I've never really had writerís block. I have too much to say Ė too much to write about to have writers block. But I havenít written anything in a while. And Iím not focused enough to do another chapter of the fan-fiction quite yet. Iíve been stressed lately. Iíve felt as though my mind has been pulled into a million different directions. My brain is taffy now, and I guess I just wanted to write down some thoughts for you guys to wind myself down.
I am well into the project Iím doing at work. Weíve hired another guy to work beside me. Weíve been told to do code reviews for each other before committing our code to the server, and I told my boss that itís the most wonderful and completely rewarding experience Iíve ever had. I told him I love looking over someone elseís code and telling them what they messed up on, getting them to hate me, and hating them in turn for looking at my code and making suggestions. ďThat kind of stuff builds character.Ē I tell myself.
The kind of stuff Iím talking about, I would never say if I thought my boss or anyone at work would read this stuff. I tend to get a little personal with my blogs sometimes, and it is a pleasure to know that I am still free to write without worry of having an effect on my job or any other potential jobs.
I am working on a Facebook game. I believe I can say that without getting in trouble. I am programming the Flash part of it. And, usually it is the Flash Iím complaining about when Iím developing something. But right now Iím complaining about Facebook most of the time. And itís nothing about Facebook in general that bothers me, itís more the fact that I feel like Iím creating a game that takes advantage of a humanís basic desires. There is no, ďLetís make something cool and release it.Ē Sure, they say that at first, but it wasnít long until they started putting priority on ďWe have to reach for their wallets.Ē
I watched a long Jonathan Blow (of Braid fame) lecture recently. He outlined exactly why he thought Facebook games like Farmville were on the evil side of the good and evil spectrum. And I believed him. I still Ďbelieveí him. So it is hard to work on this game everyday knowing that we are trying toÖ wellÖ I believe if I go on, I will probably somehow get myself fired.
I guess this isnít the worst thing though. Iím getting a nice paycheck and itís actually not the most evil software Iíve ever produced. (I used to make malware for monies.) I feel my opinion on my current work situation can still be summed up with, ďIím working on a Facebook game.Ē Sometimes Iím cool with it. Sometimes Iím haunted by it. Despite what some people think of me, Iím a good person with a good heart. It was hard to find this job. I am a paladin desperate for a party to adventure with. Has my alignment changed over time? Have I become like one of them?
I am much more passionate about my personal project. I grew up with RPGís whether it was the Dragon Warrior type with sort of a Japanese feel to its turn based combat or a western RPG like Planescape: Torment or Fallout. I like the original Zelda for all of the action RPG elements it has. My personal project reflects those interests with some added respect for rogue-like games. These days, I feel if you want to play an RPG with depth in the system Ė play a rogue-like game like Dungeon Crawl: Stone Soup. If you want a great game that doesnít take any risks, choose something like Dragon Age.
When I go to work, I get that feeling that Iím sure other people get. You have to make your money if you are to sustain your lifestyle. You are in your chosen field, so you should be completely grateful for what you have, but FUCKS if you donít want to work on a game that truly inspires you. I know people that donít have jobs right now. These are hard times, thereís no denying it. But Iím getting older. Iím turning thirty in April. FUCK! This year! Fucking thirty years old! And I feel like Iím still an irresponsible child most of the time. I mean I was still pretty much a complete idiot two or three years ago.
If I die without completing this game in my head, I feel that I will have failed myself in that part of my life. And, for sure, that part of my life takes up at least 50% of my time. Thoughts about having Beyamor, Knutaf, and whoever else on my team to help me is Ė nice. (Imagine Beyamor writing dialog. Holy shit!) Those thoughts pick me up when Iím feeling down. But unfortunately it is hard to put together a team with no money. I wish that I believed a team could be put together by pure motivation, inspiration, and in Beyamorís case: pure perspiration Ė but I donít.
Iím not even sure if that works as a joke. But Beyamorís character in the fan-fiction is very moist. So what I said is either slightly insulting or the in-est inner in-joke Iíve ever in-ed.
In any case, because of all this, I am feeling down, Iím stressed, and Iím stuck. WellÖ Maybe not Ďstuckí but at the very least everything is progressing way too slow. I look at my school loans and I wonít get those paid up for another ten years. On top of that are other debts that I have slowly taken chunks out of. Itís hard to keep up when companies I work at rise and fall within one year and I have to find another job. Iím at a standstill financially, physically, spiritually, mentally.
The thing I keep thinking is: What if I could actually find the nuts to develop and actually finish my personal game project?
Iím not the most disciplined person in the world. And it is a wonder I have so many chapters done out of my fan-fiction. I have thought about it many times. And there is no way I can start really developing a game before the end of the fan-fiction. I know some of you would tell me to take it easy. But, I say to you, the fan-fiction is important to me. It is important to me that I finish it. I want to spend time with it, because I want to spend time with you guys. And despite my love for all of you, I will be writing much less for the c-blogs while I develop my game.
*Write the fan-fiction chapter by chapter, week by week, until it is completed.
*Develop my video game.
I needed some excuses for posting some pictures. I needed an excuse to open up and write down some of my frustrations. Iíve gotten through the hard part. Iíve written a little diddy for you all. Now letís see if I can get something else for you guys to read on Friday.