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Hey robots, I'm Excremento, but you cool and old skool Dtoiders know that already, this is merely for the N00BS. I've been a videogamer for as long as I can remember. I have well over 27 years of video game experience that I rely on daily, and a near encyclopedic memory of gaming starting with the Commodore 64 and ending with whatever is the current hotness.

I've got my own blog at MediaWhoreNetwork that I try to write on when I'm not too busy...and just recently have decided to come back to do a few Community Blogs here on Dtoid now that most failbloggers don't exist anymore. I'm still here fellas (and ladies) updating as often as I can for all of your enjoyment.

Any of you out there who wish to chat it up with ol Ex can do so at:

Gmail -- xopher (DOT) reed (AT) gmail (DOT)com

Facebook: Xopher Reed

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Since their inception, video games have been challenging people to be 'better' each game you play, whether it be score based or by only giving you only so many chances of finishing a level. Let's face it, there is absolutely no point to a game where you have no chance of dying. But on the same token any game designer that makes a game that has no regard for this precious balancing act is an asshole (I'm looking at you, makers of Battletoads).

Come with me today on a journey on the morbid side of video gaming. A topic that allows you to conquer the one fear that all of us have, and the one thing in this life that's inevitable, death. Some comical, some gruesome, all of them thought provoking and always entertaining. See you at the end.


Being Touched



Way to go out like a punk, am I right? There's nothing more irritating than going back to the good ol' days and playing platformers or any NES game for that matter and have your death in the game be caused by poor collision detection. Would Mario really die if he was simply touched by a Goomba? I don't think so!

Some games took this to an extreme and not only damaged or killed you for touching but also physically knocked you backwards into other enemies or ways of dying. I can remember a specific part in the original Metroid that was impossible to escape if you got 'touched' at the right moment. Old school gaming can be so cheap sometimes.


Run'd Over



Getting hit by a Mongoose in Halo 3 is probably one of the worst ways to die in recent memory, not only is it hard as hell to mow someone down with it, but it doesn't usually kill when you get hit by it on the first try. You can forgive someone clipping you with the Ghost because of how fast it can come at you, but damn it is so humiliating to get splattered by the Mongoose.

There is only one other time that I was run'd over in and video game that makes me laugh. I remember when Liberty City Stories came out on the PSP a few years ago, me and a couple of friends ended up playing our PSPs while we were waiting for our dinner reservations. We were playing multiplayer and I was in the lead until my friend slammed into me full speed from behind with the biggest truck he could find. Those were the days!


Lazer'd



Pay close attention to Lester's death at 00:58 to see specifically what I'm talking about. I'm sure many of you out there in the community never played Out of This World (aka Another World in Europe), and that makes me kinda sad. Out of This World was made in the tradition of games like Prince of Persia and Flashback, where gameplay was linear and jampacked with awesome little cutscenes.

The Spartan laser in Halo 3 is another good example of getting lazer'd, there's nothing worse than getting hit from half a map away with one of the slowest charging weapons in gaming history. If you get hit by it, then you pretty much deserve it.


Suicide



Sometimes it can be humiliating, other times it makes you say "what the f*ck?!?", but as long as death has been possible in video games people have been inadvertently killing themselves. I hate to use yet another example from Halo 3, but thanks to the film save feature that came with it there are so many videos available to use.


Telefrag'd



Oh god, the amount of anger one feels when they are the victim of a telefrag is hard to explain. I would have to say that it must be inversely proportional to the thrill that you receive from being the fragger.

A telefrag happens when you attempt to teleport into a space where there is matter currently occupying that space. The Unreal series was one of the first games to include this gruesome way of dealing death to your victims, but not the only one. There are instances in the Halo series where you can telefrag, but only if someone is camping the teleporter.


Bottomless Pit'd



Ok so when you fall into a bottomless pit, how do you die? It’s obviously not the falling that kills you because if it was bottomless you would never hit a floor and die from that. Maybe you die of hunger or thirst? I don't know and I'm probably over thinking this whole thing, but I always hated it when you would die by falling into these seemingly innocent gaps in the countryside.


Traffic Cone'd



Seriously, this is the last time I use a Halo 3 video in this post. I love it when unexpected things happen in games, and dying from being hit by a subsonic traffic cone definitely is one such event. Getting owned by someone when playing multiplayer is ok, but when you get wasted by part of the scenery it's just shameful.

Also for those Dead Rising aficionados out there, don't forget that Frank could pick up traffic cones and either put them on the heads of zombies or smack the hell out of said zombies. Sure, it did little to no damage, but that's not the point. It was just good natured fun/zombie-abuse.


Torn Asunder



There is no one person in video game history that I think more of when the topic of being torn asunder is brought up. Kratos from the God of War series is quite possibly the most violent manly man ever dreamed up. I'll be the first to admit that the amount of violence present in Kratos's games is the main draw for me to play them. Hell, even the games that rip off the God of War formula have made their way into my game library. I had an absolute blast with Heavenly Sword, and having Ron Perlman play Conan was a fantasy geeks dream!

The one example that I wanted to find but couldn't was of Kratos ripping someone in half from the original God of War. The visceral feeling that you would get from watching a little digital badass ripping apart his opponents was one that I'll not easily forget, almost like a being pubescent boy and getting your first look at a girl's boob.


Impaled



Who else remembers the first time that they knocked their friend off of the ledge of the pit onto the spikes below? I sure do and became a huge fan of the original Mortal Kombat series for that reason. The game series peaked with MKII in my opinion with the dead pool level. Don't forget the remake of the pit that had the spiked ceiling that once you knocked your rival onto it, they could slip off of it and fall back to the ground. Oh man good times. It makes me wonder what happened to the Mortal Kombat series...shame really I loved those games.


Chainsaw'd



I honestly can't think of a worse way to go...maybe something involving genital mutilation, though I doubt we'll ever see that in a video game any time in the future. Not since the good ol' days with the Evil Dead series have we seen such massive implementation of such an impractical weapon.

When I speak of getting chainsaw’d I'm talking about the two most graphic deaths by chainsaw that I can think of in recent memory.

The first such scene is from Resident Evil 4 when the evil burlap sack headed guys come at you and just let it rip through Leon's torso or even more gruesome is when they decapitate you with it. God damn, that game still gives me chills.



Second is the Lancer in Gears of War, I honestly think that the guys at Epic must have made a real model of this gun because of how perfect the design was and its implementation. The first time on Act 2 when you get the gun and let the first Locust you run across have it with the chainsaw, I had a nerdgasm.



Well, it's been a really long time since I've done a Top 10 list. I hope you all enjoyed reading it. I know for certain that there are many of you out there that will disagree with some of my choices for this list, but keep in mind that this is in no way a definitive listing nor is it meant to be taken seriously. Its all for fun, just enjoy reading and take something away with you or leave a comment if you so wish.

As always, let me know if you have a particular top 10 that you'd like to see, and I'd be happy to oblige. And for all of you that have submitted ideas, I promise I'll eventually get around to yours. Thanks for reading!!!

[Comic via Whiteninjacomics.com]




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