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(Img link coz the pic is small: http://cloud-4.steampowered.com/ugc/533999778723340389/B61A9EF6376DB9A8F3232A90D609B1CB9FE62C72/
There was once a Chinese man named Jesus. He wore black clothes every day to remind him of his old highschool crush who was also black. Damn she was hot. Like we're talking at least 97 degrees without clouds here.
You see, back in the day Jesus was a playa and the one thing he loved was a good ol' peice of booty. There was this one girl in his maths class who had it going on. Sure, she was black and his strict Chinese family probably wouldn't appprove but this gurl had a booty like daaayummmm.
Jesus decided that it was time that he practised his Bible skills to win over the girl's heart. He knew that she'd totally dig his bible because praise the lord and all that jazz, and black people back then LOVED jazz. He spent hours every night memorising various passages and even made his own 12 disciples out of clay. Like, he was on this shit.
Finally, after 40 days and 40 nights of listening to Lover's Rock and R&B, Jesus decided he was ready to ask the girl of his dreams on a date. But then it happened. On his bicycle ride into work, Jesus kicked a puppy that was in his way. The puppy died instantly but because the PS4 has so much RAM the puppy's corpse didn't dissolve into nothing, it just stayed there in the road. R Kelly's limo ran over the puppy which would have normally been ok but the PS4 rendered puppy had so little polygons it was all pointy and shit and made the limo crash into a wall.
Subsequently, R Kelly died. The girl that Jesus was in love with was distraught because she was black and ALL black people LOVE R Kelly. She couldn't handle the pain and so took her life. She also took her mothers purse. And she took the family car...Hell she took everything....what a bitch... (shit Jesus man this bitch is crazy!)
Later that year, Jesus graduated from college and became a priest in the near-by church because you totally need a degree in Holy Economics to become a priest. In the Church garden he planted a Peach Tree. The peach tree was there as a sign of hope for him, for though even though the love of his life was dead, he was still man enough to grow fruit. Also the shape of the peaches reminded him of his beloved girl's sweet, sweet ass.
He taught his students that black women were the shit, and that they should go get them some of that. One of his students grew up to a master painter. That's where the picture comes from. It's not a screenshot from Resident Evil 6 ffs what's wrong with you.
I dont actually know what disclaimer means:
I'm single. And Black. So, you know.
HELLO EVERYONE IM 12.
I SAW STUFFED ANIMALS, I NAMED HIM STEVE
I WENT TO A HOT SPRING, HERES PROOF. THIS IS ME.
OK SO IM BACK WHERE I LIVE NOW, I'VE BEEN PLAYING A LOT OF FINAL FANTASY 14. ALSO THE PERSON WHO I GOT IN SECRT SANTA, EXPECT TO GET A COPY OF FINAL FANTASY 14. WHY? BECAUSE SANTA ISNT REAL.
CYA IN THE COMMENTS SECTIONS OF LIKE EVERY POST.
PS. YOU ACTUALLY HAVE TO CLICK ON THE LINKS TO SEE THE IMAGES. THIS IS SOME 1994 SHIT. THE PICTURES ARE ALL QUITE GOOD, IF U USE ONE FOR YOUR DESKTOP BACKGROUND THEN GOOD FOR YOU.
Hello my tempting teacups of tenacity.
I've come back from the dark corner of my bedroom to bring you the opportunity to talk with the community about things! What have you been doing lately? What have you been playing? Did that girl next door finally send you those nudes? Don't keep it to yourself, discuss!
Because my life is very uninteresting I don't have much to share but I'll see what I can do.
On the PC I am....
Finishing Resident Evil 6! I've been playing this game for a good 20-something hours now which is suprising, I didn't think I was gonna get that much time out of it. It can be a frustrating little fur tail sometimes but overall its quite fun. I've only got Ada booty Wong's campaign to finish now. OH AND HELENAS SISTER.
Can we take a moment to speak on how disturbingly sexy this zombie is?
I mean you get the pleasure of fapping to fighting this TWICE. Too bad the bloody game doesn't let you pause.
On the PS3...
I'm playing BlazBlue again. Not really because I want to but more because I haven't played any acfade fighter in a while and the hype for the new Guilty Gear is RISING. I cant wait for it, I think I'm gonna stick to good ol' Chipp although Sin Kiske does look rather fun, so does the odd gal in the long dress. I never stick with one character for long so I'll probably jump around until I find the main.
Here's a new video if you haven't seen it yet
In the realm of the real world...
I started going to the gym. I got a friend coming along with me. The guy lost a heapload of weight over the last year. He got really tired of being lethargic and heavy and so he decided to do something about it. Now he's real happy with his body and I thought I needed some of that in my life. So I'm going along too. Maybe I'll be as sexy as Andy Dixon in a few years time.
That's it from me, what's everyone else been doing?
(oh and here's something funny http://www.gofundme.com/hksruc)
^ Yes that is me. This is a joke campaign im running, I am going on holiday but I don't think I look too attractive in a hat tbh.
Anyone who uploads a picture of them eating slices of cucumber will recieve a slice of birthday cake.
