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FAILCAST avatar 7:29 PM on 02.14.2008  (server time)
Failcast Episode 2: Canadian Girlfriends

It's Valentine's Day! If you're here, that means you have failed in your biological directive to find a mate and reproduce. All the winners are home cuddling with their girlfriends right now, whispering sweet words into their ears, fondling their beautiful curves. You, however, are on a video game website populated almost solely by men. There aren't any girls on the internet, so we can only assume that if you have ovaries and are reading this, then something has gone totally wrong on the day you should be throwing yourselves at the closest man you can find. Needless to say, we are all united in our hatred of this lovey-dovey bullshit.

The only thing that can fix this is some tasty copypasta:
I caught my girlfriend cheating with my best friend. When I saw them together, I got so furious, I slit their throats with my pocketknife. Then, I buried the two bodies and my mom got scared

And said, "You're movin' with your auntie and uncle in Bel-Air."

I whistled for a cab and when it came near The license plate said fresh and it had dice in the mirror If anything I could say that this cab was rare But I thought, "Nah, forget it. Yo home to Bel-Air!"

I pulled up to the house about 7 or 8 And I yelled to the cabby yo holmes smell ya later Looked at my kingdom I was finally there To sit on my throne as the prince of Bel-Air.

Also, the Failcast team recorded episode numero dos so you can distract yourself from thinking about dying alone. Our guest Udder Tentacles joins Yashoki, Charlie, King3vbo, and Necros. If you ladies are lonely and desperate for attention, feel free to email us at [email protected], and when we record an episode with you, we'll at least pretend to care what you have to say about your ex and his stupid gaming hobby. We're really good at that.

Outline of Fail:
00:00 - Death threats
03:00 - "Jediquette?" Really?
05:10 - Make your own ending
07:50 - Happy Valentine's Day, jackasses
08:25 - You guys asked some questions
10:40 - Spartacus' cousin?
13:10 - Necros listens to pretentious hippie music
18:55 - Zaqu wins "Failure of the Week"
21:40 - Cosby Street
22:30 - Gen Eric Gui talks voice acting
25:15 - Method acting for rape
29:10 - Mario needs to shut his deigo mouth
30:00 - GuitarAtomik on silent protagonists
33:15 - "I can totally go and fuck with them thar headcrabs"
35:40 - Tommy Vercetti is a douchefag
38:40 - Mob > Gangs
39:45 - Sneak King wins Best Silent Protagonist Award
42:20 - Does Joseph Gabaeff spend his money on virtual merch?
47:10 - Don't you dare waste King's time
48:10 - The conversation takes a turn for the worse
52:45 - King plays MMOs (and watches porn) for the story
53:40 - Charlie reminds us that MMOs aren't on trial here
55:15 - Opera is bitching
56:55 - For all of AngelsDontBurn's cunt-punching needs
58:25 - SD gamers like jpitner are poor mothafuckas
62:20 - Mxyptlk is OVER 9000!!1!
64:35 - Coonskin calls you all hypocrites
67:25 - Cutie Honey splooges over Chun Li's thighs
69:25 - Wiisucks has somehow been outdone
70:50 - Cowzilla pimps out his Hype Machine
75:30 - Previews are all sunshine and lollipops
78:15 - Seriously, give us Left 4 Dead
80:50 - RHWeeeeeeeeeeeeee... also, machinima
83:15 - Go watch Ignis Solis
85:10 - Fuck Valentine's Day
8X:XX - I was told to link to this Portal Machinima

Also, in case you haven't noticed by now: Genki has been producing fantastic break segments for us for two episodes now. However, we don't expect him to be free every week for us to coerce into making "the funny," so we're calling on you, the community, to send us your lulzy audio clips. Make sure the bitrate is 128 kbps and the sample rate is 44.100 kHz, or else everything will sound like rabid chipmunks. It's a government conspiracy.

Stream our fail:

Or download it for later failing.

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