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12:01 PM on 08.14.2008

ARTS! A random monster to lighten your day... Also Red Faction Beta impressions.

Today it's the Chupacabra!

This elusive alien/vampire/homeless man who took a bath in industrial waste seems more popular today than ever before. So farmers lock up your goats, it's suckin' time!
(note to the reader I am aware that he is eating a sheep, even the Chupacabra needs a little variety in his diet).




In more of a video game area of discussion I've been playing the Red Faction "Beta" (really it's just a multi-player demo) and I have to say it's pretty darn good. It's got that Warhawk less weapons more/balance feel to it that is so satisfying. And talk about satisfaction, once you kill a guy with a sledgehammer by busting through the cover he was using it's hard to go back to regular virtual murder. It does feel a tad gimmicky at times as the rest of the game isn't really fleshed out yet, like the fact that there are only two character models in the beta, but it's also quite fun so it's easy to forgive that feeling.

I'll be interested to see how the whole destruction sandbox thing will work out, will Mercenaries do it better? only time will tell!   read


10:48 AM on 06.04.2008

a web comic MOST FOUL!

You read correctly fellow d-toiders! I have joined with the unwashed masses of greasy, dirty, slimy self promoters! As a result of my decent into darkness I also use exclamation points far too often!

But that is in our past, let us leave it there like an unwanted baby on the rain soaked granite steps of a church. Me and a fellow D-toid member have made a web comic! Now before you refuse to visit, note that we make 0 cash from this venture. It is a labor of warm indifference, and I hope you enjoy it should you choose to give it a go.

Make sure to start from the first one and work your way up!

Click here for mild laughs, maybe!   read


2:13 AM on 04.16.2008

PRINCESS PANTSU!!

I've noticed a certain trend, perhaps you could even call it an obsession, that has been slithering across the Internet ever since Brawl came out. People want, no NEED, to see princess peach in her bare essentials. Perhaps it's the allure of the buttoned down preppy girl that makes that little glimpse so desirable. I don't know, I only took 15 years of psych 101 in Junior College.

But as I've mentioned before I'm nothing if I'm not a people pleaser. So here you go Internets! I hope you enjoy.


  read


4:31 PM on 03.24.2008

Lost: Via DUMBASS (obvious title, but effective)

**Before I begin this rant I'd just like to say that I didn't play through a lot of this game, so I wouldn't qualify this as a review.**

That being said, I don't believe this game deserves a review. I think that it should be cast into a pit (maybe the same pit ET currently calls home) and devoured by ravenous hell beasts with acid spit and eyes that scream with the wails of a thousand lost souls.

I've read some literature that says this game is worth a rental if you're a fan of the show, I'd say that qualifier should be turned on it's ear. If you are a fan of the show, for GOD'S SAKE do not even look at this game, lest you vomit and crap in a continuous stream like a water weenee filled with baked beans and split pea soup. What I'm trying to say is the game is not very good.

But WHY isn't it very good Forrest? Well allow me to elaborate on a few key points.

The Bad

-The games takes place over the span of seasons 1-2ish. Thus there is nothing enlightening or even interesting in the game's premise.

-The black smoke monster is out on the prowl! But don't worry because you can hear him coming from a mile away and to avoid something that is MADE OF SMOKE all you have to do is hide in the roots of a tree.

-You're on a sprawling island with deep dense jungle, BUT invisible walls abound and exploration is an after thought.

-You want a mini map? FUCK YOU! This is LOST bitch you don't get a map! Instead you have to find pieces of the airplane (because in the show they are constantly coming across wreckage deep in the jungle, HOW ABOUT NEVER YOU FUCKTARD) and when you examine those peices you are some how able to find another peice of the plan in the distance that is in the exact direction you need to go. REALLY? yes really.

-In the Dark, deadly falls await you at EVERY turn. Every once and a while you'll be called upon to go into a dark and spooky cave. Well you'd better have some source of light because if you don't you will fall down a hole. Now if you have a torch you'll be fine, the floor with be without a single divit but god forbid that torch goes out because a chasm will appear and you WILL be sucked into it's inky abyss.

-Just like in the show there's a guy in the tree fort trying to kill you when you enter the jungle. Remember that episode? you know the one with the tree fort?

-The voice over "sound-a-likes" are terrible, just awful. John Lock's voice actor sounds like a racist imitation of a native American. It doesn't help that he says things like "Jack is strong like the buffalo, TATANKA!" ... alright he doesn't say that but still.

-The game is presented in an episodic manner. Now this isn't a bad idea, but what IS a bad idea is when the episode is 10 mins long and the start the next episode with a recap of what you JUST DID. Now on a TV show this works fine because it's been a week since you last saw the show, or maybe you skipped an episode and you'd like a little reminder. But there is a 2 second break between episdoes in the game so you end up seeing things that happened 3 minutes ago. Picture this! You get kicked in the head by some dude then the episode ends and the recap (last time on Lost) shows you getting kicked in the head by some dude! THANKS GAME!! I totally forgot!


