Ok, so news has been floating around lately that a sequel to 50 Cent Bulletproof is being made. This alone was a meaningless bit of information for me, considering I had absolutely no interest in the first abomination in disc form. I was fine with this; bad games are released all the time. This should be nothing new for me. And believe me I paid no attention to these ramblings until I happened across a post on Kotaku which linked to an IGN interview, a post which did horrible, unmentionable things involving the new games storyline and my brain. I’ll write the quote from the Kotaku post, but first I feel it is my duty, dear reader, to tell you to close your browser. Close your browser and do not come back to this page. In fact, do not go to any page involving this game as you may inadvertently stumble upon these world destroying words. So it goes.

“...what's inspired the title is, 50 and G-Unit are putting on a sold-out performance somewhere in a fictional Middle Eastern setting. This is where the 'blood on the sand' comes in. They put on the performance; the people are pleased, but the concert promoter stiffs them and doesn't give 50 and G-Unit their payment.

So, of course, 50 isn't going to leave until he gets paid, so he hassles the concert promoter,
[saying] if he doesn't come up with the money now, there will be consequences. And instead, the promoter offers him a very valuable gift - something that's valuable to this particular country - a diamond encrusted skull.

So 50 gets the skull, and as he's about to leave this war-torn country, when they're ambushed and the skull is taken. They escape the ambush, but they're without the skull. So 50's motivated to get what belongs to him. So basically, throughout the game, he's trying to track these people down and find out who they are and why he was ambushed"

Blood on Sand? Seriously? Blood on Sand? Is that honestly the best you people can come up with? At least the first title made a bit of metaphoric sense, in that Fidy was obviously meant to seem “Bulletproof” with his raptastic feats of manliness. But Blood on Sand? How long did it take the writers for this game to explain this title to their superiors? “You see it’s called Blood on Sand because there’s blood….and it falls on sand….because they’re in the desert….and they kill people….while drinking vitamin water.”

Ok, terrible name aside, this story leaves us with some burning questions, why is a concert promoter giving away national treasures? Why does the game take place in a “war torn Middle Eastern” country? Are they trying to be culturally relevant? What are these mysterious “consequences” Fidy speaks of? Why am I trying to make sense of a game staring 50 Cent? For fucks sake I’ve seen better stories in movies at 3am on the Sci Fi channel.

Thank you development studio behind 50 Cent: Blood on Sand. Thank you for making any argument I will ever make supporting the idea that video games could possibly have some sort of actual meaning moot with a single game. Honestly, if I am ever in a heated debate at any time in the future concerning art and video games, all my opponent has to do is mention this game and I lose. You have single handedly altered how I view some parts of the gaming industry. I’m going to need to play Passage repeatedly for three hours to cleanse myself of this experience…and drink some vitamin water.

While reading further into the interview on IGN I found this gem of a quote,
“we're not just throwing together another game. We took the time; we invested in some really good tech, some really good writers and we created some really compelling gameplay that will definitely deliver the ultimate 50 Cent experience.”

Oh believe me Mr. Producer guy, I can’t fucking wait.