Unlike Destructoid competitions, no matter where you are in the world I will send you cake.
I'll be 20 years old, does that make me too old to marry Andy Dixon? I heard he likes them young.
Remember to PM your address so I knew where to send the cake...otherwise the postman will eat it and he's already kinda fat.
Did you know this website is about video games?
I've never had a girlfriend.
What makes pineapple taste so damn good?
I started going to the gym a week and a half a go. Squatting 40kg. 5 sets of 5. Soon I'll big enough to build a house for me and Andy Dixon to raise our children.
Here's a random image link
Earlier today, Destructoid person-thingy Darren Nakamura stated that he had not yet eaten and would probably eat a bowl of Rice Chex.
I have proof, an cropped screencap of my screen at the time, 13:00.
At the same time, I was speaking upon the dreadful fact that the USA plans to use the Hulu satellite to destroy all monsters whales living in the area around Australia. I though that these two comments apearing within such a short time frame was suspicious and so I did some researching... The results are disgusting, so prepare yourselves.
1. Darren Nakamura lives in Arizona.
Arizona is the name of a drink.
The green tea flavour has blue packaging.
The sea is blue.
Whales live in the sea.
[Evidence towards Darren killing the whales pt.1]
2. Darren Nakamura's Linked In states that he..
Is a Agricultural Chemist II at Arizona Department of Agriculture.
Chemists make chemicals.
Chemicals leak into the sea due to incorrect disposal methods.
There's a 91.305% chance that Darren has disposed something in his life, at least once.
Chemicals in the sea have killed Aquatic life before.
Whales are aquatic life.
[Evidence towards Darren killing the whales pt.2]
3. Darren Nakamura's Facebook profile pic is a cartoon of him holding a dog.
Look at the state of this dog.
The dog has two different colour eyes.
One of the eyes are blue.
The sea is blue.
The dog is an animal.
Whales are animals.
[Evidence towards Darren killing the whales pt.3]
4. I searched "Darren Whales" into google and I got...
A picture of Darren underwater, finding the right spot to aim the satelites laser beams.
5. I've never heard of Rice Chex.
Let's assume this is some sort of whale killing code. We break "Rice Chex" into letters and assign a number to each of these letters, the number being their place in the alpha bet. If we add up the sum of "Rice Chex" we get 74. Australia has 9 letters in it. Dividing 74 by 9 gives us 8.2 if rounded.
Season 4, Episode 6 of Grey's Anatomy is rated 8.2 on IMDb.
Name of a whale found near Australia...?
DARREN NAKAMURA IS PLANNING TO KILL THE AUSTRALIAN WHALES WITH THE HULU SATELITE, CONFIRMED.
Hello my beautiful little dragon-rabbit hybrids.
I've come to ask a question...
What have you all been doing lately? What have you been playing? What have you been playing with? Did you get consent to cut that apple?
If you've clicked on the link and you are viewing this blog, you have to leave a reply or I'll have a party with all your favourite foods but only invite your mother.
I shall start this magnificent conversation with words. Big ones.
On the PC I've been playing Evil Residents 6. It's a game about a load of guys who go out and party one night but then drink too much of "Occams Electric Special Brew". They then begin to walk around moaning, looking for their car keys and it's your job to shoot their heads off so you can help them find their parking space.
I can't believe Capcom made this game, it's great. You smoke weed (or as they call it, green herbs *wink wink*) and f*ck bitches. Maybe. I haven't got to that chapter yet.
My only problem is that it's not scary. The bit that made me jump the most so far is when a fridge turned on in the first of the Justin Beiber missions.
Oh yeah, Justin is in this game. But they call him Leon? Must be a translation error.
This game really pushes my gaming limits, there are all sorts of handicaps put in place to make it harder! Some examples are not being able to walk in a straight line and entering a sexual relationship with the floor everytime you get shot. Exciting!
Once I finish this I'm going to play Evil Residents Revelate Sean. I might do a "Let's Play", I have recording software and a sexy voice. Ready the lube.
On my Vita I've been playing
Ninja Guy Then Simga, Plus....
But it never says what is being added...plus what? The suspense, it's great!
This game is about a young man who accidentally walks into an old mans house while following love letters posted on the walls of the local playground. Obviously it's a trap, and the old man's grandsons multiply their bodies making a mini army. This mini army come after you for no apparent reason and they HURT. It's a good thing there's a lot of liquid meth around to heal you up. I swear, these kids just don't stop and when you try to hit them back they just block! When you beat them they pee themselves (it's censored though, the game calls it "essence" in an attempt reduce the embarrasment) and by absorbing the pee you can charge your special moves faster. Weird Fetish.
Once you finally get to the old man, you tickle his beard but then are disturbed mid action when a purple haird girl comes in an explains that the disgrace she has brought upon her family has made someone steal some sort of black dragon sword (innuendos galore)! So you put on some pyjamas, fight a man on a horse and take a flight on a Zepplin! That's how far I've gotten so far anyway.
SO, what have you been doing?
EXTRA: HERE'S A RANDOM PHOTOSHOP.