- Amnesia, the most over used crutch in story telling history. Your character has it and to get it back you must look at torn pictures, then you are introduced into a weird looping hallucination that where you must take the same picture as the one featured in the torn picture. This would be fine except for the fact that you have INFINITE chances to get it right, thus no challenge.


I give it 9 out of 10 donkey turds. What a piece of shit.

=   read


6:02 PM on 03.22.2008

Mushroom Kingdom FREAKOUT



By and large I feel like people are WAY too accepting of the odd situations they are thrust into in video games and movies. I'm well aware that having a half hour of someone curled up in a ball sobbing uncontrollably after being transported to some alien land might be too much to ask, but really people if you found yourself on the other side of a rabbit hole with playing cards after your head you would SHIT. YOUR. PANTS.

Picture yourself as a simple plumber. Just trying to unclog another toilet and get paid, when all of the sudden you are sucked into the Mushroom Kingdom. A place where turtles and little turds with feet are out to kill you, coins and bricks float in mid air and you MUST break them with your head, every time you are touched you revert to a child like size and must eat a mushroom to grow, if you eat a glowing flower you can throw balls of fire that BOUNCE, and the only hot girls are constantly being kidnapped by a fucking DINOSAUR!! And you're telling me that you'd just say "well that's weird but whatever, lets roll!". No you would be a gibbering mess with your knees pressed up to your chest rocking back and forth just repeating the word "no" over and over.

Good thing your twin brother Luigi Mario is there to help you maintain.   read


12:26 PM on 03.22.2008

Piece of Art! And Little Nemo remembrances.

Anyone remember that game Little Nemo? Where that kid in pajamas rides around a four legged bed? Well I don't really because that was never one I got as a kid. But I do remember seeing ads for it all over the back of my transformer comics and just that little bit always interested me.

What I comfortable way to fight evil right? It would be perfect if my TV and PS3 or Wii also sprouted legs and scrabbled after me on my way to do battle with the forces of darkness. Maybe a bag of plantain chips as well. That would be sweet.

Well I was thinking of those ads the other day when I made this. Originally it was going to be Little Nemo all grown up, confined to his bed and bat shit insane. But I was really in the mood to draw the ocean, so instead I drew this ship wrecked chap who has used different elements from his tub to escape his island prison... and who knows perhaps he too will fight evil in a common household object.
  read


2:31 AM on 03.17.2008

Birthday hoo-bee what-eee?

So, I came to the 2 year aniversastraviganza a bit late. I blame Smash Bro's and I'd love it if you did too.

When I finally plunked down in my computer chair this evening I was just blown away by all the awesome artwork and videos people put together for the 'Toid. Now, granted I'm not the MOST active community member( I did get second in that Darkness contest! Nintendo Fanboyling? remember? no... oh), I blame being lazy and I'd love it if you did too, but I do lurk around in the pixelated corners and peer out of the cracks between the crooked boards nailed to the windows. What my jaundiced eyes behold is a community that really feels and acts like a community and something like that can only really spring up around something that is as fun and worthwhile as this site is.

So I'd like to say thank you, to everyone who makes up the staff and the community. It's an amazing site and it can only go down from here...er up UP. God I'm bad at this. Look... here's a picture.

Cheers and thanks again.
  read


5:08 PM on 07.21.2007

Sonic CD. Whats the BFD?

With a title that current and trendy, I don't see why I'm not already Destructoid's newest, most popular editor. So what if I have terrible grammar and spelling. I went to public school like everyone else didn't' I? That was a real question... I went to school right?

Regardless of my education, just look at that title! In all seriousness however, a producer at the company I work at recently gave me a Sega CD. I was elated because it was one of those things that even my mom could see was a piece of shit, thus I never was able to guilt her into getting me one.

First thing I did was pop in a copy of Jurassic Park I got off of E-bay. It didn't work, of course. So I got a back-up copy and set off on my fantastic dinosaur journey!

It's actually pretty fun, you get to learn about dinosaurs and solve puzzles. Occasionally you'll be called upon to shoot a dino with a tranq dart. This part kind of bumps me. The premise of the game assumes that your character KNOWS he's headed to Jurassic Park, POST disaster and death of Samuel L. Jackson's character (hold on to your butts)! So don't you think you would pack a little more heat? Raptors people! EFFING RAPTORS.



All that aside, there are plenty of cool little bits in this game that make it worth while. Like short clips of James Horner telling you facts about different dinos, a neat stereo soundtrack, and a real-time time limit. It's worth picking up if you're a collector or you happened upon it at the swap meet.

Oh.. wait, I've said nothing about Sonic CD. Um, well I played it and it was good, but not god's piss like everyone claims it is.   read





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