabbit boy!
Sam: I think he was just making a crass joke.
Max: Don't worry Sam, I can take this booze-ridden asshole. Bring it!
*rest of tape is Klonoa and Max fighting, while Sam comes in to try and stop them*
Peach: The video certainly said a mouthful.
Klonoa: You'd like that wouldn't you?
Peach: What's that supposed to mean?
Peach: Oh, gross!
Fellas, can we stop with this, we have a serious case going on for fuck's sake. Now can we keep this going?
Alright, sorry. Your honor...isn't it fucking obvious? My client was drunk, therefore this video doesn't serve as true evidence.
Max: Oh why I oughtta...
Sam: Whoa, man. Calm down. I think I can give a proper rebuttal. Your honor, what if we were to ask him right now about the gameplay? I bet his response would have to still be proving the allegation of a very simple game to be true.
I'm going to allow this.
Sam: Klonoa, is the game really easy to play?
Klonoa: *deep sigh* I'd be lying if I said no.
*courtroom starts going crazy*
Order. Order! Order!! ORDER!!
Klonoa: Yes, I'll admit it. The game is easy to master and easier to play. But I tried my damnest to tell the people at Namco to challenge the players in the game. They shoved me away and told me "Relax, we'll do some cool with the game" and proceeded to put me in a chair where my mind was wiped out of every single memory and fueled with the game code. After the whole process, I got my memory back and proceeded to look at the game to see if they kept their promise. Technically, they didn't, so I was angered by their broken promise. I rampaged in there and told them what the hell was going on. But then they said "But, Klonoa, people are saying that despite the easy gameplay, it shows a step foward." After a while..I then realized what they were saying and exited the place. *blows another smoke ring at Peach*
Sam: What is he saying?
Max: I have no idea. Now I think we're needed somewhere. We'll be back!
Uh....ok...anyways, someone care to develop on what Klonoa said?
Peach: He's clearly rambling on about something idiotic. This isn't even worth cross-examining for evidence against his claim. It's just flat out nonsense.
Klonoa: That or you have B-
Peach: That's enough out of you, Klonoa!
Klonoa: Hey, it's your fetish, not mine.
COULD YOU TWO STOP WITH THIS NONSENSE?! I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL GET THE GAME EXECUTIONER IN HERE IF YOU DO THIS AGAIN!!! Sheeeeesh!
*quivering behind the desk* Uh...Judge?
I think I know what Klonoa's saying...
Yeah. Think about it, Judge. A game could have some aspect to it that causes it to become mediocre, but after a while, people will take that idea and later develop it.
Peach: What the hell are you saying?
The game opens a new world for platformers, you dumb bitch. People can use the Klonoa game mechanics and perhaps mold it for a new game. Make it a bit more intruiging.
Peach: That's a load of bull. The game clearly rips off Mario 2.
Klonoa: Yeah, but Mario 2 technically ripped off Doki Doki Panic. Besides, my game is a tad different. You don't stand on the enemies and pick them up. You use the magical ring to launch an enemy. Like this *uses the ring on the Judge's gavel and throws it at Peach*
*whole courtroom laughs at her pain*
Klonoa: Sorry about that, your honor. *grabs gavel with ring and launches back to GameJudge*
Thank you. I'll have to count that as a strike, James.
Thanks a lot.
Klonoa: Were you being sarcastic or actually thanking me?
Both. Anyways, at the task at hand. Yes, the game is ridiculously easy, but it opens a new world of risk tasking.
Peach: Alright, fine. If that's the case, why doesn't the button that causes a gust of wind to come out do anything?
Klonoa: I think they forgot to make that of some use after smoking a pound of weed. I'm sure they'll fix it in the next game. *sigh* At least I hope.
I see. Well...uh...I guess I can't think of anything else for this part of the trail. Let's continue. Ok, our next topic is audio. Alright, you have the floor, James.
Well, musically wise, it's average.
Peach: That meaning forgetful...
