Dear Sputtering Hemorrhoid,
How are you? Were the police a little too rough when they arrested you?
We share something in common after your short-live attempt today to reenact the "No Russian" sequence from that one Call of Duty game. Hard to believe I know, what could a neck bearded denizen of the internet possibly share in common with a deluded psychopath?
It's not the gnomes which live in our pillowcases that whisper dark things into our ears at night, or that the government implanted tracking devices into our gums when our wisdom teeth were removed. No, what you and I share in common is that both of our plans for next weekend were ruined.
You see, while your plans for next weekend no doubt involved uncovering mysteries of what happens after death; mine involved traveling home to visit friends, family, and going to see Thor: The Dark World. The best laid plans of mice and men, as they say.
Now, I'm sure you're wondering to yourself what any of that has to do with you, and how exactly you can avoid becoming Bubba's bitch when they cart you off to the county prison. I can't help you with the second question because I've never been to prison, but the first question I can answer in great detail.
I am a college student, and like some college students I participate in academic workshops for credit hours. This particular weekend I was scheduled to attend one that was being taught by a speaker who needed to travel from LA to where I attend school. Your poorly executed hissy-fit resulted in the airport she was flying out of, LAX, to be shut down. As a result her flight was cancelled and the workshop has been rescheduled for next weekend, Saturday and Sunday from 9 AM - 5 PM.
If you haven't put the pieces together yet, my deranged little bandido, you are directly responsible for this sudden shift in my schedule. While I wager that causing a ripple effect of chaos was an item on your checklist for today, I doubt that one of your goals was to be awarded a spot high atop my personal Shit List.
Yes, in one fell swoop you have destroyed my plans for not one but two weekends. This weekend I can still salvage, and is not what earned you such an honor. Next weekend, however, is gone, kaput, dead as that TSA agent you shot today.
It's a pity you chose California for your venue, as the hippies will never give you the death penalty. Did you not have the balls to do it in say, Dallas because you knew the locals were armed to the tooth, or because their death row is incredibly efficient? I suppose it doesn't matter.
What does matter, is that you understand how I will now seek out my own vengeance.
Likely you're going to receive life in prison without parole, provided you don't kill yourself when the guards aren't watching. In the event that you don't wuss out like the cowardly turd you are, you'll get to enjoy the fine benefits of the United State prison system. You'll have three hot meals a day, a warm bed at night, daily exercise, access to a very robust long-distance education system, and sufficient health-care.
I'm of the mind-set that, that's letting you off too easy, so here's what I'm gonna do. I am going to slowly and methodically chip away at your sanity, well the sanity you have left anyway. From now until the end of your natural life, every niggling annoyance you suffer on a day to day basis will have been caused by me. Whenever there's a hair in your food, the shower is cold, a rock in your shoe, or Bubba's bottle of lube goes missing; it was me. Every single inconvenience that could be chalked up to chance, that is me exacting my vengeance. You won't be able to turn around without an insignificant yet still very annoying thing happen to you.
And when you are old and grey; and I finally break you. You will cry out for the systematic torture to end, not a single person will believe you, and you are left a shuddering shell of a man who cowers at the sound of a squeaky door hinge; then, and only then, will you truly understand the extent of my wrath.
Today you have made an enemy the likes of which your pathetic mind could scarcely conceive of. You have set into motion a series of events that will deliver you unto the darkest depths of madness from which there is no escape; hence forth your life will be a nightmare unending.
In your darkest hours, when it seems the madness will consume you completely, I want you to remember six little words that sum up your punishment.
It's all part of the plan.
Your tormentor with vengeance unending,