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Futuris7's blog

10:57 PM on 11.03.2007

Thoughts of Futuris7

With enough Bawls and Doritos in my system to give even the most hardcore motherfucker a stomach ache, I present to you what all the willy nilly is going on with me.

First meal of the night, Manhunt 2.

Rockstar's newest tour de force of artistic expression-or just a fucking murder simulator-has been a real let down from what I've read among the gamer community. The game has been censored, seemingly rushed, and plays just like archaic 4 year old stealth game. The Reverand hates it, parents hate it, CBS hates it and Zack and Wiki apparently pisses all over it like the inmate you encounter early on.

The honest to god truth is that a lot of fans of Manhunt-including myself- know this and won't try to argue with any elitist motherfucker who could innovate the industry like he was Christ himself. We just want to kill. Those Christ's of gaming know this too, or at least, they better understand this. I don't think games like Manhunt desensitize violence, I think rap music and Pepsi did that. Manhunt is a game that gives an outlet of release, much like jerking off naked in a completely open field. It's essentially a game made for the niche market of people who enjoy crap like:




This kind of shit

Normally I stick to empirical statistics when pointing out things, but for this one I think I'll wing it. My intuition leads me to believe that 95% of the general American population does in fact enjoy crap like Manhunt 2. Much like we have oodles of closet gamers out there, there exists a demographic that wholeheartedly enjoys taking a band saw to someones spine for no reason due to a completely disjointed and irrelevant story.

So to cut out the filler that could support whatever argument I am trying to persuade you with, I will poignantly state what I wrote this for. If you want to try out Manhunt 2, but are afraid that the censorship kills it, it doesn't revolutionize anything, or just fucking sucks, heed my rambles!

Actually, fuck it. Just buy it. It's only $30 and on the ps2 version I can make out everything going in the executions, therefore you can too. Oh yeah, listen to Starsailor's "Way to Fall" while you play the game. It just fits like a glove.

Now for Ratchet and Clank...


Why Insomniac thought it was a generally good idea to include an omniscient voice in each level declaring your location every 3 seconds is beyond me. Besides that extremely annoying addition, I'm content with this edition of one of my favorite series. The writing seems to be lacking and the story feels really rushed, but it's still fun to keep going.

Zack and Wiki is also getting playtime. It's cool and just generally a fun time with your Wii. I'm really liking this system more and more now.

I'm out of Doritos and Bawls so my time is up. Later.   read

10:25 PM on 10.20.2007

I couldn't incinerate my Weighted Companion Cube....

Because my 360 broke my Orange Box disc.

A glistening crescent shaped scratch taints the bottom of my disc like a vaginal cyst.

Now that's some descriptive poetry.

Yes I'm mad that my system carved the letter C in my Orange Box disc but I'm not gonna lose my cool or anything. I managed to beat Episode 2 just before this incident happened and I was fully satisfied with Valve's second helping/add on/sequel to Half Life 2.

Today's one of those days where I loathe the industry for all the rehashed FPS sequels and trend following that preoccupies the minds of publishers who have more power over development than actual developers these days. So with that in mind I will be grabbing a bottle of Bacardi and get drunk by myself while playing Paper Mario on the VC. They can't keep me down because I'm too good at doing that myself.

Until Manhunt, the next Ratchet, bottoms up motherfuckers!   read

8:04 PM on 10.12.2007

Ahhhhh it's time to relax.

So we all had a rough week I bet. The news of EA absorbing two more companies was like a wet dream out of hell, Brawl gets pushed back...

And this man is still alive

Cheer up though because I'm gonna have a relaxing weekend for once. I picked up the Orange Box earlier tonight and I intend to finish the whole Half Life 2 experience in one sitting. So with my door locked, coffee on the pot, and mini fridge stocked, the only thing left to do is put on my bathrobe and stop typing this. Which I will be. Now. Have a good weekend everybody. Now.   read

9:14 PM on 10.09.2007

Hey! Turn the lights down, I have something serious to say about videogames and chairs. 2.0

(First time I tried to post this it didn't go live. So i'm trying again and if we get a double wammy I'm sorry and no I'm not trying to be an attention whore. Thank You.)

Today I can now consider myself a proud owner of a no name brand reclining chair courtesy of Aaron's Discount Furniture! It's puke green and has a coffee stain but that can't stop it from being the most comfiest thing I've ever parked my ass in. It's true that it was likely made on an assembly line by Chinese workers who will never likely feel the comfort they are crafting themselves, however I don't care; this chair was designed for me personally.

The cushion texture works with my buttocks, the poorly stitched side pockets are enormous the likes I have never really needed before, and it is appropriately spaced for a huge variety of lounging postures! Think about it! I can actually lounge creatively like Van Gogh probably did before he started eating paint! It also came with a separate ottoman which works as a great accessory to put my feet up on. In short, for what I paid for it, I can now game like a two dollar whore on a five hundred dollar night! In other words, immensely happy!

See, I wasn't really looking to upgrade my gaming chair at all. I was originally content with an assembled plastic chair that has taken quite a beating over the last five or seven years I've had it. Sure it had some seman stains all over it and yeah, it was crocked at a 70 degree angle due to massive leanbacks of leisure, but I could game intensively and effectively on it for sure. But today I was out doing some errands and nonchalantly decided to check out a furniture store if only to steal some pillows to make out with.