Hey! You shut your whore mouth. It's soothing and fitting for the game. Whether it be strolling around a jungle or fighting a clown thing.
Peach: Geez, just admit the music is forgetful. I can see your eyes telling me you're lying.
Keep interrupting me, and you'll see my eyes telling you to shove a pointy stick up your ass.
Peach: Badger me all you want, you know the music is forgetful.
Is this true, James?
It's not true, your honor. I happen to find the music to be satisfactory for the game.
Peach: Liar, lair, pants on fire.
ALRIGHT BITCH, YOU WANT ME TO BE HONEST?! IT'S NOT MEMORABLE, OK?! BUT JUST BECAUSE I CAN'T HUM IT EVERY FUCKING DAY DOESN'T MEAN THE SOUNDTRACK IS BAD! SO SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!
I DO ALL THE YELLING AROUND HERE MISTER JAMES!
Heheheh...sorry your honor.
Despite your rude nature of getting your point across, James has a valid point.
Peach: Ok...but telll me James...about the voice actors.
They're kiddy, but not annoying.
What were you expecting? A meltdown from lying to the court?
....I can't believe you're a fucking lawyer.
Peach: Can you at least admit that they CAN get annoying after a while?
Fiiine....at least they're more bearable than your voice actor.
Klonoa: Double burn!
THE FUCK DID I JUST SAY ABOUT THIS?!
What? I was being honest....
Ok....well I think I have come to a conclusion.
Jury Member 1: What about us? Don't we have anything to say?
I can read your minds...therefore I think I can gather what your verdict is.
Jury Member 2: What are you? Mentok the Mindtaker?
Erm...sure...if you want to black and white about it. Anyways, "Klonoa" for the Wii is a new step for the platforming world. Despite the fact that the game is ungodly easy, it still manages to entertain you. Sort of like a bizzaro Megaman. The graphics are pretty good and the soundtrack is at least listenable. You won't be humming to one of the songs, but you won't be frustrated by it either. Not to mention it has a somewhat interesting story. Regardless, you still admit to the charge of being too easy, Klonoa...
Crap, I forgot about that...
Peach: Ha! I guess some good came out of this.
So, I'm afraid I'll have to set a sentence for you.
Klonoa: Oh shit.
Relax. All you have to do is pay a small fine of 20 crystals. Court is adjourned. *gavel bang*
Klonoa (narrating): So that's how my first trail came to a close. I had to pay the Judge 20 crystals for my offense. It was weird to have to come back to that memory. It didn't completely scar my life, but it wasn't exactly a walk in the park either. But I'm glad I can just blow the smoke of the aggravating memory away from the cigarette of my life.
The next day wasn't as good though. I had to be punished for two of the three charges. Apparently that guy I was trying to murder was that looney bunny. As for the girl I screwed in public? Turned out to be the same chick from the bar. I was sentenced to two weeks in the slammer. While there, I keep talking to that gal. I then learned her name was Tifa. Tifa Lockhart.
After my sentence, I decided to date her for a while. But then I got roped into a crime I didn't commit. So I had to escape back to Pixel Town. I never thought my crazy life of defeating a Pyramid Head wannabe villain and going into a castle on the moon would become just a minor event to being framed for a mass homicide in River City. *puffs smoke in the air* Now I rest here, in the Spring Yard Hotel and Casino down Green Hill Ave., with my new girlfriend Lephise. I tell you, man...being an obscure video game character isn't fun. *smokes cigarette* It isn't fun at all.
*Lephise tells Klonoa to head back to the hotel*
Klonoa: Be there, honey.
Klonoa (narrating): Well, I better be heading back. I hoped you enjoyed this story. I got to be heading back. Maybe we'll meet again. But just keep this in mind. When life gives you lemons, just hope that the juices don't get into your eyes...or else it's gonna hurt.
*walks back into the hotel, holding Lephise's hand and looks back at the sky remembering of a past memory*
This is GameJudge signing off...