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Fengor avatar 8:33 AM on 01.15.2014
Advice from Steve's Job's Doctor: A Rebuttal

Thereís an article up on Wired ( ) thatís about advice for living longer from Steve Jobís own doctor. The cynic in me laughs at that notion since our dearest Steve died at an early age. Thereís some rumblings in the comments about him convincing Steve to use holistic medicine instead of real medicine, and thus responsible for him succumbing to cancer. I honestly donít know anything about that, and donít really care, but I figured I should poke fun at the select ďRules to Live (Longer) ByĒ that wired listed alongside the article. Wired has not put the rules in sequential order, so neither will I.

Rule 29: Smile. ďThe act itself will trigger the release of pain-killing, brain-happy endorphins and serotonin.Ē

I gave this one a shot, since Iíve currently got a splitting headache due to lack of sleep/eye-strain,†and while I did feel momentarily happy I believe a fist full of Advil and Tylenol with a diet coke chaser will get the job done better.

Rule 2: Measure yourself. ďYou might want to consider adding a tracking app or device of some kind to your life.Ē

Thatís not advice, thatís at best advertising and at worst a conspiracy for the NSA to start tracking exactly how fat the US really is.

Rule 37: Eat more than three servings of cold-water fish a week.

Iím no angler, but Iím pretty sure bodies of water capable of supporting populations of fish are already cold. They may as well say to eat cows that come from a farm.

Rule 21: Inquire about statins if youíre over-the-hill.

Iíd google what ďstatinsĒ are, but I think Iíll wait till Iím 40 and the doctor is knuckle deep up my ass.

Rule 59: Avoid stilettos and other sneaky sources of inflammation. Wear comfortable shoes.

Well, I donít think I need too worry about that unless I have to attend an event that forces me to wear loafers, or I enter into an amateur drag queen competition.

Rule 5: Eat real food.

Heís right about this one. The ďNeverlandĒ diet I learned from Hook has so far only made me fat, as I seem to imagine feasts where buffalo wings and twinkies are the only things served.

Rule 31: Be positive.


Rule 57: Avoid Sunburns

Never going outsides is the only way to ďavoidĒ sunburns; otherwise youíre just sort of implementing damage control. Itís cool though, Iíll just use my tanning bed in order to get that godly-bronzed look. If itís not the actual sun itís technically not a sunburn afterall.

Rule 56: Avoid airport backscatter x-ray scanners. Until science can prove the safety of such machines, Iíll be requesting the manual pat-down massage when I go through the TSAís gateway at airports. You should too.

Thanks, but Iíll take the risk of cancer over having Earl thoroughly fondle my crotch as he searches me.

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