So I saw the chair and decided to park my butt in it while waiting for the salesmen to look away from the pillows. Right there I had a fucking epiphany! I was like, "Goddamn!" "This chair is wicked comfy" I checked the tag and saw that the asking price which was ridiculously low since I was at a discount store. With an impulse decision only a hyperactive child could make with such impunity, I used the debit card and somehow managed to fit the damn thing in the back of a Toyota sedan.

While sitting in the chair at the store, I realized how important comfort was to a gaming experience. I had always tried to make do with what I had, but once I sat in that chair I knew that I was missing out at home. Like me, it probably never occurred to you that your ass's longterm comfort makes a vital difference in how you experience playing a game. Maybe you always thought it didn't matter.

I'm gonna tell you that it does and that butt comfort can make or break a game.

A lot of people focus on the more videogamish aspects of their gaming setup. I would like to generalize with authori-tah that when gamers create a sort of game room to call their own they focus on the following.

3.Imported Anime crap etc.

Please do not forget your ass.Invest whatever you deem is necessary to feel comfortable. Especially our precious girl gamers. Heaven forbid that your badonkadonk form hemorrhoids and ass cysts from playing Halo 3 all night long. Before you know it, you'll be playing level 8 on Halo 3 thinking, "this looks familiar." However, my warning is for both sexes to take heed up0n. Male butts may not look as fantastic, but as gamers we probably sit on our asses more than anything else. Like a good DJ should wear earplugs when he plays out in order to protect his ears, a serious gamer should protect his ass in order to keep his ass in fine sitting shape for the future.

You also want to be as comfy as possible when playing a game. Like Southern Comfort, let your it enhance the experience of what you're playing rather than hinder it. If you don't feel like getting out of your seat, than you can continue playing uninterrupted without silly stretch breaks and what not. It lets you relax and focus on the game to give you the competitive edge or help immerse yourself in what's going on. Didn't understand Metal Gear Solid 2's storyline at the end? You were probably sitting on something inferior to the game's superb writing. Invest in quality sitting furniture k?

For the illiterate, I have provided a summary below in picture form because I think everybody should understand what I'm trying to say here.

Don't play games like this guy.

Play games like he would.

10:27 PM on 10.04.2007

Wanna know what's more fun than wacking off to yearbook pictures of chicks you could never get with?

The Apocalyptic Game About Penguins!

I found out about this one while reading a Games for Windows magazine because I got bored with my yearbook. It's seriously a really well done 2D mouse clicky shooter. Nothing that hasn't really been done to death already, but as far as freeware shooters go, this one has polish and fun built right in. Seems pretty challenging and killing massive amounts of penguins with your weapons is damn satisfying.

So if you have time to kill and a hatred for flightless Eudyptes, I recommend this.

Oh and if you downloaded it and liked it because of me, you owe me your senior yearbook.   read

9:17 PM on 10.03.2007

Soldier of Value?

What the...?
Who the....?

I have never in my short and pathetic life witnessed such an inappropriate use of music associated with video. For Christ's sake even if they used "Total Eclipse of the Heart" I would find it way more appropriate. Apparently budget constraints can only afford the shareware program used for the same shitty music in Girls Gone Wild.

Although I have to admit that I'm kinda turned on by getting a real glimpse of the next gen bargain bin, I hope whoever is responsible for turning Solider of Fortune into this dies in a carfire. Of course, let's all keep a realistic perspective on the matter because after all, games like this pay salaries that feed children. The children can die in the car fire too.   read

5:37 PM on 10.02.2007

Shopping in the VC Store is harder than getting drunk off listerine.

Seriously it is.

For whatever reason, Nintendo has approved of an online store that is consistently full of errors preventing your purchase. Why? I have no idea. I'm a technician, not marketing professional. Yet, I think I can grasp the concept, paradigm, or fundamental law underlying a digital transaction.

Just like in a real store, when I make a purchase I expect the cashier to ring me up, stuff the crap in a bag and then bug me about pre orders or membership cards to that particular store. In and out with customer satisfaction on my face, an actually blissful feeling yes? While I don't have the privilege of walking out of the store with a bag of crap in it by purchasing online, the rest should be just as easy no?

This is the 20th time I've tried to download Sin and Punishment as I type this.

I would be angry, but I just lost my shit over the incident of having my debit card charged twice for purchasing points for the purpose of buying Sin and Punishment.

Boycott and complain politely? Nah. I just find it odd that Nintendo keeps their Virtual Console store operating like this. In a real store, the cashier doesn't charge the total to your debit/credit card, begin to bag your product and then say, "Whoopsie, I fucked up! Lemme charge that again!" I think if any other retail outlet practiced this method of a transaction, things would probably be bad. No, in fact that would probably be considered fucked up. What they should probably do instead is have the cashier jump up and smack their noggin on a block a million times toward the end of a transaction. That would make me shop there again.

Oh cool- Mario just bounced a million times which brought me to another error screen. Neat. I suppose I have the time to try downloading again.   read

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